CA Podcast #53 - The "I'm Just Not That Into You" Episode

I've met some of these elusive "straight" gay men. They've tended to be on the DL and I initially met them for hooking up, neither of which seem ideal for those primarily seeking dating and relationships.

Some were more talkative than others and we got to know one another a bit while messing around. I think our lack of investment in one another or the situation allowed us to easily talk without first date awkwardness and occasionally we realize that, hey, we actually wouldn't mind hanging out. Some even seemed open to forming some kind of relationship, though a number of them likely wouldn't use relationship terminology and just call me a friend, homeboy, chill partna, their dude or some other unofficial, noncommittal term.

But yeah, a lot, if not most, people seem to be somewhat awkward and uncomfortable during dates. Maybe it's like a stressful audition and they're tired of searching and "auditioning" (which may be a problem in itself, if a date puts lots of effort into presenting themselves in a certain manner rather than just being themselves) for potential mates. Surely there are a few men of substance out there who are comfortable with themselves and able to hold a decent conversation with a date, though dating misadventures may make them seem like an endangered species. They might be the type of people who aren't easily found or aren't putting themselves out there because dating isn't one of their priorities.

 

All I was really saying is you are not going to meet gay men of any kind really if you are hanging around with straight people all the time. If you want to meet any type of gay people IRL without going through the apps and services you have to hang around gay people. If you can find masc gays to hang with, they may lead you to other gay masc guys. If you go on a date with a masc gay guy and like him but there is no spark, see if you have what it takes together to be friends-he may lead you as a friend to other gay masc guys-including the types who are not putting themselves out there that much for whatever reason.

Maybe it is different now, maybe it is different for black gays, I don't know...but that is how it used to be. You met people through other people. But you had to get out there and initially meet gay people somewhere somehow. Maybe there are just fewer 'regular guy' gays? I met a variety of gay guys this way of all kinds, but there were plenty who were at least somewhat masculine. And it did not seem like I was trying(and failing) to find a unicorn or something.

I was mostly just joking with that post, but really, how many gay guys are you going to meet from hanging with straight guys? Not that there is anything wrong with hanging with straight guys. But if you are wanting to meet gay guys and maybe date gay guys to maybe find that right masc gay guy, straight guys are not going to lead to that generally.

I think it is harder now because people don't 'hang around' with eachother as much, many are on the apps, etc.? much more of a 'downlow' segment to have to deal with? I don't know. It just seems like hanging with straight guys and wishing they were gay/you could find gay guys like them is like trying to get somewhere by flying in a circle-you are going to end up in the same place when it is all said and done.

 

these dudes are entertaining to listen to, but what gets me after listening to many of their podcast is that they act as if they are best representative of black gay life.

 

They arent trying to be representatives. As either the both of them being gay or bisexual, they can only give their eclectic perspective on things just like anyone else. As journalists, there is a sense you might see it they are proclaiming to be representatives, but that is not the case.

 

"...they act as if they are best representative of black gay life"

Actually its the opposite. We repeatedly say (even in this podcast) that we feel like aliens in the black gay community. We def don't "fit in" nor do we represent the masses (which is why we started the site).

 

My first thought was, since we would be trapped in the car for a number of hours and all shared a passion for "Star Wars," to record a podcast in which we discussed our hopes and fears about the sequel on the way up, and then gave our reactions to "Episode VII" on the way down.

 

Wow, this was one of the quirkiest podcasts in a while. I only finished listening to it this morning (BTW, you gotta do these more often, how else am I gonna get through my morning workouts?).
I spent the month of April in Europe, catching up with old friends, family, seeing some new places and enjoying being away from the political scene here. I appreciated the discussion of travel and the way it can shape us. I spent most of the 1970s outside the US (France, Nigeria, England) and I have often thought that if I had to miss a decade here, I chose widely. No doubt that this experience changed my outlook on the world but more importantly on the US. It also changed my perception of the work I did and wanted to do.
Nonetheless, traveling overseas is expensive, especially today, so I think that downplaying travel within the US is wrongheaded. This is a big country, a diverse society. You don't have to go too far to be somewhere that will give you a different outlook. Why have folks on the high plains of the Dakotas moved so far to the right in the last decade? What has their experience in a place that increasingly feels isolated from either coast meant to their worldview? What is it about the urban northeast that makes it seem so worldly to people from other parts of the country? We have a lot to learn about the current political mess by spending time in those regions that are so different from our own. The issue for me is getting away, even for a short time, from folks whose experience and environment is the same as our own. And you don't need a passport.
Of course, if you have one and have the means, use the passport too.

As for dating, I feel Nick's pain. Sometimes, most times, it is really hard work and at the end of the day, or night, you have to wonder whether it was worth it. I do appreciate Ocky's suggestions for conversations and I will definitely bring up the event horizon on my next date and see how it works.

 

I'm late to reply but see, this is the type of straight folks I need to be around. If we keep everything kosher and act like regular people, there wouldn't be any issues. I don't have time for the dudes that wanna tip toe around you and minimize eye contact like I'm gonna pass the gay along. get the fck out of here.

 

Wonderful! I have missed you! I m so looking forward to hearing you both together again next episode.

 

Well, I tried the 'event horizon' line and it fell flat - sort of a conversational black hole, not a wormhole that took us through to a new galaxy, but it was worth a try and overall the date was pretty good.

 

I agree with you

 

All of this is why you are THE PRINCE of Cypher and cool as fu@k!
Gay dudes would always ask about my vacations and comment on how boring it sounded because I wasn't hitting clubs and gay spots or staying in gay locations...to each his own, not my scene.
All of the places you'd have no problem going to are the places that I definitely have done and will do at some point.

 

^^How did I miss his post the first time?

 

I'm lovin'...EH..VER..REE..THING, in this comment, bruh!!

 

Like everyone else, gotta co-sign @ControlledXaos

Yeah, we need to get out of the tired, bougie black travel destinations. After reading @BlackguyExecutive's post on "boss traveling," the places I go when I return to overseas traveling in the next couple of years are going to be places to make new friendships AND MAKE MONEY. The morning President Obama normalized trade with Cuba, I filed the outside activity form with my government ethics office. When I was stationed in Kuwait, I met staff of one of the crown princes; they wanted to do business with Americans, even black Americans, if you were about something (there were quite a few American brothers positively portrayed on their billboards, which surprised me). Rwanda? You don't see the BET crowd talk about it, but those folk have created a little tech miracle in their tiny, landlocked, hilly nation. To hell with the childis, gay conspicuous consumption crap ("Ooo, I'm shopping in Paris"). Don't just travel like a boss, trade and own an international business and BE a boss!

Keep working that mortgage program, bruh! 300k miles? Sure you right! Cubans got 50-year-old shit with 1 million miles still running.

"Your car might be old, but remember it never failed to get you where you had to go"

"When I pass by, the people all laugh, cause they know it ain't got much gas / But I don't care what the people may say, I ain't got no note to pay!"

 

This looks like an interesting documentary. LOL @ the opening clip of the Black Friday mob. That shit is ridiculous and embarrassing lol!

 

I listened to this podcast while I was at work today and it got to a point where I had to take notes in my phone of which topics I had comments about LOL. There were so many things discussed, but I'll pick a couple for now.

I think it was Nick who made a comment that men over 35 are boring because the convo sucks. Mind you I'm in my 20's still (for another year) and I tend to like guys close to my age, but I have dealt with older and I've dealt with younger. Older men are definitely NOT boring when it comes to convo. In fact, they are much better at conversation than younger guys. Now--older men may be a little corny, LOL, but not boring--in terms of convo.

Nick was talking about his "dates" with heterosexual men and how they have more substance than his dates with homosexual men. He made a statement about the fact that there is always some type of unspoken sexual undertone (forgot which word he used) when on a date with a gay guy. I get what your saying as far as conversation, but keep in mind that the str8 dudes don't want to sleep with you. Think about the interaction that those same dudes may have if they were on a date with a woman. The conversation may still be great, but there also may be a sexual undertone--granted that they were both attracted to each other. Sidenote, I know a lot of women who have met their male friends from "the gay (or not so gay in this case) handshake."

I've been listening to you guys for less than a week now and I've already noticed that both of you are pretty hard on homosexual men--most specifically, men who have more feminine qualities than you guys may have.

I understand it because I feel the same way a lot of times as far as the "stereotypes." But understand that there is a difference in being more feminine vs being flamboyant. Overly masculine guys can be just as "flamboyant" as feminine men. For example, I prefer masculine guys but I noticed that men who are overly masculine sometimes turn me off. Sometimes it seems like an act..like they're just doing too much. Same thing with fem guys--overly fem guys turn me completely off because they are just doing too much.

It's tough though because there is so much social pressure that is placed on men--multiply that by 10 for black men.

I have so many thoughts one what you guys talk about on the podcasts, and I'm trying to remember everything but I can't. Plus I don't want to be too long-winded in one post lol.