Best Posts in Forum: Mental, Medical and Sexual Health

Yikes.

For starters, most people die within 50 miles of where they were born. For me, that seems like a horrifically sad set of circumstances giving how vast the world is. 70% of Americans do not have a passport or any other type of travel document, therefore the vast majority of Americans are not equipped to leave even if they had the resources to do so.

Travelling advances culture and enhances the human experience. That proposition is the same for domestic and international travel. The tone of this article is so cynical that it is almost idiotic.

On the superficial level, this blog posting reads like entitled white women on a quest to save everyone from themselves. On a deeper level, this could be an attempt to discredit cosmopolitism and globalization which is a fundamental tenant of ultra-right movements springing up around the world.

Final point, Travelling can truly change one's understanding of self and space in the world. Ask anyone what they remember about being someplace other than the relative comforts of America? Or better yet, ask people from rural America what they thought about traveling to a place like Vegas or Orlando. Travelling from your sleepy community to somewhere else can be rewarding and open opportunities that were not previously thought about.

 

But the gag is I'm sure somebody in this group read the title and got offended lol!

 

Yes, right here.

There are some topics that are simply very, very difficult to broach, even with the anonymity that is afforded us online. STIs (including HIV), psychological trauma, depression, childhood and adult physical trauma and abuse, domestic violence, sexual assault and rape, drug abuse and addiction, porn addiction....the list is long. Why? Because these subjects are still stigmatized. I think that it's too bad that we don't talk about sexual assault more, but hey, of course I would say something like that- I'm a caring human who does this for a living. I don't know if people wanna hear any of this from me, though. Having the right messenger is important. That's why the makers of Enbrel have Phil Mickelson talk about psaoritic arthritis, and not some dude in a white coat.

So the question becomes, how can we improve dialogue? I think talking about something that happened to you can be anxiety-provoking- I'd never force anyone into that. But some people want to talk about it. I think this is a safe space and conversations would be thought provoking.

@Jdudre you've taken a step and opened up an important topic and I applaud you for that. What else can we do? What else can I do?

 

Right. I think it's also based on what is seen clinically. I had a kid come into the peds ED once complaining of severe rectal pain. Of course when I checked (with one finger!!!!) he was in agony. Yet, when I told him- no more anal sex, he was shocked, and sad, and said, "but I have needs". All I could say was, dude- I had to check you with my index finger- and most d*cks are NOT a single index finger. No sex + stool softeners for a few weeks/months or worsening pain from the fissure- those are the options. I would say he would be at higher risk than most to have incontinence later in life.

I said all that to say this- it's hard to do research on these topics. Most people will either never or under-report their symptoms. There will never be a randomized control study on this topic- only retrospective stuff. It's tough. I think if people were just more open (on pt AND doc side) we could keep more people safe.

 

Great post Nick. I'm looking through the random aches, pains and lessons that come with life in your 40s. I agree with JNH412 that these things affirm and confirm our mortality. I'd also add that they contribute to the wisdom that comes with mindfulness of other perspectives. Sixteen year old me did not consider the impact that of all those hours on the court would have on my knees. Now that I'm a knee replacement candidate, I'm grateful that losing a few pounds keeps the chronic pain at bay (and that I'm healthy enough to lose weight through exercise). The inconveniences and social isolation that can accompany chronic diseases are real! Do your best to be a supportive resource for those near and dear to you.

 

Stumbling across bae, MyVidster, when the random "cell phone porn" comes up 80 percent of the time, it's raw. Unscientific observation, but there's a lot of people who are not using condoms behind closed doors and opened cam apps than they claim to when in public.

 

I would not want to have to maintain this. It must be a bitčh to keep clean and a hazard.

Does he have to stand far back to use the urinal? Does he toss it behind his back to poop? Does he have to sleep on his back to avoid it from loosing blood and going numb? If he laughs and "pees a little" can he blame it on a puppy?

 

Guess this is gonna be a personal mantra for 2016

But the true reality of this situation is the ignorance that's promoted in America. I mean what's so dangerous about a plant?? Like really... Alcohol has a higher body count in fatality deaths then marijuana will ever have. As a seasoned smoker, I don't see the problem yet I do. Out of all the substances used in the world, literally everyone of them has taken numerous lives from drunk driving to overdoses and the occasional throat/lung cancers from cigarettes.

Until I come across a new article or a special news report about someone dying from marijuana within my lifespan, call me pothead or junkie. I love my vice and I practice it proudly and I say this because I'm a survivor of a drunk driving accident that could have ended badly on Christmas of 2012 with me and my car almost going thru a guardrail on the highway into a nearby canal

 

We have know this was coming for years. Big Pharma who is allowed to prey on consumers and rape the public for profit, abandoned antibiotic research and development years ago. They would rather sell $10 epi pens for $ 600, a device that we paid tax dollars to develop. Why spend billions on a new antibiotic drug that cures us, that's just killing their potential chronic illness market.....The only assholes in this sorry state of affairs that are more despicable is our legislative branch who sold us to those greedy Bastards.

 

Yeah, it's a problem. I actually had an argument with a dude once about raw sex. He was upset that I thought it was a mistake, regardless of PrEP status. The caveat of relationship status was briefly mentioned too (I've told patients in the past- I can't endorse raw sex since there are always risks). He didn't take too kindly to that, but we talked it through. I was taken aback by how offended he was of what I was saying, especially since he is very highly educated, my age and HIV positive.

I don't know if anyone has been 100% perfect. I slipped once. But past imperfection doesn't mean that the future needs to be the same. I don't want to be a statistic, so I'm taking measures to protect myself. Everyone should.

 

Got It...in a nutshell:

PrEP does not, cannot correct nor prevent risky or irresponsible behavior.

Ni@@a you right.

 

Hmm. This is incredibly rare...hence the case study. Being on PrEP does not mean that somehow you've received a blessing to bareback. Truvada is simply one tool in the battle against HIV. Nothing is 100% in life and truvada is definitely not advertised that way.

Drug resistance has always been a concern when PrEP became available. And it does rarely happen. But drug resistance caused by using truvada while hiv positive pales in comparison to drug resistance due to people not taking their hiv meds consistently. Also, in high risk communities, you can prevent 1 new hiv infection for every 10-12 people using prep consistently.

 

I can understand your point of view having been raised by a single mother and only having a sister. Women think differently than men and I don't think most single women can effectively make their sons into men. My mom made many of the typical mistakes and like you once I became a teenager I shut down and bottled things up. Fortunately for me I did have an uncle to steer me in the right direction but in many ways I was still in the dark and left to my own devices. It took me until my mid 20s to figure out how to handle myself as a man. Also my situation was complicated by the fact that I'm gay. My mom was not equipped to prepare me for the reality of being a gay black man. That was something I had to figure out on my own.

What you need to to do is find a constructive physical outlet for your aggression. Also your gonna have to learn to push back against your mother especially when she's in the wrong. You're gonna have to establish your independence early and leave the her house if you haven't already done so. I didn't become independent until I left home for good at 21. Once you're gone your mother can't exert any authority you and your sister can't undermine you either.

Check out this article I'm sure many men raised by single moms will recognize these destructive behaviors in their own mothers.
Shawn James, Black Freelance Writer: Ways Single Mothers Destroy Their Sons

 

interestingly, antibodies for lupus, syphillis and maybe a few other ailments often react similarly to hiv antibodies during testing. that in addition to the general marginal error of any test accounts for most false positives.

happy that you are negative. also happy that you felt comfortable sharing the "positive" result with moms and @OckyDub

hiv stigma is real and leads ppl not to disclose. let's be safe out here. praying for a cure in the next decade.

 

Because they are adults and can make their own choices on who they have sex with and what types of sex they are having.

I think people have the right to do what they want as long as they are not hurting others. I am responsible for my own choices when it comes to the risk I take when I decide to get intimate with another man. They tell you when you get the RX that pRep is not a panacea for HIV nor does it prevent anything else. You don't have to keep telling people that every time they get the Rx filled. People still make these choices to go without condoms, which are not 100 percent themselves. Ideally, people would use both means but clearly, Tumblr and PornHub amateur porn is telling us something different.

I also feel that bathhouses and 'dirty book stores' serve their purposes as well. The 70s-80s was still in that era where 'it's not sex because it's with another man' was the train of thought for DL/Bi men. That age of denial is gone. However, I do think that people should have the access they want to explore be that at a sex club, bathhouse, or sex party. Everyone is not going to get your kink.

Even single gay men who have nothing to hide or may still be closeted and have everything to hide can go to those places and get their rocks off. They still chose what they do or don't there and can't blame anyone for any STI they pickup if they didn't t ake the action they needed to or just 'trusted the wrong person'. Most of us have had slip ups no matter how much we may say 'I use condoms 100 percent of the time'. Humans make mistakes and don't always follow their own rules. Even on prep, I may forget to take a pill one or two days out of the month.

Since prep isn't 100 percent, this just proves how it is not. There's really nothing to see here. Millions of people are having sex daily. Factoring that into account, the number is infections people developed while on prep is still low.

Also...

The guy was on a rare form of HIV and wasn't taking his meds. This would have happened even if the guy wasn't taking prep. It's just one of those things. Unfortunately, this man did everything he could have to prevent acquiring HIV but that wasn't enough to prevent his infection. If I was this man, I'd be beyond pissed off that the positive man wasn't taking better care of protecting other people. He put this man at even greater risk than he bargained for.

However... it was his risk and choice to take. The sky isn't falling.

 

I think because straights really only worry about a baby and a woman can only conceive in a certain window, they really don't care about STIs.

As far gays...probably in the UK it's not so much of an issue. I'm sure they have a smaller percentage of cases versus here in the states where we are all hoes. But to say "You should have asked if I was positive or not..." What the fuck? I'd tell him, you bet not let me catch out there in them skreets.

When you do risky ish, chemsex, sex parties, etc, you have to do more to protect yourself. Otherwise, it's just a matter of time. Dude was even like "Oh well" if he had gotten HIV. Like mofos do not even care.

 

This is not new Andrew Christian briefs have a similar setup.
in normal most situations I don't feel a difference in comfort. When you get a hard-on there is a bit more room tho so it is more comfortable

 

It seems like a lot of black gay men don't care about HIV until they acquire it. As Judge Lynn Toler from Divorce Court says you have to be an active participant to be sure you don't get pregnant. The same logic applies to gay men and HIV. You have to take an active role in doing what is needed to avoid acquiring it if you don't want it.

So if half of black gay men will acquire it according to these trends, can we then blame black men who only date or have sex with white men or non black men? I really don't think that's the main reason for B4W gay men, obvi, but I'm just pointing this out.

Education about HIV is something that I think is really lacking in the black community. While I'm not sure if teens of the last generation have been having sex any earlier, they definitely have more and easier access to porn and sex than we did. We'd find one or two 'flicks' and it would be passed around or dubbed to death. These kids have access to A LOT and wide variety with just a few key strokes in full HD. Hell, I'd probably never leave my room if I was my junior high self in 2018 with porn selection like this. Lol

So I mention that to say that porn clearly is not concerned with safe sex, just the sex. So if you don't know any better as a teen, you see what they do on the screen and you'd just stick it in and go. Porn doesn't show you that the actors/models got tested for a battery of STIs. Porn doesn't show the condom being slipped on. Porn doesn't show the actors/models getting testing after the sex is over. Porn does show the cum shot, the facial, the train..etc.

If black households are being lead by mostly single black women, they are the ones responsible for conducting some sexual education. I think that many black women wait until it is too late to start talking about sex and the difference between boys and girls to their kids, doesn't even have to be about gay sex, just sex in general. However, you have to KNOW about something to teach people about it yourself so if you didn't get educated on pregnancy prevention or 'that package' then how are you going to tell someone else about it? "Don't brang no babies up in my house and don't be no faggit" is not sex ed.

What we can do as gay, bi, and non heterosexual men is try to educate our like minded brothers. Though I do think that there is some "HIV fatigue" in our community as we have condoms being being handed out and testing tents at almost every club on the weekend. However, you can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink. I just know I usually grab condoms even if I don't need them from these tents and when I go to the doctor just to have them on hand.

I can say that for me, once I get a few more things in place in my personal life and career, I'd will look into ways I can volunteer to help out. I think it is on all of us. As someone who was in college in the mid 90s and made it through that HIV free in a state and city that is in the top 5 for HIV positive gay men per capita, and I have definitely did some things I probably should not have sexually, I think I'm one of the luckier ones and my body count/age ratio isn't even high.

I think "we" will just have to look out for "us" on this issue because no one else is.

 

I mean, I don't have the extreme issues mentioned in the article but I have gotten bummed out after scrolling through and seeing everyone's perfect lives on Instagram (perfect bodies, endless income, great homes, sexy boyfriends, traveling on great outings with their equally perfect friends).

But on the flip side, I've also been inspired and encouraged by social media. I've found out about a lotta cool events and places to visit thanks to social media. I've kept in contact with a lot of good friends, associates and networking contacts through social media. Socia media can be extremely funny with the instant creation of memes and relevant gifs from random places.

Then there are the people on social media who share the good and the bad of their lives (and then start the obligatory GoFundMe page to help them pay for their problems). Some of my IG thirst traps have been hospitalized for hereditary health issues (heart conditions, sickle cell, etc) and others have shared breakup drama, deaths in the family and near fatal car accidents that have left permanent scars, etc.

So I say all that to say: Its Subjective. I find social media helps me stay connected to other ppl and the world more than it hurts my own self esteem, which is def fragile...but I know I have to look within, not to an app, to find the reasons behind my insecurities.

 

This is nuts. Just nuts. I have no use for these types of people- people who lack ethics, people who refuse to be challenged, people who decide there are certain patients who are not worthy of their alleged expertise. I have no use for them. If they refused to see my LGBTQ patients, why the hell would I ever refer any of my patients to them? (I wouldn't, so there's the answer.)

I was raised in a pretty conservative Christian denomination. I'm not nearly as active in it these days. For about a year I was part of a message board for LBGTQ people who were members of this denomination, and when the issue of providing services to gays/lesbians came up, I was shocked to discover that they supported discrimination. They just didn't get it. Their alleged Christian beliefs didn't rise to the occasion. It was toxic, so I left that group. I'm sure those same people would cheer this bill.

This bill is codified discrimination, pure and simple. It has nothing to do with religious liberty. The fact that these people seem to think they can hide behind the cloak of religious liberty tells me one of two things- either they are terrible humans who are poor representatives of their chosen religion, or their religion itself is terrible.

 

Who said it was 100%? Nothing is 100% but I think people need to remember that it's still more effective than nothing. And you can still use it and condoms and still not be 100% but close to it. Prep wasn't supposed to be a Get Out of Jail Free card.

 

I can do 6 of these easily.

It's the ones requiring other people that makes it a challenge.

 

I am really surprised that Gay folks now are STILL Breeding it Raw! and they are not on PreP. I mean homeboy was embarrassed to ask dude to use a condom, and dude knew he was positive and then blamed him for not asking, EVIL!
It does seem HIV is more of a gay thing than straight, homeboy has raw dogged 100 ppl and no infection(luck maybe) however I think his story would have been different if he was Gay.
When I ask my straight friends about condom use, they usually say the fear of STI's is not there so they hardly use a condom. What they fear is a baby.

 

Yeah I think the podcast is officially retired this time, lol. Our schedules are too incompatible and there aren't many more ppl I would want to interview for the Dopeness podcast.

As for body issues, I was a lil pudgy when I was a kid but then hit a massive growth spurt at about 13 or 14 and leaned out. I remember my Aunts jokingly asking me what diet I did to lose my pudge. So I was super skinny and lanky all through middle school, high school and college.

I got a little self conscious about it in college when I started seeing all these guys my age with GREAT bodies. Even guys with average bodies seemed better than mine. I've never had a six-pack in my life, always had the little paunch even when I was very thin everywhere else, so I was kinda envious when I would see my college roommate shirtless. He ate more junk food than me, smoked hella weed and never worked out, yet his "average" body was everything to me. (Fast forward to today tho, he's looks like Anthony Anderson)

I wasn't as hanger skinny as you described but I was def thin with very little definition or tone. I joined a gym back then but never went after a few times. And this was back in the days when you had to sign yearly gym contracts, where if you stopped paying you were considered in default, which affected my credit.

But I wasn't super aware of body issues until I started hitting the gay scene in my late 20s (around the time Ocky and I first met). I remember getting on the hookup websites and seeing dudes using headless pics of their abs and muscles as profile photos. I didn't have either so I used a closeup of my lips, a feature that others had told me was nice.

It really wasn't until recently that the lbs started sticking. I blame the slower metabolism of age as well as me
making more money now to treat myself to restaurant meals and plenty cocktails. Although I talk about body and weight a lot on the site and podcasts, I'm really not that bad physically. I'm not what anyone would call in great shape, but I'm also not "fat" in the traditional sense. I'm "gay fat."

As a guy that primarily likes to Top, my physical weight gain def is not holding me back in the community. What's doing that is all mental. I look at myself in the mirror and don't feel attractive (even tho others may think I am) so it affects the self confidence. But that's the thing, even when I was thinner, I still had confidence issues. Back then is was financial...or not having a fancy car...or having multiple roommates...basically I always found something to be insecure about, even when I didn't need to be. I've thought about therapy for this but haven't been too serious about it yet.

 

What in the broke AF shit is this!?! Condoms come in at least three in a box, folks now washing to reuse?

 

1st.
One would be surprised of how many men with large penises have very low self esteem.

2nd.
@Nick Delmacy and I have discussed creating more easier ways for members to sign in when we launch the updated site.

The #1 option so far is penis biometric login for apple/android users. Members would go to CypherAvenue.com place their penis on their phone or tablet screens for instance access.

To accomplish this, members would need to send peen pics (erect and flaccid) so we can link them to your username.

 

All one needs to do is look at how American and our politicians are handling the heroin crisis (which has primarily impacted whites) vs how it handled the crack epidemic to show that America doesn't care and take major action until whites are impacted.

Being that HIV/AIDs greatly impacts communities of color and prisons are filled with people of color, sorry but America collectively is not really serious about this issue right now.

 

Stating reality is not being too controversial. We're both of the age when AIDS and HIV were death sentence diagnoses. The first person I personally knew with HIV, a college advisor, died about a month after his diagnosis. Looking back, he was probably DL, but I also know straight brothers and sisters who've died from it. Part of the "normalization" is generational. Whereas we remember the "you gonna DIE!" days, younger folk are told (even by medical and behavioral professionals I know, who should know better) that "nowadays, it's just being like a diabetic." To a degree, I guess that's true, but it still seems an irresponsible to categorize as such, especially when Type I is generally incurable and unavoidable, and even Type II can often be reversed if caught early (Drew Carey). HIV is STILL permanent. Yeah, the quality of life is nothing like the 1980s and 1990s, but you're STILL on a lifelong regimen of pills. And with Trump and Republicans rolling back Obamacare and Medicare, do you really want to put your life at the threshold of drugs you may or not be able to afford or obtain?

On another note, I didn't realize you had a YouTube channel. Subscribed now.

 

Stories like this reminds me about why I do what I do professionally. HIV is a subject that few people wanna talk about. And I feel that when you do, people either think it's "political", doesn't affect them, doesn't matter, or it's rather glibly 'whatever'.

This really hit me hard since I've heard it so many times;
"RUSSELL MARTIN: I got routine checks until I got into a relationship. And it was once I was in a relationship, I didn’t do it."

There are a lot of Russells out there, in every community. HIV is real among gay, bisexual and transgendered black men of all ages and social statuses.

We are ALL at high risk of contracting HIV. ALL of us. Know it and get tested regularly, regardless of whether or not you're in a secure relationship. It's important. Get connected with a medical professional who cares about you. Ask questions, including about PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis). And talk about it with dude(s) you're sleeping with.

The first step in fixing the problem is to become educated. @Rico you've done a tremendous service to the cause. Cheers!

Y'all know where to find me if you have questions.

 

I would be sooo pissed off.

 

First, if any well meaning post rises up-there I am. We can't get enough of feeding our physical and mental health.

I read the article, and it was just another testimant concerning seeking mental health. Black Americans, and possible other minorities have a extreme resistance when it comes to getting ardvice from outside sources.

The article touched on religion as one of the culprits and in my story it's true. Growing up in a Pentecostal church is no joke. The "supernatural" is a strong component of the faith and receiving help from any other source is a lack of it.

A believer should be able to "fast and pray." Also, "3 or more touch and agree, it shall be done." Whatever the problem you were facing would disappear.

Yeah i know ,exactly. Lol. It wasn't until l went to college that my "eyes became open," figuratively speaking. Lol. I also chose psychology as my major. But, I got sidetracked and fell off course. That's another story.

 

Yes, that is correct. I always tell my patients on antiretrovirals to not screw around. I say it with my serious face. This does happen- HIV becomes resistant when meds aren't taken appropriately.

The same can happen with Truvada/PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis for HIV prevention). If you don't take Truvada consistently, end up contracting HIV and then keep taking Truvada, the virus now in your body will likely be resistant to many of the usual drug cocktails. It's a serious problem, and has happened. Inappropriate use of Truvada is one of the reasons why a doctor will stop prescribing it to you. That's one of the reasons why doctors don't give many refills on Truvada- we need to bring you back to make sure people are taking it correctly.

Another antiretroviral story- I've seen patients on Hep C treatment (there's a new cure for at least one subtype of Hep C) miss a few days of their meds, and boom, Hep C is not cured and is now unlikely to ever be cured.

I have a feeling the nameless "they" aren't medical professionals. Well, I hope they aren't anyways. Being HIV+ means you are HIV+. Fullstop. It is unlikely-but still possible-for someone who has an "undetectable" viral load to transmit HIV.

Just wrap it up people.

 

From my experience, about a year ago, I communicated with a guy who was upfront about being HIV+. However, my turn off was the fact that he still engaged in unprotected sex as if yesterday news stated that the NIH and CDC confirmed that there is a cure for the disease. That was for the birds. I've noticed that over time, it's a growing thing for some people who are HIV+ (men) to be comfortable having sex without a condom because of PReP and other medical treatments. It's the "You can still live a long life with the disease" mentality as a justification...BYE!

It's a natural feeling to be hesitant, as an HIV- person, to date/have sexual relations with someone who is HIV+. For me, my way of doing so will be very different aside someone who is HIV-. I wouldn't be paranoid walking around with medical equipment as if just breathing or existing around the person will spray the disease on me. I would say that as far as sex goes, condoms will be involved with any penetration (with no reservation) just like with any HIV- person (presumption aside), even orally.

 

Sigh...man this made me sad. Glad she has somebody who loves her but damn, Love yourself...sh!t