Rapid Dudes

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Lancer, Jul 12, 2018.

  1. Lancer

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    [​IMG]
    I know dating world is a vicious battlefield and everyone is on to the next in the flap of a Humming Birds wing.Heck I even read this article where a guy set up a hookup and while they were going at it, the dude he invited over(still inside him) was on the app setting up another hookup immediately after.
    I had been talking to this dude online. So I ask when can we meet for coffee (not the type in Luke Cage lol)? He says he is free in the afternoon. He sends me his location. I get to the spot, as I am walking towards him I see him sitting with some other dudes. I say to myself, didn't mention he will bring his friends, maybe he is shy and needs the support? I introduce myself to his friends and take a sit. Homeboy is quiet however his friends are the ones asking me all the questions and he occasionally chimes in with 'oh interesting' or 'really?'.
    A short while after his friends leave and I think ok, me and homeboy will have some one on one time. He then says he has to meet up with some other dudes and I say 'that's cool, I will walk you there'.

    It was not far away, thinking we would walk and talk. He doesn't say much during the walk, and I ain't no novice, dude was not feeling me at all. So, in my mind I conclude, I will walk him to his friends and bounce. We almost there when a muscular dude,shaved head,tight clothes and ASSets on display walks in front of us. Homeboy lights up, turns to me and ask's 'do I think the guy is on our team?' I jokingly reply, with an ass like that and pants that tight he must be and before I know it homeboy is...
    [​IMG]
    He darts over to holler at the dude and I am there standing like 'WTF is happening!?!
    [​IMG]
    He walks back to me, turns out dude played for the same team but was not feeling him. I then say 'Well it was nice meeting you and good luck'. We shake hands and bounce all the while I am thinking 'Well damn, dudes DO move fast nowadays'
    [​IMG]
     
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  2. ControlledXaos

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    That whole group meet thing is odd.

    I hate when dudes have their coven with them early on. They will stalk your social media, dig up yearbooks,, and everything. Lol

    Sounds like that was actually a good thing. That's not the type of dude you want to be with anyway if he's that flighty and bold to do that in your face.
     
  3. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Yeah if not for this website (and others) I would think it was just me having dating issues like these.

    I tell @OckyDub and others in long relationships all the time that if they can stay with their partners, they should...no matter how difficult things get. It seems tougher out here now that it was even just 10 years ago. Hell, when we first started this site I was giving dating advice, now I'm as lost as everyone else given how flaky, indecisive, impatient and picky many gay men have become.

    Your story highlights another weird trend I've noticed in "the community," everyone has become "Gay Friend Collectors." On one hand they want to keep you as an option for dating or sex, but on the other hand they want to add you to their coven of gay friends for hanging out and brunch. So you live in this perpetual grey area where he's flirting with you through texts one day, then stone cold when you (eventually) meet up to "hang out."

    One theory that I've had lately is maybe we all should kill the "nice guy" in us...It seems like the guys who are the wolves (the men constantly flirting with any and everyone both in private and public) avoid this grey area.

    Black gay men nowadays seem to respond better to the "Damn, you sexy as fuck...When you gonna stop playing and let me hit?" than they respond to the "You seem cool, do you want to meet up for coffee or a drink sometime to get to know each other?"

    The latter leaves open too much ambiguity. The former gets right to the point. And the other guy knows exactly what your interest is and what your intentions are...
     
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  4. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    Could this be an age thing?

    Meaning, isn't when you're young is when you're supposed to "sow wild oats"?

    Also is this a gay culture and or a technology induced atmosphere thing?
     
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  5. Juan-Carlos

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    That's so disrespectful, disgusting, and disheartening. You and we all deserve someone who reciprocates the same time, energy, and attention while we invest in learning and knowing one another.
     
    #5 Juan-Carlos, Jul 12, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2018
  6. Lancer

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    So its so funny you mention OckyDub in this, cos just this week I queued up Podcasts from 3 years ago and hearing OckyDub give his opinions on current dating habits of gay men and what we should do, I kept screaming at my laptop 'DUDE, YOU FUCKING CLOCKED OUT IN TIME. THE GAME HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED AND YOU ARE SO LUCKY'! lol

    ''Black gay men nowadays seem to respond better to the "Damn, you sexy as fuck...When you gonna stop playing and let me hit?" than they respond to the "You seem cool, do you want to meet up for coffee or a drink sometime to get to know each other?"
    THE ACCURACY HERE!!!
    I have noticed this too. Saw a screenshot of a convo and homeboy said 'You have given that ass to dudes I know,even dudes I am way better than, now you don't want me to hit? Peace out' and the recipient was trying to get him not to exit the convo. I was amazed.
    However, personally I can't be that kinda guy...not my thing.
     
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  7. OckyDub

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    ...in a word, uncouth.
     
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  8. Lancer

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    I do not think its an age thing. Sowing your oats does not mean loosing your human decency.
    Also I think its both a gay culture and a technology induced atmosphere thing. The gay culture is and will always be superficial, now tech comes which guarantees whatever your 'unpleasant' state is now, you can change it in a split second. You meet someone you not feeling or don't get immediate butterflies for, bring out your phone and boom you on to the next! That easy. Also I think with that mixture dudes have become VERY critical in cutting guys off. Any minute thing and URRRRRR OUT!!!
     
  9. OckyDub

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    So here's the thing,

    I'm 40 something and I'm not hearing anything new.

    The dude from your post; I can clearly remember doing something similar to this when I was around 25ys old in DC. Even though I was a bit tipsy when I did it, I still did it.

    The comment about shedding the "mr nice guy" and straight up saying "lets fuck"; I remember telling one of homeboys that same thing over 10 years ago when he was describing similar dating woes.

    I'm in no way saying you alls experiences aren't real...they absolutely are. Somethings have changed/evolved like @Nick Delmacy told me how back in the day, one could get away with an intriguing faceless profile but today faceless profiles...

    [​IMG]

    From these forums, to podcasts by the lgbt community, to web series...I'm seeing and hearing the same things I've been hearing for the last 15 +yrs. Technology has absolutely changed when it comes to dating (its easier to hookup) but when was it hard to hook up? When weren't dudes flaky as fuk? When was black gay dating easy? When and where was this golden age of black gay dating and how did I miss it?
     
  10. OckyDub

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    A term I hate "fuc boy" - the attributes that described a fuc boy, existed before the term became popular.

    There has to be some pieces of the puzzle I'm missing. I've been in a relationship for over 9 yrs. If I experienced these same things and committed some of these same indecencies over 10 yrs ago, then how are these "new" gay behaviors that has "changed the game"?
     
  11. RolandG

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    Ocky, I don't think the mentality has changed so much as the opportunities to screw another guy over. I mean before apps, who many times could one get rejected per day? Now, it's easy to be ignored or ghosted 10 times in a single afternoon. It's just that we're dealing with profiles instead of humans so things we wouldn't do to somebody's face are very easy online.
     
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  12. Nick Delmacy

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    And ironically, the dude that @Lancer met up with is somewhere right now complaining about how hard it is to date too...
     
  13. OckyDub

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    Personal experience...

    Q: I mean before apps, who many times could one get rejected per day?
    A: Between Friday night and all they way to Saturday night, while using M4N and BGC; multiple times for being to fat/chunky, a non-top, who isn't lying on his profile by saying dick 9+.

    None of this was face to face or via apps.

    Next question.
     
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  14. RolandG

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    Right. LOL Funny thing is a met this dude when i first moved to Atlanta and he was doing nothing but playing games and eventually got ghost. I met him recently and he didn't even remember me and was lamenting how dudes don't do anything but play games here. I waited until he was finished and them told him that it's sad that he doesn't even remember he did the same thing to me. SMH
     
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  15. RolandG

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    Ummm, trying to get you to realize the difference is going to be almost impossible. It's not the same as it was in 2008. I promise you that. The whole thing is just fucked up really. I don't even know what else to say about it.
     
  16. OckyDub

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    [​IMG]
    Yes, I'm the one who is deficient in the conversation and I'm trying to understand. Nonetheless, this is what the conversation is reminding me of;

    When I was prone to debate Christians, their go to fall back response; "God works in mysterious ways" or everything began and ended within the confines of the bible.

    To me this was not only sorta intellectually lazy, but it lacked creativity, imagination, and critical analysis.

    For the last couple of years what I get from gay men when it comes to hardships of dating...

    I got ghosted - blame it on the apps
    We had sex and he didn't call me back - blame it on the apps
    He lied about his appearance - blame it on the apps

    It seems as if almost everything bad or wrong with dating...its the apps' fault or technology's fault.

    For every example that's being blamed on apps when it comes to dating, I'm giving you examples of how possibly the apps have nothing to do with it.

    I have acknowledged the examples on how tech/apps have ruined some aspects of dating and have even discussed them in many podcasts. At the same time I can't ignore human behavior along with what seems like "blame it on the apps" scapegoating syndrome.
     
  17. Nick Delmacy

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    I think both @RolandG and @OckyDub are right...A lot of the BS going on with Black Gay Dating is the same as it was before, however there are def new complexities that one who has been out of the market for nearly 10 years can't fathom. Add to that the fact that @OckyDub is not on social media in the traditional sense, unlike the majority of the people dating in this day and age. This is not to say that its all bad out there, especially since there are tons of guys out there who have no problems dating for the most part.

    I think a big difference now vs 10 years ago is many guys are competing with not only other men in their local areas, they are also competing against unobtainable social media images/fantasies that ALL Black gay men THINK they can get with if they just keep stringing the local dudes along until it happens. Its the "next best thing" way of dating on steroids. Even in @Lancer's story the dude paused their date to go holla at a dude with a nicer ass...right in front of him... I've had this happen to me with guys texting other dudes or jumping on the apps while out with me.

    Either way, this shouldn't be a pity party. Just a discussion on new ways that the game has changed.

    Side Note: I stress "Black Gay Dating" in my comments because, while they have issues too, dating with White Gay Men is a different reality altogether. This is based on my limited knowledge (ie: HBO's Looking).
     
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  18. RolandG

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    Dang, you had to read me like that? LOL

    I will say i never got on an App until a couple years ago. Even then it wasn't Grinder, A4A, Jack'd or one of these types. I do understand that there were sites like M4M back in the day but what i'm trying to say @OckyDub , is those weren't apps like we have on mobile phones today. Hell, most folks didn't even have cell phones back in the early 2000s. Especially the young bucks. So sure M4M existed but you had to be home to even get on these sites on a desktop.

    How is it different? Well just watch a group of gay dudes at any party and what are they doing? Checking their phones to see who else in the room is looking for a quick fuck. When I was in college back in the late 90s, this wasn't possible. Yes, dudes would still stand on the wall holding a drink but at least they were focused on the dudes in the room and not their phones. Now, you can't even have a conversation with a dude because if you don't peek his interest right off the bat, he's already on his phone looking to see who is close by.

    To understand how much more folk are addicted to these apps, just look at how gay men freak out when Grindr or Jack'd goes down for any length of time. It's like someone zapped the oxygen out of the room. I've had at least 4-5 guys tell me that they've been "struggling" since Craigslist stopped allowing sex ads and postings. Why the hell did this send some dudes into a mini depression? The same number of gay men(lots) still exist in Atlanta but remove the apps and we don't even know how to find each other. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack but the stack consists of only 1 straw.
     
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  19. OckyDub

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    "To me this was not only sorta intellectually lazy, but it lacked creativity, imagination, and critical analysis."

    This comment was not a personal attack on you and I apologize if it came off as such.

    This is an example that I've used many times on how technology can detract and be negative - yes while dating.

    If we were in the same room; my disposition would have made it clear that comment was not a personal attack but literally - via text; it kinda came off as such.

    If we were dating, and this happened via text, you could have said "eff this kat he's too ____________" I'm not fuking with him anymore (ghosting).
     
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  20. RolandG

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    Yep. You know i didn't take it personal. The good thing about corresponding with you for almost 6 years now is I know your personality and intentions.

    You're also right about dating. I'm a jokester a lot of times and i've had more than one due misinterpret one of my texts and get in his feelings and disappear. This all because he didn't like to talk on the phone. SMH
     
  21. OckyDub

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    This is it. You gave me everything I needed with examples to fully understand everyone's POV and the intention of the thread. Thank You.

    That being said, this would be apart of my current dating mindset in this climate if I was single concerning cell phones:

    1. After we meet on the app, next is the convo.
    2. During that convo or subsequent convos, it mos def will be discussed (by presenting a hypothetical) if we meet or go out on a date, I'm respectful of my time and yours and as a man; I think its disrespecful and rude to use your phone while we're together on our first date. I'm wouldn't use mine unless checking for movie times or bar/resturant hours, or checking a trivia question.
    3. Is this going to be a problem?

    If the answer is something along the lines of , "nikka wha? you don't run this" then there is no love connection

    [​IMG]

    If we're saying, due to apps, gay dudes are to much on the hunt and on the move to the next best thing; then that works both ways.

    I would hook up when I felt like it and when I don't feel like it (which would be the majority of the time) imma use these hands.

    [​IMG]

    In the situation that started the thread, I wouldn't have met dude once I saw him with his crew. If we're meeting, in essence, its a first date. Im there to be on a date with you, not your friends. I know thats just me though concerning how stand offish I am when it comes to groups of gay dudes I dont know.
     
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  22. RolandG

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    Oh ok. So I see the problem. Ocky you really don't know how far down things have gone. You think that guys on Jack'd are online enough for you to have the discussion you mention in item 2? Let me help you out with the most common responses to this:
    a. Ghost
    b. Who the fuck hurt you?
    c. Dude i'm just trying to freak
    d. Did you even read my profile? Oh it said i was trying to date? I wrote that shit long time ago but since ain't nothing on
    here but whores, i'm just doing me.
    e. You must be looking for a wifey.
    f. Ghost
    g. Blocked
     
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  23. OckyDub

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    a. Ghost - good
    b. Who the fuck hurt you? - boy bye
    c. Dude i'm just trying to freak - but in glass case for later
    d. Did you even read my profile? Oh it said i was trying to date? I wrote that shit long time ago but since ain't nothing on here but whores, i'm just doing me. - girl bye
    e. You must be looking for a wifey. - no a man for possible dating
    f. Ghost - good
    g. Blocked - good

    LOL

    but feel me in here...so you saying yall don't talk on the phone no more. Wait wait, I just saw a couple of threads ago, yall were talking about how you all need to talk on the phone first before you meet, which I was in that group.

    2nd. how is what you stated above a bad thing? This is like, folk who get made over "no fats, fems etc." to me thats a good thing because you didn't waste too much of your time..

    Just an FYI though.

    Keep in mind while I like a nice body like the rest of em, I'll take a fat chubby masculine dude any day. Not only that, with my example a couple of messages ago, I informed yall I got rejected for being chubby or not in shape while on M4N back in the day. At first when I was new to it I felt some type of way (it helped solidity the superficial dynamics I knew of the culture) but I got over that and focused on the kats who did want me.
     
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  24. RolandG

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    If you think about it, it's still a waste of time though. You're dealing with fake profiles half the time or false stats. Then guys say they want one thing but waste two days of sporadic messaging just to say that's not what they're looking for. 2 days is still wasted time.

    And yes we've all been saying that it's preferable to talk on the phone but i can't tell you how many times dudes have told me that they just prefer to text. And these are the dudes who gave you their number after making you wait weeks and then the numbers are Google numbers and such. LOL It's just all around crazy. But check this out...these same dudes will tell you that they don't like to talk on the phone and they don't meet too soon cause they wanna get to know a person's vibe first but then they get pissed when they meet the dude after weeks of sporadic online messaging only to discover they've been cat fished. So it makes since to talk and meet asap to avoid this yet these idiots continue to do the same thing over and over. Just stupid.
     
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  25. machoBLKnerd

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    @RolandG if you don't mind me asking, what does your profile say? cause i'm wondering why your experiences are THAT bad. i've been in atlanta for a week and jack'd has been pretty good to me actually. nothing inspiring but def nothing close to what you've described. i use it back home (nyc) as well w/ similar results. could it be that you're also attracting certain types?
     
    #25 machoBLKnerd, Jul 12, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2018
  26. ControlledXaos

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    Gonna go back to the OP for this comment....

    With so many guys being discreet inviting your crew along for the meet up was disrespectful. You may not have wanted Quintaverick and Montrellious to know what was up with you for them to go back and see you out with someone else 2 weeks later and run and tell it.

    A lot of time is wasted with this "ion meet up soon" bs because a muh fuh will meet that ass and not know your last or real name for a hook up so that's bull to me. If you can have a halfway decent chat on the app a five minute phone call to arrange a coffee shop meeting.

    If it's a pass then that's fine. You've used about 30 minutes of time and no one gets upset because you invested 2 months chatting online with and fell in awe of a guy but he doesn't looks like the guy in the UK who you have been sent photos of.

    A lot of the disappointing things and wastes of time we experience is brought on by ourselves. In my 40s I do not have time to waste. I need to evaluate if something is working for me or not and the dilly dallying gay men do ruins it. It's OK to juggle guys but trying to keep one dude in the glass because you think he's decent but the other guy who just popped into your DMs who looks better isn't going mean you'll net him.
     
    SB3 and OckyDub dapped this.
  27. Artistic Arsonist

    The 100 Daps Club

    Age:
    24
    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2015
    Messages:
    200
    Daps Received:
    849
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Georgia
    Dating:
    Single
    Young 20-something with brief dating/app experience and all the answers to the universe coming in.

    Everything I want to say has pretty much already been said, but I'll give my 2 cents anyway.

    1. Social media doesn't really change what people do, just the way they do it. Technological goals of making everything faster and more convenient seem to have made people more impatient, however. Why search the city and talk to people when you can see faces, bodies, read their bios, and find out how close they are, right?

    2. If a guy doesn't immediately ask for sex, he may actually be open to dating you. However, he's already 90% sure of what he wants to do with you within the first 5 minutes of , *if not prior to*, the first date. Even if they're meeting you to give you a "second chance" of sorts, instead of out of formality, the title of date, hookup, friend, or soon-to-be stranger are already looming above you.

    3. Dude in the OP was rude.
     
    ControlledXaos and OckyDub dapped this.
  28. takeyourmeds91

    The 1000 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2016
    Messages:
    755
    Daps Received:
    3,112
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    FL
    Okay, so admittedly, I didn't read everyone's comments.

    To OP: Maybe I'm missing something. What in the entire fuck took place? I've never heard of someone inviting another person out only to meet up with them and their friends. That's awkward as hell. I won't even get on the part where he tried to talk to another dude the same day.

    That deserves a stroonngg cussing out and a prayer that I don't box you straight up.
     
    OckyDub dapped this.
  29. DFW Brutha

    The 100 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2015
    Messages:
    290
    Daps Received:
    347
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Dallas Fort Worth
    Dating:
    Single


    They're likely Methican Americans (aka parTy patties)...
    [​IMG]

    'I ask when can we meet for coffee. He says he is free in the afternoon. He sends me his location. I get to the spot, as I am walking towards him I see him sitting with some other dudes. I say to myself, didn't mention he will bring his friends...'

    This kind of scenario should always end like...
    [​IMG]
     
    takeyourmeds91 dapped this.
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