Don't Be A Nickle Looking For A Dime

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Jai, May 26, 2018.

  1. Jai

    Jai Being strong minded.
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    Who came up with that saying? I was talking to an old friend of mine and I brought up this topic to see what he thinks about people that tell others they are out of their league.

    I had been wondering just what gives someone the right to say someone is "out of their league".

    I was browsing Pornhub (I mean this wouldn't be a proper topic of mine without some mention of sex, my alter ego e-thot will not be silenced..anywho)

    I saw a comment from a guy that stated that the guy in the video was ugly but gets fine me. He then goes on to say that he is a college grad, and sexy..etc.

    I find it interesting because he fonts off like he is a "better person" because he has those things and yet he still doesn't have a man.

    Has anyone ever told you that you were out of their league, or treated you like they were "better" than you are and you don't deserve them? Have you told someone that?
     
  2. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Damn, coincidently I just logged onto the site to drop a profile post about this very topic as I consider going out to Black gay parties during the Holiday Weekend. I was just thinking this morning if I my chronic dating struggles were due to me going for dudes out of my league.

    Admittedly I only go after (or entertain) men that I find attractive, but that's not always the IG model types. Most of the dudes I find attractive are height/weight proportionate (ie: not thick but also not muscular) and pretty "regular looking." And on top of that (sad to admit) many of the guys I approach usually turn out to be unemployed or "in-between jobs." And I still try to holla at them.

    Nonetheless, I wonder if the reason nothing comes out of these endeavors is me, not them. Maybe there's something about me that is not attractive or "relationship material" to even average-looking, unemployed gay men. Not to come across as needing pity, I sleep very well at night. But it has been something that has crossed my mind.

    Might be an age thing (41 is very different than 31 when it comes to dating)...or even a physical thing (I could def use a good 6 months non-stop in the gym)...or a maybe a personality thing (I'm not a clubber or a thug nikka with tatts and a huge IG following).

    It could be that the "regular guys" I've approached are all looking for the types of dudes that every one else seems to want: The handsome, muscular, well paid men or the urban thuggish tatted IG thirst traps. Are those the types considered "dimes" and "out of your league" for average gay men?
     
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  3. Artistic Arsonist

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    What a coincidence as I was thinking about this last night while reading dating profiles. So many of them come off as haughty and disdainful (among others that come read as aloof, jaded, or bitter).

    I've never had anyone say that I'm out of their league or imply that they're better than me, but I wouldn't consider that person to be a dime with that attitude. There are ways to reject someone without implying you're too good for them.

    And I'm just gonna throw this opinion out there. Being a college grad isn't *that* impressive. It's an accomplishment as the courses are challenging, but I imagine people mainly struggle with the cost, not the learning.
     
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  4. Jai

    Jai Being strong minded.
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    I think in gay fairytale land, the muscular, macho Man is in high demand. For white guys, they want those white jocks & black men seem to like the thugs (throw in Light-skinned, big ole pipe and tall for bonus points) though there tends to be an overlap with white men.

    I usually don't care if a guy is unemployed, just as long as he isn't a drug abuser or mighty Morphin Power thot, murderer, or con artist. Now, I do like handsome men, a nice chest and all that but not the IG type niggas.

    I would never have imagined that 31 & 41 be that different. I was thinking like 21 & 41 might be an edgier option. My friend, who is a few years from 40, I notice that when he dates guys, I always find out they aren't over 22 (all the relationships turn sour). He's a single, average looking male. No gym body or anything like that. I've heard him mention before about meeting someone on his level. He has his fair share of degrees and is content with his earnings but has yet to find "the one".

    It puzzles me greatly that I want to study this pattern more and what is really going on subconsciously. Like what do people really want? I'm scraching my head on this one at the moment.
     
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  5. SB3

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    Listen. It may not be a popular opinion. It may not sound/read as 'nice'. However...I think there is absolutely some validity behind the general sense of 'staying in your lane'.

    Now, while I won't paint that with 1 brush, I do think ppl are waay too comfortable coloring outside of the lines and not taking authentic, black and white inventories of themselves. We live in a world where easy opportunity bullying and disrespect has caused and allowed ppl to redefine any and everything under the sun, and use false veils in place of thick skin. If you are an average at best looking store mgr, you just have to know the the odds of bagging 'him' or any of his IG model ilk are not in your favor, no matter how much you stalk his page. And this works in many ways. His very good looking store co-mgr might have just been turned down by a Dr who doesn't date anyone outside of his tax bracket, and his ok-looking lawyer friend might not be able to get beyond being used as an ATM by all of the IG models he chases.

    We ALL know the 'you never know' and 'opposites attract' and '______'. And there are definitely levels to this. However, you can't be out here being a nickel talkin about 'no fives, tens only' on your profile. I mean, you can...because it's 2018, and anything goes in this lgbtqiaftpruds world. But you can't be surprised when no one else signs up.
     
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  6. mojoreece

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    To be honest this is one of the biggest reasons why have not dated. I just feel the type of ppl I find attractive would not be in my "league". Not on no low self esteem stuff; but more so if I want certain things in a partner, It would be only fair to bring the same to the table.
     
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  7. Winston Smith

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    As usual, my brother comes with the straight and useful dope, which is why I dig his posts.

    I would just say the problem isn't "stay in your lane" as much as why are people constructing lanes to begin with; that is, we often create these unattainable ideal types? Types we ourselves can't or won't become, then set ourselves for failure. I don't see it as lanes so much as fields. Wide open, multiple choices, but watch out for the obviously dangerous animals. Ironically, stay in your lane is a term from swimming pools. Dating should be more like the ocean, wider, diverse.
     
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  8. Winston Smith

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    Oh lord, Nick, once again you want someone to cosign your "it must be me" pity because there cant POSSIBLY be anyone out there for an intelligent, entrepreneurial, educated dude like yourself?

    Mr DJ, I dedicate my favorite self pity tune to the Architect


    Seriously , maybe expand your venues past the "typical" spots. Maybe he's out there in social groups, meetings, places, organizations involving your "non gay" interests? And 41 is only old if you subscribe to stereotypes. There are in shape60 yo olds out here getting it in with guys your age and younger...Friends with AARP Benefits rotflmao
     
  9. SB3

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    Thats the thing tho...you don't have to not date! Thats not the goal!
     
  10. SB3

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    I agree. All im saying is that ppl have their own standards. Some of them are generally justified to the majority of us, and some are quite lofty and side-eye worthy. At the end of the day, if YOU want to date 'up' (whatever that means) and aren't open to dating 'down' (see above), then why would/should the next man?
     
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  11. SB3

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    Im gonna warn you to stay away from calling any spades on nicks dating life... Dont make eye contact.. Just look down...
     
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  12. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    I disagree with a lot of what has been said by @SB3 and @Rico....maybe their dating lives have been all roses but in the real world of Atlanta, shit is not so cut & dry.

    "Stay in you lane" doesn't apply in a city where men are not what they appear on the surface. Many guys in Atlanta live a facade. So even if you see them in a party, club or bar and they "appear" as if they are "out of your league" financially, intellectually and materialistically...digging even just slightly under the surface you find out they are unemployed, broke, no car, multiple roommates, no career goals, looking for sponsors, etc. Many times the only thing they have to offer to a relationship is their gym membership and a nice body.

    The best these nikkas can do for a date is watching movies on their laptop using a shared Netflix account. Yet in the bar they act aloof, like they are too good for anyone. These nikkas be one check from being homeless yet have the nerve to think they are "out of the league" of average dudes with their own crib, car and savings in the bank.

    At a party tonight, three dudes told me I was "a good catch" yet the majority of the men at the event were not even interested in my Black ass. One dude gave me his number yet never responded to my text, might have been a fake number, who knows.

    In my experience, ATL men seem to only want "The Next Best Thing." The hot dude that everyone else is lusting after even if a not-so-hot quality dude is showing aggressive interest.

    When masc dudes see me, they think I'm more "urban" than I am...once I start talking and being articulate, their interest drops. Fem men, on the other hand, they show mad love...Unfortunately, they are usually not my type.
     
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  13. mojoreece

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    :khart1:Damn Unc u just went in. "The doors of the church or now open l Is there one haah lol
    But this is what im talking about and really validates my point.
    I don't not want to be on of those dudes nick is talking about haah lol.:hubie:100dap

    The truth of the mater people want someone that brings the same qualities to the table as them; if not more. The is finding a person how adds value to you and your life.
     
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  14. Jai

    Jai Being strong minded.
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    I really like reading these posts and opinions and everything. It's always nice to get information from men from around the U.S.

    One day in the future their should be a Cypher brunch or something (I'm really just hungry) and talking about different things.

    I hear so much about ATL..I've been to ATL like twice...Once on a family trip when I was kid (I tried to actually leave my parents) and I went with my best friend when he played Streetball for And1....(I can't play I just was the camera guy.) Lmao.

    Honestly, I still have Florida in my future plans. I'd like to go somewhere and just relax and have lots of sex but I mean in a good way, not aimlessly. Ha, like if I had the ability to get my brand established and profit I'd spend the rest of my days being creative, relaxing and ***********. Maybe someday in the future.

    Like hell, y'all....I think Dominican men be fine af but I don't like all them muscle ones...just the toned ones...but I hear they can be something else up there in New York. Drama queens.

    I hear things about ATL but who knows what goes on.
     
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  15. Winston Smith

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    @Nick Delmacy Yeah, I don’t know jack about modern ATL since i haven’t been there since (cough cough). I can’t speak for @SB3, but I know my social life is way tamer than yours, as middling as you may think your own is. Johnathan Capehart probably has a more sordid sex life than I do (I know that name sets off images in your head lol). I’ve also been away from CA for a minute so I honestly thought you were still in LA. You’re right to be mad at dudes for perpetrating at bats, gyms, etc. but they perpetrate because, unlike you, they have nothing going on. They’re trying to get out of THEIR own lanes. But that’s my point. If you’re a gazelle maybe you need to be at a watering hole that has other gazelles, not ones favored by hyenas (“I thought that canine mammal would be ok cause he cleaned up well”). And yes, you might have to travel to find them. All that to say, for a bro with your bona fides maybe a change in approach is needed to yield better results. I just figure if a really pedestrian dude like me can net (middling but) favorable results, somethings gotta give for Mr Delmacy.

    P.S. Capehart ain’t my news boo anymore. Once I found out he worked for Bloomberg during NYC stop and frisk era of infringing black male rights, I’m back to crazy assed Don Lemon. Having a lane issue with black gay news anchors lol...

    @SB3 : I only make eye contact with Nick’s situation once a year. Sort of like how Trump got lucky looking at the solar eclipse with no protection...

    :heh:
    rotflmao (but agreeing)

    Boy, I’m a leave you with Marvin Gaye’s posthumous single, the original title of which was “Sanctified Pussy” but his vocals were deliberately changed by the scared record company after he was killed (just sub “guys” for “girl”, and “penis” for “lady” lol)
     
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  16. SB3

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    I used to go to these house parties thrown by the NYC set of blk/latino 'hot boys'. While it wasn't like they were judging at the door, it was clear that you pretty much had to be in the know, and that the average Joe's invite might have gotten lost in the mail. While many of the guys were very successful in their own rights, there were a bunch of IG types who didn't have 2 nickels to rub together. However, that doesn't take anything away from the fact that these dudes still got to define their own dating lanes w their own terms.

    Even if someone is vapid and shallow to everyone else in the room, there's still a lane where ppl w his same checklist operate. Beautiful women have been bagging succesful men who otherwise wouldn't get a second look since forever, and so do gay men.

    And again, don't think this only applies to looks. There are many men in certain career fields who pass over quality men based on their job titles. Again, this is their right. But they can't be any more upset at their dating frustrations than I can be at them for not being interested in me because I have zero interest in climbing the corporate ladder.

    Im not saying ppl can't hit it off, ijs that ppl need to be honestly self aware. We can sit here and call it shallow for ppl to use looks and/or money as attributes brought to the table all we want, but it is what it is. Welcome to real life.
     
  17. SB3

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    Come on now. You're painting with a really wide brush man. Fakes and frauds arent going anywhere anytime soon, and they're only a part of the equation. But, they're still a part of it.

    Ive never lived or dated in ATL, I have done both in this lil place called NYC. You make it seem like every dude in ATL aint shit, and I know better.

    In all honesty, if you're keeping it at least 65% transparent w us when u talk abt ur dating life, then you might have to step back and work on that inventory. Not that Im anyone to listen to, but Ive been around here long enough to know that I've certainly known Nick to be a 'red flag hunter' and 'hard stopper' and 'hard no' rule creator. I also know we only get a portion of the story, and that ppl evolve...

    If all else fails, you and everyone else in ATL can just share @ControlledXaos since yall act like he all that anyways...
     
    #17 SB3, May 27, 2018
    Last edited: May 27, 2018
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  18. Jai

    Jai Being strong minded.
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    Makes sense probably...I mean I'm an author...I do t think a doctor will be trying to operate between my legs anytime soon.... :|
     
  19. SB3

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    Don't be so sure. One of my good friends is a Dr, and while he has his own tunnel vision issues, he's not pressed abt what another dude does for a living. As long as he can pay his own way that is, cus my friend is tighter than virgin cakes when it comes to a dollar...

    ben.jpg
     
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  20. Nick Delmacy

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    Apologies for my last post...I was inebriated when I replied.

    But what I said still applies. I think its easy to say "stay in your lane" if the lanes are clear to see. This is not always the case, especially when meeting/seeing guys in public.
     
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  21. SB3

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    See...

    But whatever. We like drunk/off the clock/tell em how u rly feel @Nick Delmacy . Well, at least I do. And my opinion is the only one that matters here.
     
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  22. takeyourmeds91

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    Yes, gawd. As long as you can pay your own way. The reality is that doctors know they'd be hardpressed to find someone with the same earning potential. Just give me a dude that's financially comfortable within the city's cost of living.
     
    #22 takeyourmeds91, May 27, 2018
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  23. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    While I agree, both are still bringing something to the table the other wants.

    Her: a beautiful gold diggin trophy on his arm that he can show off.
    Him: money and security to offer the gold digger.
     
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  24. SB3

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    Exactly! From Drs to rappers, everyone wins!

    And while I have you on the line, correct me if Im wrong, but something tells me you were probably pretty selective yourself while you were thottin and boppin around ATL as Castro's stunt double, and that ur old man isnt exactly struggling in the looks dept. Ijs
     
    #24 SB3, May 27, 2018
    Last edited: May 27, 2018
  25. mojoreece

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    No need to Apologize cause a drunk man never lies! :umad:All u said was pure truth.
     
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  26. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Weren't there some guys on this site that used to say there is no such things as "leagues?" Maybe it was @OckyDub in this podcast:

     
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  27. machoBLKnerd

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    this sounds like a good podcast conversation. i'd understand better hearing people speak their perspectives. right now these lanes and leagues seem very abstract, yet overly deterministic of one's dating options.
    • do individuals determine their own lane, do other people determine them for us, or a combination of both?
    • can lanes or your position shift according to the crowd?
    • sounds like there are different kinds of social capital that help determine your league: education, occupation, beauty, youth, masculinity, penis size, body conditioning, height. i imagine there are lots of exceptions and caveats to these leagues, like having youth, beauty, and a great body but no education can still put you in the same lane as someone attractive with significantly more education and occupational capital, no?
    a lot of this reflects a culture of consumption and disposal that seems to permeate (black) gay spaces: snap judgements made about others based on things that have little to do with quality of person/character. it's hard not to participate in that culture even if you despise it.
     
    #27 machoBLKnerd, May 27, 2018
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  28. SB3

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    Lmao! Petty Pendergrass ladies and gentlemen.
     
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  29. SB3

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    So umm...
     
  30. SB3

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  31. Nick Delmacy

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    • do individuals determine their own lane, do other people determine them for us, or a combination of both?
    I think its a combination of both. Personally, I don't think I'm better than anyone. For me it comes down to attraction and personality compatibility.
    • can lanes shift according to the crowd?
    I think it can if you are at certain events/venues where the majority of the crowd is a certain thing (ie: models, wealth, athletes, etc)
    • sounds like there's different kinds of social capital that help determine your league: education, occupation, beauty, youth, masculinity, penis size, body conditioning, height. i imagine there are lots of exceptions and caveats to these leagues, like having youth, beauty, and a great body but no education can still put you in the same lane as someone attractive with significantly more education and occupational capital, no?
    Yeah this is all subjective. I've admitted on the site before that I have tons of "relationship worthy" qualities yet at times I have still felt inferior to men who only have a nice body, tatts and a whole lot of struggle. Self esteem plays a part in this, also the "gay lifestyle" does too. Just last night at a party I watched a 25 year old dude (who is new to the lifestyle) get "publicly shaded" by an older gay dude, for no reason at all. You could visibly see the devastated look on his face. Minutes later he just left the party altogether.
     
    MegamanX, mojoreece, Juan-Carlos and 3 others dapped this.
  32. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
    Site Founder The 10000 Daps Club

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    I'm a masculine gay unicorn; haven't you been listening to the podcast over the years and have seen (and commented on) my post concerning male appearances????

    Masculinity is about 65-75% for me, while looks are 25-35%

    Masculinity for me is more attractive than looks.
     
    mojoreece, Juan-Carlos and SB3 dapped this.
  33. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    True...but...

    Ok. We'll just leave it at that. Cus I can't say you aren't consistent...
     
    OckyDub dapped this.
  34. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    Wait...am I deviating from my past podcast comment/s?
     
  35. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
    Site Founder The 10000 Daps Club

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    LOL the topic starts at the 26:00 mark in that old podcast...
     
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