Dating Guys That Aren't As "Not Gay" As You Prefer

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Sean, Feb 16, 2016.

  1. Sean

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    I'm curious to know if any of you have ever dated a guy that seemed almost perfect, but just had one or two things or ways about them that you just couldn't get over. There's one guy I was dating that would be ideal, but I put him in the friend box pretty quickly. Why? He has the voice. lol. I knew it within moments of us sitting down at the bar we initially met at, but kept going out with him cuz he is mad cool and I really have a good time with him. (We haven't had sex, but have been intimate and the head skills are lacking, so that alone is potentially an issue. lol)

    Then there's another guy I dated. This was basically one of those guys that always knew he was gay, but was a jock all his life. Looking at him, he's all dude. Nice worked out legs and booty, goatee, swag and all. He's into guy stuff...sports, cars, games, etc., but he's also one of those types that became very comfortable with his sexuality and just kinda "lets his hair down" sometimes. He says "chiiiiile," in a high voice but his voice is deep. And speaking of voice, he has a touch of the voice too that comes out more strongly at times. And I picked up on excessive hand gesturing during conversation.

    I kinda feel bad, because I'm not one to discriminate or be superficial and all. But is it ok to just prefer that a dude talks like a "regular" dude and not have the urge to "queen" out? What is an acceptable level of "gay" that you could deal with before its a dealbreaker?
     
  2. Kouncelor

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    I understand. Attraction is more than physical. Voice, mannerism, etc.. and impact your attractiveness.

    There was a guy i dated for a minute... nice guy and what I would call naturally feminine.. not queenie. Among other issues, what was problematic to me was the fact that when he drank, he loudly referred himself as a girl ("This Girl...." or "this Bish"). Sorry, no, not sorry. I am dating a man. not a girl or a man who refers to his man-parts as p*ssy or cl*t.

    I actually do not think it is discriminating. In my opinion (MY opinion), a lot of that behavior is LEARNED behavior.. that queenieness. it's one thing to be feminine, but the 'Guuuuurl' and "Chiiiile" stuff is just being a queen. Folks are NOT born acting like that.

    For some reason, when some men come out and get comfortable like that, they sometimes adapt "common gay" behaviors. If you get the chance, check out "Do I Sound Gay" on Netflix. it talks about that nasal speech tone that "particular" gay men adapt to:
     
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  3. Dante

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    @Kouncelor I concur. Everything that defines those type of gay men only helps add fuel to the stigma attached to any man being sexually attracted to another man. It's truly a problem. You can be sexually attracted to another man as a man and still be a man. But those gay men make it easy for the heteronormative to feel otherwise.
     
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  5. Dante

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  7. Jai

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    I don't mind a little as long as they don't get all Queen of England on me. I do detest Gurl and Chile..etc if it's girly and excessive.

    I caught one guy in the act. I was with this lesbian friend and she said she had a "brother". When I met him, he came to the LGBT club event with a bag of condoms, make-up and was s bit out there.

    Well I remember we all went out (though I was hesitant) I did promise one of my friends I'd tag along after the event.

    On the way there, he called one of his friends, which happened to be a guy was chatting with on Jackd but the guy didnt know it was me but I saw the image cuz he was doung facetime or whatever that app is called. He put the boy on speaker and when I tell you the Queen of Hearts was pulled from the deck.....All I heard were words like Guurll, Hunty, Sista, Whaaaaat (in Wendy Williams voice).

    The look on my face was something from the Twilight Zone. I was very turned off and possibly suffered loss of brain cells trying yo comprehend all of it.
     
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  8. ColumbusGuy

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    If I was dating/younger, I would be open to inbetween guys and even effeminate guys. It is not necessarily effeminacy that gets me. I have met effeminate men who I would consider to be dignified and admirable, even some who I would say would qualify as the strong and silent type. I could deal with a little lisp or a few extra hand gestures if the guy had many good qualities. When it comes to attraction I have a wide variety that I could at least consider attractive, I always have and I am grateful for that

    It is the behavior that at least seems to often go along with the effeminacy that I don't like. The extra-ness. The cattyness. The attention whoring, the extreme outright dramatic girlishness is a sign to run away! run away! It is not attractive at all. I understand these guys are probably hurt, but it is a problem when they project that hurt onto others and everyone in these ways.

    If 'Living in your Truth' is about being catty, nasty, attention-whoring, lying, treacherous. constantly involved in drama, twirling your hands in everyone's faces like an out of control teenage girl, causing scenes and taking the worst that femininity has to offer and wearing it proudly like a badge of honor, then I don't want any part of your 'truth.
     
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  9. questforknowledge

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    Dude I know exactly what you are talking about. I think this is one of the main reasons why I'm still single lol. I'm so critical about a guys voice and his mannerisms. I hate this about me, I try not to let it bother me, but it does lol. It really is a turn off for me when I get a fem vibe in their voice, mannerisms, or just how they carry themselves in general. And it really sucks when you see this in a guy that otherwise you are attracted to. I hate it when that crap happens.
     
  10. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I think it's kind of silly to not want to be with someone based on 1 or two precieved flaws least of all ones that don't really matter nor can they control. I believe we are the only culture in which we believe someone can be too much of who they are. That persons too black, too gay, too short, too tall, too skinny, too fat, too light, too dark etc all things people seem to use to cancel out otherwise great people then wonder why all they can get is a nut or a wet ass but can't seem to get love and commitment. I'm all for having standards but people have the prioritization of their standards fucked up.
     
    #10 NickAuzenneNOLA, Feb 18, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2016
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  11. ColumbusGuy

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    Not only is the 'laundry list' too long, too restrictive, and too detailed, but as you pointed out, the priorities are often messed up. Plus I understand the concept of the dealbreaker, but guys seem to have too many of them.

    With some of these guys and their lists, they have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than finding a good relationship. What is wrong with trying something a little different-you might like it.
     
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  12. Tyroc

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    I feel the Gemini at war within.
    I'm with you both @NickAuzenneNOLA and @ColumbusGuy on people being too caught up in the laundry list of superficial reasons checklist and I do very much agree with trying something different but there is the other side that understands that there is a limit and if you know deep inside that something like a "gay voice" for example, is an absolute deal breaker and there is no getting around it then I think it's smart to not want to waste each other's time if it's more than just a casual date.
     
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  13. DC.

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    He told y'all. I'm just playing. But it's so true though. And I agree with another post earlier about the actions of feminine men really being more a problem. Because from what I've seen most feminine men carry themselves in a theatrical way almost. However one or two things I couldn't see why not to compromise? After all nothing is gonna be perfect
     
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  14. ColumbusGuy

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    Well yes everyone does usually have some dealbreakers and if gay voice is one then so be it. I think when the dealbreaker list gets to be in the dozens and dozens then it might be problematic. Some dealbreakers are very sound to have-habitual lying, habitual cheating, habitual drug use or addiction, etc. being examples that are going to be dealbreakers for most people. Also what is superficial to some is not to others I will admit.

    But when it comes to how a guy eats his french fries(@Nick Delmacy LOL) then it may be an issue.(yeah I know he trashed this site too Nick lol.) I can't get over the infamous french fry thing though- Iaughed so hard at that.
     
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  15. grownman

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    It's hard man. My ex was a complete girl-in every way. Contacts, eyebrows, duffle bag etc. I dealt with it as long as I could. He wasn't that extreme when we met. I mean he was very feminine when we met. But, I tried to look over that because he was/is very attractive, smart, educated etc. It just started to get more and more outrageous and it bothered me.

    One day we were in the parking lot walking to the apartment and he has bag on his shoulders and "switching" those big beautiful hips. I out of nowhere it just really bothered me. I said "can you slow down a bit. It's a lot of twisting going on." Boy, why did I say that..whew. He went in on me once we got into the apartment.

    So, it's hard. You have to know what you are willing to deal with. That was not the primary reason we broke up=but it did play a part.
     
  16. Sean

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    Bruh, you took this to a whole 'nother level. I guess I'm silly for not wanting a dude like this. (This is shit is funny tho.)

     
  17. bpaisle

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    Of course no guy is ever going to be perfect but I definitely think that it's okay to have certain shit that you don't want to deal with. You probably should not have a list but I think that its okay for me to say I don't want a crackhead...
    Ryan-Gosling-Shrug.gif
     
  18. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    What black gay men do you personally know that behave this way? This is clearly an exaggeration and when this sort of selfhood is performed I believe its unfair to lump all fem dudes into that. Flamboyance and femininity are not synonymous! I wish black SGL men would stop conflating the two. Theres many reasons to not want to be with a flamboyant man other than femininity. I stand by what I said and support your right to have your opinion as well.
     
  19. Tyroc

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    I don't know any personally but I do see ones just like or worse than this pretty often in NYC.
    It's not that much of an exaggeration. Maybe geography plays a part in it but it is a thing.
     
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  20. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I understand that it is a thing, Im not debating that. However to make it seem like its so tremendously common when its not is not a good thing. This kind of performance is really not typical in my experience as Ive lived in New Orleans, Atlanta, DC, NYC, Chicago, LA, and Vegas I have seen all sorts of SGL folk and this extreme I have NEVER seen there are versions of this of course but it really isnt as common as we believe we just vilify femininity so it feels like its everywhere.
     
  21. ColumbusGuy

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    I agree it is not tremendously common. But it is out there and I saw this (the really catty, flamboyant, out-there flaming thing) up to 30 years ago-in Columbus Ohio. From both blacks and whites. And I saw it get backlash too, but it did happen. I can remember the guys and the incidents. One of the incidents was on one of our public transit buses in 1986 and was nasty with a near fight-almost WSHH quality shyt- and I have never ridden a bus since-it was that bad...with people throwing things and acting like savages. The guy did not really start it but he threw gas on the flames(no pun intended)once something started. Turned me off of buses here for good. I was learning way back then that flamboyant in-your-face-with-it guys like this can be big trouble and thrive on the drama. I can only think that while it is still not common, it is more common now than it was then.

    I also think that people are allowed to have their dealbreakers- but the more you have and the more common the dealbreakers are, the more consequences you face(harder to find someone to meet the list). And if you have extreme standards and a long laundry list then it really is a bit hypocritical to bytch about not being able to 'find a man' and all. If a guy is going to be really picky for whatever reason, it is going to be harder to find somene ,they should know this, so they should quit whining, ya know?( @Nick Delmacy ) (just kidding!)

    Again as I stated before it is about the behavior that is a turnoff. A very masculine guy who is a bully and an @sshole is going to be as much of a turnoff as a flamboyant messy queen IMO.

    I can't help but really wonder why there are all of these good looking guys on here wanting a relationship but they can't find one?

    Maybe there needs to be a more selective dating site for gay black masculine/masc liking men?
     
  22. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I think that could be a great idea but I would say most all sites that SGL men use are masc/masc leaning or I would even say pretend masc/pretend masc leaning because thats just whats been made to be the top attraction. I'm neither greatly attracted to masculine dudes nor am I unattracted. It depends on how we click. I prefer more effeminate guys or maybe I should say guys that are less masculine than I am as we seem to fit more and its not that power struggle Ive experienced and seen in masc/masc relationships but I'm not completely cut off to the idea.
     
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  23. ColumbusGuy

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    The masculine guy wanting/preferring a less masculine guy does not get discussed here much. I have seen those relationships as well and they seem to work out as well as any other. Actual real life connection is extremely important as you mentioned. You never know who you just might click with. Speaking for myself, most of the guys who I ended up really really liking(including my partner) I did not even like at all when I first met them, and the attraction was something that grew with time and getting to know them.

    Generally we disagreed about some things and then argued/fought about stuff lol. Then over time we eventually agreed on some stuff..and then it was all, 'hey, he is not so bad...'..and it went from there.
     
  24. Sean

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    Do you know what hyperbole is? It's exactly what you said it is, and clearly what this video was, an exaggeration. That was the point. And if you pause for a moment, bro, you will note that this post was not created in ignorance and foolishness, and definitely not to bash or vilify anyone. I joke and kid, but I don't think my post solicited the pious tone we got from your responses.

    My question was is there an acceptable level of gay that a person can handle in a dude. How you responded implies that you would date anyone. Props to you.
     
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  25. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I think most could stand to be as open minded as you bro but I guess because we are such a perception driven people it decides so many things in our lives and many times it handicaps us when perusing loving connections.
     
  26. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I would date "anyone" because I am am not personally moved by how gay or non-gay my partner is? Because I do not consider level of femininity but rather their personhood when dating? Ok well I guess I'll date anything because I just dont think about those things. In my mind there are far more important things to focus on than that. I dont believe I was curt in my tone if so that was not my intention but I'm often taken that way when I speak to my understanding of things so I accept it.
     
  27. ColumbusGuy

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    Well I don't know if it is being open minded really although I appreciate the comment. I think I was simply in situations where I was exposed to different people and had to be around them and I found out that first impressions are not what they seem. I very much disagree with 'first perceptions' although I think most people swear by them. It was this and simply experience.

    Also I mostly just happened to be 'in contact' with what I would call 'regular guy' gays. Not super masculine but not super feminine and instantly clockable(no obvious gay voice,etc) either. I did not go 'the bar/gay social scene' first. I went to where gay men gathered for other reasons. I made friends, did things with them that people do (movies, dinner, even bowling lol etc.) and then they introduced me to the 'gay scene' (I literally had to be dragged into my first gay bar with the heels of my shoes digging into the gravel parking lot) but the bars were 'regular guy' bars as well. I saw the drama with the extra flamboyant types and tended to stay away from them, and to be honest, the super masculine guys were often messed up(closeted, hostile, intimidating, etc) so I kind of avoided the knuckledraggers as well.
     
  28. jusrawb

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    There is nothing wrong with having a preference but I think even the most masculine gay man has certain gay tendencies. So yea I guess there is a level of gayness that one can handle. The person that has the preference shouldn't feel bad for not liking him and the guy with the mannerism shouldn't care because there are some many different types of gay men out there.
     
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  29. Nick Delmacy

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    I'm watching the tone in this thread like:

    [​IMG]

    Keep it civil, fellas...

    [​IMG]
     
  30. Sean

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    I don't believe you were curt either. I believe you were being kinda pious, thus making it really easy for me to be curt in return. But then I would be doing it just because and this isn't that kinda place. lol.
     
  31. mysticalsoul

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    I got the same problem. The voice and hand gesture can be a deal breaker. Can the tone of voice be considered a physical attraction? Communication is important so being attracted to how you talk is very important to me. My preference is masculine. Aint trying to throw no disrespect to dudes that prefer to be fem. My biggest problem is when a dude say they masculine and they know they really not. Just be yourself, just let me know in advance. I can be shallow. Dont judge me
     
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  32. questforknowledge

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    Man this video is so damn hilarious, I've watched it a few times and can't get enough lol. But yea this is a good example of a guy I couldn't date, I'm sorry just not my type.
     
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  33. questforknowledge

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    Yep I've seen guys that act just like how tre melvin did in the skit, you don't have to look too hard if you are in a gay bar or club to find guys like this. But clearly not all feminine dude carry themselves like this.
     
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  34. Tyroc

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    I don't even go to gay bars or clubs and I see it just traveling the trains on my daily commute and frequently at work from "clients" acting out, seeking negative attention.
     
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