What You Won't Do For Love?

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Sean, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. Sean

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    There are a lot of single, available, "good catch" men on the Ave, and I'm curious, "what you won't do for love?" Specifically, I'm curious to know, hypothetically, if you have been chatting and interacting with someone on the Ave for months or years, would you not only entertain a long distance kinship, but consider relocating altogether? Not move in with the person, but relocate, as a way to get to know them better because they have that much potential. This is considering you can take your career with you, of course. But even if you couldn't? What won't you do for love?
     
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  2. Winston Smith

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    First, thank god for that clip. From the title of your thread, I was afraid there was going to be a clip of that Meat Loaf song (lol). Thanks for going Quiet Storm route!

    I could see a relocation for a serious (as in exclusive or about to legally partner up/marry), but for just getting to know someone better, I would just rack up the frequent flyer miles. For me, I would use a worst case scenario, i.e., would I want to be in that new city even if the relationship went south? If so, then relocation is not a problem; otherwise, Hello Spirit Air!

    That's a really good, thoughful topic. I know Nick has mentioned he eschews LTRs, and if you're a person in a financial position where travel is tight, I understand. If you or the other person has the means to go to the other's place a few times or more a year, LTRs don't bother me, especially in the Internet age.

    Until I buy a home (which I plan to do once I live somewhere that's not an overpriced tax heavy hellhole like Chicago), I think of a city as my base not my place. I'm where I'm at now only because the professional opportunity for me to relocate was so good a few years ago, in light of the 2008 crisis. I'm the opposite of Nick in that regard. I actually prefer a LTR, as I know I have no intention of staying in this city and will have bags packed when an opening for advancement comes along...and for me, they're coming. Sorry, Sinatra, this ain't my kind of town....
     
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  3. NikR

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    I don't like negative questions. But I'll give this one a go.

    I wouldn't move in with anyone. I like my space. I only see one reason to move in with another dude- I'm married to the mofo and we obviously need to start consolidating our lives. We can like each other from a mile away if need be.

    I would be ok with a LTR. But because they are difficult...

    I would relocate, if it's serious. Thinking about this terrifies me since I have people where I am now, and starting over is daunting. But I put it into perspective - I've moved 3 times in the past 5.5 years. I would do the same for an important person. And if I was relocating...

    I would introduce him to my family, which would also mean coming out to my parents. And if that were happening...

    I would probably take the initiative and start thinking about what happens next. I would say- "i think we know each other pretty well, but this sounds like it's real. Let's give ourselves 12-15 months to really get to know each other. And if all is good, and the ledger of our good days far outweighs the bad, if I'm still not annoying, we should stop running and pretending and fronting and just buy some rings." And if that time frame came and went and us annoying the hell outta each other was still endearing...

    I would take the initiative and pop the question. I'm direct like that. And ideally, he'd say 'yes'. But...

    I wouldn't want a big wedding, cause I loathe big events. Or any wedding at all. Huge parties don't make sense to me. Mostly since i always end up being the one to clean up. And seriously, 40K on a party? WTF!!! Why not buy a house? I'd prefer to just go down to the courthouse, be done with it, drive bae home in the Porsche and deflower him on a bed. Or counter. Or floor. Anywhere really. Cuz WE MARRIED!?!

    I wouldn't let someone I love (or husband) talk me out of being ambitious, unless that ambition was poorly placed. If I decide one day to become a movie star or something ridiculous Iike that, water gun blast to the face is necessary. Getting a degree part time to advance and make our lives even better...naw, I'd never ask him to give that up.

    I wouldn't try to change too much for him, since it sounds like a recipe for disaster. I'd be open to learning and to exploring, and if things fit, great. But against my will? When I'm not being true to myself? Nawwwww. After all, don't you like some stuff about be right now?

    Hmmm, ok, so that escalated quickly. Prob tmi.

    Whatever, the answer's in there somewhere.
     
  4. Winston Smith

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    Yes Lawd, no wasted resources on weddings! Not to sound like one of thise TV activists on Bill Maher, but I think that whole wedding thing is "heteronormative." A gazillion dollars spent on flowers, decorations, all that crap. You're right, 40K should be invested in a secured asset or retirement fund. It wouldn't be too cute to be broke and end up with bae on the streets, living under an underpass, eating cat food from a tin, talking about "didn't we look turned up at our wedding, though?" (Lol)
     
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  5. DreG

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    That title is what pulled me into the thread
     
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  6. acessential

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    I'm just here for the song. lol. Reminds me of riding in the car with my dad as a kid.
     
  7. DreG

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    I'm with @NikR on needing my space.We might be at the other's house all the time,but I think we'd maintain seperate residences.

    Long Distance won't work for me.Not if we're going to be serious.At the most ,we can get together if I'm in town,but we're certainly not boyfriends. Sometimes I might not even feel very talkative,but I still might wanna sit on the couch together with you or something like that.

    PLEASE don't ask me to change myself or my appearance and things like that.It's okay to help me progress,but interfering with fundamental elements is a no go.
     
  8. Winston Smith

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    Were you watching the same Jerry Springer show I was today? Sadly, telecommuting done ruined my daytime intellect. When I saw this girl tell some guy on the show (that she only knew for two months), "but I'LL CHANGE for you..." I almost went Elvis on my TV.

    Seems like I'm the only one gunning for a LTR in these parts. Ain't nobody here seen Gladys Knight in "Pipe Dreams"? lol
     
  9. Nigerian Prince

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    No long distance for me but willing to be vulnerable in order to trust
     
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  10. DreG

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    Uh,no.I am classy.I only watch fine upstanding journalism like Maury Povich.He gets to the truth of every matter with the sexy decoy.
     
  11. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Ain't no way I'd be in a serious relationship with someone for more than a year or two and we not be living together. It just makes sense financially. That's money that will be saved for dates, trips, shopping for each other, etc.
     
  12. Sean

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    My question assumes that the individual in question meets all your requirements, so to speak, you have actually met and vibed with him, and you could actually see yourself with that person.

    As I've gotten older, I've had to reflect on how I approach some things, and potential relationships are one. For those of you who are opposed to LTR's, how long have you been single? Have you tried a LTR before? We all know nothing beats physical intimacy and just having a person there, but again, how long have you been single? lol. Sometimes having that emotional void filled can be good enough, especially when nothing's getting fulfilled.

    I used to work in an IMAX theater and there was a movie they showed called Speed. At the end of the film, the guy says this quote: "the only limits known to man, are the ones he places on himself." I can't help but to think of this quote whenever I read or hear about people complaining about not finding someone. Distance is a legitimate limitation, but again, what won't you do for love?
     
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  13. Jaa

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    Heh. I've never heard of Speed making an impression other than being fun and absurd, making people wonder if a bus can really jump a gap in a highway or never have to slow down in L.A. traffic, but sometimes unexpected things have surprising impacts or messages.

    On topic, if I became very close to someone online and there were a very high chance of one of us moving closer to the other in the very near future, I might consider a LDR. If the date when we might be closer is indefinite and unable to be determined, I'd be okay with becoming closer probably won't make anything official until we can realistically determine when or if one of us will make a move. In that case, I'd say I might be more likely to consider a non-exclusive LDR, but we could just remain close online friends with occasional benefits who might get together in the future pending circumstances, rather than trying to define one another as long-distance partners in an open relationship.

    I'm not sure I get much out of a long-distance partner reserving their body for me and only me other than less concern for STDs, assuming they're faithful. If we rarely see one another and one of us feels a need for physical intimacy, I'd like us to feel free to seek it in a safe manner rather than saving themselves and longing for the other's presence. It would probably make me feel good and important, in a way, but it might mostly serve my ego. I don't know if I'd feel a need for a relationship until I know we can regularly be present for one another.

    If we're beginning to fill emotional voids for one another online, we can continue to do that without being in an LDR. I guess there are people out there who reserve their deeper thoughts and emotions for relationship partners, but I'm fine with sharing those parts of myself with really close friends. We can continue to be long-distance confidantes, reserving the possibility of taking things further for a time when we can be closer together.
     
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  14. ColumbusGuy

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    I have been at the point where when my partner was dying of cancer, I would have taken the cancer from his body and put it into mine and I would have been the one who died. I would have thanked God for the chance to do it. I would literally have committed murder to keep him alive-but while I would have done anything, there was absolutely nothing I could do.
    Many years ago I watched a show about people with cancer and their loved ones flying to the Philippines to get 'healed' by a quack who used blood and chicken parts(the 'cancer') who would get the cancer out in this 'procedure' without breaking the skin.
    I thought, 'how could they do this, fall for this scam? It was so absurd to me. Now I understand the desperation that drove them to do it. You will literally do or try anything..ANYTHING to cling to hope. If it was us back then, we would have been on that plane to the Philippines too.

    This whole thing nearly killed me..I am not quite over it 15 years later. I learned that even the relationships that last end awfully-somebody dies, and somebody is left to miss that person. Maybe we were too close, and we got closer as he got sicker-I did not pull away like some people in that situation do(and I know why some pull away-it is self preservation).

    But the closeness and the good things and connections I had with him that I have never had with another human being made it worth it. It was worth it.

    Sorry this seems I am sure like such a downer, messy, ugly. But the last part is true-it was worth it. When I think about it now, it was worth it. Our relationship was at times messy, ugly, and a downer too-far from perfect. But I would not trade those unique intimacies we had for anything.
    Things were not planned they just happened. If it happens to you great but you don't have to be in a relationship or experience this to be 'fulfilled' I am just saying that for me, it was worth it.


    tl;dr...If it happens, love is worth it.

    *what helped make it so hard for me? I did not have faith or religion to fall back on for support like most people. I don't believe in an afterlife-unlike most people. This really was the end.
     
    #14 ColumbusGuy, Jun 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
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  15. Nigerian Prince

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    @ColumbusGuy thanks for sharing your story.

    I been single for 26 years (my whole life) but I'm content with being alone at this point. If anyone on the face of this earth knows about being alone (but not lonely) is me. I am good though. I know love will come after more dating and establishing myself post-graduation.

    Sidenote: when I was at Pre-Memorial Day ATL festivities & Miami Sizzle last weekend, that let me know how much I really got it going on lol. Never had dudes really try to get at me like that before. Everyone I know tells me that being 26 now won't be that much different from being 28 when I land my dream job after grad school. Love, Sex, Relationships, @$$ & D!CK ain't goin no where lol.
     
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  16. Winston Smith

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    I don't think religion is necessary. Not going on an Ock like diatribe against Jebus; I just think we have to come to the realization that we all are only sparks in eternity and we should treat ourselves and each other accordingly. Lack of religion actually makes me treat people better, because I know that this is all there is, I don't get a second chance. I always tell family members "I love you," even when I'm TOTALLY PISSED with them, so that if something happens to either me or them, it's the last thing that was ever said. When my father died, I got so sick of relatives telling me (his first born and namesake) how I should grieve, or react as they thought from their church perspective. Because I don't believe in an afterlife, I've usually played the doormat or the peacemaker in relationships because I know there aren't any more chances to get right with people we've messed over in some "after-life." So, there was no need for all stupid ass church lady wailing shyt at the funeral; everything I needed to say or do, I did in real life. I'm sure you did the same with your partner or you wouldn't have expressed wanting to take his pain for him. Religion does not guarantee empathy. Only actions and words express empathy.

    I'm also sure your partner wouldn't want you to be alone now just because he's not around. Finding someone else doesn't erase what was special between you and him. Getting with someone new would just be a different kind of special. Some people won't want to compete with your love for your partner. The way I see it, a new mature person in your life, should you meet that person, would be thankful and appreciative of your past relationship. What you had with him yesterday made you the person you are today, so he helped to shape and season you as the wonderful person a new beau would find.

    You don't need religion to be a loving, caring, empathetic human being, just treat others as if every day is your last day on Earth...'cause one of these days you'll be right!
     
  17. SwagJack

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    I'm guessing everybody here who is using "LTR" actually means "LDR?" I'm kinda on the fence with LDRs. I was in one for two years (my longest relationship with a dude) and it worked out until the last 3-4 months (he was pressuring me to relocate, but we weren't doing to well at the time so I was hesitant). We commuted (I did the most commuting, being that my schedule was more flexible) and we spent good quality time alone and with his fam.

    I think about stuff like the poll somebody posted in another thread about being over 30 and single. I think about cities where I'm more likely to find good dudes to match with (not just 420) versus somebody to settle for. I also think about how a lot of dudes like me that I would ideally match with are still closeted, religiously impaired, or are in this weird purgatory stage where they're not completely comfortable with their sexuality, all of which makes a viable relationship virtually impossible. Then I take a shot of Jameson.

    One of my closest friends keeps saying that my dude will be abroad and that I should stop focusing on "these damaged ass American niggas." Who the fuck knows. My sexual/ romantic experiences could fill a book. Folks call me a catch. Just ain't come across the right bait yet. Guess I just gotta wait.
     
  18. Sean P

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    If your close friend thinks that men of color (being inclusive here) are less f*cked up abroad than in the U.S., he needs to take another shot of Jameson. Stand your ground. There are definitely good Brothas (narrowing the field) around these parts. Unfortunately, the pool is rather shallow. Finding one of them is definitely a right place, right time, catch a falling star kind of situation… While I try to hold on to a tiny sliver of hope, it ain't easy. Yet, whatcha gonna do? I have lived abroad and traveled extensively. The struggle is real no matter where you live. Take a brief respite and recharge. Once you're again ready for the challenge, remain open to the possibilities (So says the hypocrite who is definitely from the land of f*ck this shit!). One day…a good Brotha may actually come your way.

    *steps down from his completely undeserved and antithetical (in real life) soap box*
     
    #18 Sean P, Jun 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016
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  19. Winston Smith

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    Co-sign. There's always that "grass is greener" mentality, but you're right, people are messed up no matter where you go. Besides this is a country of 300 Mil+ so you just got to look past your situation emotionally and be rational. When I get in the mind, I let the left brain take over ("Really. No one? Out of 300-freaking-million?"). I had that "ain't shyt" mentality for a LONG time, so I know it's not easy to shake off. What I had to learn was to enjoy the "chase" as much as the "catch"; or as a mentor of mine said, you can't expect to get to the prince without going a lot frogs (or being one of the frogs).

    Ribbit...ribbit...
     
  20. NikR

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    yeah, you right
     
  21. grownman

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    It doesn't get any better. This was awesome.
     
  22. Tyroc

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    It's been a decade long break but having recently gotten back full swing in the dating game I see essentially that there's still not much I wouldn't do for love but then there's not much I wouldn't do for like.
    I'm an all or nothing type dude, if I think there's a chance for happiness then I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to get to that happiness together.
    Long distance is not the ideal but if the dude seems worth it, I'm giving it a try (in fact I recently reconnected with someone and we are giving it an 800 mile try)
     
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