The single-most common article I see when perusing LGBT sites, although few cater to the BLACK perspective exclusively, are articles that claim to instruct bottoms on how they can be better partners in life and the bedroom.
With headlines claiming that inside said article is all you need to know about being a bottom and you must read it in order to keep your man satisfied and various other heteronormative BS ideals we tend to internalize all too often as same gender loving folk yada yada yada.
What I notice is that much like with women the onus is always put on the bottom to perform right or lose. Fuck when we want, cook when we want what we want, spend their money on us, be like a homie but also be our bitch, don't be too masculine but don't be too feminine either. With constraints like those no wonder bottoms are confused about our needs as tops and often internalize a lower self value because they feel they can never measure up, a fact I believe we enjoy the benefits of as tops.
As long as we are in demand many of us feel that bottoms are replaceable even for the simplest of perceived flaws. Many often hop from one to another because the options are plenty and if you don't do exactly as we demand someone else will. It's a bit of a power trip in conjunction with something we all can be accused of at some point in our journeys, believing that the grass is greener on the other side.
With all that being said I've decided I'll start putting together articles addressing my brothers in "toptivity" in hopes that we can point the lens inward and start to do our part, work out some of our insecurities, and be better life and bedroom partners to the men we cherish.
I'd like this post to serve as a thread where tops and bottoms can post their ideals, how they view themselves at this moment and what they believe they can do to improve not only the kind of man they are but the kind of partner as well.
Don't worry verse bros you aren't left out! In fact I believe you all have a unique perspective to add to this conversation because of your duality. Please feel free to share as well!
Best Posts in Thread: How to be a better Top?
Question... Why does a sexual role end up determining who one is to the other person in a relationship in the first place? I think if you come into a relationship thinking you are just providing diçk or a$$ then that's all you will ever be to that person.
Is the problem being gay men having difficulties navigating the relationship dynamic between masculine and feminine or the dichotomies of men who may lean more to the submissive/dominant side than the other, when they actually flip between those sides of their personalities?
I'm just not understanding why a bottom should automatically be the one cooking the food be it because they are sexually submissive or more feminine leaning or that a top should be some personality or emotions free neanderthal who just penetrates and gobbles up the big peices of chicken.
In my past relationships, I have always known that I needed to give who I was with their space when they needed to Man Out. And that same courtesy was given to me when I needed it. Man Out, space, on the rag etc... Whatever you want to call it...
For me it was when I needed to be more dominant for whatever reason. This was my experience dating masculine guys. I knew when he needed to be The Man or have his man time.
Unfortunately I can't give specific examples. For me it was more a feeling than anything. It wasn't related to the bedroom. I could be moody because someone pissed me off at work, lost on a video game, my cheesecake cracked in the oven.... I just knew when I needed that moment.
This may not be the same thing that you are trying to talk about in this thread but to me, the OP sounds more like an issue of relationship dynamics than sexual roles.
I think Tops can learn to be better tops but trying to bottom. You learn a whole lot of what not to do or what doesn't feel right when someone shoves their inadequately lubed penis in your nether region. Just my opinion. I consider myself Mostly Top but Sometimes Bottom.
I've got some tips.
1.) Catering is two-way street. Give a massage, be romantic and attentive, flirt often, compliment often, and go on dates often (do not just stay in the house.)
2.) You can cook too, we all have stomachs that need to be filled.
3.) "Prep" takes tops two minutes. A quick bird bath and you're good. Please respect the time difference and do not expect us to"be ready at all times".
4.) You should always go see the bottom unless they offer to come to you. Going back to point #3, prepping takes time. Requiring us to "clean", travel, take care of you, then go home while you just lay in bed all day and night is not really 50/50.
5.) You're naturally attracted to butts, yes, but be respectful enough to stare when you're not around your partner/FWB/BF/etc.
6.) YOU provide the materials (condoms, lube, etc.) Yes, bottoms should have them on hand just in case, but a top not having one makes them look irresponsible and slutty. It also makes a bottom feel like they are easy and possibly open to the idea of a raw interaction.
Good Topping: (And do use protection*)
1. Attending to the whole body - kissing all over, grabbing, nipping
2. Teasing - creating sexual anticipation; tease the hole; after going at it for a bit, pull out and tease the hole. Make us want you.
3. Holding and looking your partner in the eye - lovemaking > sex
4. Whisper Sweet Nothings - "You make me feel so good." "I love when you do that with your tongue" "I just wanna stay like this forever"
5. Communicating - "You like this position bae?" "Do you need more lube?"
6. Lose Your Hard-on? - Tell us what we can do to help. How can we turn you on? Should we suck it? Should we kiss and nip all over your body? Hold you? Wait a bit? Bring out the porn? Just wait for another time?
7. Remain calm if we have an accident down there - this is embarrassing but normal. Bear with us. This could be easily cleaned up or it could create a break from sex for a few minutes. Either way, the respectful thing to do is to wait or even offer to help us clean ourselves.
8. Make sure both you and your partner orgasms. (didn't know if that other word was permitted)
9. Clean up and cuddle. (I prefer this order but it can be swapped)
10. Talk about how the sex was great, how you loved it, which part was your favorite, what could be done better, and ask him his favorite, and what could be done better.
Bonus: Try to make getting out of your clothes a sexy ritual. Strip your lover and do it slowly. Build that anticipation with foreplay.
*condoms come in several styles and flavors. The customizing or changing of the type of condom you use can make the sex better or add to it.
Also notice how everything except #6 and #7 can be applied to bottoms.