34, Single, Miserable?

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by over-it, Apr 5, 2016.

?
  1. YES

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  2. NO

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  3. Don't Ask Me No $#!t Like That Man!

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  4. I Wish I Was!

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  1. over-it

    over-it Only the REAL

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    So, I KNOW I haven't been in the boards in a LONG time, but I've been doing me! OK?!? LOL!
    I have a serious question/issue.
    I'm 34, black, 6'3", 185, light brown skinned, attractive, well groomed, clean cut, educated, employed, independent, kind, spiritual, etc...
    The reason I started off with that description is to help in providing context and a basic framework. So, I've been single for some time now (more than 10 years). I've dated here and there, but the results were not great. I'm all about quality over quantity. I very well could date everyday, but I'm not interested in meeting every gay/bi man in my city.
    Is allowing yourself to be open to many possibilities the very point of dating?
    Is dating as many potential suitors as possible the point?

    If so, I find that problematic. I'm a shy person and I tend to not like gay social settings. I really enjoy my job and other hobbies. The problem is, HOW do you truly meet someone worth talking to (without a locator app) in a social setting that's not SGL-centered so to speak? (i.e. clothing store, gym, grocery store, church, concert, sporting event, etc...) I know that I've answered this question on other posts, but I feel like I've put my foot in my mouth.
    It's hard out here for a "me"! (LOL) I'm not a pimp. Far from it. I'd love to be with one person, but I'm not connecting with the right kind of guys.
    My friends have told me that I tend to be unapproachable, but that's just a part of my personality. I don't want any and everybody coming up to me! LOL!
    I'm in a quandary! HELP!
    Any success stories out there?
    Theory is great, but factual/proven experience is the BEST! Thanks in advance bros!
     
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  2. Tyroc

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    What are your hobbies and interests?
    That's always the best start to meeting someone more suitable to your tastes.
    If I were looking to meet someone not through electronics, I'd take up a class in something that would hold my interest and be more likely to attract a less stereotypical dude like boxing or a martial arts class and wear a t-shirt that would be an interesting conversation opener like my Superman one or one of my custom jerseys.
    The natural question I get from the jersey is who's number is 68? or I don't recognize that name, who's that player?
    Outside of work and in the street I have a very unapproachable demeanor but something little and subtle like the shirt does spark interest in the bold.
    Do you and your friends do any physical activities together, like laser tag, bike riding, bowling or ball?
    Those setting are also good for meeting regular dudes.
    Not all are 100% but it could be a start and worth a try.
    Hope it works out for you.
     
  3. over-it

    over-it Only the REAL

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    Great advice bro! My main hobby is music. Creating, listening, and anything pretty much involving music. My friends and I do physical activities like horseback riding, bowling, volleyball, baseball, basketball, and flag football. Honestly, we don't do that stuff enough for any bites to really stick. Now that the weather is heating up though, I'm gonna encourage the squad to do more of that. I love the idea of taking some sort of class. Never thought of that. Basically I need to mix it up and get out there more. I hear you! Thanks for the great advice!
     
  4. Tyroc

    Tyroc Deactivated Account

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    Those definitely sound like good hobbies for meeting dudes.
    Hope to hear the results, positive or negative.
    I'm sure it'll make for interesting stories.
     
  5. over-it

    over-it Only the REAL

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    Fa sho! :salute:
     
  6. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    If I remember correctly @over-it you have said a few times in comments and on The Boards that you are VERY picky. Could that be a big part of the "problem?" Could it be that you've actually met quality men but don't feel they are "on your level?"
     
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  7. Jai

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    Don't Ask Me No $#!t Like That Man!
     
  8. NikR

    Bae Material The 1000 Daps Club

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    This is fascinating. I, for the life of me, cannot understand how there are so many close-to and over 30 yr-old dudes here who live in Atlanta (!!!!) are having problems finding "quality dudes". It truly baffles me.

    I've barely dated since I'm a busy person. The guys that stepped to me most recently were at one of the hospitals where I work. And now I'll never, ever $hit where I eat again!

    Do you really think you're that shy? Because it sounds like you're an introvert who can at least masquerade as an extrovert. Use it. Now I'm unlikely to allow someone to approach me while I'm picking out groceries. Sometimes my patients are shopping too. Ugggh, it's hella awkward. But I'm game everywhere else. So, you're into music. Well, that young-looking dude playing trumpet at church? He's actually doing a very decent job up there-woahhhh that note was high! And he isn't that unfortunate looking. Is he single? Obviously. Into girls? HA! So come up and say hi, ask me how long I've been playing for, the make of my trumpet. I'll answer and the conversation will be great! I sit in the middle section, but need to be close to the front to actually play. There's plenty of time to talk to me- I need to stick around for a few minutes after church to clean up, put away my stand, talk about the practice and performance schedule with the team. And that's just me. If you're at church and there's a 1)black dude 2)ON THE PRAISE TEAM (really it doesn't matter if singing/pianist/other instrumentalist) 3)who is probably single, it's kind of a dead ringer. And that's outside of age/occupation (I won't volunteer age/occupation unless asked). The difference in relative percentage of gay dudes on stage vs in the congregation is HUGE. 5 dudes on stage? At least 1 is gay- so that's a 20% chance! It's like shooting fish in a frigging barrel. I'd like to think that I'm a quality dude. So, approach a black musician today! You'll bag one soon enough.

    No success story from me today- give me a few months, I think I'm seeing movement.

    Now, a few questions. Haven't your friends at least tried to set you up with someone? What are the expectations in one's 30s in terms of dating? How picky are you? Any hang-ups on type of work, height, attractiveness etc? I understand hang-ups on values, so I'm ok with that. But I've never believed in "the one"; I only believe in good/bad/terrible matches.
     
  9. ColumbusGuy

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    Use the friends, use the classes and activities-all good advice, but picky(if true), shy, and unapproachable is not exactly ideal for meeting people lol. I always hated when people would say I seem 'aloof'. Always got 'aloof'. Even when I was desperately wanting someone to talk to me, later people would say, 'but you looked so aloof-no wonder nobody talked to you!'

    I am done with dating/relationships so I can look 'aloof' all I want and it does not matter now. Plus I am/was probably a 'not worth talking to' person to begin with so I got lucky finding someone who could tolerate me to begin with.
     
  10. Kouncelor

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    @over-it , you say you do not like gay social settings....then how about looking into gay clubs/organizations that support your hobbies...whether it be a gay baseball team or a gay professionals club. This would give you the opportunity to network in a relaxed setting.
     
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  11. SB3

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    Leave Atl n come to NYC! I love a long, lanky guy. For real tho, it speaks volumes that sooo many men in gaytl have the same story. Im on the outside looking in, but it really baffles me that dating isn't much easier there.
     
  12. Tyroc

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    @SB3 Forensic filing criminal profiler looking for a partner in crime to his Hardy Boyz in the Brooklyn Hood.
     
  13. SB3

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    Im the best criminal a mofo can get his hands on!
     
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  14. Tyroc

    Tyroc Deactivated Account

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    I've only heard good things, so I believe it.
     
  15. SB3

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    Oh shyt! Ppl sayin good things about me?
     
  16. over-it

    over-it Only the REAL

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    Hmmmm, you have a point Nick D. My picky argument could very well be a defense mechanism, or a way to not want to engage. Honestly, I do have high standards, but I've lowered them somewhat because I've realized that I'm making an already small dating pool even more diminutive. I'm not perfect and I shouldn't expect anyone to be. I do want to have some sort of standard though. Thanks for the feedback bro!
     
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  17. Tyroc

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    Your good guy secret is safe.
     
  18. NikR

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    I don't wanna pry and I don't think I'm necessarily great for relationship advice...but you should definitely sit and make a list of negotiable vs non-negotiable traits. Put them all on a list. And figure out which are reasonable based on your experience so far. Also, do you satisfy those non-negotiables? Could be an interesting thought experiment.
     
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  19. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    This just seems like a self-imposed problem. As much as I may complain about dating on this site, its never really hard to find the dates. Especially here in Atlanta. This is not me bragging, its just the facts. So I kinda agree with @NikR.

    By your own admission you're shy and maybe even appear a little stuck-up to other people (your friends calling you unapproachable). The whole "high standards" thing is also a clue. Also not wanting to meet men on apps or even gay social settings.

    I'm not the most confident gay/bisexual man on this site when it comes to dating, but even then the successes I've had have been from me either approaching guys in public (both gay and non-gay settings) and/or putting myself in places where these men may be able to approach me.

    An analogy I often use is: If you want to sell your car, you can't expect to get many quality buyers if you keep the car locked up in the garage and don't even put out an ad letting potential buyers know that it's for sale.
     
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  20. cypher21

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    Over-it (interesting name btw) I have had the exact same problem although I'm abit younger than you..everything you originally said sounds like what I've been going through and thinking as I try to navigate these gay rocky waters, so thank you for posting this I'm glad to know I'm not completely alone in my way of thinking these.

    Living in Atlanta the so called "Gay Mecca" I realize there is no shortage of guys but like you I'm trying to find someone of quality, someone I can have a relationship with and not flee at the thought of it...don't think that's asking for a lot. The issue is finding people you get along well with and finding that in a city and "culture" that generally runs so contrary to who you are as a person you feel frustrated.

    On top of what the much more experienced gentleman have stated I would say this: I don't think there is any one solution for this problem. Been observing things, trying to branch out meet new people and go places and I honestly think it's just a matter of chance unfortunately...finding someone you really connect with. You might increase your chances by doing some of the things the others mentioned but at the end of the day doing things that worked for other people might not work for you I've noticed.
     
    #20 cypher21, Apr 7, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2016
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  21. over-it

    over-it Only the REAL

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    Great feedback! I'll keep an optimistic attitude and continue to hope for an encounter with the best man for me.
     
  22. over-it

    over-it Only the REAL

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    I hear you and I agree somewhat. I am shy and a lot of my issue is self imposed, but being guarded is my security blanket. In an effort to change, I will definitely work on putting myself out there this spring/summer.
     
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  23. over-it

    over-it Only the REAL

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    Along with the other GREAT feedback that you've provided @NikR , I love this idea!
    Regarding your first post, I've actually dated a musician. It worked out pretty well. Honestly, I tend to salivate over men who play an instrument extremely well. The church environment is not really the place that I'd prefer to meet musicians though. I've encountered them at studios, live band events, and even Guitar Center. Most of the musicians I meet are either straight or "playing straight". They tend to clique up where I live and talk about gay men in a very demeaning way. Not all are like this, but the masculine appearing ones tend to follow that modus operandi. I love your idea about how to approach though!
     
  24. over-it

    over-it Only the REAL

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    LOL! It baffles me too bro!
     
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  25. questforknowledge

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    This is great advice! I've been thinking about this too recently. I really would like to meet a guy in a non-gay setting because I know the guys I generally meet in those environments I'm not attracted too. Yet it is so difficult to find gay/bi guys in different non-gay settings. One thing I thought about it, you should try joining a site called meetup.com. There you may find groups related to the type of guys you are trying to find. Or even better you can set up a group that speaks to the guys you are looking for. It can be a great way to link up with people that have similar interests for friends and maybe help you find a potential boyfriend.
     
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  26. African King

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    post your pic so we can see.
     
  27. mojoreece

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    Even though Im not 30 its slowly creeping up the horizon. Part of the man reason Im single is there's a lot a stuff I need to work out with me before I can even take on a relationship and someone else. One thing I do fear is that because I dont have the same relationship experience (and still a V) as some of my peers. So when I do go into a relationship, I might become too emotionally attached and overbearing and get my heart broken. :(
     
  28. NikR

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    Dude, a LOT of people get started late, so don't worry too much about that. Seriously. I would say communicate and set expectations early- if you're a busy person, let them know it so they don't get in their feelings about texts languishing for *gasp* 3 hours. You're allowed to say, "please tell me if I'm texting you too much".

    I don't think you'll become too emotionally attached that quickly. Attachment usually takes some time, and it's usually after the initial crush phase wears off.
     
  29. mojoreece

    Bae Material The 1000 Daps Club

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    If I really care for a person (this includes non romantic relationships, friends and family) I can get a little over protective. Some of my friends use to joke and Say "OK DAD" meaning Im being too overbearing lol When I was just try to give them advise and be helpful advise lol. I also can be just lil stubborn lol. There are just knowable quirks that Im going to have to manage if am ever in a relationship.
     
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