Best Posts in Thread: Self Acceptance

The first step is letting go of viewing yourself and homosexuality through the eyes of straight family, friends and society. That is often the biggest hurdle...we don't want to "disappoint" others. My favorite is when young people neglect living their lives to the fullest to not "disappoint" grandparents who DID live their lives to the fullest. Its wasted time and a wasted life.

And also realizing that EVERYONE dislikes something about themselves at some point or another...even heterosexuals...even people with great bodies...even wealthy people...even people who seem to have "perfect" lives. We all face this struggle, sometimes all our lives. Some people are better at handling it than others...some people learn to let go through therapy. But reaching out to talk about it (like you did here) is a good start.

 

It's a day to day process. I feel like so many black gay men are broken because of all the things we've had to face our whole lives. Many of us look for love and acceptance through other men and that's just just a recipe for toxic, needy, and unhealthy relationships. We should really find it within ourselves because at the end of the day, the only person who could make you truly happy is yourself. If someone isn't comfortable with themselves, they're going to poison any relationship they have with someone else.

I just say fuck the world. I'm pretty introverted, so it's easy. I have a handful of friends and family who care for me. And that's all I need. Whenever I'm facing something difficult or feeling insecure about something, I always think "What's the worst that can happen?" A lot of the time, the worst isn't even all that bad. And even if it, so what? If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. You can't change that. The only thing you can change is your mindset.

 

Hey guys,

This fourm (and website) has been such a big help for me learning and understanding myself through the different perspectives of such strong, confident, and intelligent gay black men and I just wanted to ask the (loaded) question:

How did you come to love and accept yourself? Was it something you did consciously or did it just come over time? Were you always like that??

Right now it's hard for me to be comfortable in my own skin sometimes and it's been that way for a while but I want to start putting myself out there and be more open to new relationships.

Don't mean to sound mushy or anything, just curious as to how others deal/dealt with this kind of thing.

 

Those are some great questions...

As for me, I find it hard to still love and accept myself. I'm still a work in progress. I love certain things about myself, but because I used to be a heavier dude, my self esteem still has not recovered from feeling like the ugly duckling for 34 years. I think that other people have helped me love myself more through positive reinforcement and validation. Sometimes I still have issues with my esteem.

 

My experience has been interesting. I've always known that I liked men and women (but I do prefer men, bigtime). Personally, it really didn't become an issue for me until college (I didn't date until then). I used to feel like id didn't matter, and I don't really have to choose. However, in college, when the pressure to "choose" became too much, I actually came out.
After college, I met a woman and dated. My gay friends said "You just don't know what you want". My reply was that that labels just don't work for me. I'll accept love from whomever it comes from. And that has been my consistant truth today.
After moving and ending that relatinship, I started dating men again and then a women, who I ended up marying. I was never secretive, nor did I ever try to hide my gay friends.
Many years later, that marriage ended.. and not because of a need to be with a man (so don't get it twisted). However, at this point in my life, it would have to be a VERY special woman to make me go back... . and I say that with a bit of humor and a bit of truth.

Over the years there was so much pressure from the straights to be straight.. and so much pressure from the gays to be gay.
In the end, I just decided to be ME... and keep them mofoes guessin...lol

 

It was a long process, which included lots of therapy. I don't see how any Black, gay man (or is it, "gay, Black man"? LOL) in today's world can get past the constant beat-down we've taken from family, friends, the media, the community (both Black and otherwise), the Church, etc., without the help of a good therapist (a real, licensed therapist, that is). Also, sometimes it helps to get mad- once I realized that some members of my family were embarrassed of me, yet were accepting family members who were ex-cons, unwed parents, thieves, and hypocrites, I decided that I was too pissed off to be ashamed anymore. Lastly, coming out was a scary- but ultimately freeing and healing- experience.

 

When I was very young I always knew that something was up and I use to blame certain experiences for it because I didn't have an understanding of what I was going through. I was very depressed and did counseling from as early as elementary to middle school. But once I entered H.S. I got involved in extra-curricular activities, acted upon my feelings (horse playing lol) and learning about what "gay" was through the internet/youtube videos my depression went away and I just stopped giving a F.

Nowadays I'm comfortable enough to tell you that I'm gay if you ask. I never lied about anything, never had a girlfriend in H.S., never pretended like I was smashing bitches, nothing. My sexuality is still not questioned by my closest friends or some of my family which is funny as hell to me. However, I'm still in the process of self-acceptance and I'm not always happy or comfortable. I came out to my mother three years ago and that was a disastrous week but she suddenly "forgot". I came out to my younger sister last month and since then she's been bugging me about getting a man. But I'd rather it be that than "Hey Girl, we can go shopping now!" or some bs. I would never come out to the males in my family, especially my father who is Jamaican. I'm making progress though!

 

Great responses.
More positivity please

 

I did it consciously. I spent most of my teenage years and undergrad with horribly low self-esteem. Once I got to about junior year in college, I decided that I was going to be open and accepting and to those who couldn't come along for the ride well tough. I know that sounds smug but my parents were accepting so I had that as a foundation. The problem was that I cared more about what external people thought. I was raised to always be viewed as a "decent and respectable" person and to never bring shame to anything you are associated with (family, neighborhood, school, etc) - which conflicted with being attracted to men. This reached a breaking point in grad school and I vowed to never let people have that much power. I literally looked in my bathroom mirror and said "from this day forward I will be open about who I am and let the chips fall where they may". What happened was that I lost no friends and the newer friendships felt much more genuine. Second step was I became affiliated with a group that promoted positive interaction among black gay men. I made some fantastic friendships there and I still refer to the members of that group for a "booster shot" every now and then. It feels good to be around like-minded folk for me. In addition, I also read anything I could get my hands on about living an affirmative life as a gay man. I'm a bit ashamed to admit at 50, I'm STILL not complete but I've accepted that this is my "work-in-progress".

 

My love of self started at an early age. I've always been a go-getter and have had confidence in my ability to go for whatever I wanted. I was always the smart kid, the class clown and most talented and was relatively well-liked and popular--despite being bullied early on as a kid. But like a lot of black men, I went through (and still go though) my share of shit that challenged my sense of self and my confidence. My first and only relationship with a guy did a lot to add to my self-confidence. He taught me an important lesson about attraction that went beyond just physical attributes, and into character, personality, how one interacts with other people and more. Along my journey, I also befriended a pretty accomplished, handsome and overall remarkable slightly older man (he was like 15 years older) who helped me come into a strong sense of self. Regarding my sexuality, he was the one who told me, "as long as you and God are cool, don't worry about what anyone else has to say." This friend also made a passing comment to me shortly after we met after months of emailing. His words still resonate with me today: "handsome and smart...powerful."

All this being said, having your own confidence, sense of self and knowledge of your value and worth is very important, no doubt. But surrounding yourself by sincere people who value everything about you and can help reaffirm and build you up is important as well. It is easy to dismiss the world and fuck everybody, but that is a lonely place that most folks--deep down--really don't want to be. Fortunately, the world is big enough for us to seek out a community that reaffirms our sense of self. I think sometimes we overstate the fact that in a society, we can't live in complete isolation and that as human beings, living in isolation/loneliness, is not good for the majority of people's psyche...but that's another topic.

So yeah, love yourself, but surround yourself by people who love you too.

 

That line is so crucial. You get so wrapped up in trying to walk on egg shells for other people, trying to make sure everyone else is OK but you forget about yourself while they just continue to go about their lives. I really needed to that thank you!