I have Borderline Personality Disorder

Discussion in 'Mental, Medical and Sexual Health' started by Boaxy, Dec 28, 2017.

  1. Boaxy

    Boaxy SO FIERCE
    The 100 Daps Club

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    Intro


    I wanted to share this, because I haven't been truthful with you guys at all. The charade is up, and I have to stop bullshitting.

    I wouldn't feel comfortable or happy if I didn't do this. Now is the right time. I feel I owe it to myself to be honest and truthful with this.

    Going into 2018, I just think it's time this came out.

    I'm doing this because I been here for quite a while, and this is a big part of my life, and something I don't think I should keep hidden or secret, or deny or shun.

    Despite the fact that it was only a few weeks ago that I admitted this to myself. I think that's the main thing. Which is what this is as well. I admitting this to myself for public record on this forum.

    So with that, I guess I will start.

    I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

    I will get to what that means in a bit, for people who do not know, or are unaware completely of what that is.

    But let me profile myself for a bit, for people that don't know.

    Background


    I am male, I was born male. I'm Black/African-American, in my late 20s. My religion is Christian. My family (both mother and fathers side) isn't originally from there, but I was born and raised in Los Angeles, California area. Which is where I still live. I was born an identical twin. I am currently unemployed, and I've had numerous jobs in my life. I'm currently contemplating work/jobs that I would like to do. I am gay/homosexual. Any pictures that I posted on this site of me, even though I don't post pictures of myself anymore, were actually of me. I have been charged with a crime before. I've never been to jail or to a mental hospital. I am single. I've never been kissed, or had a boyfriend. I'm a virgin.

    I like urban music and R&B, blues/jazz and soul and electro disco house music. Whether the music is current or old. I don't care. I like to dance, I like aerobics and gymnastics and tumbling and exercise. I like cartoons, I like classic cartoons, I like classic television shows and films from before I was born, reality and game shows, horror/thriller and crime drama and comedy movies, documentaries. I like some video games. I like researching about past and current pop culture. I like books. I like to write.

    Again I'm Christian. I believe I reincarnation, aliens, ghosts.

    I have pipe dreams of going into entertainment. Being a musician, actor, comedian, writer, etc.

    Growing up, I had a rough upbringing. Growing up in the urban inner city, it was tough. But I was appreciative I guess. My mother whom I was really close with, sadly passed away when I was 10 years old. That was when I first started to become upset.

    I hated school, I was always upset and angry. My twin brother was the same. He was depressed and upset about it was well.

    We stayed with extended family members, when my twin brother started to become really sick. He passed away a few years later when he was 14.

    At that point I really hit rock bottom. I felt at that point my life was pretty much over. Having your identical twin pass away is something so terrible. I felt incomplete, and still do feel incomplete about it.

    I was then expelled from school as I was always ditching, and getting into fights with other boys at school, being defiant towards teachers.

    I then began to smoke cigarettes at the age of 15, which I still smoke cigarettes.

    The family members I was staying with suggested I be evaluated by a psychologist.

    I was diagnosed as being Autistic/having Aspergers, Bipolar NOS, and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), and having Depression/PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), due to the death of my mother and my twin brother.

    I was given medication which I hated taking. It would make me fall asleep in class. I would stay up all night and couldn't sleep. Or as soon as I came home from school, I would just go straight to sleep due to the meds I was taking.

    So I stopped taking them.

    I was also going through therapy. Even though I liked my therapist, she told me to stop seeing her, as she felt I was stable enough at that point.

    I have not gone back to therapy since.

    I don't know how, but I did manage to graduate High School.

    As soon as I left High School, I was 18, and was going straight into college.

    I was staying with more extended family/friends when I was in college.

    I hated it. I would ditch class, and write or read or do something else. I changed my major a million times. I didn't know what I wanted to study.

    I was struggling with my sexuality and my race. Especially in the United States, this is kinda a tough time right now.

    So I decided to drop out of school. I been living for myself. I have very few family members I talk to. I don't have any friends anymore. I have worked an array of jobs in my life, however I'm currently unemployed.

    One of the most traumatic experiences recently, I was robbed at gunpoint.
    On Topic Discussion I was robbed at gunpoint

    That pretty much leads to present day.

    So that pretty much sums up my life leading up to this.

    I will now explain what Borderline Personality Disorder is, evidence as to why I have it, and what my plans and agenda is because of that.

    What Is BPD?

    Borderline Personality Disorder, is a mood disorder/illness, is patterns of abnormal character actions, unstable or poor relationships with other people, unstable sense of self or low self esteem, and unstable and impulsive emotions.

    Also patterns of dangerous activities with ones life, feeling of isolation or emptiness, self harm, and fear of abandonment or rejection in addition to that.

    Borderline Personality Disorder typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs in a variety of situations.

    Substance or drug abuse, depression and suicide, are associated with it.

    Borderline Personality Disorder is usually and more typically associated with women. Now being that I am a gay male, I don't know where that circumvents anything? Or makes any difference. Whatever.

    It is officially unknown as to what causes it. But incidentally, it's common to find people, myself included, who have had traumatic life experiences, be connected to having Borderline Personality Disorder.

    It has been seen and misconstrued in the media by fictional characters several times as well. Most commonly in thriller movies.

    Therapy is done to treat Borderline Personality Disorder.

    Borderline Personality Disorder can also be mistaken under other disorders.

    Which is why I do not believe what I was previously diagnosed with by a psychologist, that I am Bipolar or that I have ADHD. I do agree that I am autistic. But I believe I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

    Evidence


    Now, I will now go over evidence as to why I have it.

    *Disturbed sense of identity
    An identity disturbance can be conceptualized as a deficit or inability to maintain one or more major components of identity.

    In other words, this is more not knowing my place in the world, or my purpose for being who I am.


    For example, me being a man. Most men are supposed to have a wife, children, be a male role model. Have a steady career etc.

    That isn't the case for me. I'm a gay black flamboyant man. I've never been in love, I'm not really knowing what I can do to improve society, or how I can get out of the loop. Especially adding the unasked for burdens of being gay and black, it just causes more friction and bullshit.

    So I go into a dark state based on this. Not knowing why am I here.

    *Efforts to avoid abandonment and extreme reactions to such

    These are actions or emotions triggered by being isolated or abandoned. Whether the circumstances or situation were as severe as they actually are, or if the circumstances or situations were directed at the person or not.

    So I remember I was doing Jury Duty one time. I was the only black guy there, for all I know, I was possibly the only gay guy there. I was also the only person who looked like they were in their 20s. All the other jurors I remember they were much older than I was.

    For those that have done Jury Duty, you know it's one of the most aggravating things in your life.

    Anyways, I felt kinda isolated from the rest of the group. We were kinda confined to this one big room for however long we were in Jury Duty.

    I tried going up to people and talking to them. But due to my age, perhaps my race even my sexuality, I wasn't really meshing with them.

    I remember I was kinda ticked off over this. I had my laptop, I was playing some disco/urban music, and had it booming loud, and I was moving and grooving and dancing. To the point the other jurors were coming over to see what the fuck I was doing.

    It got to the point this one guy told me to chill, and he asked if I wanted to step out and smoke with him. I agreed, and I chatted with this guy, and I felt better.

    I behaved myself for the remainder of my time on Jury Duty.

    So basically, I didn't want to be alone, and if I had to be alone, I was going to cut up and act like that. So there you go.


    *Splitting/Black and White thinking.
    Failure to see the positive and negative aspects in an equal situation. It is either completely positive, or it's completely negative. Things are either all good, or all bad

    I remember I was in the fifth grade. There were about 20 of us in the class, and the teacher, she split us into five groups of four.

    If someone did perfect on their homework, did extra credit, came back from recess on time, cleaned up the classroom, etc. they would earn points for their team.

    The groups that got the most points or something like that by the end of the month, got a pizza party.

    One of the boys in our group fucked it up for all of us, he was just really bad, never did his homework, he basically ruined our chances. So our group did not get to participate in the pizza party.

    So ordinarily, you would have a "win some/lose some" attitude.

    I didn't, I was mad as hell. I remember I had the biggest tantrum. I didn't want to leave the classroom as I thought I should have won the pizza party. I then had to be locked outside, and when one of the kids opened the door I ran inside the classroom throwing things. I was sent to the principals office, it turns out they actually called specialists from a psychiatric hospital. My guardian at the time luckily persisted against all of that. and I was just dealing with emotional trauma which I was. I was only suspended for a few days because of that.

    So even though that happened in my childhood, I still have that splitting thinking to myself into my adulthood.

    I just got my drivers license not to long ago. When people usually get it in their teen years.

    I remember I failed my driving test four times. On the fourth time, I thought I did well, but we got back to the DMV and the examiner said I failed. I cussed him out, and told him to get the fuck out of my car. I then went back into the DMV and cussed him out some more, and I was escorted out by security to leave.

    So instead of just realizing my mistake and that I needed more practice, that wasn't on my agenda.

    If that isn't enough on my fifth try, fate would have it, I had this examiner again. I told him to get the fuck out of my car and he did.

    I was then given another examiner, who then gave me passing score. I am now a licensed driver lol.

    So it's shit like that.

    Impulsivity and impulsive or dangerous activities.
    Basically acting on impulse or doing dangerous things..

    I was in High School, this was after my twin brother died. I had this teacher who hated my guts, and he was treating me very badly.

    I remember I broke into his car (I don't know how I did it), and I stole some thumb drives that he had.

    Despite the fact I gave him back his property, the police were called, and I was charged with theft due to that.

    So that was impulse acting.

    I remember months ago, I went to this meetup from a bunch of people on reddit.

    We went to this bar.

    I was the only gay person, I was the only black person technically. There was another black guy who was there very briefly then he left.

    I felt really alone and isolated and ignored.

    They seemed very cliquey and I felt they didn't care about me.

    Whether this was the case or not, is dismissive really.

    But we were playing Cards Against Humanity, (which is a boring as hell game. Especially after a few minutes or so)

    I started to throw cards at people, whenever they would be sidetracked and talk about something that had nothing to do with me, as I wasn't apart of their group or clique.

    I remember I was cussing these people out. Saying very harsh things to them.

    I remember I got a steak knife and was giving people evil looks.

    I was acting very inappropriate looking back.

    So that's that.

    *Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships
    Not being able to hold relationships, if at all.

    As I said, I have had friends come and go, but I don't currently have any friends. I never been in love. I struggle befriending other people at times.

    *Self-destructive behavior
    Behavior that is harmful or potentially harmful towards the person who engages in the behavior.

    So this is doing things to your body on purpose, that is causing harm or destruction.

    I do not cut or self harm. I know that's the case for some people.

    But I will sort of do self damaging things to my body, and not really care.

    This includes smoking, drinking liquor, marijuana and recreational drug use. Watching pornography excessively.

    Sometimes I just walk outside late and night for no reason. I like to climb on top of gates, fences, storefront awnings, bluffs, bus stop shelters.

    I remember a few years ago a bunch of these hippies at the beach had a bottle of something. I think it was Vodka looking back, but it could have been gasoline for all I know. lol

    I've been having a shitty day, and they ask me if I wanted to take a swig, so I say yes.

    So doing stuff like that.

    I won't go into detail, but I've had a couple suicide attempts as well So.

    *Distorted Self Image
    Self image that feels distorted between ones self and others.

    So basically, this is having low and/or high self esteem about yourself. Feeling you aren't worthy for particular situations, or feeling you are more worthy for particular situations.

    A good example would have to be the fact I'm black and gay and I'm a feminine man. I already have a distorted self image not to ask out other men usually. I feel I'm not worthy to mess with that man, or be with a group of guys. So this causes issues and causes me to isolate myself from certain situations.

    On the flip side, I also feel in certain shades of limelight, that due to the fact I'm black and gay and I'm being ignored or shunned, I'm allowed to be a queen and a clown. So I'll just act a queenly fool as a defense mechanism, and giving that portrayal of myself.

    I remember I was with an acquaintance of mine. There was this private party here in LA that I decided I wanted to crash.

    I didn't know anybody there, but felt due to the fact I never get to do anything fun, I wanted to crash it.

    One of the security guards told me to leave, and I started to trip with him, and I decided to leave. I felt like I was important, and fuck what he had to say.

    Despite the fact I wasn't supposed to be there.

    So this is the distorted self image on myself.

    *Dissociation
    Experiences with detachment from surroundings and detachment from physical and emotional experience.

    So not being in touch with reality. Being unrealistic to a very damaging degree.

    In some cases psychosis.


    So this one, wow.

    I maladaptive daydream, quite a lot.

    I said earlier that I like to write. Fiction stories.

    I have notebooks which I write down all this shit.

    Ever since I was like six years old, I've had imaginary friends. Which that's all what an imaginary friend/character is. Maladapative daydreaming.

    Now in my late 20s, I had over 5000 imaginary friends/characters. Of those 5000, many of them I've let go, died, I forgot about, no longer care about etc. I'd say about a few hundred or so are still active in my brain in some shape or form. I have about 10 or so, which are versions of myself. Another five or so, are imaginary infatuations/guys I'm currently crushing on that I can't get over.

    I basically maladaptive daydream, episodes and scenarios. It's like a TV show or movie with them. So it's not real. It's all delusions etc.

    75% of these friends are celebrities/actors whom I have some type of infatuation towards. In some cases youtubers, reality television personalities and porn stars. The other 25 percent are guys I see in my everyday life whom I don't know, that I'm comfortable enough maladapative daydreaming about. I just see their face on my way to work, or coming home from work etc.

    None of my imaginary friends are or were, family members.

    In some cases, I will use classmates, coworkers or people whom I developed some type of extreme bond with that I'm comfortable maladaptive daydreaming about.

    If there is a guy I see on the subway on my way home from work. He's now one of those characters. I just give him a name. lol.

    They all have names. If it's a celebrity, I usually just change their name. If it's a guy I don't know, I make up a name. In some cases, the name stays the same.

    For example one of my imaginary friends is Tom Arnold. As there was a time when I had a crush on Tom Arnold. But I changed his name to Alex. lol.

    That's not always the case though.

    One of my imaginary friends that I've had since I was in High School, his name is Chris. He is actually his actual name which is Christopher Meloni. Because I'm really into Law and Order, and at the time had a major crush on Christopher Meloni lol.

    His character is in limbo right now. I let his character go, but he still plays a part in some of the episodes I maladaptive daydream about. Well lol.

    Practically all of them are male. I don't think I have any that are female. It's very rare. I think I have like 4 or so female.

    Some of them are gay and bi in real life. Either they are openly gay celebrities, or I know them in real life to be gay.

    For example, another of of my imaginary friends is Marcellas from Big Brother. Again, he's one that I didn't change his name. He's gay in real life. So.

    Some of them are straight guys in real life, or I presume they are straight, but I change their sexuality to gay/bi in my maladaptive daydreams.

    The rest of them are just straight.

    Now I know these guys don't exist, but I maladaptive daydreams situations on them. I come up with like fake movies and films and like fake reality shows. lol. It's fun for me.

    In order to preserve this, again I write these characters and events down on notebooks. I have a bunch of notebooks that I would hate to lose or throw away by accident. I mean I would get over it, but I don't want to lose these books. Sadly over the years, I have lost a couple of my notebooks, but I don't want that to happen again.

    Also, due to how I'm feeling, I don't always write everything down. So I forget and move on, and come up with new characters and events.

    It's all fake really. But I still want to hold onto the notebooks.

    As of late, I been really letting this go. I sadly don't think I'd ever give up my imaginary friends or stop maladaptive daydreaming, but I don't really do it as often as I used to, it's not as bad as it was when I was younger at all. Which is why I want to keep the notebooks from my youth.

    In addition, at times I have a handful of personalities.

    I know I'm me, and I know I'm only one person, but at times I just have different personalities.

    I'm not going to tell you my real life personalities. As I'm not comfortable.

    But I will tell you my online personalities or handles.

    Taralen:This personality has now been changed into JazzyFusion.

    It used to be, that I was young gay black boy. Around the age of 12. I do have Peter Pan Syndrome in some cases. I am my same race which is black. This is my more nostalgic personality. It's also one of my oldest handles online. I think of when I was into Nickelodeon and cartoons and things like that.

    I use this name on other sites.

    Taralen is now being merged into my Jazzyfusion name.

    Boaxy:I'm in my present state. I'm a gay black man.

    But this is kinda me if I were an older Caucasian man. Again, I believe in reincarnation, so this is how I got this. I kinda have more old fashioned views and values. I use this name to debate other people and have discussions.

    I use this name on this site on other sites, such as Survivorsucks and Lipstickalley.

    Kai:See Domosuke

    Domosuke:This was one of my most popular personalities.

    I am still kinda myself in this personality. But not quite.

    I'm more open to international things and people.

    With this personality I am a wapanese/weaboo/japanophile person. I am obsessed with anime, Japanese language, JPOP, KPOP, etc. I am into music, and world music as well.

    I also use the name Kai as well.

    Due to my involvement with the anime culture that I removed myself from, I have a bunch of twitter followers. My twitter is @oldfashionedxo which I confirm I am Taralen and both Boaxy.

    This is the name I used when I was on Tinychat.

    JazzyFusion:This is the name I use on reddit. This believe it or not, is probably 99.99% how I feel in real life, but with no filter because it's reddit. I am me in my current state with no conditions.

    This is also the same name I went by on that reddit meetup I talked about earlier and was tripping at.

    So those are all my personalities.

    I'm hoping to find a partner or a guy who would understand all of this or not care. The psychosis, imaginary friends, my split personalities. God willing, I suppose.

    So you can see this is probably the symptom of BPD I experience the most of. Dissociation.

    *Misc
    Miscellany

    Now I'll also add that things which I've probably already mentioned or brought up.

    I do experience moments of depression or sadness. Under certain situations. Mostly due to being alone or isolated, or not feeling self worth. Especially if it's related to being black and/or gay.

    I don't always take rejection, criticism, or disappointment well. Especially if it's related to being black and/or gay.

    I do take most bad experiences, whether they happen in real life, or the internet very personal, and it's very painful. It hurts.

    I am in attack or argue mode quite often. Whether it was justified or not. Especially if that circumstance was from me being black and/or gay.

    I sometimes manipulate people do have them do what I want, or fuck things up on purpose for people.

    Similar to the guy in Jury Duty. Or when I was cutting up on the reddit meetup.

    I think that's just about it as far as symptoms and signs and evidence.

    Conclusion


    Now finally I'll go on to what I'm going to do now.

    No, I have not been diagnosed by a psychologist, but I feel if I were to go to a licensed professional, and show and tell them the same evidence I did on this thread, it would

    Also due to the past diagnosis, which I have paperwork for in my youth that diagnosed me with Bipolar, ADHD, Autism/Aspergers, and PTSD.

    I'm more than sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

    I do plan on seeking treatment and help from this very soon, also understanding that this is apart of my life.

    2018 is coming up, and who knows what's in store for me.

    I'm just happy to finally come out with this secret I've been harboring for 20 something years. My entire life almost.

    I am a gay Christian, and I do have faith in god.

    I miss my mother and my twin brother dearly, but I guess I have to continue life.

    I hope to find someone to love someday, and someone for support.

    I just wanted to bring this out, and I want to thank you all.

    I just ask for your compassion and empathy and understanding.

    Thank you, and I love you all.
     
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