Familial (dis)Comfort

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by SB3, Oct 15, 2015.

  1. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    After watching that Iyanla Fix My Life w the gay pastors coming out, I texted my mom expressing how thankful Iwas that I didn't end up in either of those guys' tragic azz shoes.

    I also let her know that my sexuality doesn't ever have to feel like egg shells for her, should she have questions, or whatever.

    And she actually admitted to me that there is an element of 'out of sight, out of mind', since we don't, and haven't lived in the same city since I went to college at 18.

    She admitted that she doesn't know how she'd feel if I brought a guy home, other than being welcoming, as she'd be w any other friends I'd bring.

    This news def took me by surprise, but I guess it's because I never thought about it from her stance, since she never expressed any issues to me. I had to take a step back and think abt the fact that there might be a few more convos to be had in the near future, that I guess, just weren't on my radar.

    So, Im just sharing a lil bit of recent real life, and wondering if anyone has anything to chime in with? Anyone cross that possible hurdle of bringing a man home/difficult convos w the fam/etc?
     
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  2. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    It takes time. My partner and I's moms are cool and you may already know the four of us took a trip together this year. My moms and I have had LONG talks over the years. Still people (including our mothers) have their own opinions and views. Deep down I know my mom still feels its a sin and I'm going to hell. I'm still thankful for our relationship.
     
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  3. Dante

    Dante https://www.gofundme.com/qv7v5dw
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    I never was able to see the day for that to be possible. During my younger adult years, I was thotting and there was no need to bring anyone home. But I knew that my mother senses with her motherly wit that I was fooling around.

    I really love your testimony. Love and embrace your parents while they are still here. #Grateful #Thankful
     
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  4. African King

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    You're so lucky. I can only imagine the homophobic slurs that my parents would be slinging with their words at the TV. It has been on my mind to come out this year. I can tell that I sometimes feel like I am tired of hiding and I just want people to know. But I am scared of course.

    I am happy that I have never faked one relationship in life and I at least got involved with work and extracurricular activities. I always kept myself busy.

    I know my parents always wanted me to bring home a Nigerian woman. I wonder how they'd feel if I brought home a Nigerian man... would that make things just a LITTLE bit better as far as their homophobia? Lol.
     
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  5. G Ron

    G Ron Undercover superhero

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    I brought my partner to my parents' home one Christmas (we all live in the same city, so this was just a visit of a few hours, not overnight or several days long). My mother, as always, was welcoming and charming, but my father (who is not a nice person in general, which is why he and I are not close) left the room when my partner walked in. However, far from being a problem, my father's leaving was a relief to everyone there: we were able to have a good time after that. I've always felt that, if my father can't behave, then it's best if he leaves- that way I don't have to get involved in an ugly confrontation (which would have happened had my father been disrespectful to me or my partner). After that, my family and I were able to enjoy ourselves, without my father's negativity. No one else had a problem with my partner or our relationship, other than my father- not my mother or my siblings- so it was better for the one person who did, to remove himself.


    By the way, when my partner and I broke up some time later, I didn't tell my mother because I just couldn't break the news to her. However, she eventually figured it out when she noticed I had stopped talking about him. She asked me point-blank if we had broken up, so I had to come clean. So I guess that would qualify as a difficult conversation LOL
     
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  6. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    I think the weirdest part was that I eventually told her that my ex of many years (who she loved, and knew of as my super bff of many suspect ass years) was indeed my ex, and I kinda just figured that was enough to make sense of it all. Like, u liked that loser, so wash, rinse, and repeat. Lol
     
    #6 SB3, Oct 15, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2015
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  7. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    I know you often say how u wana be financially independent before u tell ur parents, but remember that u can live ur life, w/o them knowing everything..ijs
     
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  8. African King

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    Very true @SB3 but I guess I don't know how to. I don't have a blueprint. Does "living my life" mean coming out to my classmates in graduate school? Going out to more gay clubs/bars? FINALLY having sex? Try to start dating? I think it was when I was ATL with some of the other Cypher Avenue people (site names: ace of hearts, @lyriq88 , @tigerbreaux , @GeePee , @Michael ) when I said how I feel like my whole life I've been a machine. Just putting aside my emotions and desires towards focusing on work, school, extracurriculars, etc.

    Right now I am focused on my career but then some of the other guys say that I can get out there and "live". Sometimes it is like... what does that mean exactly? I know I sound crazy lol.
     
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  9. SB3

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    Trust, career focus is obviously a no brainer! It's just that a social life can coexist w school. Managing different aspects of life is also an important skill to have. You just might not wanna be 30 w the social variety skills and experiences of the 21 yr olds who are also just coming out. Ur gonna wanna also socially 'fit in' w your own peers.

    Little things like, who to come out to, and when, will just make more sense as you continue to build a social life, which also includes dating.
     
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  10. African King

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    Thanks Wise One. ;-)

    I know I have to get better at BALANCE.
     
  11. SB3

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    Ijs, if u keep waiting until the right time for everything, it'll never come
     
  12. cypher21

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    Lol that cracked me up for some reason! You're so funny!!!

    [​IMG]

    But yeah my mom is the only one that knows so far (others probably suspect since I've never had a girlfriend) and sometimes she'll say things that make me wonder if she forgets I'm gay or...what idk lol! I'm thinking I will definitely have to have further talks with her about it.
     
  13. SB3

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    No, I didn't know that you guys went on that trip, but that had to make for an interesting dynamic lol. But thats cool that you and your mom have that good line of communication, regardless of her personal (black mama) feelings lol
     
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  14. African King

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    Yeah a guy I was getting to know out here was telling me the same thing. We met at the Pride Center Florida. Cool Jamaican/Costa Rican guy. I just want to make sure I pass these DIFFICULT courses. I guess I need to figure out some way to have a social life. I just am not the biggest fan of the club or these ratchet apps.
     
  15. Cyrus-Brooks

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    I've learned to keep my family separate from my intimate life. My mom has met my partner while she is polite I know she may still may be uncomfortable. To avoid the drama I basically keep her outta the loop most of the time. I've also severed contact with homophobic extended family members. It's just so much easier to just avoid the hassle.
     
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  16. acessential

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    I decided to test my mom by asking if I could bring my boyfriend over when I was 15. My sisters brought their boyfriends over and she never objected, so I wanted to see what would happen. She said yes and when he finally came over, I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable. We weren't doing anything. Just watching tv in the living room. She's gotten a lot better though. Most recently she kept asking if I was going to marry the guy I was talking to. We weren't even that serious, so of course the answer was no, but it's nice to see her progress. It just takes time.
     
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  17. redsai84

    redsai84 For the night is dark and full of terrors.
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    kinda in the same boat i want to tell them but i know how they feel about it. the older i get the less i care and will tell out side ppl if they ask and if i think its there business. but as far as fam deep down i don't want them to feel that way about me. cuz i know how they feel about it.
     
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