Being A Virgin Makes Me A Commodity???

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by African King, Jan 29, 2016.

  1. African King

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    I remember last weekend when I spoke to my mentor privately in his beautiful backyard about the guy I brought to his house that I am attracted to. Long story short, my mentor told me that I am a commodity because I am a virgin. Not only that I am a virgin but in his and some other men's words a virgin that is good-looking, smart, charismatic, ambitious and has a lot going for myself.

    The guy I have been going back and forth with every now and then for the past week or so is 22 years old. My mentor told me that unless I feel he is the one that I should probably back off. Then he also told me that unless I want something casual with the guy then I should just leave him. My mentor remembers when he was 22 years old and also coming across other younger black gay men like myself that when they were 22 years old that they were really looking for a good time so to speak. He told me that I may just be another notch in someone's belt and that is simply NOT what I want to be. I want to mean more than just another guy's story in his bragging rights about how he took a guy's virginity. I know that many men out there do like that idea of taking someone's virginity. I know for example my straight cousin back in his high school days told me stories about how he ran through maybe 50 or 100 girls in his large high school class. Girls kept hearing about how f*re his peen was and they were having his phone ring off the hook. Thank God he never got any of them pregnant though lol. Anyway back to what I was saying...

    What my mentor said made me think... we discussed for a little bit more while I had the guy waiting inside but then my mentor did say to just play it by ear and no pressure. Take everything a step at a time and just see what happens. My mentor feels like the guy is a well-spoken, amiable and artistic 22 year old black gay man so who knows what could happen.

    How do you guys feel? Would dating a guy who is a (26 yr old) virgin matter to you? Would you feel some type of way about dating a virgin? Does coming across a guy in his mid-20s (or any age for that matter) and him still being a virgin influence your decision in pursuing a relationship? Feel free to talk about anything recent or you can discuss about dealing with a virgin in your past relationships.
     
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  2. Dr. Strange

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    I can't say that simply being a virgin makes one a "commodity" per say, all it really says about a person is that they haven't had sex. The reason for it matters the most. I could probably date a virgin, but if they're physical unavailable (completely, not just sex) then I will probably end up being emotionally unavailable.

    Personally, I don't really understand this "I don't want to be a notch on someone's belt" or whatever. The principal works both ways, as it takes two to tango. Furthermore, one becomes a notch regardless. Two people can get together a be significant notches on each others belt but regardless will become a notch.

    If you want to wait till you're in a relationship to have sex then stick with that. But there is only so much vetting one can do to see whether someone is "worthy" or not. And even then it might not work out. It's all chance really.
     
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  3. African King

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    Yeah it does take two to tango. I do think that I will wait until I am a relationship or at least REALLY into somebody. That's one thing I contemplate. I just think I am worth more than a hookup. I know some guys on here think I am crazy for saying this but it is just honestly how i feel.
     
  4. Dr. Strange

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    I get what you're saying. But like I said there's only so much vetting you can do. All of this is basically a roll of the dice and hoping for a 7 or 11. But sometimes you get snake eyes.

    Say you do have sex with someone who ended up really just wanting the hook-up. That says more about them than you. You're still you, your intentions were genuine, and you wouldn't have anything to feel bad about.

    Furthermore, even with all the mentorship your IRL friends and people on here can give you, you're still going to have to have your own experiences. Abstaining from an experience simply because it might not be perfect seems a bit erroneous and detrimental to me.
     
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  5. Nick Delmacy

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    I'm a lil suspect about this "mentor" you keep mentioning and what he's filling your head with. So your virgin booty hole is somehow more valuable than a person who's only been with a handful of dudes? That's heteronormative at best and slut-shaming at worse.

    [​IMG]


    But regarding your question, TO ME, being a virgin is not really a commodity.

    If you're a Top (or even versatile), the Bottoms I've met prefer dudes with experience. But even as a guy who has primarily Topped in my life, the wackest sex I've had has been with the inexperienced. They just kinda laid there, not knowing what to do or where to put their legs.

    The BEST sex I've EVER had though, was with a Bottom....a Bottom who (as I would later find out) had LOTS of experience. Had a nikka sweating from the mutual workout...on top of that the Head game was immaculate! Had me like:

    [​IMG]

    I didn't even tell the dude I let penetrate me that he was my first to until AFTER we did it. Sex has never been this rare gemstone to me, it was something other people were doing that I hadn't yet experienced, so I had to change that ASAP. Once I met the dude who fit the requirements and was willing and able, we did it. He wasn't Mr Right, but he was a Damn fine Mr Right Now. We did it and I moved on (I was the one that dumped him). I discovered that I didn't love it so I didn't do it again for another 5 years.

    Again, the squad may disagree but just as not every dating situation has to lead to marriage, not every sexual experience has to be this magical thing.

    BOTTOMS HAVE NOTCHES IN THEIR BELTS TOO! I've been used for dick by many a dude so tell your "mentor" to fuck off with trying to make you think men who get penetrated are lesser than.

    Do what works for you, though. I'm done, lol.
     
  6. Dr. Strange

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  7. Jai

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    Blah, I waited a long time to have sex..it wasn't magical or made me feel different. All I can say about being a virgin for so long really says noting or places you above anyone else.

    I bottomed for this 22 year old guy....my first time having sex. The entire scene was like the scene between Halle & Billy Bob Thorton in Monster Ball movie, couch and everything.

    Idk wtf I was expecting but this wasn't the Disney ending I made up in my mind...cause after that he got what he wanted & departed...I, on the other hand was left shaking on the couch like a desperate housewife, right before I went and soaked in the bathtub for the rest of the night.

    I always though keeping my virginity for so long made me special...My friend's response, "It's about damn time!"

    Idk what else to say about it other than if you want to do it with someone you consider special, do it, if you want to get down to business with a random guy, do it. Just wrap it up. lol
     
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  8. cypher21

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    You. Are. Ridiculous. :sabu:
     
  9. @yahoo.com

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    The interesting thing is that taking someone's virginity is just a "thing." I took someone's virginity and it was painful for me and one of my worst performances because he was a wreck... and whined and made noises and said things that turned me off. I kept in deep consideration that this was his first time (or so he claimed) and that it was a special day for him so I did not let my frustrations show. But I was frustrated. There is a sense of "i am the second or third person to use this car" and that is something good with guys who have not had a lot of partners. My last lover was only with one other guy than me and I did not feel anything special or magical about his hole. It just was... well, just like any other.

    Honestly, I would not marry this guy... but the I am now casually dating this lil dude and his sex is FIRE! and he will tell me in a minute - he has been with "a lot" of guys, you are not the only one getting this, he likes to have sex, and is open to threesomes, etc. His sex game is one of the best I ever had... better than my ex lover and I keep going back. Because he is fun, spunky and his hole is not the size of the opening of a mason jar. Its nice, tight and he knows that. Gosh. He got that good good.

    Morale of the story... wait, ok. I remembered. Being a virgin these days is noble and I applaud you. But, for most of these guys that just means that you are going to probably get a date that is thought out and what would be considered his "good planning," and his expectation is he will get what he wants (hopefully you'll see through the extra $20 bux he spends on dinner and maintain your dignity). Rare - yes. Special because of it - yes. A commodity, more valuable than others - NO! My 2 cents.
     
    #9 @yahoo.com, Jan 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2016
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  10. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    It would be disingenuous to claim that you being a virgin isn't a highly rare and thus valuable quality. With that being said you've waited this long it would be foolish to give that up to some 22 year old just because. You want to make your decision based off of a truly deep connection to the person. Someone that you have committed to and is an addition to your life that you can see being a part of that life for the foreseeable future. At this age the decision to give up your virginity isn't as thoughtless as it would've been as a teenager and as I can only assume you identify as a bottom, as a top I can tell you we definitely do put a value on body count. For some it determines rather we see if there's a future there or just a night. Many of those views are vestiges held over from heteronormative society but they are there.
     
    #10 NickAuzenneNOLA, Jan 30, 2016
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  11. @yahoo.com

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    Yes - this mentor seems a little suspect. I would say be careful of dealing with those older gays... they are bitter about something or another and never have your best interest at heart. Times have changed and many of their thought process / thinking about issues have not. IF you start thinking like them, it may not turn out so well for you. My 2 Sense.
     
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  12. African King

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    That's very true. Good point.
     
  13. African King

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    1st bolded point - he never said anything about a "virgin booty hole" and all that you said @Nick Delmacy. There's no slut-shaming going on here. Maybe there are some points from the conversation that I am not remembering that could have made things clearer for you.

    2nd bolded point - LOL I'm glad you had that BOMB BOMB!

    3rd bolded point - My mentor is not saying at all that men who get penetrated are less than. But I do understand that top, bottom or verse that people definitely get used for sure. As for me and my (future) sexual position, based on the guys I know off here and our sex, dating and relationship talks we engage in offline they label me as Versatile. I just laugh. I don't mind that. Other guys I've come across assume I'm a top but that I have "morals and values" and that I'm just not like any other top out there. Honestly I do feel like I would want to be either Verse Top or Fully Versatile. I just think the whole top & bottom dynamic is very boring (in porn) and I feel like both men being able to be fully versatile is like getting the best of both worlds which is what I aspire for.

    But yeah big bro thanks for your input. :)
     
  14. African King

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    1st bolded point - yeah I am sure my guys that I keep in touch with offline from Cypher Avenue would probably shut down a party hall and be like "African King's First Gay Sex Party" or "African King's Lost His Virginity Party" or something lol.

    2nd bolded point - yeah I would rather it be with someone special because I am older and smarter at this point to just give up this mouth, this D & this @$$ to just any random dude.... yeah I'm pretty sure of that.... I think lol.
     
  15. African King

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    LOL thank you. People do say that. Others reverse slut-shame me hahaha.

    I just want a N*GGA to know that a dinner and a movie doesn't just mean I'm letting you get on your knees for me or that I'm about to just be slangin' this Nigerian peen (or vice versa lol).
     
  16. African King

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    THANK YOU!!!! yeah it is not just a thoughtless thing and this is what my mentor and his husband stress to me constantly. They feel like at this stage of the game for a guy like me that I would regret just hooking up and I agree.

    Regarding your point about me being a bottom is a heteronormative societal view. I do know that some men who are really self-identifying bottoms out there do have the same views as myself. On the other hand, I believe that based on the posts that you do on Cypher Avenue @NickAuzenneNOLA that you're not just a self-identifying top that just gives it up to anyone. You seem to be a guy that really decides whether or not a guy (or girl) is worth having you. I believe that me being an "aspiring" Verse Top or Fully Versatile man that any guy out there regardless of their sexual position can either be a "H*E" or be someone like myself (or like yourself) who really does place value on having a relationship before having sex.

    The second guy I went on 3 dates with back in Houston, TX before leaving for South Florida for graduate school was a Nigerian guy and based on our first conversation after we were getting to know each other I knew that he was a H*E in the past. That's keeping it 1000! lol. But he spoke about how he changed his ways after catching an STD that he later was treated for. I didn't really care because I guess at least he changed. That's why he got 2nd and 3rd dates from me.

    But I do believe that I am the type of guy that seriously does put a value on body count. I don't want a guy who's had the whole block lol but as someone who is 26 years old, the likelihood of finding another gay virgin out there who's close in age with me is not as likely because gay virgins are pretty much an anomaly. I know there are gay/bi dudes out here having sex in middle school and high school nowadays. Back when I was that young, I was so concerned with playing video games and playing outside hahaha.

    Just curious about two things @NickAuzenneNOLA :

    1) how do you feel about the casual sex thing? If a guy (let's leave women out of this convo for a minute because they think differently) you were interested in sexually did not want to give it up to you on the first night and wanted to get to know you better, would that make you have more respect for him? Or would you be more straight up about having casual sex relationship with him?

    2) As a bisexual man, you say you're a top but would you ever be willing to bottom? (let me know if that is too intrusive of a question) Or you could speak on other bisexual men that you know... do all of them just top or do any of them be willing to trade places?
     
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  17. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    #17 NickAuzenneNOLA, Jan 30, 2016
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  18. ControlledXaos

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    I think that you are idolizing and over valuing virginity in to market that couldn't care less. It's like getting a fresh 20 out of the ATM. It's cool to see but it still spends no more or any less than the older cash you already have.

    However, it is important to YOU. So hold on to the value that you have given it. I can tell you that it is likely your first time won't be magical from either a top or bottom position. As a bottom you will probably have to take a while adjust and dilate or you may not be as.... Prepared... As you think you were and some... leavings may still be back there and as a top, unless you are a good dancer and have been practicing, stroke game could be awkward and it's highly possible you'll bust quick. Those are probably the worst physical things that commonly occur but are expected, all things considered.

    Emotionally, you may feel different when you reflect on the event. But this is going to depend on the guy. The likelihood you'll find another Virgin in your age range is low but you could also find someone who just isn't that experienced. Not all non virgins are hoes or have high body counts.

    So for you it'll be emotional but once you process the event, you'll be fine.

    As far as who to toot up to first... Maybe you should not worry about that so much. It's likely your first sexual experience may not even involve full on penetration anyway. I would like to think that you'd not want the whole enchilada the first time you get nekkid with a guy. But if you do, hey, ain't nothing wrong. There's levels to this too if you like. So don't feel you have to hit every sexual bullet point the first time.
     
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  19. alton

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  20. African King

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    1st - THANK YOU for that. I will hold on.

    2nd - What does dancing have to do with topping? We all know @Nick Delmacy can't dance lol. Jk big bro! hahaha

    But yeah good points here. There are levels to this ish. lol
     
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  21. SB3

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    Im a lil surprised abt the fact that ur mentor was so dismissive of him. U been talkin to this dude for like, 2 weeks. Dont be 'gay' n treat that like 2 months! Just keep getting to know the guy if u like what youve seen so far.

    As for the virginity, Ima join the choir n say that I dont think its a big deal in 2016. I rly dont think most grown men are running around pressed to bed a virgin. Point tho, is that ur virginity matters to u, so it is what it is.

    Like I always tell u tho, dont sit around waiting for everything to be 'perfect' before u get out n live life.
     
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  22. African King

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    I saw how you dapped all the posts and I was like I know @SB3 is sick of me since he ain't respond hahahaha. Yeah I will keep getting to know him as long as he shows interest.

    Yeah I am not tryna do that anymore. I want to live life more bro for real. I'm 26 and not getting any younger.
     
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  23. SB3

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    Btw, u also have to remember that there is a lot of space btwn 0 and penetration. No reason to be the 40 year old TOTAL virgin whos never been kissed.
     
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  24. African King

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    LOL yes just like @ControlledXaos said. I been kissed on the cheeks by women but never been kissed by a man and never kissed a man. I'm sure 2016 will bring at least one kiss so far as long as I put myself out there.
     
  25. Dr. Strange

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    Ugh...why does this matter? So because a dudes body count is lower therefore makes him more pure? WE are not women, gay men are going to have sex. A body count can be low for multiple reasons that don't involve "morals" or anything like that.

    If I was given the choice, give me an honest "hoe" over an unsure virgin any day. All that experience will probably make them a better lover in bed anyway.
     
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  26. scooter

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    When I was 20 yrs. old, I met this one guy in ATL whom I gave my virginity to one night. However, I never got a chance to inform him that he was my first, and to this day he doesn't know that he took my virginity. Being a virgin doesn't mean much to experienced gay or bisexual guys these days, and it most definitely doesn't make you better then anyone else.

    However, it does mean something to one person, and one person alone which is you. In my case I felt the guy I chose to be with met most of the criteria I wanted in a guy, (except the fact that he was in a relationship with my roommate) charge it to my head, and not my heart. As I stated before being a virgin meant something to me, b/c I knew that it would be a memory that I'd cherish for the rest of my life. As for the guy I was with he was already experience, and I felt that the moment he lost his virginity meant more to him, then me losing mines to him. Which is why I elected not to tell him about the moment we shared with each other.
     
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  27. SB3

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    I mean... I get the whole 'experience' thing, but as much as we wana 'liberate' ho-ing, it's still ho-ing. What makes it diff for gay men? If I KNOW a dude has been w errbody, thats a turn off for me. Not judging them for what they wana do as an adult, but that doesnt align w how I personally get down.
     
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  28. SB3

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    Smh @ roommate boo stealin...lol

    But for real, Ive seen a few of u guys on this thread who said guys didnt know they were taking ur virginity. If Im right in assuming you all mean as far as bottoming, then how in the hell isnt it obvious that its ur first time being penetrated? I just cant imagine being relaxed enough to keep that from being obvious.
     
  29. Dr. Strange

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    I see what you're saying. My point is both of these situations are one the extreme ends of the spectrum. And if I had to choose between the two I would choose the "hoe". That doesn't mean I'm going to marry them or what not.

    I just don't think body count matters because that's like me holding ones sexual past against another. I've had people before you and you've had people before me and that's the reality. How many people really doesn't matter, its just a number, like age.
     
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  30. grownman

    The 100 Daps Club Supporter

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    I am just glad that you are getting this tough love. I have been waiting. I know you value the opinion of the squad. Particularly, those that have been for awhile.
     
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  31. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    I feel u, I guess Im just thinkin from the stance of ur past/body count is 1 thing, but, umm, if u got trizzed at a sex party last Friday, thats ur present...n it aint xmas..ijs
     
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  32. ControlledXaos

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    cpnoway:gladbron::lupe1:
     
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  33. SB3

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    See..this is why we didnt invite u to the last get together
     
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  34. acessential

    Squad Leader Best Thread Creator The 1000 Daps Club

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    I think we place too much value on virginity. People should just do it when they personally feel like it. In my experience, everyone will have weird thoughts even if it's not a casual hook-up. And like someone said earlier, the first experience might not involve penetration. I don't think there's much value into waiting to see what each other's penises look like. Be like Nike. Just do it...if you feel like it.
     
  35. cypher21

    cypher21 Deactivated Account
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    Now it's time for a fellow virgins thoughts( because yes my opinion is valuable too) after reading what everyone else has to say.
    I absolutely understand where you're coming from as being a virgin can put you in a very conflicting mental state at times. You value it for your own reasons and want to uphold your values but at the same time you can't ignore all of the influences and realities of how the world is especially the "gay dating" world, not to mention your own cravings from time to time.

    For me, I'm not waiting for the "perfect guy" or situation to happen, I'm waiting on the right guy, there's a difference. I just want to do it with someone that means something to me, preferably someone patient lol, but also someone that cares about me too. Growing up I didn't have alot of stability at home so I went looking for it in everything else and I think that eventually carried over into my precision of relationships later on. Being with someone I know will try to be there for a while became a priority so losing my virginity to just anyone was out of the question. I say all this to say Ask yourself why you want to be a virgin and if that reason still holds up in your mind as a value worth believing in just keep at it. Know why you want this, don't just follow what we're saying, this kind of thing is highly individualistic IMO.

    Also an important thing right now like others have stated is to not focus on that aspect of your relationship with this guy yet and just keep building on it. Find out more about him, spend more time with him...don't jump the gun on all this, you two are still in a budding stage it seems. If the topic of sex comes up I think the best approach would be to simply be honest and open about your reservations. If finding someone special to you is important to you then you should not compromise...being a virgin in itself is not a noble or valuable thing, its the person motives for being one that are. I feel like its part of who you are...I understand the points guys above me have made but in the end @African King only you can say what the right decision for yourself was.
     
    #35 cypher21, Jan 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2016
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