No Spouse, No Kids, No Caregiver: How to Prepare to Age Alone

Dude, I think about this subject a LOT. Especially this piece of it...

3. Make new friends and keep the old.

Your social connections can help with practical health care needs, like driving you to the doctor when you're unable. But they also do something powerful: keep you alive, research suggests. In a 2012 study of over 2,100 adults age 50 and older, researchers found that the loneliest older adults were nearly twice as likely to die within six years than the least lonely – regardless of their health behaviors or social status.

Connections can also help ward off depression, which affects nearly 20 percent of the 65-and-older population, according the National Alliance on Mental Illness. "One of the things that keeps people from being depressed is to be connected," Rahl says. "The more social activities you have, the more friends, the more things you can do to keep your body and mind active – that's the best protection you have against mental illness."

...Its not necessarily a fear, but rather a kind of realization/acceptance that {if I get to AARP age} and something happens to me, I'm most likely gonna be in my apartment gettin eaten up by my cat because people RARELY call me and NOBODY comes to my house. Hell, if something happens to me NOW, I'm in the same boat. Making friends has never been a strong point of my personality. I have 2 {best} friends, one is my cousin who himself may not live out a long life, and my other friend who lives in CA, who I may hear from once a month (on a good month). Everyone else I know {non-familial} could really give less than a half a good f#$k what happens to me so, my future story line is looking pretty grim at this point.

 

@alton just try to open yourself up and put yourself out there. Hope all ends up improving.

 

Yesterday morning a younger friend who lives up the street sent me this article with a note that said "I worry about this!"
I do. I think the advice in the article is sound, particularly as @alton noted the importance of making new friends and keeping old ones.
I've been lucky - I am the youngest of my siblings, my sister, who is single, retired 24 years ago, my brother who is married, retired 16 years ago. They've shown me the way to do it, and I would say the common element for both of them is that third point. Making new, younger friends. That was the advice my sister gave me a long time ago.
We need support systems. 25 years ago I tore up my knee and was in a hard cast from my hip to my toe for a month. I lived alone at the time - my on again, off again SO was switched to the off position at the time and I would not contact him. It was tough but I was able to cobble together a group of friends to help me. Of course after a week of this one of them called my SO who came directly over and took over my care.

I have just retired, am no longer in a relationship, but I do have a good circle of friends who support each other and our ages vary. Many of us are single. In the 24 hours since I first saw this article, a number of friends mentioned it. Though we had not talked about the issue amongst ourselves before, it seems that we will be talking about it now.

I would add one other thought. For years I had one of my family members, a nephew who lives on the west coast, as both the executor of my will and my medical proxy. A few years ago I realized it did not make sense for him to be the medical proxy. I asked my best friend, who lives a few blocks from me, and with whom I have discussed lots of health issues and who has a health care background, to be my medical proxy. We discussed it for a long time and he agreed. He knows my family well, and they know him. Every one is comfortable with the arrangement.

 

Perhaps you should get rid of that cat now... I know it is a horrible joke to make in the circumstance but I couldn't quite help myself, sorry.

On a serious note, I suppose one can only try one's best in establishing and nuturing relationships, hoping that they develop into something really meaningful. At the end of the day it's up to the other person to reciprocate. As they say, you can't legislate affection.

 

This scares me. While both my husband and I our in are very early 30s, 30 and 33 to be exact the topic of what we are going to do when we are old comes up time and time again, particularly when the subject a kid/kids come up. I have been in the solidly no kids camp for a while now but I think once I have a kid that would change and my husband is team kids all the way. Between the both of us we have 5 nieces and nephews that we treat really well. Hopefully they pull through for us when we are in our advanced years.

 

I think I'll have a kid in the next 5 years...no later than 45...Obviously it would be an arranged thing or adoption, but def feeling the paternal urge lately since I've been spending more time with my nephews.

But having a spouse and kids is no guarantee that you won't be alone when you get older. Couples break up, kids disown/ignore their parents and people do die, even children.

 

This. Times a million. You can make the best plans, have the best life, but you never know what life is gonna throw at you. Relationships can break up, Friends and partners can leave or(worse)die, there are no guarantees. My best advice is don't put all of your eggs in one basket. I learned that the hard way.

Diversify and expand your group of friends...which is hard to do really when you are a bit older, but better than the alternatives. And designate legal things to the right people, and have a system of checking up on each other, either text, email, call, show up in person, etc.

*Screw that first part (kids) though. lol.

 

I really worry about this issue all the time. I prob will not have kids (I really don't want any lol) Overall I worry I might not have accumulated the type of wealth or money needed to take care of myself in a comfortable manner later in my life. If I have a major healthy issue that leaves me debilitated Im not sure if my generation will be able to depend on social security or medicaid. Getting older is kind of scary so many what if's.

 

For the past 35 years i have worked to save Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid from attempts to kill these problems, not just from Republicans but also from centrist, deficit-hawk Democrats (read the Clinton crowd). Over those years I frequently met younger people who doubted these social insurance programs would be around when they got old. My argument was - and is - that if you want to be sure they survive, then you have to fight for them, which means supporting officials who believe that social insurance is worth saving. There are reforms that are needed, and most of those that will work are relatively mild.

Unfortunately, there is one 'reform' that has a disproportionately adverse affect on African-American and other minority folks - delaying the age at which one qualifies for full Social Security benefits. When I first started in this field, Social Security kicked in fully at 65. At the present time for those born between 1943 and 1954, it will phase to 66, and then for those born after 1960, it will be 67. There are reformers out there, Democrats included, who want to push it further back. But the demography of minority communities and their work experience mean that these people generally have poorer health and poorer economic resources than do white Americans. For these people, waiting until 67 or longer is a greater hardship.

A great deal of personal planning is necessary so that you have good health and sound resources as you age. But it is also important that you work to elect Members of Congress and Senators who support these programs and will ensure that they survive. It is worth noting that the members of the Congressional Black Caucus and Congressional Hispanic Caucus have a solid record defending these programs. They understand their value to their constituents.

 

This entire topic truly scares the hell out of me...so much to the point that I've come to a revelation that a lot of people feel is weird.

I don't want to live long.

Seriously, I don't plan on having children and I highly doubt I'll have a S/O to take care of me, so I hope I clock out of here early. Preferably within the next 20-25 years. All that I ask is that my parents go before I do so they don't have to put their child in the ground.

Surely I'm not the only one who feels this way...or at least not the only one who's thought about it.

 

My former partner, who passed away two years ago at the age of 64, told me in 2000 when we went to San Francisco in 2000 to celebrate his 50th birthday that he did not think he would make it to 50 (he'd been positive for 11 years by then). We talked a lot about it on the trip and after, and he said then that he had more or less made up his that he wanted to "go" early. But by 2000 he realized that there was still so much more he wanted to do. What seemed to him so certain in 1990, now in 2000, was just a bleak moment. In 20 years @Shon you will be his age when we celebrated his 50th. He had a lot to live for then and did right up until the end. (I am not implying anything about your status). I am 69, have no S/O, no kids. i think about this a lot, but I figure that somehow or other when the time comes, I will be clear about what I want. But right now, I want to keep on going. I hope you do too.

 

I've felt something like that, though not so soon. I've thought that I don't want to live if I'm ever in a condition where I'm unable to care for myself. I'm reminded when I see my nearly 100-year-old grandmother. She spends her days in bed and occasionally says stuff like it's time for her to go, and I don't know if the occasional visits from loved ones (besides the two of her kids that live with her, including one who rarely seems to interact with her) make her seemingly unpleasant life worthwhile anymore.

 

Heading off to work, but first thank everyone for their comments. That's what I really dig at CA, the true diversity of experience and age input from @jpo to younger ones. In a nutshell, we should explore mutual aid societies; legal constructs and fictions, arranged for mutual economic and social benefit (e.g. when gay men used to adopt others as sons to get around DOMA and other bullshit); perhaps senior centers exclusively for gay men and lesbians, sort of like a Best Exotic Marigold Hotel for black gay men (no, I'm really serious, y'all know I'm all about entrepreneurial shit).

Now on a lighter note, don't write off silver daddies. They're not all sitting at Denny's reading Viagra ads in AARP Weekly. Dude's pic in initial thread got me swooning. Some of the best sex I've had lately is with Ed Bradley types, plus you still get to be the "hot young one" even in your 40s/50s

 

I have been thinking a lot about this lately. When I was coming up, I had older gay men who, consciously or not, acted as guides, even role models. What struck me then was how tight they were. They really hung together, despite their bitchiness, their drama. They seemed to look out for each other - everything from checking up if someone had not been heard from in a while (these were the days when cruising was a lot more dangerous), to bringing food when someone was sick (pre-HIV, folks still got sick). A more hostile society meant that they hung together more. Us young'uns didn't quite get it then but we did appreciate it that if we were having a crisis, these silverbacks provided a shoulder to cry on.

This intensified in the early days of the epidemic, but as (parts of) society became more accepting, I think we're not so tight. We don't go to gay bars anymore, we go to gay-friendly bars. Our buds are more diverse. But with a larger straight and gay universe, our mutuality is in danger of being lost. I think we all have experienced a situation when a good straight friend gets married and gradually he's not as available as he once was. My experience is that these friendships continue but folks just are not as attentive. They have lots of familial responsibilities.

We do need to find ways, as @Rico suggests, to find bonds that endure and are forged with the view of being a community that cares for each other at all times.

CA is a model in cyber space. Is there a way to do it in real space?

 

Damn man, going by your profile age at 31, so in the next 20-25 years at age 51 - 56 you want to be dead? Is everything ok? I feel the thread may have taken a left if its that serious. Please let anyone on here know if anything is seriously wrong or you need someone to talk to more privately. Because I for one don't like to hear talk like that. I know its your personal opinion, but some people just get started in there 50's and have FANTASTIC lives.

Guys, how about trying NOT TO WORRY. Because thats only gonna bring exactly what your worrying about.

You may have concerns, thats human. But try to focus on how you would like your older life to be and do the things now to move in that direction. Whether its kids, a partner, a fund for older age (to pay others to take care of you) etc.

Sorry guys, I'm sure I stated that way of thinking more than once on other topics we talk about, but I just don't do well with the DOOM and GLOOM talk. I know its just others opinions, but lets try to pepper it with some positivity as well.

 

Ditto everything @Omega Level said.TALK to any of us if you need to.We talk about everything on here,even personal internal issues.Here's a thread where you can post whatever you need to,whenever you need to.http://cypheravenue.com/boards/threads/squad-support.539/

Even if you don't have someone in your life in the second half,that doesn't mean your life can't be just as full as it is now.Take care of yourself.Keep your health on point.50 isn't hardly old.I know plent of people in their 60s and 70s who pass for 40 with their looks and more importantly,vitality.My grandma is in her late 80s and she does everything for herself.You don't have to miss out on more decades of experience and enjoyment,even if you have to do it alone.

There's no guarantee you won't have your own family.The best things in life are often a surprise.How often can you really say you saw significant players in your life coming before you met them?

We're not trying to preach or be annoying,we just don't want you to give up.Love all around dude.

 

@Shon
It's one thing to look at getting older from the vantage of enjoying your present youth. As the rock group The Who famously sang, "hope I die before I get old." In that sense, I wouldn't judge, as I remember my perspectives on "old age" in my 20s. As a 26-year-old manager, I hired a 32-year-old guy; both me and my 27-year-old assistant thought, "God, he's OLD!!" Lol. Those were the days. If your coming from a perspective of not being able to perceive future years, I can empathize and remember my own previous thought processes.

Some of aging is just genetics. You can't necessarily prevent how you age and leave here based on that. The part that's not genetic is very much in your hands. A lot of my classmates grew up too fast and look it. Too much partying, hoe-ing, drinking, etc. I don't like to be around them anymore than younger ones as I don't want a reminder of the Grim Reaper anymore than I need. Working in law enforcement it's not unusual to see mug shots of people who are half my age that look twice it.

As everyone else said, hopefully you aren't coming from a perspective of despair. Sadly, in my own coming out process, I was disheartened by what I considered to be an almost infantile obsession of youth by gay men. So I know that you have to wrestle with that too. As everyone has said feel free to reach out to someone here if that's where you're at mentally. Also don't be afraid to reach out to a good mental professional that's gay. I have a friend that's a LCSW and black gay male, so it's been cool to run some real world shit by him from time to time.

The reality for me, however, is that I'm accomplishing WAY more now past 40 than I did before 40. If I had some guys' perspective, I would have robbed myself and others of so much I had to give had I despaired and checked out ahead of time. Ray Kroc (McDonalds) and Dave Thomas (Wendy's) and Col. Saunders all hit the big time financially well past 50. Just yesterday I was complimented by national leadership on my job on my work product. That didn't happen in my 20s even though I had the same work ethic That's one reason it's good that bruhs like me @Tyroc @Sean P @jpo @ColumbusGuy (who are all older than me cough cough lol) are in these parts. When a lot of gay men in the 80s and 90s came through their elders were dying off left and right from AIDS, etc. There are a number of older white gay bloggers on the Net writing, living, and thriving. The examples need to be set for young gay black men.

 

@Shon
I think a lot more people think like you do and a fleeting feeling to me is normal but I hope that's all it is.
Getting older isn't just scary, it's fu@king frightening as Hell but it's a part of life.
Try not to dwell on the fear though, just take care of yourself as well as you can now to ease the transitional phases into age to help make it easier on yourself.
Take it from an incredibly well preserved older dude that life doesn't stop at a magic number and like @DreG stated, life finds a way of surprising you and you never know who or what may enter your life at any given point.

Gratitude @DreG for the acknowledgment LoL

 

I guess that's one good thing a life-scare while young will give you, it makes you think about things REAL HARD and growing older gets LESS scary for some us. After being shot at and in the position of could-die-at-any-moment with rockets and mortars, by the time I hit my 40s, age didn't phase me anymore. Obviously I don't want Alzheimer's or the Big C, loss of mobility or libido...but other than THOSE (lol) I'm cool with where I'm at.

 

We know you're immortal and will be the collest person alive for many more centuries to come.

 

It is the things he might be doing(to others especially) to stay this way that is the scary thing.


And getting older is not a 'disease' or anything in and of itself..it is a natural part of the life cycle. We all have a time. None of us get out alive when it comes to this here thing called life. Unless something absolutely intolerable comes up, getting older is a hell of a lot better than the alternative of not getting older. (without whatever in Gawd's name certain people might be doing to 'hold off' the natural aging process...*shudders*.)

This reminds me of that stupid Canadian f.a.g. porn star who killed himself about 25 years ago because he actually felt he had reached the apex of his physical perfection and would only decline after that point...at the ripe old age of...25! You can really take this too far.

And it is selfish too-always about us and what is in it for us, nothing about what we might do for others as we get older. My parents are both currently still living(knocks wood) at 83 and 88, and some of the best things they have ever done for other people were after they were older than I am now. They literally saved lives (including mine) after the age of 60. We are so selfish sometimes we barely have the right to claim to be part of any 'community' really.

I have to have a better outlook because if I got those 'getting old' genes and have 30 more years...



I just have to deal and

 

I'm sure people enjoy what he's doing to them.

 

Yeah he probably makes it worth it for them....if they survive and all. I sometimes wonder with what some of you all watch with religious fervor if there might be some kind of serial killer/vampire/cannibal/etc. sub-board or something.

*okay I admit I am fascinated with disasters both natural and otherwise and know of ALL of them and I am an expert on them(seriously, if you want to know anything about any historical disaster I am the go-to guy) and some other weird sh@t too...I just don't talk about it lol. We all have our...'eccentricities' and all.


So I understand. If..you know..any of the 'suspected ones' on here want to... 'confess' anything or own up to any nefarious activity. I won't tell...promise.


*plus I know all of the best ways NOT to get killed and survive in any disaster situation plus I have Medical/Nursing training, know First Aid, can stick in an IV and also perform an emergency Tracheotomy(ok I saw Radar do one on a M.A.S.H. episode, look it up-still counts)so that is a positive spin on it all I guess.

 

Yeah I saw that episode of MASH too. All that does is make me wish we had that CA comedy show to do a parody (SMASH).

"Radar...you got to clear his throat!"
"But...but...how?"
"First, unzip your pants..."

 

Meh...I'm just going to rely on the inevitable advancement of technology to keep me comfortable in my decrepit golden years. I'd guess we're only 20-25 years away from believable artificial intelligence and with all the disposable income I'll have from not having kids I can buy myself a nice retirement present....

 

This has been one of the most interesting threads I've followed - granted I used to work in this field, but the comments have been interesting.
For guys who are interested in looking at some of the questions raised in more depth, take a look at this recently released report on LGBT aging from The Williams Institute at UCLA. It's a little wonky but it's worth a look. The Institute consistently produces excellent materials for our community.

http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/LGBT-Aging-A-Review.pdf

 

Benefit society - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

@Rico - I love you - who would have thought someone would bring Peter Kropotkin, one of my heroes, to the Boards! Another reason to celebrate the fifth birthday!!