CA Podcast #44 - The "Working On Me” Episode (Part 1)

Great Episode!!!!

 

I enjoyed last year's Halloween festivities.The redesign and everything rocked.My favorite thing was @ockydub 's post featuring the the scary animated stories.

 

Like I always say, its awesome to see u guys continue to share ur own experiences. Not only are there always a few ppl sitting there like, 'thats true' or, 'i was wondering the same damn thing', but as the owners of this platform, sharing some relatable stories and experiences can't ever hurt.

Im not touching that gay hookup/sex life topic tho...

Looking forward to part 2

 

is it gonna be on iTunes or Pocket Casts? Because I'd love to listen to this on my commute at some point.

 

They really went there and went deep. I can relate on the body image issues for one. I can relate to @Nick Delmacy experience more so than with @ockydub because of the paranoia that comes with putting myself out there. I will be 26 in one month and I spent most of my time really struggling with accepting my sexuality. It has not been easy but as you and many other Cypher Avenue members know, I've come a LONG way since 2013 especially. Thank God for that.

As far as the sex thing, that has not happened yet but I can say that I have been afraid of it because of body image issues when I was younger, diseases, and also thinking about the act of gay sex in context with religion and faith.

As for relationships, I guess I am still trying to figure out how to go about casually dating.

I can't wait for Part II!

 

This was such a good podcast. Yeah definitely went through a few body image issues. I was, still am on the skinny side but def gained more confidence as i went along after changing the people i was hanging out with. If you spend to much time with the " we have to be fabulous at all times" crew. Its easy to get lost in a lot of superficial staff.

 

Looking forward to part 2. Appreciate the honesty, humility, and humbleness of sharing your story. This opens up and continues the conversation. Great stuff guys.

 

I wish they would put these on the Dog Catcher app on Android. That way I can manage these podcasts on my phone.

 

Damn, those animated stories were my discoveries, not @ockydub...
See how he steals all of my glory when it comes to the site?

These 3 Illustrated Ghost Stories Will Scare The Shit Out Of You!

 

My bad! It's on Dog Catcher now. Wasn't before turn up!

 

Great podcast! I will say this, black gay men are one of the most pretentious groups out there. Be it ATL, NYC, LA, or wherever. I think it has everything to do with the way we are represented and the lack of media exposure to NORMALCY within our community. I always love referencing Noah's Arc because all of the men were not the "trifecta", yet they had loving relationships and were not overtly pretentious. I find that most men who are not pretentious are in LTR's as both men aim to protect and provide for each other, rather than one always wanting to take take take.

 

You think media representations of black gay men has something to do with how black gay men in real life act? If so, please explain

 

This was as usual, an awesome a$$ PodCast. I just hate that by the time yous really get into the good part of the convo there's only like 15min left LOL. Anyways... The Boards "Halloween Horror" - Go for it, I loved what yous did last year with the stories (that NICK discovered LOL) and what not. I can DEFINITELY relate to the body image thing. I've never been "obese" but I've definitely more than once been well on the inside of "gay obese" (which we know is anything without definition and over a 36" waist) and I've been well within what would be considered an "overall acceptable" body type. But I started to notice that no matter which side I fell on I still had issues meeting guys. I mean, hookin' up was never really an issue, but I've also never been a very sexual person so that's never been my thing anyways. But to try and get to know muhfukaz on some other shit never panned out for me. So that kinda amp'd up the self esteem issues I already had because it made me think (realize) maybe I'm not as good looking as I thought or, Im still a fat fuck or, what do these niggaz see that I can't, etc etc. Years later I still have no luck meeting dudes but I think I've gotten to the point where it doesn't affect me like it did when I was younger. One thing I will say that does f#%k with me is (and I've mentioned this on here before) the guys that I do find attractive and interesting etc etc, always turn out to be str8. Not meaning that I purposely go after str8 dudes but, dudes that I get intrigued by and find myself wanting to get to know, ALWAYS end up being straight. I don't know whether that's some kinda inner psychosis/ subconscious sh!t or just The Universe's idea of a f##k'd up joke but, that's pretty much the crux of my frustration at this point and probably the reason I just don't bother gettin' to know people anymore. Just tired or the disappointments LOL The whole Age-ist sh!t doesn't really bother me because I could give a f@#k about a young dude anyways, LOL The Gay Man's revulsion to sexual "abstinence" has always baffled me. I'm going on almost 2yrs of not having sex and I'm not dying, angry, or wanting to hump everything in sight. My cousin hears this and acts like I've committed a Cardinal Sin or some shit. LOL My best friend always warns that my excessive J/O will lead to performance issues but, the last time I had sex I had no issue at all hoppin' back on the bike. LOL I will say tho, my obsession with porn probably has had the reverse effect on my psyche in that when I am with another dude, anything that comes off as "scripted" or too "porn-ish" is a turn off for me. Overly/Corny vocals, overly enthusiastic suckin/body movements, the phrases "f#$k me daddy" or "f#$k my hole", are all things that cause my performance issues. For me, porn is for the computer screen, I don't wanna feel like I'm filmin' a scene in real life. Now on the flip side, there's shit that I DO want to do when I'm diggin' someone out but, I'm always paranoid about "accidents". I've had some "Picassos" on more than a few occasions and it's made me paranoid to do simple shit like the typical "In & Out" stab and jab, for fear of getting blasted on the pull out LOL. Anyways, I know there’s other points I wanted to touch on but I'm rambling now, lemme get my ass back to work. LOL Again, great Podcast, guys!

 

Why dont u just download them? Thats the perk of team android!

 

At the same time, it was a drastically unrealistic show..ijs

I get ur point tho man

 

Unfortunately Part 2 is already recorded (and is even longer than Part 1) so we can't respond to or add many of the points mentioned here in the comments, but we'll def bookmark them for later conversations.

We spoke for over 4 hours on Skype that night and recorded it all

 

The key here is that you've given up on meeting guys. As corny as it may sound, Im one of those guys @Nick Delmacy was talking about as far as coming into the scene late and genuinely open to meeting other gay men on platonic levels. Never know who's friend might be feeling u, ijs.

As a Brooklynite, I know I've invited u out to grab a drink, but u don't wanna be bothered lol. I just think ur too young to put the tombstone on ur social life man.

 

I'm guilty of this now as well. Complain about not meeting new compatible dudes but also don't put myself out there to potentially meet them. It's like guys expect them to magically appear like in a movie.

Also I've been guilty of being the "flake" as well. I've met somewhat compatible dudes but overconfidently said, "if I met this dude, I'll easily meet others who are even more compatible if I keep looking." This hasn't always been the case.

 

Cause I'm lazy, foo.

Now when they post one up, Dog Catcher will fetch it for me when it checks the innanet and download it for me... With speed options. I can play at 1.5 speed so it doesn't take as long to listen.

 

I see a lot of ppl mentioning the body image issue. In fairness, gays advertise w instagram models the same way str8s do on their fliers. And everyone does it becus we ALL like to look at hot ppl.

I think the issue comes in w ppl literally thinking that they have to look like the ppl on the fliers. Even a few of our own CA crew are no strangers to the gym, (we all know @ockydub used to be an IG model, pre IG, lol), but the reality is that the majority of the population doesnt look like that! Gay or str8!

So, my q is, w the majority of the guys in the club NOT looking like the flyer, what keeps them from relating and linking based on that shared reality? Kinda like, 'knowing ur lane', so to speak.

I dont mean to come off as if image issues arent real, I just dont know why theres so much pressure on gay men to look like an IG model, when they prob represent 5% of the gay community.

 

Great podcast. The "performance anxiety" part really spoke to me. I don't have a lot of sex and haven't had a lot of sexual partners so even now in the back of my head there's always this thought of "am I doing this right? Will it be enough to keep him from looking elsewhere." I never really had body image issues, I've just never felt like I was sexy. Certainly handsome and attractive, but I'm the boy next door, not James Bond. I think that plays a role in my dating life (for better or worse.)

 

Thats what Im saying. Don't get me wrong, Ive decided to just get a bunch of attack dogs and move to a hilltop plenty of times, but I CAN say that I try to do my part in dating (when Im not frustrated w yall gay mofos).

I just hate seeing how complacent so many of us are. Its like, we're all sitting here w the same gripes, but aren't trying to see the possibilities in front of our faces.

I think @ockydub is/was onto something w that app idea..ijs

 

Maybe because as a gay man you usually have more money and free time than hetero peers. You have more money to spend on looking good be it clothes, gym membership, expensive supplements or food and more free time to be in the gym or active because you don't have kids at home... Usually. It's ancetodoal though.

Then if you are spending most of your time on the hunt you do what you think you need to you be the best candidate. If you look better than the last guy then you are impressing the next guy. So many of us are single because we can't find anyone or don't want anyone or who we find don't act right or we are not attracted to them or they us for whatever reason. Add in the list of requirements that are way longer than the trifecta and it's a wonder any of us ever have sex at all when many of us don't meet the prerequisites other dudes have.

 

I said I wasnt gonna touch this, but the performance anxiety thing..

I think it's becus of how empty and routine hooking up has become. Some ppl hook up so consistently and mechanically that it can make sex extremely awkward. Ppl are just doing it for the sake of having any sort of human companionship, even if its only for an hour.

I think the bigger problem is that so many gay mofos are so scared to say and ask, while feeling this overwhelming pressure to just know it all. But how does a novice learn abt things w/o some communication accompanying the 'doing'?

 

Dont make me say it...........

Red!Flag!Hunting!!!!!

Gay mofos are often so used to things not working out, that they start approaching all situations looking for the reason(s) why this one wont work either. Sooo conditioned to expecting failure, instead of trying to take a situation for what it is.

I can give some of these young heads a pass, since all they know is this popcorn life full of endless option apps, but its ridiculous that men over 30 are on this tip.

I'm just tired of grown men being bag ladies, and consistently getting in their own way.

Also, even w all of the extra 'disposable' income, most gay men (and str8 men) dont look like IG models.

 

I think because the black gay community, especially online and in gay mecca cities are a bunch of nickels looking for dimes. A dude can be in shape yet still get rejected. Or even reject others because they want someone more photogenic (for Instagram photo-ops). For many black gay men, they date for appearances, not compatibility.

 

Yeah I think this is how many guys feel. They may not be overweight or out-of-shape but they still don't feel "sexy" by gay standards. Even dudes who LIVE in the gym with muscular bodies get rejected for being too dark, too light, not enough this, not enough that...Everyone experiences the one you want NOT wanting you, no matter how "sexy" you may be to someone else.

 

Thats what I think the bigger problem is, nickels looking for dimes! Its like when u posted in the thirst trap thread (i think) when u said how ev1 is posting IG models n celebs (which is fine, we love em) but u pointed out how ppl werent posting the everyday guys (most of whom i was rly into).

Ive always noticed how many gay men are completely unrealistic when it comes to knowing their lanes. I will say that its mostly w the more fem n fab types, and I can only assume that its born out of having to build themselves up after having been put down for so long.

But still, no1 wins when ur out of ur league..ijs

 

Great podcast guys!

I really could relate to everything Ocky was saying in regards to him in his twenties. Almost took the words out of my mouth a few times! The idea of realizing your self worth is the most important factor in loving yourself and others. Gay (black) men do have so many issues with self esteem and relationship building because they don't value themselves enough to understand that they are enough! You don't have to have a six pack, large member, or the face of Adonis to be loved and it's so hard to see that when all you get from everyone in your life, even your family or loved ones and society is negative or they put you down.

Loving yourself is difficult when the whole world seems against you from the start. Thank you for pointing that out! I have so much work to do but seeing others make it is little hopeful!

 

I agree with a lot of what you said but the whole idea of "leagues" is probably the main issue, @ockydub would prob be the first to agree with that. Approaching and lusting for men "sexier" than you is not so much aproblem because you may actually be their type. You never know until you try. But I think the problems arise when that type becomes advertised as the ONLY type seen as desirable and men feel like if they don't fit into that image, they are less worthy, attractive and/or valued.

 

I have met many 35+ year olds who have been single for years. From the outside you'd think "oh he's attractive, in good shape for his age, successful blah blah blah." but still on that Mary J Blige. "ain't none of these dudes no good." yet and still you stay on apps constantly looking for these no good dudes.

People don't spend enough time looking at their own insides and too much time looking at other people's outsides.

While most of us would love to have a Ferrari, Lamborghini, Tesla, etc... Most of us are in Toyotas, Chevrolets, and fords. Any car can get you where you are trying to go but of you and only looking for the high ends (high end being whatever the high end for you is... Looks, money, level of success, body, sexual availability etc) and not being satisfied with what actually works and is compatible and able to take some compromise on shortcomings, you will always be walking. The trifecta will keep you lonely if what you really want is someone to give a s#!+ about you and care about you when it counts. Mofos turning in the towel talking about saving money for escorts when they get old. The phuq?

We should not feel down on ourselves because we are carrying a little gut, ain't no booty, package is less than average, dark when he wants light, light when he wants dark and every combination and permutation in betwixt. If mofos can not accept you for who you are then screw them. Clearly we are better off without them anyway so don't worry about them hoes.

 

I feel u, but I wouldnt be myself if I didnt call a spade a spade. Most men dont have a chance w the Boris, Tyson, and Omaris, just based on realistic odds. Not to say that it cant happen, but...

These men all have careers based on their physical beauty, and they came at a time when that was a legit way into Hollywood. Now u have all of these dudes on ig trying to follow suit, when thats not how the game works anymore.

I say that to point out the fact that the avg gay man doesnt have a chance w them, any more than my avg str8 cousin has a shot w Halle Berry. Its just what it is. And its ok.

The problem comes into play when gay men cant get to know whats good and great about the guy standing right next to them, becus theyre too busy trying to bag the dude from IG.

Def not saying looks are defining factors in all cases, not by any means. Some ppl might think Im crazy for being genuinely attracted to Nev, lol, but the best part of that is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I just dont think it helps to lose the grip on reality, which ppl, gays included, can do sometimes.

 

This. If by coupling up for appearance sake, it stands to reason that guys rated 8-10 will not have time for guys 7 and below.
Look at the Hot Gay Dads, the love and hip hop dudes, Juan and Gee.... They are pretty much mated on the equal levels of attraction, at least physically.

 

Sheeeeyet, what extra money YOU got? LOL Maybe that's my issue, I don't have the disposable income (I help family out financially quite regularly) to spend on fancy gear and shoes, consistent haircuts and in between lineups, and unnecessary electronics and accessories so I just come off looking like a regular ol' "fuk it" str8 dude (that combined with my oh so approachable expression). LOL