Inside the Mind of Octavius Williams: Part 2

From the Gay and Prudently Sober Committee, I can admit that I have done some dumb ish regarding sex with no chemical influences.

It's definitely hard to find friends tho and I have checked out every single man I have met. Lol But there's boundaries and people need to make them and respect other people's boundaries.

 

Yo. First off, I think it's great that ur doin this! Grown azz gay men bein open and honest, keeping it 100 is sorely lacking. I get it. It's very difficult to be/feel sooo marginalized all of ur life, and not develop a few chips and guards. It broke my heart hearing the level of guard you have up, specifically pertainimg to Nick. He's never made a secret of how hard it is to get you out of the house. It sounds like ur biggest issue is vulnerability. Ur a dope azz dude, no reason for you to be letting the past keep standing in your way man. Making new friends is def difficult in ur day to day, but the last vacay I went on was w @ControlledXaos @klothesminded @questforknowledge, and I met them all here on CA. That's why Im always trying to push you guys into being active participants. The group of active members you guys have built ARE NOT the killers,or bad guys. Camaraderie is not impossible. My closest friend is a str8 dude, and Im the 'best man' in his wedding. Str8s can actually be aight these days man. Ijs, I really appreciate you for doing posts like this. I know it's much easier said than done, but please dont feel like ur only opps to build genuine relationships w good gay guys ended at 30.

 

Wish there was a 'dap' button here. Get on it @Nick Delmacy

 

I liked Part 1 and Part 2. All my closest black, gay and masculine-leaning male friends all come from Cypher Avenue. I am glad we all have been able to be vulnerable with each other. We gotta support each other for real. At the end of the day we are getting judged everyday by those inside & outside our community. We are getting killed left and right in USA. I am NOT my brother's keeper. I am my BROTHER.

 

OCTAVIUS , THIS IS A REAL GOOD " GET-IT-OFF-MY-THOUGHTS-RANT/VENT " . I THINK MOST OF US OLDER BROTHERS HAVE HAD SOME OF THESE LIFE EXPERIENCES IN SOME WAY OR FORM. - THERE IS MORE I COULD SHARE IF WE WERE IN A LIVE GROUP SETTING BECAUSE YOUR VENT DESERVES A GOOD LONG ANSWER . - I THINK THIS IS A VERY GOOD TOPIC FOR A GROUP SETTING. - 2 POINTS IN YOUR PART 1 & PART 2 : 1] ONE OF THE REASONS WE FUCK FIRST AND THEN BECOME FRIENDS IS BECAUSE > WE WERE YOUNG, ARE SIGHT DRIVEN , CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN , MAN WHORES AT TIMES BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH TO CHOOSE FROM , NOT COMPLETELY THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW WHEN YOU WISH SOMEONE WOULD JUST CALL YOU TO DO LUNCH & JUST CHAT , AND THE STRAIGHT MEN JUST WANT A GOOD BLOW JOB AND MOVE ON UNTIL HE WANTS IT AGAIN. - 2] TO MAKE FRIENDS YOU HAVE TO BE ONE. SO IF GUYS CONTINUE TO START OUT NICE BUT WHAT THEY REALLY WANT IS SEX THEN TALK. THEN YOU DON'T PANICK. JUST SAY NO, AND IF HE LEAVES LET IT GO. DON'T LET IT RUIN YOUR PSYCHE. EVEN IF YOU BECOME 40 AND DON'T HAVE THE FRIENDS THAT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE. - TOO MUCH TRICKERY IS ALSO THE BLAME WHY WE DON'T BECOME GOOD FRIENDS AS WELL. - JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT - WISH YOU WELL

 

Your posts lately are like windows into my soul man. We don't talk about the stuff that we need to talk about. I know this had to way/lay heavy on your hard to put it out here like this. I can only speak for me but I think I've repressed so many parts of myself that I just don't think about that longing for companionship outside of my relationship or my families. Part of me feels like there's no one I can confide in & tell everything to without judgment or worrying that I'll hear it again. People always reveal themselves to you to not be genuine or trustworthy to some degree so as a protective device I too have kept people at arm's length & have cobbled a friend out of several people. I have ONE person in life I could just about tell anything to and he lives over 1200 miles away. We normally communicate in some form every day. I think I'm a natural loner but I have a desire to have that pack I could run with, have fun & just be me, completely, openly me with all the time. As awkward as I tend to be, I'm still an easy person to talk to. I think I keep a guard up to try to make sure that I'm not clock-able. That's something I care less about as I get older. Some perceive this as being an asshole or saying that I'm mean, but when they work with me or spend time around me, it never fails that they say things like "I was so afraid to interact with you" or "you scared me so much I never wanted to ask you for help" because I have a stern face & demeanor. I guess it's something akin to RBF. But once people know me, they gravitate towards me so I have to come up with ways to keep them from getting to close or prying because the next thing is they want to fuck me or fix me up with a girl they know. I'm cool with my male co-workers until they start acting juvenile and want to do that male thing where they talk about who they're fucking & who they can put me on & all that stuff so I just pull back. I wish we lived in a world where a man who doesn't fit the stereotypical gay mold (not that there's anything wrong with that) could just say "I'm gay" without it being like you're announcing that aliens just landed in the parking lot. Saying all that, my partner has it even worse than I do. He's never been able to make very strong connections & 2 of his best friends are a woman he fucked (who later married one of his high school best friends) and a girl he probably would have married. The others were a guy who had family issues and got moved around from home to home & it kind of took him down a path of drugs & chaos and a guy who is DL (in his mind) but everyone knows/knew. Other than acquaintances, that's it. He thinks we should be each other's best friends & that's it. I wish he had someone else who was as interested in the things that he is (tennis, investments, retirement, salt water aquariums, black progress, mentoring kid, politics). We went to DC black gay pride in May (mostly Omega events) and it was eye opening that in our culture there just aren't too many people looking for more than a good time, a party, sexy, orgies or something along that time. I enjoyed talking to the couple of lesbian couples that I befriended more than just about any of the guys. If you just start talking to most guys, the body language is just "what the fuck do you want" or "why are you talking to me". I know, I give that most of the time, but not in a setting like Pride. I think the next one I'll go to will probably be Nashville because they mix the interaction, sense of community, discussion & inclusion with the partying. I just want to network with some cool, got their stuff together or getting their stuff together, black (or not) gay dudes to chill with, take trips with, have fun with, be political an get civically involved/engaged with, party with & form some life long bonds with. Black gay men aren't going to be respected & dealt with decently unless we show that we have the power, unity & resources to demand it. The white LGBTQ community has a unity that I wish we had. But we are largely excluded from that movement because of the racism of some who still see an "otherness" despite the many ways we're alike. And even within our own niche group of black gay men, despite our differences ...we are more alike my friends than we are unalike. @Ockydub If you come up with some solutions, I'd love to hear them.

 

I'm sure alcohol plays a role in a lot of people's unadvised sexual decisions. I don't know how significantly it contributes to STI transmission. I'd think it has a slightly lesser in today's somewhat less bar-centered gay culture than in the past, though somebody hooking up on an app might drink something before or after meeting someone. Most people just seem to dislike condoms or lose their rational mind when horny. Some may drink prior due to unease with the activity they're considering, so deeper psychological issues may be more pressing than the drinking itself.

I think real, solid bands of brothers and sisters are rare and sometimes stay together not so much because they like one another but because it seems like their best option for companionship. Sometimes parts of a group kinda like one another, but would ditch them if they found a preferable alternative. Groups that appear happy and functional in pictures often seem to have fractures or inner circles or "that guy that no one likes much but is tolerable in small doses" but it's only revealed after getting the scoop from one of their members.

Plus, members of this community often have more psychological issues or traumas than the average person, which can make human connection more difficult. Numbers are limited and guys are sometimes hidden. A lot of guys have a hard time making strong friendships in the first place. Of course, it's even harder to find good prospects for dating and relationships so it's unsurprising that a dude might want to hookup or date an attractive, close platonic friend, especially since it's common and somewhat accepted that many in the community have experienced a "gay handshake" at some point during their friendships.

Maybe a band more easily forms between those with little or no chance of being attracted to one another. Or find a group that can set and maintain boundaries though, in a certain mood or state of mind or after someone positively transforms himself, friends might consider breaking those boundaries down or ask why they were built in the first place.

 

Applause3 by DreG posted Aug 22, 2015 at 2:26 AM

Praise by DreG posted Sep 10, 2015 at 3:26 AM

 

Once again a very good relatable podcast ock, good job!. Personally I don't mind the long videos. I think the gay handshake exist because it has something to do with how society molded us as men/boys. Even heterosexual relationships the male first thought may be sex while the female would like to get to know the person first (generally speaking). Unfortunately we see something physically attractive and the concept of building something is not the first thought. Once the physical is experienced and your forced to actually learn who the person is we decide the relationship or none at all. I often like to think that because of the conditions of the world we as gay people are late bloomers for our sexuality. We are not taught respect for others and self, right and wrongs. Often comes to a point where you experience and learn on your own then maturity sets in or for some never does. I agree making friends in the gay community is really difficult. Lets look at how do you make friends period. Most time you make friends through experiences together, you build a bond. Unless you join a gay organization, the only gay people you meet are through dating or going out, where most people are looking to date not make new friends. So where is the space that gay people can build that bond? I think this is due to the lack of visibility in the public spaces. At the same time for masc gays there isn't a real sign to know this. Although I do believe by getting to know people you can pick up on certain traits that you can assume they might be gay but there really isn't a for sure way. I have plenty of straight male friends/associates from my popularity growing up and sports. I have one I met in college that I'm most comfortable around and we are close but there is still that divide that he can't relate to. My gays friends I either met through my partner or we had the gay handshake. We try to do group things but its not a true brotherhood type thing, its more so a group of gay guys that know each other through someone get together and hang. Currently me and boyfriend are trying to find other like-minded couples to build that bond with. We love our single gay friends but their focus is different. We don't even know where to begin to find other couples and not on some group sex stuff either. We see all of these couples on social media but none in our area.