Redefining What It Means to Be a Gay Black Man

Discussion in 'LGBT News and Events' started by OckyDub, Jan 11, 2016.

  1. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    I usually avoid HuffPost Gay Voices but this right here was pretty cool.
    ******** **********
    [​IMG]
    I have had enough. Simply speaking from the heart, I desire more for our community. It feels like we are stuck in a rut. We've built a jail for ourselves, first engineered by the lies of false prophets, reinforced by the hate we were taught to inflict on our own selves, and guarded by pain that is only satisfied with unresolved hurt. We have to rewrite the narrative.

    There lies an untapped potential within the black gay community that I believe needs to be unveiled and activated. Every time I come across a think piece or Facebook post from some douchebag who writes about the agenda to turn black men gay, it reminds me that there are people that desire to erase us. What's even more disturbing is the innate need many of us have to oblige them.

    This theory that black men are being persuaded to "turn gay" or the notion that there is a conspiracy to feminize black men are lies. What they are as I see it, are the cries of some black folk that want to stay in the box that was engineered for us. We know the descriptions -- militant, aggressive, thug, hyper-masculine, Mandingo, unemotional, n-word. We know them well, don't we? While we hate stereotypes, I have to acknowledge that many of us have subscribed to them.

    Most recently, the outing campaigns that have been rolled out for Odell Beckham Jr., have been led by urban publications and promoted by many in the black community. Why? He likes to dance with his friends. He doesn't spend enough time beating his chest and sporting around non-black women; obviously, he's gay. While many of us recognize this as complete bullshit, I was shocked to see the amount of chocolate gay trolls poking fun at him as well, urging him to "come out". What's sad about this to me is that we have bought into the propaganda that black masculinity and gayness are mutually exclusive.

    For this very reason, there is a host of gay black men who are comfortable being silent. I tell people all the time, I know many more masculine gay men than feminine gay men. The difference is that feminine gay men, whether by choice or not, live their lives out loud. They are seen because they have not subscribed to the traditional definition of black masculinity. I believe that many gay men who hold up the tradition, understand the privilege that it carries both within and outside the gay community. Let's face it, his peers probably don't suspect a thing and he gets more messages with a booty attached on Jack'd than he can handle, even if he would prefer a dick pic. Once he acknowledges his gayness publicly, he breaks out of his box. As liberating as that may sound, that declaration has been his most notable antagonist for his entire life. It's not easy believing that you can be more than the big dick, deep-voiced, intimidating black man that you were always told you should be.

    We need to break down some walls that have been built in the names of masculinity and femininity in our community. There's so much more for us to explore internally and externally. Can you imagine all of the connections you would have made along the way had you not judged some of these guys based on the stereotypes you had in your mind? Can you imagine how many more times you would have decided to shake your ass in the club if you weren't worried about how you would be perceived? Tell the truth...

    We have to start believing that we are more than the characters in a Dawgpound USA video. We are multidimensional human beings and our masculinity and gayness are not incongruous. Rather, we must celebrate the men in our community that chose to express themselves in their authentic ways and acknowledge that masculinity can never be compromised by a stereotype. We have to allow ourselves the freedom to be exactly who we are even if that will take some unlearning on our part. Healing from the inside out is the only way we can rewrite this story. Cheers to the manly men and the not so manly men that love them; we're all men after all. We'd do well to remember that, because despite what we've been told, we really are in this together.

    "Black males who refuse categorization are rare, for the price of visibility in the contemporary world of white supremacy is that black identity be defined in relation to the stereotype whether by embodying it or seeking to be other than it...Negative stereotypes about the nature of black masculinity continue to overdetermine the identities black males are allowed to fashion for themselves."-- bell hooks
     
  2. grownman

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    I agree totally. I just don't know where to start. I still have my issues because of pasts hurts from men that I thought were my friends. I never really had a lot of friends because I/was am introverted. You may not be able to tell that now. I have gotten comfortable talking to you and everyone else on here. So, I can let loose a bit. Most of the few friends that I have are straight men and women.

    Anyway, I was talking to this older gentleman about 7 years ago-but not really interested in him. He lived about 5 hours away from me in a town called Gainesville. By this time I had made two gay friends at the church I was attending-go figure. Well, one of my "so called gay friends" felt that since I didn't want the dude-he did. Don't you know he drove his big ass up there (you see that venom spewing?) and slept with the dude. It's shit like that which has turned me off.

    I never felt like I fit in with any group. I don't club, watch reality shows, vogue, watch football(prefer basketball), beat my chest, deepen my voice(it's already deep)-all this stupidness. Just to be accepted? The devil is a liar! Lol. No, but seriously I will listen to old school Whitney at one moment. Next, 2 pac, Snoop & Dre. These days I am into more underground independent artists who are not commercially successful. India Arie, Jill Scott, Kem, Rachelle Farrell, Tracy Chapman(a lesbian singer) etc. How many black men-gay or straight would go and seem them in concert? You know what I mean? I want to go to park with my dude or "friends" and walk around talking about the latest sci-fi show that's out. Similar to the shit that goes on here.

    But, I like that you posted this- let's hope that it won't fall on deaf ears.

    [​IMG]
     
    #2 grownman, Jan 11, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2016
  3. madmoral

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    I sure this article gained Dawgpound USA several new customers though. sasmith
     
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  4. LeMignon

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    This pretty much sums it up. We're always being judged and we worry what others think.
     
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  5. cypher21

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    I think if I (others like me) could just learn not to care about others opinions it would cut out a significant amount of stress in our lives lol it's just so difficult because everyone wants acceptance for someone, maybe not the same people every time but you get the idea.

    I enjoyed the article, I've actually heard others on there that I rather enjoyed I'm curious as to why you avoid it.
     
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  6. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    Anything related to masculine homosexuality is for the most part non-existent on their site. For me it caters to white, LGBT feminist, effeminate and transgender issues.
     
  7. cypher21

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    Oh, ok that makes sense,The ones that I read were more like this one I don't visit it often
     
  8. BlackguyExecutive

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    Thanks for posting this. I have come to recognize that my parents were preparing me at a very young age to stand up against that mold that was "engineered for me" <-That is brilliant by the way. My experience as a black man was shaped by my parents reinforcing that I do the things I wanted to and to not fear rejection of any kind. I always wonder why my dad had conditions for everything but I have now realized he was preparing me. For example, I wanted to play varsity soccer but I could only do it if I tried out for the school play. I wanted to play blues music but my mom said I could join the blues band only if I tried out for choir. I liked mixed martial arts and cooking but my parents made me do the most demanding summer camp programs. At the time, I thought all of it was too much but I have now come to recognize that they prepared me to be rejected, to overcome adversity, to try hard, to be adaptable, to reject artificial categories. By the time I came out, I was a pretty well adjusted young man, I personally new gay men and women and was cultured enough to recognize there is a vast world out there, I was a the black kid who played varsity soccer and the cello and sang classical music and got a black belt in mixed martial arts, and loved cooking, so to add gay to that list was just another little attribute that didn't compare to how I knew I would never be a good enough cello player to be in the New York Philharmonic or my skills at soccer would not land me a college scholarship. Yet, I waited to come out until I was 20 years old. Why because of some of the sentiments cited in previous post but also because I had to do what I needed to do when I was ready. I think that is the lesson we need to empower gay/sgl men with. Do what you want to do and do it when you are ready to do it.
     
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  9. grownman

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    I just reread what you wrote. I mean this is beautiful and you are one of the "lucky ones". I wish that I could have grown up in an environment such as yours. I am sooo freaking jealous of you. That is the upbringing that I wanted for myself. I grew up in a single parent home and my mom was/is a Christian woman who suffers from depression. I developed some of that too. Not only was I taught to worry about what other people thought-but more important "what the Lawd thought". I have never gotten that validation from her that I want. I know she loves me-there is no doubt. I guess in a way-still waiting for it.

    I remember that I wanted to join the boys scouts sooo bad. I wanted to do the tents and such. She took me to a meeting to join and somewhere in the middle of the Leader speaking. Mom told me to get my jacket and we were leaving. I was upset and asked her why. She never gave me a response...I cried like a little baby. I was pissed. Especially because she never gave me a reason. All of the "different" things that I was interested in-she bypassed it. Unlike your parents, they at least gave you alternatives. That was pretty cool. I just didn't get unless it was church related. I did to get to experience the Boys and Girls Club. But not much else.

    I just wished their would have been some discussion on life or preparation like you had. I would not have had to spend the last 15yrs trying to play catch up on life. Anyway, I love your post. Thanks for sharing.
     
  10. BlackguyExecutive

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    Thanks for your comments. I think that my parents were that way because they came from overbearing religious backgrounds and that kinda drove them to embrace secularism a lot. I mean we went to our neighborhood church because everyone else did in the neighborhood. I look back at my younger years and realized I was/am blessed. That doesn't mean I don't have homophobes in my family. I mean, I think I wrote about this once before, I consider myself probably one of the most accomplished people in my family you know, the immediate family. Was the first to leave home and never had to return to mom or dads (although that wouldn't be a problem), first to graduate and go to college and graduate from college and go to graduate school and graduate from that too. I bought my own brand new car at 16 (by saving all the money I earned holding down a job at Chuck E. Cheeese). I have been honored and done lots of things including becoming a diplomat and despite all of that I got haters, including my grandma and aunt (whom I was extremely close with) who decided they couldn't attend my wedding. Citing religious reasons. Now they know my husband and have known him for 5 years, eaten thanksgiving in our home, we took my aunt out for drinks on her 50th Bday, when her own son abandoned her and yet, a month before the wedding they called my mom to tell her they weren't coming. We live in the same city, they didn't even have the gall to call me and tell me themselves. My husband and I both served during DADT and that was hard but at the end of the day, I was groomed to face rejection and that is one of the most valuable lessons my moms and dad have given me.
     
    #10 BlackguyExecutive, Jan 12, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2016
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  11. Cyrus-Brooks

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    The afrocentric, Pan-Africanis, Hotep clowns, crack pot psychologists, and conspiracy theorists in the black community community are the worst offenders when it comes to this. I've really come to despise these people.

    I tell people this all the time. Effeminate gay men are "out" by default whether they like it or not. That means that for heterosexuals they're the face of gayness.
     
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  12. LeMignon

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    Shout out to your parents! They did the damn thing! Thank you for sharing your amazing story. You definitely were acquainted with many different types of people and that allowed you to break the mold. However, many many black gay men do not have that. It's quite the opposite and family can and usually is the reason that we don't break the mold and do what we want. I just had a conversation with my Dad. He had questions about LGBT stuff and I was happy to explain. At one point he brought up what my aunt asked him which was "Is he eventually going to be flaming?" I honestly couldn't answer that question, but I did tell him that I plan to do me and that that may "break the mold" of what being a Black man usually encompasses.
     
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