I Love My Boyfriend, But I Hate Our Relationship

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Lancer, Mar 7, 2016.

  1. Lancer

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    The things guys will go through JUST to be in a relationship will forever baffle me. How can someone loose themselves like this
    .[​IMG]


    What does it say about me if my boyfriend wants to sleep with other people? What the fuck is wrong with me that he can’t be with just me?

    I’m madly in love with my boyfriend, but I hate our relationship. With every sacrifice I make, I’m starting to hate myself a little more, too. For a little over a year we’ve been in a non-monogamous relationship. Open relationships aren’t new to the gay community but they’re new to me. I’ve always preferred to be with just one guy while in a relationship, but that sort of commitment really puts my boyfriend on edge. We’ve tried being in a traditional relationship and something changed in him; there was something about him that I didn’t like. He wasn’t happy, and was constantly stressing and paranoid about not cheating on me. So I decided to go for an open relationship. I didn’t want us to breakup and I wanted to see where things would go. That was a year ago.

    So where am I now? Listening to a 2007 Alicia Keys song on repeat for days at a time, trying to understand what it is about me that doesn’t meet his expectations. I want this stubborn man I’m dating to meet me halfway. I want him to keep his sexual behavior to himself. I don’t want to find condom wrappers in his garbage can anymore. I don’t want to see his Grindr notifications pop-up on his screen. I don’t want to feel like there’s some ominous third person in this relationship all the fucking time. I want him to fuck me and only me. It takes a conscious decision every day for me to stay. I think about us breaking up at least twice a week. Before my own open relationship, whenever a friend would tell me they were getting into one I’d always respond with, ‘I don’t know how you could do it! Not me, never me!’ It’s safe to say that this immediate response had a lot to do with fear of being judged; I still feel this way too. There is so much fear and confusion–dating someone who wants to fuck other people was never part of the birds and bees talk my mother gave me. Ask Polly has yet to write any empowering words about how to handle falling asleep in the same bed your boyfriend fucked someone else in. Every time I snuggle up to him at night, I want this feeling of self-loathing and impending doom to go away. It doesn’t.

    The progression of our relationship was like any other normal relationship: casual dating and then wanting more. I asked for exclusivity and he told me he couldn’t give that to me right now. I was okay with that at the time, but I didn’t think he still wouldn’t be able to give it to me after a year. As our open relationship progressed, I began to notice the sacrifices I was making. There were the normal relationship sacrifices like time and money, which didn’t bother me. But it started to get tricky when I began making sacrifices I didn’t believe in. I tried not to get upset when he would text another guy, but a sense of betrayal lingered. It felt like he was inviting someone else into our life together. I tried not to be angry that his bedroom would often smell like sex when I came over, and he would tell me time and time again that the decision to be non-monogamous was about him, that it had nothing to do with me. But that didn’t make it any easier. In fact, it made me believe even more that it was about me. I started to hate myself, and instead of believing him, began thinking about everything that was wrong with me. It felt like when my mother would tell me I’m not mad, I’m disappointed. Except that disappointment is always so much more crushing than anger would be. Now, I feel like a gay adult male who is disappointing my partner by not being able to give him what he needs.

    He’ll tell me I am enough, and I’ll nod my head, but I won’t believe it. He’ll tell me he loves me and wants to be with me and I’ll respond, I know. Me too. But deep down I still feel inferior. I don’t trust him not to hurt me. I don’t trust him, because he already does things that he knows hurt me. If I agreed to it, does that make it any better? Am I supposed to sacrifice my own happiness because my boyfriend loves to put his dick in a dancer? I guess I’m supposed to be totally okay that my boyfriend likes to add everyone he’s ever fucked as a friend on Facebook? The worst part is, I’ve become addicted to seeing which skinny, hairless twenty-something he added as a friend this week. The bad dye jobs of boys with my waist size haunt me in my sleep. He says we are in this together, but I don’t believe it. I don’t believe a lot of things about our relationship. I don’t believe him when his phone buzzes at 1 AM and he tells me the unsaved number that just texted him was a work-related issue. I don’t believe that when he says he’s going out with friends that he comes home alone. I hold him so tight at night. I lay in bed and I think about the good things that have come out of this relationship. But I don’t always feel like his arms are the safest place to be. Every fight we have is all about how I feel inferior. I try and talk about it with him and I sound like a broken record.

    Still, I decided it’s worth it. This is not currently the relationship I want, but I still believe it could turn into the relationship I crave. Down the line I could have kids with him, we could get a puppy, or get into little fights at Bergdorfs. I let myself dream those dreams. Sure, it really sucks at times, but I tell myself it’s okay to not be this happy, amazing person in my relationship all the fucking time. When I am happy and in love, then I relish it and celebrate it–because it’s not often. But I am no longer the incredible warm person I was on our first date. After a year of insecurity and second-guessing myself I have become a little cold. I’ve also learned that messy, emotional me can be loved by someone even when I am cold and checked out. On one hand, I want nothing but our love to grow and flourish and for us to get to that point where everything we both want is fulfilled. On the other I want to be strong and brave and leave him in Hell’s Kitchen because I’ve realized I deserve more.

    So why do I do it? Maybe it’s the people-pleaser in me; I want him to be happy. I know I deserve to be loved, and I am. But I’m not being loved on my terms. I’m not being loved the way I want to be loved. I crave a traditional relationship. I want to be the only one in his bed. Even if we don’t wind up with kids, a dog and dual-income household, I’ll know that I’ve been loved and that I did love. I’ll know that he did his best to give me what I want and I did my best to accept his shortcomings. Maybe I am strong enough to handle what I’ve been given to work with, or maybe I’ll break down and realize I can’t handle how often my mind scours over a list of everything that’s wrong with what we have. Every night I have to talk myself back into this relationship, because if I don’t, I won’t believe what we have is one.

    I Love My Boyfriend, But I Hate Our Relationship - Brooklyn Magazine
     
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  2. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    Poor dude. Ending the relationship will only be the beginning of attempting to solve his issues. This wack ass relationship is only shining a light on what is really wrong....HIM.
     
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  3. redsai84

    redsai84 For the night is dark and full of terrors.
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    i feel kinda sad for the dude but at the same time i don't. we all meet our own hell for our selfs
     
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  4. ControlledXaos

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    He should leave him. Being in a relationship isn't worth all that. He really needs to sit on someone's couch.

    There's definitely a lot of gay men into the open relationship thing. A lot of gay men are really casual about it and get in their hetero normative feelings if you are OK with a one on one relationship.

    The boyfriend should just find a dude who is also active and ok with being in an open relationship.
     
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  5. Tyroc

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    I kind of hate dude after reading some of that.
    What he thinks is love, sounds more like masochism and extremely low self esteem.
    The boyfriend is not the the problem, this dude allowing himself to be doormat is. He sounds like a grade A drama Q, whining about someone who's obviously not invested in him.
    I hope he protects himself.
     
  6. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    This "cry me a river" post is the perfect example of a "nice guy finishing last."
     
  7. ColumbusGuy

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    This is not a nice guy, this is a messed up guy.

    Plus how long have they been together...what is it...a year? And they don't even live together. It barely qualifies as a 'real relationship' to me. (maybe just my age and upbringing showing)
     
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  8. Sean

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    I concur. He has some self-esteem/respect and codependency issues to work on to start.
     
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  9. Cyrus-Brooks

    Cyrus-Brooks is a Featured MemberCyrus-Brooks The Black Vulcan
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    Some people don't have the courage or self respect to end something that doesn't work for them. He is one one of those people. This dude strikes me a very typical young gay male. That is to say needy, co-dependent, and so starved for love he'll sacrifice his own well being just to be with a man. He needs to be in therapy and to end this so-called relationship.
     
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  10. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    What he said...
    :ufdup:
     
  11. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    I only got 2 paras in before I was like, 'let it go bro'!
     
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  12. cypher21

    cypher21 Deactivated Account
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    I know I'll receive the minority vote on this one (surprise surprise..) but I find his view on things to be quite understandable and reasonable to me. As someone that's been trying to get in the dating world more I've come across sooo many guys like his boyfriend it honestly makes me sick. It feels like you have no choice but to compromise a lot just to get anyone's attention let alone be in a relationship.

    I could...in someway..see myself doing exactly what he's going through..young, inexperienced, not really knowing what it's like to be loved and willing to give it but not really getting any in return. He sounds like he made a mistake while genuinely trying to be open and committed to something he really wanted. Now he realizes that his decision wasn't the right one and is wondering where he should from there. Why hate him for that?

    Not saying this to say "shame on you"or whatever but just sharing my own opinion and thoughts..I'm glad he wrote this..helped remind me of what I want out of a relationship and dating etc. without going through the same mistake. It may sound like he's some ultra clingy guy that devotes every second of his life stressing over this but maybe this was just an outlet for him..a way to talk about something he can't normally around others so it sounds a lot more urgent. Hope he finds the strength and courage to break with his "boyfriend" and be in a relationship where someone is man enough to love him.
     
  13. SB3

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    Ur young and lacking baggage, no need to pick anyone else's up
     
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  14. cypher21

    cypher21 Deactivated Account
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    We all got baggage, yours is just different from mine, maybe.
     
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  15. Discordant

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    So, I was in a relationship very similar to the beginnings of this one. The difference is, and it may be due to my own confidence that I'll find the relationship that's right for me, but when I finally stopped "forcing" my ex to be monogamous and "let him be happy" I let go of the relationship altogether. I was sad for a good week or so, but I felt so much better afterwards because the stresses he described were no longer weighing on me. People have to understand there's a difference between reaching a compromise and compromising yourself. Staying in that situation or going for an open relationship when I have no desire to be in one like the gentleman in this post would have been the latter.
     
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  16. alton

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    [​IMG]
     
  17. Tyroc

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    I know I was a little harsh and heavily judgmental in my opinion and I do agree there does sometimes have to be comprimise in a relationship but not at the cost of your dignity and own peace of mind.
    I'm a little old school in my beliefs that if you're not happy in a situation, then you should actively seek change the circumstances and find resolution and get as close to happiness as possible. He's from what I read staying and suffering in it.
    That's hard for me at my age to wrap my head around.

    You're a good looking and intelligent guy with a lot going on for you.
    There are good dudes out there, unfortunately you have to step around and date the bad ones before you level up and meet them.
    That doesn't mean you should ever settle into what's not good for you for the sake of being in a relationship.

    I think the dude in the story though needs to learn to love himself before he thinks of trying to find someone else to give him what he's missing inside.
     
  18. jusrawb

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    The crazy thing to me is that his situation is really common. I always tell my single friends, that want relationships, I feel bad for them because it seems like dating is really hard now. I can understand putting up with some bs if your already in a relationship then it starts to go bad but it sounds like their situation starts off bad, well at least for the one telling the story. Also I believe you can't force anyone to settle down with you.
     
  19. bpaisle

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    I don't feel bad for him. He is CHOOSING to put up with that shit. Couldn't be my ass. It would be more like..
    BoyBye_zps5a6f5ce6.gif
     
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  20. alton

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    Exactly.
     
  21. mojoreece

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    Open relationships only work if both parties have high level of trust and follow a set of rules. You cant make someone committed in a relationship its either they will or not no in-between. If both parties are not willing to sacrifice on the same level it wont work. I lot of dudes have self-esteem issues. They think that if an attractive dude likes them they got to put up with a lot of bullsh*** or he will leave them. There are dudes that will take advantage of people with low self esteem by sounding good and lookin good just to get what they want. Someone with high self-esteem and self respect has current limits and once a person cross that the relationship is over. In todays time its too many sexy people out here to put up with anyones foolishness or bullsh***.
     
    #21 mojoreece, Mar 10, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2016
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