Refusal to get tested for STD’s while in a relationship

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Desh92, Jan 24, 2018.

  1. Desh92

    Desh92 Squad Member

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    I have been with a guy nearly a year. From the beginning I let him know that when it came to sex, that I would want to be tested together with my partner before hand.

    I hadn’t been with anyone else, where as he made it clear that he had been with many individuals, but always had safe sex. He claims to have been tested and clear since the beginning of the last year and says he takes annual test.

    We have had safe sex several times, however I have bad nerves regarding STD’s and have still steadily wanted to get tested together.

    In two instances he said he would go get tested alone, never agreeing to idea of going together and making the issue mine and making getting tested together an over step. However he still has not gotten tested since we have been together because and he continually says it it happened right before we met and that it wouldn’t make sense to be tested if he already had just done it.

    After numerous attempts of asking him to take test and him explaining that I have a problem / fear of std’s and that he would never put my life at risk, and how offended he is , the lack of trust that I have in him and he gunhoe stance on not letting me and my issues control him regarding this. I just took that step to get an HIV test alone and was negative.

    I started to not mentioned the results, but ultimately ended up telling him I had gone and he was upset saying that I still don’t trust him.

    This year he said he would go after his new job insurance kicked in, despite me telling him testing is free and me offering him the information.

    Within 2 weeks after the insurance kicked in I asked when he would be making his appointment. Since he said he would get tested but he hadn’t mentioned anything about it. He was infuriated and said that I was withholding sex from him before he hadn’t gone to be tested. Which is partly true, no sex has happened in nearly 2 months

    He claims he wasn’t and needs more sexual interaction/ sex but refuses to get tested and now says since I was negative I should also know he is fine.

    I do understanding that I have a real fear of HIV/STD’s. Is it fair that I subject him to asking for him to get tested again for me? We have faught/ agrued many time regarding this.

    How can I be “opened minded” / “adjust to not having things my way” when it comes to an HIV / STD test? I don’t see it.

    Please help, any commentary
     
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  2. Sean

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    Bro...this is your life. You shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't value your life the way you do.

    Getting tested should never be an argument.
     
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  3. Sean

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  4. African King

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    A close friend of mine went through this exact same experience. That is a huge red flag man. You always need to be in relationship who values YOUR health just as much as YOU do. If he really cares about you, then he would follow you to go get tested.

    Another friend of mine was in a similar situation to your own and put a lot of trust in the partner. He did not trust his intuition and ended up HIV +. This is not to scare you but thank God your outcome was in your favor. I just want you to know @Desh92 that most new cases of HIV do arise from black gay/bi men in relationships.

    Put yourself first and don't be afraid of being alone.
     
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  5. Desh92

    Desh92 Squad Member

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    He also says that I make him feel like the plague because I am reluctant to ensgage in sexual activities. He seems adament on wanting to be together if we can get this issue along with a handful others solved. Ex. Me not being completely out

    He has cried multiple times about this. He just says this is the issue he wont let me force his hand about and my lack of trust, and fear. Dude has given to keys his place, months ago. I see him daily. Thefe is a a lot of emotion.
     
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  6. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub Fair Use Nigga....Fair Use
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    "I hadn’t been with anyone else, where as he made it clear that he had been with many individuals, but always had safe sex."

    Please forgive curtness as I've been watching a lot of Judge Judy lately...but is he the only dick or ass left on the planet?

    [​IMG]

    -It could be dude has had unprotected sex and is afraid to get tested because he is afraid of the results.

    -Great, condoms protect you from HIV but you said you're paranoid about STI's so does that mean yall still do oral with no known test results for hepatitis, herpes, etc?

    If somebody else created this thread, what would you tell them? You not having sex with him means nothing because you already know he is with other dudes, so his needs will get fulfilled.

    What answers are you looking for or what conclusions do you need that your instincts aren't already telling you?
     
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  7. NikR

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    I know multiple people who didn't get HIV from an untrusted source, but from a trusted source. In fact, the first guy I ever slept with only told me that he was HIV positive the week after we fucked. He was "trusted". He was positive because he trusted his then boyfriend years ago.

    If I was wearing my white coat, and you were sitting in the chair across from me as my patient, I would say, "I'm very concerned about you and this relationship. Firstly, you need to consider starting PrEP ASAP to protect yourself from HIV and get tested for all other STIs. After all, this is your health- you can take control of it. Also...this dude sounds like bad news. [insert very serious doctor side eye]"

    But since you're not my patient, and this is the interwebs, imma say, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! RUN. DON'T WALK. RUN. RUN GOD-DAMMIT RUN."

    I've seen this movie before- it doesn't end well.
     
  8. mojoreece

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    Getting tested for HIV and STDs should not be this difficult. It should be very important to a person. Any body that's reluctant to do it is mad suspect; huge red flag.

    This is emotional manipulation
    :camby: PLEASE Kick that n#### to the curve NOW!:ufdup:
     
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  9. Desh92

    Desh92 Squad Member

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    I don’t believe he has been with anyone else since we met and because we both agreed early to be forward about anything. he constantly tells me about the lack of sex and intimacy and how I need to change/ or we to to resolve this. I keep saying just let’s go get a test. Problem solved. He says why does everything have to be about you wants, ( we got other issues too)

    He also says I don’t listen to him and I set in my ways. He describes me as s lawyer when talking and says he I need to be open minded and do stuff a way other than my own.

    I ended a previous relationship like 7 years ago when I was teenager because I was cheated on. I thought about m the health risk if I was to continue with some one how would do that and ended up haveing sex. I told him this just in general ( near we we first met) and he believes my past experience makes me make the whole std concern bigger than it should be
     
  10. African King

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    @OckyDub and @NikR made some amazing points. You know the song by Lauryn Hill called "Ex-Factor"? Your situation is mimicking the song lyrics to an extent.

    Link:

    You have to understand that this man is manipulating you emotionally. All the signs are there and you have to pay attention. He does not care about you or your health. He is only concerned with himself. He keeps telling you that you have other issues but what does that even mean? He does not even want to focus on something you bring up that is important to you.

    He is using information you've shared with him about your past relationship as a weapon against you. He wants to bring up the word trust, which is a heavy word. He is using that as a weapon in his emotional assault against you but he can't even go with someone he claims to have love and trust for to go get tested. Please go and put yourself first! Like Ghost told Sean in POWER (either Season 1 or Season 2), "GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
     
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  11. BlackguyExecutive

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    I don't understand? Getting tested for HIV takes 15-20 minutes and I am sure there are places where you can go and get tested for free. Other STI tests can be obtained on the cheap, walk into most Planned Parenthoods and you can get all the tests. This seems really suspicious and should have your spidey senses going off. Protect yourself.
    [​IMG]
     
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  12. ControlledXaos

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    :maxine:

    Y'all been discussing this longer than it would have taken to go to the clinic and get the tests done. 1 hour in the doctor's office, including waiting room time, and could have had the whole battery of tests done. On the cheap, there's testing done for free in many places.

    He's wasting your time beading around the bush then laying this guilt trip on you. If he's not willing to get tested with you, leave him be. Shit ain't that hard.
     
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  13. takeyourmeds91

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    That was a word and signs are written all over the wall. Seriously man, there's no reason why he should be up there crying over taking an STD test and then trying to redirect the whole conversation to lack of trust. This thing about it is that you can trust someone while also recognizing that they are not infallible - people make mistakes, do things they shouldn't, can be very remorseful about it, and still never tell their partner.

    It's very concerning that if he's not getting his way on this issue (which is a very important issue) then how is he going to treat you in the long-term?

    I understand it from both sides but I don't play about my health. I'd rather be single for the rest of my days than to be with someone who isn't taking my life seriously - more fish in the sea, etc

    Based on what you said, it something about him I don't trust anyway
     
  14. ColumbusGuy

    ColumbusGuy Deactivated Account

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    Holy shit. I agree with everyone who commented.
     
  15. ControlledXaos

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    @Desh92 do you have an update to share or nah?
     
  16. LeMignon

    LeMignon Sith Lord
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    Well I think everyone gave you real advice, even if it's tough love.

    However, if you're stubborn when in love like me, then you'd find a way to get what you want without totally side stepping his "excuses."

    I just so happened to remember an episode of Being Mary Jane where she wanted to fuq the guy she was dating, but wanted to avoid the clinic. So she invited him over one night and they both took a series of STD rapid tests that you can buy over the counter nowadays.

    So, I think you should buy these STD rapid tests! Many of them can be done by pricking your finger and waiting like 20 minutes or so.

    So here are the benefits:

    1. It solves the issue of y'all needing to make time to go to the clinic together and needing health insurance to do so (that's a boolshyt azz excuse).

    2. These tests are private, just between you and him... no clinic staff or State Health department involved. No need to report health history or answer a packet of questions.

    3. This will reveal his long sought after status.

    4. This creates a "moment of truth" that will tell you everything you need to know about this guy and if you need to stay or go. You literally went to trouble of buying these tests to solve an ongoing issue that was holding up y'all's relationship. Will he respect that effort on your part and do the tests?

    And that's all the advice I can offer man. Love can be difficult sometimes, but this is a major issue that can greatly affect your health. I think its worth it to pull this off, or drop him for the reasons stated above. The tests range from $20-40 each, but the investment is well worth if 1) it'll solve the issue or 2) give you proof that you need to drop this guy (your own proof, not just us telling you what to do).

    Best of luck
     
  17. JodyBell87

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    I experienced the SAME thing. Dated this guy for 6 months and he kept promising to get tested. We went to Jamaica and he promised to get tested once we got back. He didn't.
    I asked him why he still hasn't and he said I had trust issues and yadah yadah yadah.
    Once he tried to make me feel bad about wanting the RESPECT I deserve, I let it go.

    NEVER allow someone to play with your life, or make you feel bad about information you should know when dealing with someone.

    He sounds like a loser.
     
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