Why do people cheat?

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Fanon, Aug 29, 2016.

  1. Fanon

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    Maybe it's because I have the life experience of a 22-year-old or it's because I've never been in a relationship, but I never understood the logic (if there is any) behind infidelity.

    If someone isn't satisfying you anymore and/or you've fallen out of love with them wouldn't it be better to be upfront and honest and tell your partner that instead of them discovering you've been involved with someone else? You're going to hurt the person's feelings either way, so why cheat...?

    Idk, what do you guys think?
     
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  2. JohnDoe

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    I imagine this isn't easy for some folks.
     
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  3. Winston Smith

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    Life experience of a 22 year old, wisdom of an 80 year old. Hit the nail on the head. Cowardice and an inability to be honest about ones own desires and consideration/empathy for the other.
     
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  4. alton

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    It could be any number of things, as well as any combination of those things.

    Cowardice (This is multi faceted. Could be fear of commitment, fear of how peers will view one, etc)
    Selfishness (Also multi faceted and ties in with being a liar, but all boils down to the dude/girl just flat out being selfish)
    Genuine Nymphomania
    Environment (they grew up around rampant infidelity)
    Media Influence (they see it on "Reality TV" constantly and feel that's the way it is)

    In the end, there's no definitive explanation to why anyone cheats.
     
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  5. ColumbusGuy

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    People are imperfect and cheat for many different reasons. Also if someone cheats is does not necessarily mean they do not love their partner or want to leave their partner. If you do want to break it off, then yeah, it is more of a too scared, etc. to be honest thing usually IMO.

    Also cheating does not have to be, nor does it, necessarily end a relationship. Some people can work on and repair relationships when cheating has occurred. They may feel they have invested a lot, care about their partner, and feel the relationship is such that it is worth at least trying to repair it.

    When people do love eachother, and cheating occurs, I think often it is a breakdown in communication.
     
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  6. OckyDub

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    Because religion has irreversibly influenced society with unrealistic standards and guilt.
     
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  7. DreG

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    From what I've observed,or been outright told, a lot of people don't register it as an offense against the relationship.They see it as an activity that's seperate from their partner,like just another private moment that doesn't have to affect them .Some of them get what they want for their satisfaction,but still want their life with their mate,and feel like as long as that person is oblivious and happy,then the relationship is good...unless they find out they're being cheated on too,then the hypocrisy gets turned up to 100.

    I was having a discussion about this with my frien the other night.I told her I think people have bad habits that lead them here unintentionally.Like,they may not plan on sleeping with someone else,but they didn't realize the danger in getting too comfortable with confiding in an outside person,or things like that,which leads to a certain unexpected intimacy.

    This makes a difference too.if your,daddy,granddy,uncles,and cousins all had 5 women a piece with no consequence,then you might be less likely to understand why you need the discipline to not do the same.Although it might make you want to break the cycle.

    And then you have a lot of people,men and women,who know what's up but won't challenge the behavior out of fear of being alone,so the behavior is enabled.


     
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  8. OckyDub

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    Many people like having sex and plenty of people like having sex with multiple or different partners. This was not/never a problem with the majority of cultures around the world until religion by way of European Christian colonialism in the 1400 / 1500s made it a problem.

    Everything else or the "causes of" are not addressing the root and its disastrous implementations and flaws.

    If you want to be in a committed relationship with one person, that's fine but its not the historical norm by any means.
     
  9. Winston Smith

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    As much as I'd like to drag the Flying Spaghetti Monster into this, you can't lay all the blame on religion. Plenty of non-religious, agnostic and atheists have been scum in relationships.

    Remember, fidelity is also an ethical and legal concept not just religious. My dad never attended church a day in his/my life and he was a serial adulterer. One reason I so am so hard on cheaters and adulterers is that there are non-religious items involved; e.g. a cheating spouse introducing an STD/STI to unknowing spouse, effects on kids (even gays and lesbians adopt), etc. I think I've stated before that I support open relationships, even polygamy and polyandry (yeah, I know all the Modern Family gays ain't down with that), but that's ONLY if all parties agree to terms ahead of commencement. So, in my parent's case, I still consider my late father to be an Anthony Wiener/Bill Clinton type scum because my mother signed up for a traditional marriage not philandering. One of the parties violated the contract.

    As a side note, glad to see Huma Abedin finally dropped Weiner's ass. Why do powerful women like her and Sect. Clinton think they need to settle? Hell, Jackie O went from a president to a billionaire without a second thought. Women (and us guys too) do have options....
     
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  10. Winston Smith

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    You left out Islam, Judaism, Mormonism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, Bahaism, Shintoism....gasp...ran out of breath...cough...just say most if not all of the spooky belief systems not just the Dutch East India Co. Crew (including a lot of silly traditional African ones too)

    Plus in modern times, some strains of feminism and Afrocentricism can't deal with the biological fact that men are just meant to spread our love and seed like plants and pollen (see the book, Sex At Dawn)
     
  11. DreG

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    This has been suggested to one of the serial cheaters I know.I told him to justl et the women know up fron tthey're no exclusive,and even two of his gf's have suggested having other partners but he likes to front for whatever reason.I don't get it.
     
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  12. Winston Smith

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    Probably some bs control/power thing going on. I had roommates like that in college. I only felt half sorry for their girlfriends because they had to know what was going on but were so invested into the idea of "I gotta have a man" (as @Ockydub has spoke about before) they enabled the bullshit
     
  13. OckyDub

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    Holla at me when non-white-non-christians - Europeans colonize the world.

    Again...not focusing on or analyzing the root or the beginnings to understand where we are now is a huge mistake. Regardless if I'm an atheist now...we live in an society that was shaped by Judaeo Christian principles enforced by colonialism.

    I'm mad you cheated because society's moral code of the last 500 yrs has indoctrinated us to believe we should be.
     
  14. Winston Smith

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    Alright I'm a just leave it there. When you (Sam), I (Frasier) or Columbus Guy (Carla) get into it, a thread turns into a bad episode of Cheers lol. Black history (and woes) is as much Islamic as "The Twins", that's all I'm saying. Unlike Malcolm X and Farrakhan, I know the black man's demon is a three- not two-headed monster. My axis of evil, unlike George W. Bush, is Christianity, Islam and Judaism.
     
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  15. OckyDub

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    :ufdup::umad:
     
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  16. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I think the argument that monogamy is unnatural has its flaws and its truths. What can't be debated is that the other partner has a right to consent to the relationship you are wishing to have or not.

    If you want the freedom to have sex with others but want to maintain that core relationship inform your partner and let them make the decision on rather you and that kind of relationship works for them you have no right to thrust them into a situation they didn't sign off on.

    Where the issue comes in I believe is the dishonesty, the breaking of the commitment of which you entered into as the other person understood it to be. It's like a breach of contract. The amount of lying, deceitful and sneaky behavior necessary to maintain a relationship while cheating when honesty when your needs change would suffice would be the issue for me if I ever were in that situation.

    Those that want and can maintain monogamous relationships like myself don't get the cheating aspect for those reasons.
     
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  17. mojoreece

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    I might be over simplifying it but because people just feel like they can but deal with the consequences later.
     
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  18. ControlledXaos

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    Well I have to say that I can easily put sex in its own little box. I have been in a handful of relationships that have lasted for more than a year and in each and every one of them, I have had the opportunity to cheat. Only once did I act on it and it was really early in the relationship. So it wasn't like I had developed feelings.

    So I definitely can understand how people cheat and are not honest because they don't want to be "seen that way" but I can see how and understand how people can separate sex into its own thing. I would be concerned more in the emotional cheating than the physical.

    I have a few face book friends who make it known they are in open gay relationships and play together or separate. I know it takes the right two people for that to work but I don't knock it if it works for them.

    I just don't see if you have spent most of your adult life single and mingling how you can just shake that just because you jumped the broom, even if you are emotionally committed to one person, you are still going to find other men attractive and have desires.
     
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  19. ColumbusGuy

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    You are not shit for this. And here I have been so generous with you and have pictured you as Idris Elba. Fuck that now. Carla? If anyone (and if I had to be a damn woman) I would be Diane's crazy self. You remember when she made that ridiculous film to keep Woody from leaving and going back home to Indiana? The one with the nuclear explosions and ending in FIN? The one that Woody's dad poo-pooed as being derivative?-that is just the supercilious pretentious neurotic shit I would have done at that time! lol. Plus at that time I was skinny as fuck. And I am not a midget. You really were not shit for that lol.

    Carla? Please I am not that evil. You have gone from Idris to Norm btw. From now on it is NOOOOORRRRRMMMMM!!!!!!

    :sucka::bronbad::franko1:


    *Where do they get these smilies? I wish they had one for my beloved Woody. It could be the 'drunk' smiley.
     
    #19 ColumbusGuy, Aug 29, 2016
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  20. Winston Smith

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    @ColumbusGuy Man you are soooooo sensitive. Lol. Carla was the shit. Gender has nothing to do with it. That was a compliment so accept it.

    Now if I had called you Cliff...THAT would be some solar eclipse-wide shade. Or Lillith. So take the compliment, cause I sure am...I WISH my ass was on the Idris Elba scale of godliness. Like I've said, take this, put some prescription shades on it and a middle age spread you're in the ballpark: http://i.cdn.turner.com/nba/nba/dam/assets/151015201947-20151015-richard-jefferson-pod.1200x672.jpg
     
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  21. ColumbusGuy

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    LOL Carla was a damn devil...but what is really sad is I thought her ex was kinda hot. Sleazy but hot. I am just having fun with it anyway. You WERE Idris...that is gone now! I liked Lilith lol. I never liked Frasier. I liked Wings better than Cheers anyway along with Murphy Brown and Spin City and Roseanne. Cheers was way overrated-especially after Shelley Long left- Kirstie Alley just tried to hard and was a $cieno!

    Give me Esther's Woody and Carla's Ex. lol. Yeah I have always had strange...eccentric tastes.


    *although if you are actually Idris-like you really should consider moving to CBUS...just sayin' and all.

    *and yeah I am a bit tipsy as I stopped and got some Tito's on the way home. Why not?-I don't have to work tomorrow since my boss gave the hours to that new young pretty white girl! Shit
     
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  22. Sean

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    1) It's human nature
    2) We don't know any better
    3) We can get away with it

    Very short, blunt answers but here's my explanation:
    1) We are different from animals because of our intellect and some other stuff, but when you break it down, people are animals and behave as such. Male animals fight to get the booty from the female and she often picks the stronger one, the one with the prettiest feathers or the biggest throat. She has her kids, and in most cases, dude animal has gone on bout his business, chillin wit his boys (ex. Lions). Fidelity, as it was mentioned, is an ethical, religious AND social construct. We are kinda instunctually prone to going after the next best thing.

    2) Despite the influence of morals on the concept of fidelity, it happens a lot because it's all we see and have seen and we dont know better. It's no excuse, but families have been broken from some time, with kids often knowing their parents are unhappy and sometimes stepping out on the other parent. (Parents stay together, "for the kids," but are often doing more harm than good). The message it sends adult kids is that as long as you keep the family together, it's ok. We have limited examples of solid, good home environments, so we often don't think of all the implications of cheating.
    3) These days , its just easy to. Plain and simple.
     
  23. ColumbusGuy

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    I also think that with minority groups, which are taught to hate themselves, that lingering self hate can cause people to self-sabotage their own relationships by cheating. When self-hate is drilled into you by a society from an early age, great harm is done and it is hard to feel worthy all the time of good things. It just takes one period of low self esteem and weakness to make that bad decision. I think we are at even more of a risk because of this. If you are a double minority, it is just that much harder. JMHO.
     
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  24. Fanon

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    I'm not saying that having multiple partners in a relationship or marriage is wrong at all because there are plenty of swingers out here (I'm suddenly reminded of the plethora of awkward swinging/cuckold ads on Craigslist, midwesterners sure do love them some "black bulls" and orgies :whut:). These couples effectively communicated their desire for other people in their bedrooms, so wouldn't infidelity be in part due to a lack of communication or the two not being on the same page?

    For me, I'm just not getting past the whole "I just couldn't find it within me to tell you" bs. So, instead of telling me your desires for sexual interaction with other people you do it behind my back?
    [​IMG]

    Nahhhhh, I ain't buying it.
     
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  25. Fanon

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    It seems men (and women) like Weiner just aren't cut out for monogamous relationships. And that's okay, it's just best not to get involved with someone who has the desire for a monogamous relationship.

    With that said, I do think the money, power, wealth, and resources of the respective men they've married was a factor in staying in those relationships as long as they did. I can't say how big a factor, but if we're honest the aforementioned has a remarkable ability to increase our level of tolerance.
     
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  26. Fanon

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    This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about!!!
    [​IMG]
     
  27. ControlledXaos

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    @Fanon

    How would anyone react to this inconvenient truth of being up front with not wanting to be exclusive?

    "I love you and emotionally, you bae, however, I am attracted to other people physically and sexually and I want to explore that."

    This would be a major turning point in a relationship. Will it end right there? Do you sit down and think about it? Do you feel "less than" because you are now dealing with the reality they you are not "everything" to this person? Do you feel relieved because you were feeling the same way? Or happy because you were already looking for an "out" and this way you can jump without any guilt? Etc etc.

    I know a lot of people have hard and fast rules with infidelity, open relationships etc where there is zero tolerance. However I know many times the people who have these rules have eventually taken the person back later on.



    I just wonder if someone is open to taking them back, what's the difference between that and having a hall pass so to speak other than permission?
     
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  28. Tyroc

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    I don't believe there's one set answer for why people cheat.
    I only know why I have and haven't cheated on someone.

    If I'm in love and in a committed long term relationship, I'm not going to cheat for any reason, even when times are tough and I'm wanting to throttle them and the sex is there and easy from some outside influence.

    I'm not a perfect man and may have flirted and raised expectations of others for selfish egotistical reasons but I take a relationship seriously and don't believe in jeopardizing the long term future of a relationship by stepping out or becoming emotionally invested in anyone else for any reason.

    I've had it happen before and it definitely has done some long term damage to my own self deluded and massive ego and I admit it's hard for me to wrap my head around feeling like I'm not enough for someone that they could conceive of being with anyone else in any way, shape or form after being with, around and in love with me.

    When I did it to people, I didn't like the way it felt and I knew ultimately because I could do it that I didn't want to be with this person long range and justified in my head as I'm not going to be with them anyway, so, oh well.
     
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  29. Fanon

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    This would all depend on the individual. If it were me, after hearing that, I think the first thing I would feel is a sense of inadequacy. I would be asking what I wasn't doing to satisfy them that they feel the need to have sexual relations with someone else. I'd like to think that I'd remain cool, calm, and collected and try to understand where he was coming from (highly unlikely). As much as I hate seeing good things come to an end, I'd think I would break up with him...I think that would ultimately be the best thing for the both of us. He would get to find someone who's on the same page as he is, and I'd find someone interested in monogamy. I'd much rather deal with whatever feelings I had about our breakup knowing that he was at least man enough to tell me something that would ultimately be the best for me than him cheating on me...

    That's a damn good question, but I, unfortunately, don't have the answer.
     
  30. DFW Brutha

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    Sometimes one gives in to the temptation of test driving an SUV even after they've purchased/leased/financed a sedan.

    [​IMG]
     
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