Are Africans and Islanders the Craziest and Biggest Head-Cases to Date?

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Nick Delmacy, Sep 10, 2017.

  1. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    IMG_5527.JPG

    I would totally date a first or second generation African if they weren't so damaged and paranoiac about anyone from their home country finding out they are gay/bisexual. Same with Jamaicans and other islanders. Dem nikkas got issues!!!

    Also, I know they exist but I have yet to meet a fem queen African in America. Africans and Islanders in America be masc & chill AF. But you need a Masters Degree in psychology just to take them seriously in gay dating.

    I remember the interview @Ockydub had with a gay islander, shit was sad.

    Also, there was my interview with a gay black man in London with African parents. He's still closeted to this day.

    Am I alone with this way of thinking?
     
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  2. Artistic Arsonist

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    This thread title... :mjcry1:


    Anyways, all the Africans and Islanders I know are from school. I don't know any that are gay. Given that there's a high gay male population at my school, that may or may not support your position.

    WAIT! I know one African dude who is very flamboyant and feminine, but I have no idea what he's like when(or if) he goes back home.
     
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  3. takeyourmeds91

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    Ooooo I met a fem nigerian (I think he was nigerian) a couple weeks ago. Was the first in life. I'm normally apprehensive around fems cus I can feel them undressing me but he was actually really cool.

    PS would definitely take the two on the right and the one in darker colors on the left-side...
     
    #3 takeyourmeds91, Sep 11, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2017
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  4. Infinite_loop

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    Calling @African King in this because Nick just started a war lol:
    I'll only answer from an African perspective.
    Re: Homophobic upbringing/home country - that's just the hand we were dealt with. If you knew that the worst case scenario about being "exposed" as gay/bisexual is a tortuous death and the best case scenario is being disowned by your family, friends, and your community you would be paranoid too. It's a whole thing: I am sure you've seen videos/articles about people being exposed in Jamaica, Cameroon, Uganda etc and what happens to them?... It is also mostly psychological(especially for those living in the West) , sometimes I wonder if it would be as bad as I make it if I ever came out to my family or friends, but we'll never know now will we?:ashley: Speaking from personal experience, it has been an uphill battle... Everyone just assumes I am straight, so I learned to play the game and go with the flow. I can't say it hasn't been exhausting. It is a full-time job being an actor, after all...and I can't do that DL shit...I just can't. So, I've handling this the best way I can: First, I stopped worrying too much about "coming out". I realized it wasn't that important to me.

    I am naturally an introvert, not big on public speaking or big-ass weddings; I mostly fly under the radar. So, I'll continue being myself. Second, I stopped worrying too much about what everybody else thinks about the way I live my life. Yes, I won't give my mom some fantasy daughter-in-law or some superman grandkids, so I'll learn to live with that and she'll do the same. It'll probably take me a while to get to the point where I volunteer telling folks that I am gay/bi, but if I am caught slipping, I won't deny the charges.

    I just wish dudes would stop asking me what I think about this girl they saw on Instagram and what that ass look like or what have you: someday I am just going to be like "forget the girl, did you peep dude's ass tho? bubbly amiright?"

    Re - Fem Africans - Oh they out there . I know a few lol the difference is that they aren't usually that conspicuous. They are usually pretty chill and easy going(contrary to the "fem" stereotype) Just folks like us trying to get through the work week unnoticed.
     
  5. Jai

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    Everyone one in that picture looks good. Is this where the pornstar Dream came from?

    That one in black and orange look really tempting.
     
  6. OckyDub

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    Nope... they are a case study on how history/culture is ignored in favor of assimilation and indoctrination in Christianity.

    Most of them be super intelligent but the psychological damage is very real.
     
  7. OckyDub

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    Understandable but nonetheless, they don't even live in their home country anymore.
     
  8. African King

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    @Infinite_loop @Lancer @TheEdge lol. @Nick Delmacy GMFU hahaha.

    I will say this. I was born here in America so my experience is slightly different compared to someone like @Infinite_loop or @Lancer or @TheEdge but the fears are very real. I am living my life here in America BUT I am very cautious about how I move because the repercussions are out there if you do a lot especially on social media. My Facebook is very straight. I just post and share inspirational quotes and I have the occasional pictures with friends that I've been out with mostly in Atlanta (then some in Houston and some other cities). Facebook is where all my Nigerian family members from back home mostly are connected to me. We are in touch and I know that I will be going back home to Nigeria in the next few years. The last thing I need is anyone back home questioning me about who my friends are and what I am doing because things look "suspect".

    The truth is that the choices and decisions we all make do not only affect us but they also affect our other family members. I can live my life and be social and be involved in various initiatives in the black gay community here in ATL without having the whole "gay thing" come up in discussion amongst my parents and extended family. If my parents want to still be able to be involved in the Nigerian community in Houston and other U.S. cities as well as back home then I would want that for them instead of them being faced with rejections from ignorant people. They can live their life and I can live my life as well.

    I am naturally an introvert but I do have my extroverted tendencies so I have grown to be more social amongst the black gay community and also the African gay community here in Atlanta. I've been able to network and establish more connections. I do put myself out there so to speak but I am still flying under the radar at the same time. I am not as close to being a "gay socialite" as @Ockydub and @Nick Delmacy portray me to be lol. I am just happy that I don't have to do the whole DL thing but I do know that when I do go back home to Nigeria within the next few years for vacation that I will be very discreet.

    I can talk to my (extended) family members about so many other things aside from love and marriage. While the topic will come up, I'll just make up a story or switch up the subjects and keep it moving. That's the harsh reality of it all. I do think that while there is a truth to the whole African and Islander theory that @Nick Delmacy has that even Americans (not directly connected to family in Africa or the Caribbean) do deal with not wanting others to find out. It is just that with Africans and Caribbeans that while the experience is similar, there are the cultural differences and some additional layers to it all.

    **Sidenote: I personally know 4 men in that picture who are from Ghana and Nigeria who live in Texas and New York and they are "family" lol.
     
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  9. Infinite_loop

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    Many of us are still very much connected to our home countries whether through family, business, or other types of community ties. The World isn't as big as you would think...
     
  10. Cyrus-Brooks

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    Considering how rampant and violent homophobia is in African and Caribbean cultures I would be totally surprised if they weren't "head cases." African American bruthas are crazy enough (myself included). Family and cultural influences shape who we are as people so if every message someone gets from their family and culture about their sexuality is negative and they have to worry about being found out because that would social suicide, or fear for your safety it would be impossible for that not to have a negative effect on one's psyche. I spent years in therapy and on antidepressants and black Americans culture isn't as bad(but bad enough) as Caribbean or African cultures when it comes to homosexuality.
    One of my drinking buddies from my days in the military was from the Caribbean he lived in a constant state of dread of his family finding out he's gay. Probably why he drank so much. I couldn't keep up with him and back in the day I could drink like a fish.
     
  11. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    Let me say it this way... (yes I know everyone is different and doesn't think like me)

    Most of the things being described here (outside of torture, killing, imprisonment) most non-heterosexual men of color have to deal with. Its not unique to a region or country.

    Paranoia, thoughts of suicide, being condemned to hell, etc. I dealt with most of it when I was growing up. Once I moved away, these things were now for the most part irrelevant because I'm no longer in the environment that had the restrictions on impact.

    I know kats in their 40s, 50s and 60s who are still dealing with these issues. Its like they're waiting for their parents or grand parents to die so they can be free.

    If you're an adult independent man and your home region is 1000's of miles away, this is absolutely a self imposed problem. The family, church family gets to be happy and live free while you can't because of the fear of their judgements.

    So while they're living in their truth you in limbo wishing you could live yours.
     
    #11 OckyDub, Sep 12, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2017
  12. Lancer

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    I didn't understand the Tittle until I read the explanation and then burst laughing at ''But you need a Masters Degree in psychology just to take them seriously in gay dating''.
    [​IMG]
    Personally, this is SO TRUE! I once had an old flame tell me that in trying to get to know me his psychology skills had to be two steps ahead of mine which was tiring for him. My close friends from High School know about me, even know my parents and I know they will never tell them or other folks back home.
    I think Africans are afraid of folks from their home country finding out because of the shame it would bring their parents. They would not want their parents or siblings to become items of ridicule, ignored or distanced from. As Africans that sense of family/community is very strong and I guess they all want to be as ''Normal'' as possible and not draw ''negative'' attention to themselves. Even though they are well distanced/separated from that crowd.
     
  13. African King

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    THIS!!!
     
  14. Sean

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    I'm guessing all those supressed feelings must come out when having sex, cuz in my experiences with both, Africans and Islanders are some freaks! Man, i have some stories for the locker room. Lol.
     
  15. ColumbusGuy

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    Sounds like Africa is one hell of a repressed place actually. Lots of excuse making. IJS.

    People could say the same thing about backwards places like West Virginia...the whole 'family' and 'traditions' thing...but instead of defending the place sane people will condemn it for it's backwardsness.
     
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  16. Sean

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    @ColumbusGuy I can't tell if you're being sarcastic sometimes. Lol
     
  17. Infinite_loop

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  18. ColumbusGuy

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    Well that comment was just kind of out there I admit.

    You can love your family of course, but you have to live your life for you. I can remember when I was in my 20's and I was visiting my grandmother who was in her 80's and my father was also there. She brought up if I was dating or whatever and my father quickly answered and made up a story about a girl. I could understand it because of her age and all in a way, but it still just burned into me how it made me feel angry and shamed-and that was just one incident. i can imagine having to do that with relatives on a frequent basis. I knew which relatives would not be ok with me being gay, and I cut them out of my life.

    My brother and his wife are Xians and tried to turn my own mother against me for being gay. She is also Xian, but rebuffed them with 'what if one of your sons turns out gay, are you going to disown your own son?' I have seen my brother only a few times in the last dozen or so years since, and i have seen only one of my nephews one time since then. I cut them out of my life-and my partner and I before he died had visitied off and on and they were to our house and we to theirs and all, but no more-they crossed a line with that and they are pretty much out of my life.

    i wonder if this is how these homophobic relatives feel...that being gay crosses a line and then you are just out of their lives?

    I am not attacking anyone on here, but one sad thing I have learned from this site is that I was fortunate to NOT be born both gay and black. The struggles are real-realer than I ever could have known. And more so with black and gay guys with attachments to places where gays suffer real persecution, shunning on a mass basis, family shaming and disowning as a regular occurrence, even inprisonment and murder.

    Not that there is anything wrong with being black and gay of course, it is just the experiences of being black and gay seem just so much more difficult (generally speaking of course).
    Having to live a lie in a hypermasculine culture, or being out in that same culture, or trying to walk the fine line inbetween just seems very very hard. Of course local culture, socioeconomic status, etc. play a part in any individuals experience, but overall, it is just harder.

    When it comes to being gay there is serious, serious white privilege, even if you are not part of the 'elite gays' or the 'mainstream gays'. It is a sad truth to me, and I should remember it to have more empathy for black gay men and what they go through.

    These responses and this thread was just very sad reading for me. No insults were intended in my responses if I offended anyone. I hope all of you stay strong and help one another.
     
    #18 ColumbusGuy, Sep 13, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2017
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  19. Infinite_loop

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    I just want to point out that there is a general apathy to intersectionality in this thread:
    Not only are most of us African or Islanders, we are also:
    * Immigrants
    * Black men living in the US
    * Transgender or gender non-conforming
    * Drowning in Debt as early 20s or late 30s professionals who are graduate school/college educated
    * Orphans/Survivors of genocides and/or civil wars( if you are a subsaharan African who didn't go through a bloodbath in the 20th century, good for you!)

    * And the list goes on....

    Choose more than one item of the above and combine it with being gay and you can see why there ain't no "whining". I am not necessarily looking for sympathy(although it would be welcome from a forum full of people *WHO SHOULD* get it) , but I believe looking at the big picture can help with not scratching the surface or have tunnel vision about this particular topic.
     
  20. OckyDub

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    Once you're in a safe space/place and your life is not in danger...The path may be hard but the choice is simple.

    Either you want to be happy or you don't.

    If you want to be happy, what choices are you willing to make that will influence your actions so you can attempt to live a full happy life?

    An example of this (mentioned by @Cyrus-Brooks and myself) would be seeking/obtaining counselling to bring your mental state in balance to counter the negative anti-LGBT indoctrination by family, church, home regions and the Black community as a whole.

    In my experience...the men who are hiding or who are basket cases, always seem to be explaining why they're in their situation or why they're fearful but never seem to talk about how or what they're willing to do to make themselves happy or "live in their truth".
     
  21. Nick Delmacy

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  22. sekou

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    As a resident islander (Jamaican) walks in looks about *[​IMG]
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    Islanders living in the states always and will always have some level of baggage because of the importance of family in our colture. To put it another way family to us is an extention of our self and this is heightened in the context of immigrants / visitors to the states. For instance over here people do not put their parents in old age homes that's the greatest disrespect with parents either staying in their own home and a family remember stays with them or they live with the children. Sunday dinner is a tradition and most people run home at these times for dinner from mom . They constantly seek approval from their parents because because for their parents their child is the future of the family . The last point is the most critical .

    Most Caribbean children are the future for their parents. I have not come across any Jamaican who wouldn't say this isn't true. From you are a child being an over achiever isn't a choice it's practically mandatory. It is beaten into you to get high grades ... study all the time. Home work is piled on and on with parents down in your skin to get high grades because when you finish studying the hope is that you will either get a good job (through scollarahip) and or migrate overseas to get a food job. With this new job you are then expected to take care of the family . This in essence ties all islanders past . Present and future to their family. It's hard to explain over an essay. Probably a video but this above all is the heart of the matter. I'll put it another way. Majority if not a good chunk of the economy of Jamaica comes from remitancies from Jamaicans living and working abroad .

    Couple this with the then pressure to continue the family line . And what's the greatest threat to this? Being gay . Asside from the social stigma attached and the pressures from outside the family. One is faced with the choice of coming out and being disowned by the family forced to live on the streets, being attacked on the streets for the same reason, in lesser extreems being cut off from the love of the family and in some cases being phisically beaten / killed by parents .

    Jamaicsns go abroad and become the bread winner for not only the parents but in some cases entire families back home. They are new to the world abroad, strangers inna foreignand. Family is all they know, all they have and all they are their for. The only thing that comes close to family identity is nation identity that is another form of family, if yoh reaĺly look at it. Their is no islander that won't make it clear / or will be ashamed to claim which island they come from . It is a badge of honnor,especially during the Olympics. Soo all what I mentioned (family) in some ways are exasperated in their minds when abroad and generates the "islanders " you refer to . I could go on and on but I suck at writing .

    On the other hand . You do have the occasional progressive parent ...... yeah they don't exist . Some way or another they have some degree of what I mentioned above
     
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  23. Champagne Papi

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    I came here for a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.
    I don’t know yeh, I never thought of this but then again, what’s considered a fem queen in the states is mostly something totally different elsewhere in the world.
    But is their country just a physical place for them or is it also a psychological boundary?
    :johnwall:
    Absolutely correct. Honestly yeh, I feel most have given up and are so subconsciously defeated that they don’t even consider the possibility of happiness or living freely. A mental prision has been the norm for them and change is scary....so what do they do, they’ll stick to justifying why they should stay the same.
     
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  24. Cyrus-Brooks

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    This gonna sound ugly but I'm gonna say it anyway. For non-heterosexual black people you have to get the point where you say, " FUCK MY FAMILY, FUCK WHAT THEY THINK, FUCK WHAT THE CHURCH FOLKS GOT TO SAY." It's not easy but there comes a time where you gotta put your wellbeing as an individual first. I'm starting to see more gay black Americans adopt this attitude. African and Caribbean peeps are gonna continue to suffer until they adopt a more selfish attitude when it comes to their own happiness. You can't live your life for your family no matter how important they may be to you. If they can't accept you for who you are you gotta be prepared to cut ties with them completely. There are family members I haven't spoken to in 14 years. I have no regrets about that. Toxic people including family gets cut off. Thats how you gotta carry it. If necessary I would've done my own mother the same way. Fortunately she came to her senses. Families try to overstep their boundaries and control you even into adulthood. It's up to you to put them back in their place. If they can't respect that you're a grown ass man who makes his own decisions then you're better off without them.
     
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