Best Posts in Forum: Dating and Relationships

I may need to start an E. Lynn Harris thread...

 

1) It's human nature
2) We don't know any better
3) We can get away with it

Very short, blunt answers but here's my explanation:
1) We are different from animals because of our intellect and some other stuff, but when you break it down, people are animals and behave as such. Male animals fight to get the booty from the female and she often picks the stronger one, the one with the prettiest feathers or the biggest throat. She has her kids, and in most cases, dude animal has gone on bout his business, chillin wit his boys (ex. Lions). Fidelity, as it was mentioned, is an ethical, religious AND social construct. We are kinda instunctually prone to going after the next best thing.

2) Despite the influence of morals on the concept of fidelity, it happens a lot because it's all we see and have seen and we dont know better. It's no excuse, but families have been broken from some time, with kids often knowing their parents are unhappy and sometimes stepping out on the other parent. (Parents stay together, "for the kids," but are often doing more harm than good). The message it sends adult kids is that as long as you keep the family together, it's ok. We have limited examples of solid, good home environments, so we often don't think of all the implications of cheating.
3) These days , its just easy to. Plain and simple.

 

Well we are more than just what we see of each other online. I'm some us have character flaws which might put us in the Ain't Bout Sh!t column, the No Swag Set, the Too Nice list, or the Poor Social Skills /Does Not Play Well With Others cube.

So while online we may all be the apple of someone's eye, it the real us may not be attractive to admirers in real life.

However, we have a few dudes here who are in relationships and Even married.

I just hate to see people just completely lose hope that they will never be in a healthy loving relationship. So while casting good vibes towards the universe may not be helpful, it's a lot better than throwing the towel in.

/soapbox

 

Right. Because had they had protected sex, this wouldn't have been a thread. 35 to someone's 25 isn't a big deal. Clearly this 25 year old was seasoned. Sea. Soned.

 

I hear you and agree in some ways but I disagree many other ways. Everyone's experience is different so clearly there are no wrong answers. But I believe you're in a relationship and have been for many years. I think the main common denominator that us single guys (especially us non-thots) are all finding (no matter what city/state we're in) is the way technology and social media have been pervasive in the culture in the last 5 years and how it has affected dating in general.

True, there are tons of men looking for Mr Perfect. But I feel like 5-10 years ago, the dating scene was much different. Even me looking at my old articles and essays on the site, I was more active and assertive about dating because back then guys at least were participating. Now I feel like too many dudes are "passively dating."

I'm totally okay with being rejected. Has happened all my dating life. But now so many dudes don't even let you get far enough to get rejected. There's just an apathetic back-and-forth on apps that most times doesn't even lead to meeting up...yet they keep messaging you! With every new message I'm like, "are you interested or not bruh, lets meet up." Then crickets...until a day or week later when they're asking you, "Sup, stranger?"

 

E.Lynn Harris was so major. He nurtured so many of us closeted dudes that attended the AUC in 96 thru 2000.

I would be on the Marta headed back to Clark Atlanta trying to hide the cover as I read Invisible Life. Only to discover other dudes on campus was reading it as well. LOL

 

I've never met the dude but I kinda get a feeling that he might actually like it and start calling you daddy.

 

The only thing I'll disagree with is this. I don't believe many straight people say, "just because" in response to that question.

For example, just out of curiosity, I just Googled "why do you want to be in a relationship" to see what the heteros had to say about it. The first search result was this "Are You In A Relationship For The Right Reasons?" where it says (amongst other things):

I feel like there are a lot of true statements there. When so many in the black gay community try to use a relationship or the idea of a relationship as a "fix" for what's damaging them, making them feel unloved, etc, it leads to a reality in which I described in the original article: Broken people displaying broken relationships both in reality and in fiction.

Again, I know the positive relationships exist, for some reason they have chosen to not be examples publicly, they have not chosen to write testimonies about their unions and why they are valuable, and they have chosen to not create films/books/series that display the positive side of black gay relationships. There are a small number of examples, but def not equal to what one would expect.

 

What I imagine they're saying
Hall :Whaaaaaa A black man???
Smith: Exactly what I was going for.Look at dat azz

 

My mom basically saved my father as that in her phone for the longest.When I was 12 I went out with some friends and kept her phone so my parents could contact me from his.My friends were very confused as to why Bootyhole was calling .


My childhood was a sitcom.

 

I think it's totally fair to place what conditions one would need to be met to date someone who is bagging groceries.

Let's say it's not even Trader Joe's but a regional chain or smaller chain like Piggly Wiggly or Winn Dixie. I think if one is going to at least consider dating someone in their 50s, asking them or trying to understand what lead them to this level of employment is reasonable. Based on that then one can decide if those reasons are valid enough for them to proceed.

We have various non pc reasons why we don't date guys....don't have degrees, don't have good credit scores, hiv positive, uses Android, puts the toilet paper up underhand fashion, got 4 baby mamas, lives with their mama, got 2 roommates Etc. So let's shame it all if want to shame it.

 

I use to be part of a relatively large group of gay men and a few lesbians. We were those gays who rotated hosting dinner parties and attended brunch on Sundays religiously. For nearly four years we had a routine, most of us emerging as professionals in our post-undergraduate years. All of a sudden two of the couples broke up and that split the group into several factions. That subsequently resulted in my gay friends' group going from nearly 20 to 4. Today, I have just four go to gay friends that I regularly communicate with and we are spread out across the world and only see one another in isolated meetings.

I am affiliated with LGBT employees group where I work but I am not an active member. We were able to tap into the LGBT community in Paris but we don't really make real friends because we pack up our lives every couple of years and start over.

I do think the key for gay friendships is to keep friendships platonic. I see too many friendships get ruined because sex and romantic love is introduced.

 

This! The saddest part, is that some ppl's communication skills are sooo lacking, that they don't even realize why ppl deuce them. Just think of all of the app mssgs you've received in 5 characters or less...'sup' or the extra effort to write 'wasup'. Like, no one is about to sit around here and cater to ur version of convo/convo abt you. The level of self centered'ness' in sooo many gay men is unreal.

 

I don't wanna derail the thread, but there are certain drugs that disproportionately increase risk of unprotected sex.

Anyways, glad you stood your ground on the "no". Someone that angry about not getting dogged raw has something to hide. Avoid him and his friends like the plague.

 

The gum popping, blonde-haired really annoying one went to Ohio State Beauty Academy...naturally. SMH I hope he is not one of us(Buckeye). If he is I am gonna have to post that Freaks "One of us, One of us, Gooble-gobble gooba gobble" GIF I have.

None of them really made any points about their topic really did they? lol The others seem like they might not be particularly bitchy, extra, and rachet, but the blonde one...you KNOW he is all of those things. He has that 'can go from ok or mildy annoyed to raging bitch in 2 seconds' look and feel about him.

Jacob Kohinoor is good looking and has a nice body and while not exactly dripping with masculinity seems like a nice guy actually, he just says some strange stuff sometimes and it is weird when he cusses so much and yet is just so relentlessly smiling and upbeat. Being that 'smiley' is just not normal and I would want to punch him after a while just to stop. that. damn. smiling. all. the time.

 

– What/who would he look like physically?
He can be kinda thick,but slim dudes are cool too.I just like having something to grab,and don't care too much for a rock hard body.I'm flexible on height.
His style would be sorta low maintenance ,but still reflective of his character.

Somewhere inbetween Hipster and Nerd does my heart lie.






– How old would he be?
My best matches are always at least a few years older so I'm going with at least 26
– Where would he be from?
I don't really care
– What would his personality be like?
He would have a great sense of humor,and one that can bounce well off mine.
He'd also be laid back ,but slightly more talkative and lively than me to keep things balanced.I like my space so he'd have to be affectionate without being clingy.
I really like someone with an open mind who can see the value in a wide range of things.
I want him to be a guy who can go to a museum with me,but can be equally in his element sitting on the couch watching cartoonsand drinking booze in our underwear.
– What kind of education and career would he have?
Something that doesn't require him to travel ,so he's always here.His schedule would be more afternoon,early evening.That way he's more likely to be up all night with me.
– What would his interests be?
Art,Astronomy,science,cartoons.


I want him to have some knowledge of music and martial arts too.Even if he doesn't listen to the stuff I like,I want him to be receptive to hearing new things,going to music showcases,or listening to all kinds of records with me.

As much as I want these shared interests,I want him him to introduce me to new things.They can be new things within these realms,like music I haven't heard before,or entirely new areas like.I'd even accept something I dont follow at all like sports.

He doesn't have to constantly regurgitate quotes and quips,but I want someone who's expanded his mind by looking into other concepts,mindsets,philosophies,etc.A guy who "isn't well read but when (he) reads ,reads well".I want him to be aware that his viewpoint is one of many,no more right or wrong than the next.

 

I'm not Pro or Anti anything....I just know that a penis is not all that makes a man...gender is not just biology. Being attracted to masculinity, I would more likely date a masculine trans man with a vagina than a flamboyantly feminine dude who had a penis.

 

I am here to criticize the app quality.

Seriously: the User experience, the design, everything feels crappy and cheap. at least put something usable out there. Jack'd looks like instagram compared to this and that's saying a lot...

You need users to get this going. To get users you need a decent app. It doesn't have to be great. Just don't export some shit from Keynote and dump it on the App Store, for fuck sake.

 

Judgment on that scale(which is a form of prejudice) against any group is always wrong.That's why I say we shouldn't discredit anyone for the beliefs or lack of (or lifestyle) in general because they can still have their own autonomous reasons for their conclusions.

Having spiritual belifs shouldn't be looked down upon ,or blamed for the world's calamity .It'd persist even in it's absence because the same @ssholes would use another tool to manipulate people.(South Park's Go God Go sums up my feelings on that pretty well).

The issue is how people try to use their faith,knowledge or whatever (money,fame,influence).That's probably what people on both side of the coin keep forgetting(and is porbably why some people think their mate has to have the eaxct same beliefs).

 

Nick I feel you. Woke up feeling the same way today then I saw this. I'm 30 and came into the dating arena kinda late in "gay" life...like mid 2015(29y.o.). So maybe I'm just going through the motions and feel some unreasonable sense of urgency because I hit 30. I went through my month or two of naivety, but I'm well versed on gay life and myself now thanks to experience, friends, and this site. I too am trying not traditionally gay apps, but majority of the guys are basically looking for hookups because that's how most gay men use them...though I have found a couple people that I'm JUST friends with through the app. If I wanted to hookup I definitely know what apps to use now, but I don't want just casual sex. It's hard out here to find a average/regular masculine guy with good qualities [and hygiene] who are looking to be monogamous. I've had about the same amount of success by organic and digital means. I've been running into the guys that are masculine around me...but not their friends--yaaassss, have HIV(NonD--so they say), want an open relationship, won't be sexually compatible in the future (top/bttm), or just "going with the flow"...which is code for I just want a fvck buddy. I'm already open to any race and I am not strict on height and body type. Most recently I shifted from the 20-somethings to 35+ thinking maybe it'll be different. The results are the same. Makes me want to be like these guys out here are sh--, but I know that I exist so others like me gotta be out there somewhere. Our paths just haven't crossed yet. Until then I'm DOLO I guess.

 

"I am very grateful for the PornHub website. It takes some of the harsh edges off the lack of real life intimacy... " LOL!!

 

This was both a real and hypothetical scenario. I left out some details to see what the responses would be.

One main omitted detail was, once the friend mentioned the dude was his "everything" and was encouraged to go talk to him he responded with "Nah, I'm good. Young pretty boy with a body full of tattoos, he would just be for play, nothing serious. I'm sure his social media is full of thirst-trapping." I agreed and both decided to pass.

I came to find out, through conversation with the dude in his 1-bdrm apartment, that he's actually in his mid-30s, doesn't even have ANY social media accounts at all and he mostly just works since recently getting out of an 8+ year relationship.

Def taught me (once again) about judging a book by its' cover. The dude appeared as "everything," but he was a regular ass dude based on what I observed (admittedly a little self centered though). The friend could have been pleasantly surprised. Instead, dude ended up being my first pull of 2019.

 

in my heart of hearts, i do think it's problematic, but i continue to do it.

as others have said, better framing can be somewhat helpful though. in my experience on jack'd, profiles are framed negatively rather than positively. it's helpful to express interest in "masc men who work out regularly" rather than "no fats, no fems".

 

Yeah you mostly see it wedding planers do photo-shoots geared more so for straight people. You don't really see Masculine Gay BLACK Men wedding photo shoots and MASCULINE themed weddings lol. Weddings are usually thought to be feminine and only planned for brides. Its great to see wedding ideas geared toward someone like me. I especially like the pics when they was eating the cake; looks like cheesecake lol

 

Which can be achieved with or without faith or religion. There is nothing special or unique about Christian/Islam values. What is very unique are their restrictions.

Who says?

You should absolutely discount people who view you and your way of existence as negative or polar opposite of what they deem is the right way of being because they have religious doctrine as supreme authority. This is one of the leading causes for violent chaos in the world and why the majority view non-heterosexuals as abominations.

Back to the subject at hand though, rejecting a good candidate for a partner because they don't share your faith or religion (which has nothing to do with values) is foolish to me.

 

Gratitude!
I believe if I'm gonna bring the funny and the crazy then I'm obligated to also provide the straight jacket.

 

This is why I am all for prostitution being legal. Disabled people get a good percent of the dating pop cut off from them and in turn, fewer sexual opportunities.

 

Both.

Some I have no doubt intentionally lied. I think others thought because they were not Ru-Paul / Boy George fem, they were masculine.

 

This is so wrong. lol. There should be laws against this! When he gets kicked he just shoots off of there like a bullet! How did he not get hurt? *ashamed at laughing at this*

 

Everyone else pretty much already said it, but whack sex can be fixed. Nobody is born a sex god. How are you supposed to be good at it if you never tried? Plus everyone's different. You just have to communicate your wants and needs. Dude can also go to the gym if you don't find his body attractive. Although if you're forcing him to go to the gym, that's not good either.

The only issue that's more difficult to overcome is the lack of confidence. That doesn't come from an outside source. That comes from within. And honestly, it's draining being with someone who lacks confidence. They'll be insecure and breed an unhealthy relationship. Similar to what @grownman said, I used to talk to a dude who had very low self esteem. And he was handsome too, I didn't get it. Obviously I was with him for a reason. Even if I would give him a compliment he would make it all awkward and talk about how untrue it was. Even when we had sex, he was afraid to be naked in front of me. Like, dude really? It's so draining dealing with a dude like that.

Anyway, this dude needs to fix that on his own before coming to you.

 

Well, they are both hot so...

 

*In my SZA voice* his draws are my draws too, our draws is our draws!

Sike, nigga. leave my shit alone. It's cool every once in a while but you shouldn't be wearing the seams out my shit.

 

NEVER compromise your health for a dumba$$ that doesn't care about their own. Good for you.

 

Whoah! Tyroc never made it abundantly clear that he wasn't dating mens no more, ever 'gain.
The first dude that I encounter that is a member of PETA (People who Eat Tasty Animals) and likes, drinkin', campin, wrestlin', shootin', hikin', drinkin', travelin', bowlin', roller coasters, is an über fan of Game of Thrones, Underground, Spartacus and cartoons, DC comics, cosplay, drinkin', playin' catch (In all ways) willing to lay up and watch Netflix, TCM and horror movies, loves dogs & kids, eatin' bacon and is unashamedly covered in body hair is getting a bent knee proposal from me on the spot!

 

I'd say teeth are the biggest one for me. They can definitely make or break my attraction to someone. It is literally the first thing that I look at. If you pass that, then I'll start really checking out the rest lol.