Fucking on the First Night -- Still a Future?

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by machoBLKnerd, Sep 5, 2018.

  1. machoBLKnerd

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    i met a dude off jack'd and we hit it off immediately after chatting on the app for a week. we had one of the best dates i've ever had (though admittedly i've been on very few dates with men). we spent 6-7 hours together that evening. the next day, he invited me over and cooked. long story short, we slept together.

    i've shared in other threads that i struggle with bucking some heteronormative norms. one of the ideas i still maintain in some form is the concept of being easy and judging dates for it and, thus, losing interest. i've worked through many of said norms, but it's an ongoing process to shift one's cultural attitudes. the date has great "on paper" qualities, is very attractive and our personalities seem to gel very well. at the same time, i haven't been able to take anyone seriously who slept with me so soon in the past. now i'm at a crossroads.

    questions:
    • have you ever slept with anyone on the first night or very early in getting to know each other, and still formed a lasting and substantive romantic relationship afterwards? anything is possible, but do you think it's a likely proposition?
    • do you believe men can be "easy"? if you were honest, do you judge others for sleeping with you too early? do you treat them differently (i.e., lose interest)?
    • do you make dudes "wait" and, if so, how long? do you like when dates make you wait?
    [note: i already understand, intellectually, that it's silly to judge others for doing something you're doing with them].
     
    #1 machoBLKnerd, Sep 5, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
  2. ControlledXaos

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    I was with my second bf for about 1.5 years and we definitely got it in on day 1. I was in college and skipped class the next day. That verse sex is the best sex. Anyway we broke up. I got him back and stole him from his other bf. We were really sexually compatible and sometimes that just can't be denied.

    Yes, men are easy in that we don't have much to risk other than an sti from hookups. There's never the burden of getting pregnant in the backs of our minds. Besides men are applauded for body counts.

    I don't judge other guys bc most of us have Hoe Phases. It is what it is. We also get dry spells or choose not to hook up. Chaise Shaming isn't as bad as Slut Shaming but it's a thing too and there's nothing wrong with people who decide to not hop into bed with everyone. For many its a way of filtering out guys who want you for you and less risk for any stds.

    I was at a point when I was in Mississippi where I did want to wait a few months before we went pull penetration but I was OK with other stuff. Now I'm more of the If I'm Into You, it's OK for me to be IN to you and vice versa. In end it's not going to change the relationships course, however be honest if it's just a screw and not something that could lead to more. I think when we don't talk about intentions that's when butt hurt happens.
     
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  3. Mrmack8913

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    The first question is interesting. I've never had an actual boyfriend. And I've also slept with my fair share of guys on first meet. Maybe there is a correlation then again I only came out 2 years ago so dating has been a whirlwind. So the answer is no for me.

    Men are easy as hell lol. Like its been mentioned we cant get pregnant so aside from STI's nothing stops a man from thottin.

    And waiting is ridiculous so no. Alot of these rules are jus made to oppress and control women. So when applied to gay men things get messy and problematic. Now if we wanna talk about how bottoms are slut shamed especially on the first night that's a more intriguing convo.
     
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  4. Dean

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    yes i've had the first night hookup but I don't recommend them(had a slight stalker problem). Dudes are easy but i think its cool to wait to feel them out and make sure they are worth adding to your body count.
     
  5. Omega Level

    Omega Level DRACARYS
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    I will answer your questions in regards to my personal experience and opinion in the order you gave them

    • Yes I have both "slept" with someone on the first night as well as had sex with someone early on in the getting to know phase. (side note - im laughing you said SLEPT WITH... talking about heteronormative language. lol) Something substantial formed with one. A 3 year relationship. With the other, nothing substantial. Mainly because I wasn't interested. So it can go either way.

    • Yes men can be easy. And I thank GOD for that. :franko1: Seriously though, if I would pass any judgement on men having sex with me early, it would be a favorable judgement. I like men who are decisive and go for it. Especially sexually.

    • I dont make dudes wait. But im not aggressively eager either. I go with the flow and vibe. Usually if im getting to know someone one of the main interest is indeed sexual attraction so it can be evident of the first date. I would prefer dudes not make me wait, but its not mandatory for him to want to have sex on day 1. However, personally for me its a turn off if he plays coy for too long. Like he's some school girl saving it until I say I love him. Dude im sooo good on you with that shit. I would be willing to acquiesce sex if we are really vibing, but only until about the 3rd or 4th date.

    All in all you have to find the dude that matches your sexual personality and the additional things if a relationship is pursued. I have a very sex positive personality. I dont mind talking about it, I see no shame in it, and I dont judge others sexual taste, opinions, or fetishes. Me being with someone who is a bit up tight about sex wouldn't be a match. So try to become more self aware of your feelings on sex and what you would desire. Its ok to want someone more conservative if thats what you are.
     
    #5 Omega Level, Sep 6, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2018
  6. ControlledXaos

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  7. machoBLKnerd

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    based on everyone's comments, i sense i should clarify what i mean by judgment. i don't simply mean hoe-ish vs chaste although that logic is mixed in a bit too.

    for me, a pattern of early sex raises questions about:

    1. emotional baggage: in theory i believe in sex positivity. at the same time, we also accumulate baggage and entanglements over time while moving from date to date, especially if sex was involved. a lot of the issues in blk gay dating, even btwn two so-called good dudes, emerge simply from the weight of harboring so many entanglements that filter into new interactions.

    2. exclusivity: it may be silly but it's nice to be with someone who maintains a certain mystery or exclusivity. while obviously the most important part of a relationship is your private connection, a huge component of a relationship is the public aspect. i'd be dishonest if i said i'd be cool with being at an event with my dude and we see 5 niggas there who smashed him. he'd be off too cause the truth is that we're different when we're around ppl who've seen us naked or vulnerable, even when we claim #imgood or #unbothered.

    @Omega Level from here down responds to some of your points

    3. avoiding reality: b/c sex is always the easiest choice, i don't necessarily find wanting to have sex early to be an indicator of decisiveness. in fact, sex often functions as a way to circumvent true feelings -- i.e., when a dude desires actual intimacy but of course can't admit that to himself or you. so yall fuck instead. i also find that many men are communicative and perhaps decisive around wanting to have sex but otherwise pretty meek in most areas of their lives beyond the bedroom, including in their relationships.

    one of the things i've experienced often is months into knowing dudes, for example, they tell me smthng like: "i feel comfortable around you now" (aka being open). i'm thinking, bruh what have you been doing all this time? i've had you in all kinds of compromising positions, legs on my shoulders for months and you just NOW starting to feel like you can be yourself and not be so guarded? uhm ok i guess.

    p.s. -- i don't find "sleep with" a heteronormative phrase at all. old-school or outdated maybe lol but it's pretty gender/sexuality neutral since all sexual partners sleep together. gays shouldn't feel othered or pathologized by this phrase.
     
    #7 machoBLKnerd, Sep 9, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2018
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  8. Mrmack8913

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    Love the points u brought up.

    For emotional baggage you honestly got me thinking. I usually dont take into account hookups but I guess they do leave their own mark even if it's nothing serious. I would say the number of entanglements isn't so much the issue but rather how u process them. A guy could have a small amount of baggage but still be hindered if say he has issues moving on rather than someone with way more entanglements but can process how to learn from them.

    Exclusivity is great in theory but in reality a dream at best. Due to the numbers game the event situation is so common in our community and thusly causes many funny/awkward/tense situations. Everything changes when you see someone's O face and it colors so many facets of gay interactions. The unbothered mindset is a defense mechanism for that. Rather than process through such a weird mix of emotions guys default into not caring because it's easy. I was on a date with a guy once who mentioned seeing his ex-BF and a random hookup together as a couple at the liquor store. He immediately follows by saying I dont care its whatever. But in my head I'm like then why bring it up?

    Your third point is spot on. Sometimes it really is so much easier to fuck rather than deal. As far as dudes getting comfortable that's 2 fold. Since we compartmentalize so well, a guy and totally buss it open for months but still not open up otherwise. Hell I'm way more open and aggressive in the bedroom vs. Outside it. Most people show a different side of themselves in bed. I definitely do. And also I once read that men can have sex with someone they dont like and woman dont. I honestly agree. Add that to the fact gay socialization and its the perfect storm. Shit I have a fuckbuddy now who is so standoffish and aloof acting but in bed we have awesome chemistry. He comes off kinda stank but the sex is good. Maybe he'll become more comfortable but if not oh well lol.
     
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  9. bpaisle

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    I've definitely had first date hook ups. None of those have turned into relationships. I think whether or not a lasting relationship forms after this definitely depends on the mindset of the people. If you believe in the stigma of "being easy" and judging one based on having had sex after one date, then you likely would not take the person seriously and be interested in starting anything with them. On the other hand, if you are a little open, then the possibility is definitely there to have a lasting relationship.
    I definitely don't judge others for sleeping with me too early. If the attraction is there and we're down then I don't really see the issue.
     
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  10. SB3

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    In theory, this should be no big deal in a time when there are apps and sites for ppl to meet just for sex. However, this level of access has greatly reduced ppls interest in, well,...people. I say your genuine interest in getting to know each other just needs to be blatantly clear before sex. Sex changes things, so it's helpful to have some sort of overall clarity to draw from.
     
  11. DiamondKesawn

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    I think that waiting is something that is a great thought, however, in real life as an adult if you choose to buss it down on night one so be it.

    I think that we as a society care to much about what others may think or how they ay perceive if. If two consenting adults choose to get down on night 1, who is anyone except my Grandmother, to judge. LoL!

    Men can be easy. I am easy. And, i have no problem with it. LoL! No, in all seriousness, easy is a choose. However, i don't feel it is a shame label as it use to be.
     
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