I recently came across this list from Christain M. Lyons courtesy of introversioneffect.com. Of course I’m posting it here because as an introverted SGL man, I’m sure if some of this resonates with me, it probably will resonate with others. Lyons’ list is actually a list he found on thoughtcatalog.com and in turn added his own touches. I’ve highlighted those that I think apply to me. Which ones do you feel may apply to you?
19 Struggles Of Having An Outgoing Personality But Actually Being Introverted
1. You’re not anti-social, you’re selectively social.
2. At any given point, you have one (maybe two) best friends who are your entire life. You’re not a “group of friends” person. You can’t keep up with all that.
3. Social gatherings that are supposed to be “rites of passage” like prom and dances and other such typical nonsense is just… not for you. You don’t understand it. You want nothing to do with it.
4. When you do choose to grace a party with your presence, you are the life of it. You’re dancing on the table and doing body shots until 3 a.m.
5. … You then retreat into three days of complete solitude to recover.
6. You go out of your way to avoid people, but when you inevitably have to interact with them, you make it seem like there’s nothing in the world you’d rather be doing.
7. Dating is weird, because you’re smiling and laughing and talkative at dinner, and then you don’t want to answer their texts for four days, because like, you just want to be left alone…
8. You’re accused of being flirty with everybody, which is hilarious, because in reality, you can only tolerate like four people.
9. You retain an air of mysteriousness about you, completely unintentionally. (There’s no mystery. You just feel no need to update the social sphere on what’s going on in your life every two hours.)
10. Not to mention the fact that you either have days in which you’re tweeting and status updating every five minutes… or you delete your accounts for a month.
11. You become unintentionally awkward because you at once feel the need to be a social life jacket for other people, though you’re just as uncomfortable yourself.
12. You’ve never really understood the whole “introvert vs. extrovert” dichotomy (can we call it that?) Because you’re… both…
13. You’re always run through the ringer because people think you’re best suited to be the one who gives the presentation, confronts the boss, gives the speech, etc. Meanwhile, you’re practically throwing up over the thought of it.
14. You ebb and flow between wanting to be noticed for your hard work, reveling in the attention and achievement you receive, to sinking and panicking over the thought of somebody else paying more than 30 seconds of attention to you.
15. The entirety of your being is a conundrum, so needless to say, indecisiveness is your Achilles’ Heel.
16. You’re at your happiest in places like coffee shops and cafés: surrounded by people, but still closed off and keeping to yourself.
17. You prefer to travel alone, but meet up with people once you’re there, on your own terms and at your own speed.
18. It’s taken you years to figure out that you’re different than many introverts you know. Literal years.
19. While we were chastised as children for daydreaming, we do so deliberately as adults, as our inner lives are rich, fertile, and sustain us.
OckyDub
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Did the writer of this article and I meet and it slipped my mind?
With exception of #4 (I was the life of the party when I hung out with str8 people, not anymore) and #8, this fuckin list is me, LITERALLY. Kinda creepy.
Man, I can relate to this on so many levels. Not a day goes by when a friend (one of the few) asks me why didn’t I attend such’n such event because I always enliven the festivities when I go. And I have to explain that I just wasn’t feelin’ it because of all those freakin’ people there. And the friend just stares at me…blinking, in disbelief. (See #’s 4 and 5 above.) I feel you, Ocky!
I’m introverted. I wish I wasn’t at times. Some people can talk to anyone and they can draw anyone in. However, I’m the ‘once you get to know me’ type where I’ll talk until the cows come home. But it’s just hard for me to get to that point.
16 is so me tho.
It’s like being in the live studio audience, aint it
One of my bucket list items is to be in the audience of a sitcom taping.
I’m guessing this is your official response to the “Flaky Gay Men” post @nick wrote awhile back.
LOL…HA
I thought I was an outgoing introvert..guess not lol
I’m an introverted non-outgoing introvert. I was always an outcast in the world that I grew up in. Black people can really make you uncomfortable with their treachery. What I find is, most people want to know you just to gossip about you. I didn’t go to prom, none of that lol. I am also what people consider “old spirited” for my age group.
Dude, are you sure you’re YOU, and not ME?!?
Your comment could’ve come straight outta my head. Now I don’t need to leave a comment… thanx for covering that for me.
With what you just said im starting to think you and i are the same person lol i mean your answers pretty much dead on.
I’m an introverted. Over time i have learned to adopt extrovert personality traits as a need to get ahead in life. I have phases where I just want to be alone. I am also very selective about information I give to people and who I chose to interact with. Many people have called me “strange” and “mysteriousness” but I take it as a compliment because that means I’m an individual and not like everyone else.
Do any other water signs go through this because yeah….lol it’s hitting close to home on some of those.
yeah, Pisces here and this is my life.
oh,God, number 5 but it’s more like weeks not days
#7 I”m like he’s cool…but I need my Me-Time
and 8 only applies to women for me.They always think I’m trying to talk to them.
This list sounds like a carbon copy of my boyfriend of four years. I am the extrovert solid type-A personality and sometimes he can keep up with that and other times he has no desire to all of in it. I actually just emailed him this link.
So it ain’t just ME?!?!
HALLELUUUU!!!!
Thanx for this article, guys.
Damn,well this explains it all.i think this article is really about me.
This past labor day i decided to go to the beach (i hadnt been around people in a lil minute so i decided this would be a great outing)
The whole time i was there i couldnt help but to ask myself “why am i here if deep down i feel really uncomfortable “.i wasnt being bothered by anyone or anything.it was just people…i was starting to think that maybe i cant handle being around people (even spending time with my own friends can become a chore if were together for more than a couple hours)
The logic is weird.how can someone like myself like being in the company of people,but dont like it when said people interact with me but then feel some sorta way if they dont.am i crazy?or a “selective introvert?”
This was really insightful…now i have a name for what it is…..
“The whole time i was there i couldnt help but to ask myself “why am i here if deep down i feel really uncomfortable “.i wasnt being bothered by anyone or anything.it was just people…i was starting to think that maybe i cant handle being around people (even spending time with my own friends can become a chore if were together for more than a couple hours)”
This right here, dude. There was a time when I enjoyed the beach and the people and blah blah blah, but now I despise it. I like the idea of hanging out with my friends, but (after many times of canceling plans on them) once I finally do it, after an 1hr I’m agitated, bored, and ready to go back home. I’m constantly in a mental battle with myself because I’m about to be 37yo in 2 wks, I’m not gettin any younger and I have (voluntarily) no social life. I know I should go out and meet new people and “enjoy life”, but the very thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. It’s because I just can’t stand being around people. I’m more comfortable in the solitude of the woods/forest observing nature. (corny as that sounds, but that’s me) I’m easily agitated by stupid shit people do and say, nothing much really catches my interest for more than 5min, I get tired of getting hit on by chicks and ignored by dudes, and I feel like I have NOTHING interesting to talk to anyone about anyways. LOL
Sometimes I’ll be at gatherings with my godparents and godbrothers/godsisters/religious associates, and I observe how friendly/talkative/close/huggy-lovey they are with each other and I just cant comprehend it. Maybe because I didn’t grow up in a huggy-lovey/ talkative household/ environment, but I have “Affection Deficiency Syndrome” when it comes to people, not with a partner/BF, but everyone else. And unless it’s something that we both are REALLY into, I’m not one for small talk/ story telling/ long explanations. I’m very much, “start the story but get to the point/punchline with 3mins or I’ma start getting pissed”. I hate when people tell me to “guess what, blah blah blah did/cost/went/said/etc”, dude, just fuckin TELL me, why do I have to guess the shit? That’s one major reason I’m so reluctant to meet new people, because I’m a horrible conversationalist. I could literally sum up my whole week in about 10min. LOL
Sign me up!
Damn, so judging by the responses, are all masc gay dudes introverts by nature? LOL
Speaking for me only, (sigh) I actually purposely do not ‘put myself out there’ even when I may sometimes want to because it’s always in the back of my mind that it’ll all be for naught because people who don’t know me but won’t get give me a chance to get to be known only because I’m gay when I am around mixed company. Even though I’ll have no plans or desire for a straight guy in a sexual way, because *I* think that they’ll think that I’m trying to come on to them after they find out, even though I’m just being friendly and platonic. This is why I keep to myself usually.
I shouldn’t feel that way, I know.
LOL…interesting observation right?
Lol…I don’t think we cam make those generalizations. Especially since we can’t assume that everyone responding is masculine.
I generalize it because even outside of CA, all the (truly) masc gay dudes I know are introverted and/or awkward/outcasts.
Ok.. I think I understand. You’re talking about the us bruh’s that don’t identify with or integrate the “gay lifestye” in to our lives? Just regular men who happen to be gay.
I think that’s what he means.Makes sense too.I don’t wanna watch Beyonce concerts with the gay guys I know, but I don’t wanna chase women with my straight friends either.I’m used to being an outsider in other areas anyway,but that does create a new division in social activities.
Maybe it has something to do w us not fitting into the lane we’re expected to fit into. I’d prob be more socially proactive if I had friends who ‘got’ me.
I don’t think that is necessarily the case. I think that there are plenty of masculine gay men who are extroverted. I also think that the reason for this is the level of openness and outness of these masculine men too…its easier to be your masculine self if you have moved beyond the pails of judgment by being closeted or not upfront…we shouldn’t mis-characterize introversion with not being honest.
I think you went off on a whole different tangent, dude. I think those of us on here that have admitted to being “introverted” can say for sure that we’re not closeted. I know for a fact I’m far from closeted, to the point where I have a harder time getting most people to believe I’m gay. The masculine men I know off this site are out as well. So I’m not seeing where your comparison of introversion to dishonesty is coming from. Clearly there are closeted dudes that are introverted because of their unwillingly/discomfort/insecurity of being out, but those are special cases, and usually are only introverted with the sexual aspect of their lives and tend to be more extrovert in their attempts to feign a Heterosexuality (which most time people aren’t really even questioning).
I have an “If asked, I tell.” policy. I feel if you are bold enough to ask me if I’m gay or straight, then you already must have some inkling that I am in fact gay.
On the flip side, I’m not going to be wearing a rainbow flag anytime soon either.
I just take a while to warm up to people and I do not do well in crowds or meeting a bunch of new people in small places at once. I just sit there and be quiet. It’s something I know I should work on, but opportunities for me to do so are few and far between. And 9 times out of 10 someone will say “You are so quiet. You need to loosen up.”
People think something is wrong or that I don’t like people, which isn’t the case, I just don’t open all the pages of my book to strangers like some. If I get to know people in 1 one 1 situations, then that’s different. But I tend to shy away from that in groups because, especially when I have been around other gay guys, I find that it can become an inquisition that feels less about people getting to know others but more about getting into your business and determining if you are worthy of being in their presence.
In fact, someone called my INTJ out in a phone conversation without me having to tell them.
You mean, I am not crazy!!
This. Entire list describes much of my life. I guess I need to be in a relationship with someone me… Or at least understands what appears to be contradictions in my personlity and social styles. When I think about my TWO closest friends and my twin brothwe, we are all similarly outgoing introverts.
Wow Wow Wow. Much of that is me. A masculine introvert. Switch gay for bi, and presto! I am an INFJ so everybody always thinks I am an extravert. I have a strong speaking voice. I love a mic and a stage, but after that, presto!, back to introvert. I am a Sagittarius, but the Virgo asendent causes me to take the quiet root when in a group of people minus the stage thing.
Of course no one sees the irony in this post and the anti-interracial dating hatred that comes from CA or some commenters on this blog. Admittedly, I don’t recognise the same users who bashed all the interracial dating but lol, can no get the correlation here?! All these guys who were insulted intensely; do they not fit this profile to a ‘t’?? Even worse these men were even more secluded because they were trying to make it in industries with training 12 hours a day, so in what world could they meet this mythical black gay male when you guys can’t even??
I was reading about Gareth Thomas the first sports star to come out years back. A white guy with a great body who also has the pride Jason Collins never did of being a certified legend in his field of rugby, yet he met-SIX years after coming out-the love of his life-FIFTEEN years older-on a dating site!!!!?
Thomas fits this description to a ‘T’. So does Michael Sam, Collins and to a lesser extent Darren Gordon; yet so many of you were so angry and incredulous that it wasn’t “easy”, for these men to find love from a black man “just like that”.
When I read such insightful and interesting articles like this on CA; I sometimes wonder of schizophrenic issues occurring in the postings, which is such a pity because this is a male gay thing. And even more so a black gay thing. Instead of kicking these men, ya’ll should be supporting them and even, dare I say it, reaching out. Michael Sam’s guy forced that relationship with so much energy, energy I doubt many men or women would do so for another partner; Derrick Gordon is secluded and targeted by older interesting mature white activists who see he is crying for guidance and Jason Collins guy made the moves as well as being his 2nd boyfriend.
These men were just like you guys and would’ve continued to be if these white gay men did not pursue them intensely and support them to come out. Just saying. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Since everyone relates to this post I’ll represent the minority and admit that I don’t fit ANY of these 19 traits and struggles. Never Have. Reason why I never commented on it until now.
I guess I get it…but at the same time I don’t. Y’all are masters of self-imposed problems. To me, the only time to be anti-social is when you don’t want to spend money unnecessarily. But even then, a conversation is free. I’m the type of dude who will go to a sportsbar alone and strike up a convo at the bar with a stranger. We’re all humans with some similar stories and interests so its pretty easy to find common ground, all you have to do is try.
As someone who’s always comes across as being immediately comfortable with a wider range of people,I think that whole connect-with-a-stranger thing is easier for you.With some of us it takes longer to find the common ground.You made some fair points though.
OMG this sounds like me. I guess since I used to be on here a lot and then I just disappeared. haha. @ocky and @nick wassup guys!!!
I never write things on boards or actively participate, but I gotta say this article got me. It’s cool seeing so many other people with the same problems and questions that I’ve had all these years and I really thought something was wrong with me!
“Why am I here if deep down I feel really uncomfortable?” DING! I always think about this when i force myself somewhere..always coming up with shitty excuses not to go out. It just makes me happy that I’ve confirmed with you guys that I’m not alone. I’m a masc dude and starting the “If asked, I tell” policy this year. Nobody bothers to ask though and people usually assume I’m fully straight. There’s even a few dudes I’ve tried to hit on that thought i was joking with them. Life is funny!