So...it got me thinking

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Lancer, Feb 24, 2018.

  1. Lancer

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    First off let me say I do not care who anyone chooses to date, you like what you like. I like and admire MKBHD and what he has accomplished as a Black guy in the SO white YouTube Tech space is just amazing. All my Tech subscriptions on YouTube are Black only. Zachary Anderson, MKBHD and Uravgconsumer few black brothers in the tech space, which is another story. However I want to talk about how black folks I personally admire, are with white folks. It got me kinda scared cos I thought to myself, if well-to-do bothers who got a lot going for them are with white folks, then what about me as non-hetero black guy with average looks and trying to make something of myself? Do I even stand a chance looking for or even finding love with a brother??? and then I saw Nick Delmacy's recent post about him not being wanted despite ALL he's got going on and then I knew I was fucked!!!
    [​IMG]
    I REALLY want to be in a loving relationship with a brother, I mean we are SOOO beautiful. However, a part of me keeps screaming that its never going to be and at this point that I am writing this, it makes me sad. I am not one to give up so easily, so I will keep holding on.
    (...but for how long?)
    [​IMG]
     
  2. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    LOL yeah the thread that @OckyDub made about Leslie Jones admitting she will die alone and without a husband summed it up for me.

    Leslie Jones - "I Will Die Alone"

    While he and the Squad responded to her IG posts with side-eyes and jokes, I did feel her pain a little bit.

    How can I continue saying that I'm more of a "Relationship Oriented" guy if I'm hardly ever in a relationship?

    Even now, at 40 years old, I've never been in a situationship that has lasted more than 6 months straight. Sure there are the ones that end are then are resurrected months or years later, but nothing like the typical straight relationships I see with my heterosexual friends and family where they are with someone for years, even decades.

    When I tell this to people they assume that I must have been a Quagmire type whore for the last 25 years, but its actually more complicated than that. True there were times when I wasn't interested in anything serious but I spent much of that time paranoid & closeted, then another chunk of that time focused on getting my day job to the point where it is now...then this very website was birthed like an accidental pregnancy, taking time away from my socializing. Not to mention the dudes who said they wanted to date but really just wanted peen.

    On top of that, I've never been the wolf-type dude who was constantly searching for sex & dating...The guy on every app, in every club, at every house party being overly flirtatious and overly interested....I always liked to meet ppl naturally and only continue talking if the compatibility was there. Maybe I need to rethink that.

    I may need to be more aggressive in my search for dates and be less...uh...strict...about compatibility. I mean, who cares if they're incompatible & boring if all you really want is a warm body to watch Netflix with and a person who will text you back quickly?

    [​IMG]
     
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  3. Lancer

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    [​IMG]
    When I tell folks I am relationship oriented, they ask 'Well how many relationships have you being in?'
    *Crickets*

    ''On top of that, I've never been the wolf-type dude who was constantly searching for sex & dating...The guy on every app, in every club, at every house party being overly flirtatious and overly interested....I always liked to meet ppl naturally and only continue talking if the compatibility was there. Maybe I need to rethink that.''
    ME TOO!!! Folks say this is the modern age of dating I have to adapt or be wiped out. I have tried, tried and keep trying the app's but it never leads to anything more than 2 weeks, which is even a stretch. It mostly leads to 'lets have sex', which I usually try to postpone which leads to many a'ghosting from them.
    ''I may need to be more aggressive in my search for dates and be less...uh...strict...about compatibility. I mean, who cares if they're incompatible & boring if all you really want is a warm body to watch Netflix with and a person who will text you back quickly?''
    I tried the incompatible & boring thing, it did not work for me. Yes, I got the text back quickly( sad that this is now considered a fucking quality in a dude), I got the bawdy to lay next to but when it came to conversations and intellect it was ZERO! I would talk for like 2 min about my thoughts on an issue or what I read and after all that, I will be given back a 'oh cool' or 'ok' and one that ALWAYS pissed me off was just a hum like 'Mhmm'. However he will msg me often and try to set up dates but they be soo boring. I thought maybe its me, maybe I have to rethink my expectations BUT no I can't. I have had wonderful chemistry and compatible friendships with straight guys, why in gawds name can't I find that with a non-hetero brother???
    The argument can be made that such chemistry exist with the str8 dudes cos I don't want to have sex with them, but I disagree cos me personally I lead with my head not my peen.
     
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  4. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Yeah likewise..."Dating" straight guys for the male companionship I'm missing from black gay men is the only alternative for me. The rare times I do find a gay dude who gives me the chill vibe that straight men give they either don't want me (friend zone) or they are the flakes juggling 10 other dudes.

    I hate when dudes whine about wanting to date or be in relationships as if its some prize that will make their lives complete, so don't get me wrong. This issue consumes my thoughts for no more than 30 minutes out of a given day. I'm not the stressed about it, tbh. I've come to accept that porn, booze and my television will always be there if the compatible dude who has mutual affection never turns up. And I like porn, booze and my television a whole lot so I'm good.

    Having said that though, I did make it a 2018 goal to change up the dating pattern I had been in previously. Can't do the same thing expecting different results. So far, the quantity of men showing interest has gone up, but not necessarily the quality.
     
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  5. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Side note: Happy for this dude and to be honest, I can't think of any Black woman he would be compatible with besides the Malia Obama.
     
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  6. Lancer

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    I kinda think I will end up with like a Black dude that grew up in Europe, like France or one of the Scandinavian countries. Someone like Luka Sabbat, they don't have so many hangups dating guys like me, in my experience.
     
  7. Nigerian Prince

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    I can agree on being more aggressive to seek out dates. Dudes in Houston have flaked but I can admit that I have flaked as well because of my job. The demands of working as an executive assistant are high and the hours are set for the most part but not set all the way.
     
  8. HauteChocolat

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    Interesting. So what type of guy are you that black guys like him who grew up in continental Europe wouldn't have hangups dating? And what's with local black guy's where you are that they might have hang ups about dating you?

    I'm just postulating here, perhaps the sort of relationships you aspire to are generally so much harder to establish these days with all the dynamics of present society, one perhaps has to kiss a lot more frogs to get to that compatible 'prince'. Whilst so many are striking the compatibility gold as it were, there are so much more out there missing out - both straight and gay.

    More and more people are either insular or easily distracted now - was at the dentist the other day and everyone in the lobby had their faces down (including me!) A couple of minutes in and I put the thing away, put my face up and squared my shoulders inviting people to notice and engage - if the compatible one walked in then, that ought to make things easier...he didn't though. Even on the tube in London where one wouldn't have cell coverage, people's faces are still stuck in their phones or otherwise engaged! I guess one has to be tenacious in the face of the challenge and as you say, not give up easily. Perhaps one also has to be a little creative and strategic in the circumstance - like @NickDelmacy said about his 2018 plan - there's been an uptick in quantity, quality might just be around the corner.

    I guess the crux of this potential tangent is tenacity.

    I'll let you know how this works for me.
     
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  9. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Went to the movies to see Annihilation with a group of (straight white) friends last night, after the flick we hung out in the lobby near the exit talking about the film. There was a handsome bearded flyy dressed Black dude nearby, just standing there. As my group discussed how much we all didn't like the film I noticed him inching closer and closer. By the time we left he was right behind our group. Eventually he and I were side-by-side and he started talking to me, smiled and said he actually liked the movie and that is deep. I noticed on his phone was the Uber app, so he had come to see this scifi movie solo. Bonus points, in my eyes. Had no idea if he was gay, but the fact that he chose to talk to me and seemed to be lingering behind to do so made me at least want to engage with him more.

    Once outside, I had to make a decision, keep talking to this handsome stranger (who clearly wanted to talk about the film we all just saw) or to merge back with the group I arrived with. I chose the group since everyone was saying their goodbyes.

    Once they dissipated out of view, I tried to linger a bit to continue my conversation with him but I saw that he had already started to walk off, presumably to meet up with his Uber driver. As much as I wanted to make it happen, chasing after him would be weird and doing too much.

    I say all that to agree with you, being visually open communicating with any and everyone in public (especially if they fine) should be something we all do more. You never know where you can meet someone.
     
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  10. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Yeah I will give ppl leeway if they have a demanding job, just as long as they try to make up for the flakiness in other ways. The flakes I'm talking about are the ones who barely work at all but still are oh so busy...THEY make plans, but don't even bother to say they can't make it...get a text hours later with some lame excuse....I just shrug it off and move on, no angry black woman rants coming from me, lol.
     
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  11. SB3

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    As far as the interracial thing goes, I think the bigger problem is that blk ppl are such an insular ppl raised by group think. When ppl deviate from what/how 'blk ppl do' many feel like they don't 'fit in' socially w their own race.

    As far as the rest...get in line and join the club. For real tho, I think the reality is that ppl get sooo used to things not working out that they begin to approach new potential situations by immediatey convincing themselves that these too, are prob gonna fail, and thus, aren't worth it. We swipe left as easily as blinking, with our mental checklists in hand.

    We're doomed to the dark, cold, lonely dungeon of singledom forever if we keep trying to find some unicorn who just magically rides into our lives. What is wrong w getting to know someone/people before deciding if we're 'a match'? Everyone can't be a love connection, and thats ok. Hell, Im not even optimistic in general, but even I know im not gonna find love binge watching ID channel murder marathons in my bedroom.
     
    #11 SB3, Feb 26, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2018
  12. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    I see what you're saying but I don't think this applies all of the time. Besides, our experiences and memories of those experiences is what makes us human. We learn from mistakes. We learn not to touch hot stoves by touching a hot stove and painfully learning the fuck from that shit. I've learned from bullshit dudes by dating them and using that experience to waste less time in the future. If a new potential situation is displaying all of the same cues from the previous failed situation, you should react accordingly.

    And in the meantime, dudes without all of the attributes we think we need to find someone stay in relationships non-stop.
     
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  13. SB3

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    Like when I tasted washing powder that 1 time because it smelled sooo good...

    But yea, seeing signs is 1 thing, but searching for reasons to dead something before it's even something is another ball game. We're all guilty of it. But we all need to be guilty of being conscious of it, and actively trying to go around those red flag potholes that we want to sink back into. Like, what's the joy in assuming that we avoided wasting our time by meeting this person for a drink or coffee, when all we ended up doing was beating our meat again w that time? I hate 'what ifs' and there's nothing like, at least, being able to say that I gave it a chance, so that I can say I KNOW it wasn't for me, and not just 'man....idk...I was just...and...____'.

    And we can use u as the example here. U just did a post abt how you have all of these attributes that make u quite an eligible bachelor. *Now, my real opinion is that you aren't honest abt what you really want. I think you want to go against the grain in typical nick fashion, for the sake of what ud consider not being like a 'typical gay', when it's rly that u might not be as secure as youd want to feel, especially if you were dating the kinds of guys that ur genuinely attracted to...but i digress and save that for later cus wtf do i know, and so we can get back to the point...

    Now could you honestly sit here and say that as someone who literally just posted a list of why we should want you on ur profile, that you're seriously entertaining most of the guys u go out with (that u report back to us on, at least)? That's a serious question, btw. I have a hard time believing so. There's nothing wrong w being narrow minded, but you have to pick the right lanes to narrow. I think you ideally want an anomaly like many guys, but you can't make cuts by measuring all potential suitors against his ideal ass.
     
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  14. Sean P

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    Speaking the TRUTH:
     
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  15. BlackguyExecutive

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    I think if we were all more willing to make the first move relationships would blossom so much faster. I am not talking solely about romantic ones. All kinds. I use to wonder, despite being told many many times that I have resting bitch face and that sometimes I seem unapproachable, why people gravitate towards me, and I realize that I am usually the one to make the first move. Because I grew up in the south, southern manners, ease a lot of tension. Simply greeting someone with a salutation immediately opens the door to conversation or to seek acquaintance. This process works well when you are in groups. I think the fear of rejection has only intensified in the digital era, where people don't even try anymore to step out of total and complete comfort.

    In my early gay days, I would always go to gay bars and clubs alone. I remember when I was 19 and in that between stage of accepting being gay and coming out, I would go to these clubs in the next city over because I was afraid of being discovered. Since no one knew I was gay, I went to these spots by myself. The first few times, I grabbed a drink and nursed it the entire night, Then one day, this handsome man with the most beautiful dark skin and white teeth I had ever seen came over to me and starting talking to me. He was so forward that it really threw me off balance. Eventually, we made acquaintances and he became my first gay friend. He was actually the first person I admitted to being gay too when he asked. I learned many things from that moment. Sometimes you have to be the one to say hello or even ask probing questions.

    I also believe that in the gay community in general and black non-heterosexual community in particular, we have problems breaking down barriers that we have used as a defense mechanism for generations being both non-heterosexual and persons of color. We have not truly had enough time of being totally and authentically free in mind and body that it stifles our expectations of reality. So many of us are still dealing with stigma, where we still have to be twice as good. That then pushes us down of path of seeking perfection. The perfect man, with the perfect job, with the perfect mannerism, with the perfect life experience, with the perfect economic and social stability etc. In all reality, that man does not exist, yet we insist it does. I blame some of it on our current media culture that feeds us images of the best and perfects all the time. I also blame black gay people for not supporting one another in meaningful ways that allow chosen families to form.
     
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  16. Nigerian Prince

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    Yeah big bro I feel you. A guy I met with at my alma mater, University of Houston, for a Black LGBTQ panel discussion was very cool. He wanted to meet up to see Black Panther then he says that he ended up being so tired and fell asleep beforehand. I am doing my best to not take things personally. I will just leave it to him to make it up to me if he wants to link again.
     
  17. Boaxy

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    I have to honest. Would you guys rather be honest, or would you want me to bullshit?

    I'm not attracted to most traditional black men, and it's not so much based on outside factors or stereotypes.

    I grew up in the hood with black people in a black eccentric environment. I wasn't raised by whites or anything.

    I just find white men, and non conventional looking black men attractive sorry.

    So I can't help what I'm attracted to.

    Are guys like Marques Brownlee good looking men, yes they are. But I dion't find them attractive.

    The fact I look very identical to Marques Brownlee is dismissive, I just don't find black men who look like him, at all attractive.

    So I don't at all have this mindset that the OP is having. Sorry.
     
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