How to be a better Top?

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by NickAuzenneNOLA, Mar 9, 2016.

  1. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    The single-most common article I see when perusing LGBT sites, although few cater to the BLACK perspective exclusively, are articles that claim to instruct bottoms on how they can be better partners in life and the bedroom.

    With headlines claiming that inside said article is all you need to know about being a bottom and you must read it in order to keep your man satisfied and various other heteronormative BS ideals we tend to internalize all too often as same gender loving folk yada yada yada.

    What I notice is that much like with women the onus is always put on the bottom to perform right or lose. Fuck when we want, cook when we want what we want, spend their money on us, be like a homie but also be our bitch, don't be too masculine but don't be too feminine either. With constraints like those no wonder bottoms are confused about our needs as tops and often internalize a lower self value because they feel they can never measure up, a fact I believe we enjoy the benefits of as tops.

    As long as we are in demand many of us feel that bottoms are replaceable even for the simplest of perceived flaws. Many often hop from one to another because the options are plenty and if you don't do exactly as we demand someone else will. It's a bit of a power trip in conjunction with something we all can be accused of at some point in our journeys, believing that the grass is greener on the other side.

    With all that being said I've decided I'll start putting together articles addressing my brothers in "toptivity" in hopes that we can point the lens inward and start to do our part, work out some of our insecurities, and be better life and bedroom partners to the men we cherish.

    I'd like this post to serve as a thread where tops and bottoms can post their ideals, how they view themselves at this moment and what they believe they can do to improve not only the kind of man they are but the kind of partner as well.

    Don't worry verse bros you aren't left out! In fact I believe you all have a unique perspective to add to this conversation because of your duality. Please feel free to share as well!
     
  2. OckyDub

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    What are your personal thoughts or tips on how to be a better top?
     
  3. cypher21

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    I want to say I think this is a good idea and I'm interested in seeing what everyone says! I agree with thoughts on how the Top/Bottom dynamic works.
     
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  4. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    Currently putting some things together on my end! I wanted to go ahead and put this out there to get some feedback and consider different perspectives while writing. I have several post in mind each tackling a different section.
     
  5. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I hope people feel comfortable being transparent with this.
     
  6. OckyDub

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    Well...I was asking for more selfish reasons. I think/feel this could be good addition to our main site.
     
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  7. RolandG

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    It's complicated
    Until the supply and demand is more balanced, Tops will always have the upper hand and tops will know that. It's with any other product out there. I hate to reduce humans to products but as long as 1 top has his choice of 60 bottoms, he's going to always sniff around. Especially the whorish ones. Also, i'm not sure about the premise about these topics. My mind jumped, immediately, to being a better top "in the bedroom'. You didn't say it but that's how many dudes are going to read this top. Are you suggested that there is a market of gay tops out there who are wanting to be trained on how to have more productive relationships with bottoms?
     
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  8. Dante

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    I'm a Verse-Top...lol (Top primarily, but unless you have boyfriend privilege, you can only eat this azz). However, I will be on the look for this information sir. It wouldn't hurt to get a tip or two and not have a dump "Top" mentality of just "putting it in".
     
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  9. jusrawb

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    This is a good idea for some interesting conversation
     
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  10. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    Lol, thanks for your honesty. Trust me I'm working on it. I want to put it out weekly but I want to make sure all I have to do is post and not rush to do it every week ending up being inconsistent.
     
  11. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    Sex is important of course and as I mentioned what I plan to do is tackle how I believe we can be better life and sexual partners with this series I'm putting together.

    Yes I am suggesting that. I'm a top and I've had to learn how to be more than just the dick in the relationship. We should be and most want to be I believe more than that to someone. Honestly we are spoiled and as a group tend to not have to do much because our other halves take on the work of the relationship.

    I think that takes away the agency of some dudes and babifies many so if one is that kind of dude this will call them out and to the bottoms that make allotments for this behavior to hold themselves to a higher standard.

    These are generalizations of course and not everyone holds to this but many do and I want to start talking about that.
     
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  12. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    Wow! Lmao, ok yeah man definitely have to get out of the mindset of just providing sick and being nothing else. That's a disservice all around.
     
  13. BlackguyExecutive

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    I think Tops can learn to be better tops but trying to bottom. You learn a whole lot of what not to do or what doesn't feel right when someone shoves their inadequately lubed penis in your nether region. Just my opinion. I consider myself Mostly Top but Sometimes Bottom.
     
  14. ControlledXaos

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    Question... Why does a sexual role end up determining who one is to the other person in a relationship in the first place? I think if you come into a relationship thinking you are just providing diçk or a$$ then that's all you will ever be to that person.

    Is the problem being gay men having difficulties navigating the relationship dynamic between masculine and feminine or the dichotomies of men who may lean more to the submissive/dominant side than the other, when they actually flip between those sides of their personalities?

    I'm just not understanding why a bottom should automatically be the one cooking the food be it because they are sexually submissive or more feminine leaning or that a top should be some personality or emotions free neanderthal who just penetrates and gobbles up the big peices of chicken.

    In my past relationships, I have always known that I needed to give who I was with their space when they needed to Man Out. And that same courtesy was given to me when I needed it. Man Out, space, on the rag etc... Whatever you want to call it...
    For me it was when I needed to be more dominant for whatever reason. This was my experience dating masculine guys. I knew when he needed to be The Man or have his man time.

    Unfortunately I can't give specific examples. For me it was more a feeling than anything. It wasn't related to the bedroom. I could be moody because someone pissed me off at work, lost on a video game, my cheesecake cracked in the oven.... I just knew when I needed that moment.

    This may not be the same thing that you are trying to talk about in this thread but to me, the OP sounds more like an issue of relationship dynamics than sexual roles.
     
  15. OckyDub

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    :foxxxy::umad:
     
  16. OckyDub

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    [​IMG]
     
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  17. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I don't think becoming a bottom when that isn't your natural inclination is the answer. I think sexual maturity and guidance is the answer here. Bottoms should learn to say they haven't been properly put in the mood or lubed etc, communication in and out of the bedroom is important. Tops should stop treating ass like pussy because it just isn't. Also treating sex like its a scene from some porn isn't healthy either. This boils down to not communicating a need and the other not caring enough to ask. When all these relationships are sex based its not surprising.
     
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  18. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I agree, no one should pigeonhole themselves to just their sexual role. It's unfortunate that that happens and being that many people jump in the bed with one another before knowing each other's middle names tends to allow sexual position to dictate most everything in the relationship.

    Shouldn't be that way and I think one of the great things about being with another guy is that it doesn't have to be the "normal" heteronormative approach but because we don't see healthy gay couples especially of color in our day to day lives I believe many just fall back on what they know.

    I'd say sexual roles and relationship dynamics are often hand and hand. One informs the other but I respect your point.
     
  19. SesaWoSuban

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    I'm don't know what to say. I'm a top. I was curious to see what persons who bottom had to say about their experiences with tops. I would love to read the feedback about what they feel they need more of in their relationship(s). How to be a better top? My only tid bit is to say that you have to take time to know who you are dealing with. In reference to sex, I'm open. If I don't like something, I'll communicate that. If I do, I will say that too. I believe that goes both ways. Open communication about how the sex is could make someone a better to and vice versa. Sounds typical but that's all I have, for now.
     
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  20. acessential

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    100% agree with this.
     
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  21. SesaWoSuban

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    That was well put! I had trouble wrapping my mind around being a better top because I don't view my relationship(s) on the basis of sexual position. I like the topic of the thread, I just don't perceive my relationships based on those guidelines. The original post would have been 1000 characters long if he had phrased the question in a way that addressed all of everyone's issues. I get that. All in all, I think your answer is closest to how I feel about the question.
     
    #21 SesaWoSuban, Mar 10, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2016
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  22. SB3

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    Not this 1992 Chicken!
     
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  23. SB3

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    Roles suck! Just allow urself to realize that there are many opps/ways to get ur nut. Dudes play too much.
     
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  24. Jaa

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    Top/bottom roles aside, does anyone think that most relationships--romantic, platonic or otherwise--naturally adopt a dominant/submissive or proactive/reactive dynamic to some degree? I'd say I'm a verse top that would consider receiving only in a meaningful verse relationship, but I don't think I have an expected "top" or "bottom" persona. I'm sort of a loner, but I've often been a quiet friend who goes along with the pack as long as I have some interest in their ideas. I'm often more of a listener than talker. Some would say I'm more of a follower than a leader, though I will counter or disconnect from those who try to run over me or whose behavior is too out of sync with mine.

    However, a few friends and FWBs have adopted my usual "I go with the flow and let others take the lead" stance and it's cool to be in the driver's seat for a change. I think I can adapt to being more proactive or reactive in relationships as long as we're respectful of one another. I wouldn't accept being passive to an extent where it feels like they're in control and would prefer someone who doesn't want me to fully control them, and though I think I'm cool with being verse I can't see myself exclusively bottoming for someone (I'd probably be a side and forgo anal altogether before that; physical intimacy is more important to me and doesn't require that activity), but if our interests and personalities are compatible I don't mind someone taking the reins, to some degree

    Do you think that guys that prefer topping often prefer that more active role and that guys that prefer bottoming often prefer a more passive/reactive one? I believe the somewhat passive FWBs I mentioned would both say they're versatile and open to whatever their partner desires, though I think they've only been on the receiving end and don't seem to feel any need to try topping. Though true in some (most?) cases, the top/bottom thing may not always be mimickry of heteronormativity. I've had straight friends who let their boy/girlfriends or more domineering friends always make decisions about where they'll go and what they'll do. Some of these relationships definitely seemed somewhat damaged and not totally respectful, like one half had low self-esteem or was desperate for companionship, but sometimes they seemed like they were content with just going along for the ride while others steer the ship, like their only requirement was the company of compatible others.
     
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  25. Discordant

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    I'm a firm believer that people read too much into sexual roles. The only time they should be relevant is when penetration is involved. That said, I like that you're addressing other tops and hope that you emphasize that how you like your erogenous zones stimulated should have no bearing on how you are in a relationship.
     
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  26. JodyBell87

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    I've got some tips.
    1.) Catering is two-way street. Give a massage, be romantic and attentive, flirt often, compliment often, and go on dates often (do not just stay in the house.)
    2.) You can cook too, we all have stomachs that need to be filled.
    3.) "Prep" takes tops two minutes. A quick bird bath and you're good. Please respect the time difference and do not expect us to"be ready at all times".
    4.) You should always go see the bottom unless they offer to come to you. Going back to point #3, prepping takes time. Requiring us to "clean", travel, take care of you, then go home while you just lay in bed all day and night is not really 50/50.
    5.) You're naturally attracted to butts, yes, but be respectful enough to stare when you're not around your partner/FWB/BF/etc.
    6.) YOU provide the materials (condoms, lube, etc.) Yes, bottoms should have them on hand just in case, but a top not having one makes them look irresponsible and slutty. It also makes a bottom feel like they are easy and possibly open to the idea of a raw interaction.
     
  27. LeMignon

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    I'm a Vers-Bottom. I'm very affectionate, so the typical "come thru, get it, and go" hook ups don't do much for me. I'm going to address this as if it's in the context of two people in a relationship... really more about love-making.

    Good Topping: (And do use protection*)
    1.
    Attending to the whole body - kissing all over, grabbing, nipping
    2. Teasing - creating sexual anticipation; tease the hole; after going at it for a bit, pull out and tease the hole. Make us want you.
    3. Holding and looking your partner in the eye - lovemaking > sex
    4. Whisper Sweet Nothings - "You make me feel so good." "I love when you do that with your tongue" "I just wanna stay like this forever"
    5. Communicating - "You like this position bae?" "Do you need more lube?"
    6. Lose Your Hard-on? - Tell us what we can do to help. How can we turn you on? Should we suck it? Should we kiss and nip all over your body? Hold you? Wait a bit? Bring out the porn? Just wait for another time?
    7. Remain calm if we have an accident down there - this is embarrassing but normal. Bear with us. This could be easily cleaned up or it could create a break from sex for a few minutes. Either way, the respectful thing to do is to wait or even offer to help us clean ourselves.
    8. Make sure both you and your partner orgasms. (didn't know if that other word was permitted)
    9. Clean up and cuddle. (I prefer this order but it can be swapped)
    10. Talk about how the sex was great, how you loved it, which part was your favorite, what could be done better, and ask him his favorite, and what could be done better.
    Bonus: Try to make getting out of your clothes a sexy ritual. Strip your lover and do it slowly. Build that anticipation with foreplay.
    *condoms come in several styles and flavors. The customizing or changing of the type of condom you use can make the sex better or add to it.

    Also notice how everything except #6 and #7 can be applied to bottoms.
     
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