The Lone Bisexual?

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by NickAuzenneNOLA, Jan 3, 2016.

  1. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    What's up fellas? It's come to my attention that I just might be the only active bisexual guy on The Boards! Although I can identify with most post, issues, conversations that are SGL centered my sexuality is a bit different, for obvious reasons, and is far more nuanced than I believe many understand. So I'm taking it upon myself to initiate a conversation, a space within this space for the B of the LGBT to perhaps be better understood via cultivating articles, links, videos on black male bisexuality as it truly is and not the perception of it. I want to thank @Nick Delmacy for the conversation a few days ago and inspiring me to not only be more active but also to be a voice for my little corner of Cypher Avenue.

    "Discussions of sexuality, especially in Black communities, are nuanced and require further examination into what influences our acceptance of self, and the hows and whys of our disclosure choices. Our connection to religion, for example, heavily influences our ideas and behaviors related to our sexuality. Black men especially can find themselves struggling with reconciling notions of "masculinity" in a society that's emasculated them for centuries."
    -Feminista Jones

    Here's one of my favorite articles discussing black male bisexuality, surprisingly written by a black woman.

    [TALK LIKE SEX] Is Male Bisexuality Really Real?

    When whoever wishes to join in has read the article come back here and let's "unpack" some things.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR!
     
  2. acessential

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    This is an interesting topic. I was one of those people who thought bisexuality amongst men was a myth. Especially since I know so many gay men who identified as bisexual when they first came out before fully coming out as gay. Shit, I even did that. I guess I'm part of the problem. It delegitimizes male bisexuality. I know it exists now. One of my friends gave me the best explanation a few years back. He said if people can have legitimate fetishes for feet and other inanimate objects, why is it hard for people to believe that men can be sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women? I think that's when it clicked for me. I also think that a lot of bisexual men never admit their attraction to men and just pose as straight for their whole lives because it's easier. If a woman can satisfy them just as much as a man can, why stir up issues when they can be just as happy either way?
     
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  3. Dr. Strange

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    My friend is bi. Recently, he seems to have found a bit of happiness with a girl he's been dating. Lol, he even encourages me to try it, but I can't even picture it really. I use to see bi people as somewhat selfish, but that's gone now.

    Me faulting someone for being bi is like someone faulting me for being gay, and I don't want to be a part of that cycle.
     
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  4. Jaa

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    I wouldn't say I have absolutely no interest in women but my interest in men is so much greater that, for all intents and purposes, I might as well say I'm gay. I generally feel stronger mental connections with dudes and seek them first when browsing MyVidster, but I've felt bonds with a handful of attractive girls I've known that made them more appealing than usual, relating to me on a level few do. At this point, I doubt many women would even consider me. Any inquiries into my past would bring forth information and experiences that would concern them. I know there are accepting women out there, one of the girls I referenced was bi herself and more open-minded and freethinking than almost anyone I've ever met, but they're hard to find.

    I wish the author had asked the men to detail why they prefer romance with women. Their responses would have added context. I imagine gay dating just presents a whole additional set of issues that aren't present in the already complicated straight dating world. And I understand why they say it's easier to date men because they are often more accepting of sexual fluidity, but they can be critical too. I think some would only consider a bi man if, in their eyes, they can effectively declare them gay. Otherwise, they're often skeptical of one's motives or or honesty or speculate about underlying personal issues. I can understand the skepticism because people, in general, often don't truly know themselves or aren't entirely honest, especially regarding controversial issues, and many gay guys have anecdotes about themselves or gay associates initially coming out as bi believing that it would be seen preferably compared coming out as gay, or maybe maintaining an interest in women does something for the ego or their senses of masculinity. I wish people wouldn't make assumptions about entire populations based on numerous stories that don't paint a full picture, but it's understandable why some simply turn down bi people when there's so much evidence against them and so little in their favor, especially when there's a plethora of "simpler" prospects available.

    Since you mentioned cultivating media and Cypher Avenue loves webseries, I'll add this teaser for Bi: The Webseries. It's about a bi black guy's dating life.

     
    #4 Jaa, Jan 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2016
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  5. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    That's a great explanation. Most delegitimize bisexuality amongst men as a whole and especially within racial minority communities because it's usually thought that anyone who loves, connects, sleeps with etc the same sex is automatically gay or worse on the case of a bi dude he's by default on the DL and attacked for that as well as being mis-preferenced.

    I know that most gays feel it's most acceptable to be bisexual so they use that as a pit stop identifier so they don't get as much backlash and that does actual bisexual men a disservice because it makes it appear to be something you can choose and that its some scheme to live through until you accept that you're gay. I think gay men should figure out where they fall before falsely identifying and leaving that impression on so many.

    If women and animals can have variety in sexuality surely a man is capable of having that same ability and it amazes me when that's not understood even in LGBT circles but as you said so many use bisexuality as a transitional point that I do understand why most people would think it's not real.
     
    #5 NickAuzenneNOLA, Jan 3, 2016
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  6. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    You don't know how much that's appreciated. If most simply took that last little bit of understanding I think it would help a lot.
     
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  7. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    @Jaa
    Since 21 I've fully accepted my bisexuality and I've been out to my family. That was a difficult choice because I spent most of my life thinking that I must be gay because I had the same feelings for guys as I had for women not understanding that the presence of that equal female attraction adds a new factor into what you ultimately identify with. I would read these articles and books that said if you had any attraction to men you're gay etc and for the longest time suppressed that part of my sexuality because I knew that wasn't who I was or how I could honestly identify.

    When I was 13 I found out about bisexuality and pansexuality. I connected with that more and a lightbulb went off because everything about that identity resonated with me yet I still pushed it to the back of my mind because I felt maybe I was the only one dealing with it in my immediate family and friendships, I wasn't. At the time I played sports and didn't want anyone feeling uncomfortable with my presence and it wasn't until I lost my virginity to a woman and had some interactions with men short of sex that I realized I could have and did have the ability to connect at least sexually with both with no problem.

    By 19/20 for me, I developed more emotional connections with dudes, I was in college and had access to more guys that were out and affirming so that is when I actively began dating and forming deep relationships with guys and I also decided that if I was with a woman I would tell her how I identify and give her that choice.

    Overwhelmingly in my experience women have been most accepting so it's often easier just to be with them instead of dealing with the issues gay men might bring with them from their past experiences with people who identified themselves as bi. I think maybe because most women don't have that baggage it's easier to connect with then and not have to live down someone else's misdoings.

    Thank you for sharing that webseries, I'll be checking that out!
     
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  8. Nick Delmacy

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  9. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    Don't think I ever took that survey, will do so though. Shoutout to the 19%, where y'all brothers at?
     
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  10. Dr. Strange

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    I just find it a bit odd for the concern with people. If a bi person is with you, whether dating or relationship, why does it matter? At that point they're attracted or committed to you. One would figure that's all that matters.
     
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  11. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    You would think that and it should be that way but it usually doesn't happen that way.
     
  12. Dr. Strange

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    Ah well, I guess you're an anomaly for being bisexual and I'm one for understanding lol. #anomalies
     
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  13. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    I think many other men here are attracted to women to some degree, they just prefer men mostly.

    So how about this. Since you feel like you're the only true bisexual dude on The Boards and bisexuality is so nuanced as you put it, instead of us telling you about how we view bisexuality, how about you give your own testimony and story to add to the collective backgrounds here.

    Tell us about the process of finally accepting your Bisexuality...

    Tell us about your interactions with heteros as a bisexual black man...

    Your interactions with homos as bisexual black man...

    Is dating better from having more options or worse from being stuck in the middle...

    Do you feel like you don't fit in anywhere? Or do you feel like you have the best of both worlds because you can blend in everywhere...

     
  14. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I definitely have no issue with sharing my story and having dialogue with you or any of the other brothers of CA. I think it's important to hear perspectives different than your own and also to correct misconceptions. So create the space where I can do this and I will. NO PROBLEM Delmacy.
     
  15. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    The space is here, lol. You started the perfect thread for it...Doesn't have to be a biography. Just give us some insights. You've said in multiple threads that being bisexual gives you a very different perspective in the lifestyle. Give us some examples.

    In your Greeks thread, I told a specific story of an experience I had...give us some stories that show us how different and nuanced being bisexual is...
     
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  16. Dante

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    Until the stigma that comes with the reality of living a DL lifestyle (and the disadvantages of that) and the personal and societal phobias of sexuality both completely die, the notion of being sexually attracted to the same gender being looked at as normal and synonyms of that will continue to existence, especially in the church and the household. This does include being a bisexual man vs. being a bisexual woman and being a gay man vs. being a gay woman via the double standard.

    Even after the many booty calls I've had with bisexual men and being the side nigga (because of catching feelings, the sex) with some bisexual men I've had, my view on bisexuality is not tainted. For me, as a gay man, I have no issues being with a bisexual man. Just be completely honest, but don't think that your sexual attraction to women also is the right of passage to "dip on the side" or "dip on the low" with women. The rules of faithfulness applies regardless of sexuality. And that includes the "I don't get into labels...I like what I like" BS, too which is a dead giveaway and is sometimes the sublevel of DL (hence not telling women that, too). If you can agree to that, we good.

    Good article. PLEASE note we are all same-gender-loving and you are not aLONE. We appreciate you and want you to continue hanging with us on Cypher Avenue.
     
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  17. grownman

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    I enjoyed this insight on this subject because it helps with my bias towards "bi-sex". I just wanted to ask the question: Have the women who accepted that part of you were black? I only ask because rarely do I hear of, or see this happening. It could be and probably is because of the sorted spin media topics like this. I also have "small circle" of women willing to accept a man with that sexual nature.

    My white sisters and maybe some other minority groups seem to be more open.
    For example, I went to pick up my nephew from after care. After, picking him up numerous times.
    I became friendly with the female staff. One day, me and my sister told me while we were chilling that 2 of the of the women had a crush one me. One of them Hispanic and the other was white. My sister told both of them that I was I gay. I had no issue with that, The Hispanic backed off but she said the white lady asked her "does he date women at all." My sister thought it was funny but I didn't. To me that was a ignorant question and I just don't see black women going for that.

    In the long run it doesn't matter because you are who you are-but it's just a strange idea to think that a person can sexually feel two sexes.
     
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  18. cypher21

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    I do as well! I understand it would hit me like a ton of bricks if a guy cheated on me with another woman but if I'm in a relationship regardless there's a chance they won't be faithful...in the end it actually doesn't matter. I can't be a woman but I can't be another man either, can't do for you what they can apparently..:yeshrug:

    Anyway, that ok! Even if you are now, you can be our in-house specialist lol I'll go to you with any Bisexual questions haha (respectfully of course)....I've often wondered if I'm not gay but simply bisexual because I've developed feelings for females in the past, had real crushes but never really connected on a sexual level with them. I could count on one hand the number of times a woman has turned me on but compared to men that's nothing. Taking that Kinsey scale test turned out to be pretty accurate I think.
     
    #18 cypher21, Jan 3, 2016
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  19. Dante

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    Was the feelings you had for females or a female sexual/physical attraction or infatuation/admiration on her/their physical appearance?
     
  20. cypher21

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    I don't quite understand the difference, forgive me! I find females physically attractive at times like their facial features body, breasts, that sort of thing but the actual thought of sleeping with them isn't arousing or anything. There's this girl I know for instance, known her for yeeeaars had a big crush I guess you could say in high school but never did or said anything. Even though I no longer think about her anytime I see her now I still feel like there's something there...but for every one female crush or infatuation (haven't had one since high school, freshman college) there are at least two or three male ones so I don't know lol.
     
  21. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I did kind of touch on many of those questions in this post but I'll answer each one individually.

    I ultimately accepted my bisexuality at 21.
    As I said I was 13 when I really realized that you could be attracted to both men and women and you weren't automatically lumped in as being gay. Until that point everything I had ever read concerning my feelings toward men and women said that any man that had sexual desires for men was gay and if he had those same desires for women he is DL. This is when the JL KING bs was everywhere and I knew that had nothing to do with who I am so I pushed it to the back of my mind as a phase. As I got older, started having sex with women and having intimate situations with dudes I knew at least sexually I was attracted to both but I still wasn't able to allow myself to emotionally connect with a man. By the time I left home for college I had put it behind me in my mind but getting on campus and being faced with so many out LGBT people in an accepting setting let me know maybe it was ok to explore it but I was too insecure at the time and I was also being looked at by a couple of organizations and didn't want anything to come out and mess up my chances. So I ended up not acting on it until I was 20. At that point I emotionally, spiritually, and ultimately sexually connected with a guy and for all intents and purposes that was my first SGL relationship. At that point I knew it was possible for me to feel the same connection to a male as I did a female and a year later, because I had fallen in love and shit, I came out to my family. The relationship didn't last but I don't regret it because it motivated me to be honest about who I am although I am a naturally private person when it comes to my relationships I have no shame attached to people knowing I'm with a man like I wouldn't have if I was with a woman. I've since only dated a couple of women and one other male. Currently single.
     
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  22. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    Absolutely, a lot of them say they wouldn't accept it but in my experience if you keep it honest with them they will! I've almost exclusively dated black women and not one that I told had any issue. Most secure people that understand bisexuality don't have an issue and would respect you for not lying in my experience. In fact most black women have liked the idea of "turning me straight".
     
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  23. grownman

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    Thanks man. Good post.
     
  24. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I think that in any committed monogamous relationship the expectation of honesty and faithfulness should be there. If you are with anyone regardless of their sexual preference and you can't trust that they won't cheat that's an issue that should be centered around that persons actions not their sexuality because cheating has more to do with that persons moral code then anything else. As a man you should be able to commit yourself to one person but I do know folks cheat. It's not a solely bi issue or LGBT issue period some niggas are just weak.
     
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  25. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    Most of the people I interact with are heterosexual as far as I know. I'd say about 90% of my friends and family are straight and they all have accepted who I am with time. Anyone outside of them I don't even recognize. I did have cousins or folks I believed were my brothers say slick shit or take jabs but I'm known to cut anyone off that isn't a positive addition to my life so they often get that.

    In public settings if I'm out on a date or out with a guy I'm with doing regular couple shit I don't make it a point to make it seem like we aren't on a date or that we aren't together so people pick up on it and sometimes again they have questions and some girls give you that damn all the brothers are taken by other brothers spill or the you're too fine to be with another dude thing. Most dudes don't say shit at all they try to just ignore it altogether in my experience.
     
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  26. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    My interactions with gay men that I was not interested in have been 50/50 positive and negative.

    Gay men that I am platonic friends with are cool! Never have had issues with them and they generally understand me. The ones that want to take things further than that when I'm interested as well are great but when I'm not that's usually when I get the you're gay "trade" anyway, that I'm confused and that I ust need to be real. I've only experienced push back from a gay man after I expressed I wasnt interested in them, well up until last week, any other time it's been cordial at least and the ones that don't get it make disrespectful comments or ask questions in ways I would never respond to so those I don't vibe well with.
     
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  27. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    I don't consider myself stuck in the middle. I can be just as interested in a man as I can a woman and when I'm pursuing that person no one else matters. I don't personally feel I'm lacking anything by not exploring the other part of my sexuality when I'm with one or the other so I don't experience that feeling in the middle aspect. I feel more that way being biracial than I do being bisexual.

    I do think having more opportunities at pursuing a relationship is a plus but i'd venture to say that it all balances out a bit more if you take into account there are men and women that just won't date bisexual men.
     
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  28. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    Wherever I go there I am.

    Fitting in is a state of being I think. I think if you are a good person, respect others, demand to be respected, treat others well, demand that you are treated well most people around you will honor that regardless of sexuality. If they don't you're around the wrong crowd. I don't associate with anyone that's not affirming in my life. I don't have the same tolerance as most LGBT people do.

    I don't try to be anything I am who I am. When I'm in heterosexual circles there's tons of things I identify with and can assimilate in to and the same in homosexual settings. As long as I remain me I feel like I can fit wherever you place me because I'm charming, welcoming, and respectful. Most people have a hard time finding something wrong with that.
     
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  29. Nick Delmacy

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    Identity is so fragile and definitely surpasses semantics. I always thought that Jason Collins should be considered Bisexual because he managed to maintain a sexual relationship with a woman for 8 years. Yet he considers himself fully gay. Technically he should be labeled Bisexual but how can you argue with a person's own identity for themselves?

    Conversely, I've seen men even on this site argue with us that they are NOT gay, they are Bisexual. They may commingle with homosexuals but they don't view the two labels as being one and the same, that they are separate altogether, no spillover.
     
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  30. African King

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    That is interesting that you (@NickAuzenneNOLA) can go back and forth between both worlds (str8 and gay).

    When I am around heterosexual men, pretty much all my friends in school, I can hang with them until they begin talking about all the sexual stuff regarding women. I just be quiet. But sometimes I will chime in but I don't force anything. Like there is a str8 black guy in my class who keeps playing about taking me to King of Diamonds (strip club in North Miami) and I just laugh it off and say I am not about to blow my financial aid money on strippers lol. (Too bad I blew like $100 at Swinging Richards in ATL though over the course of two days hahaha)

    When I am around homosexual men, it can be interesting. It can be good or bad. I've been around gay black men and man... sometimes it can be TOO DANG GAY. LOL! When some gay black men treat their group more like a sisterhood instead of a brotherhood, it gets to be wayyy to much.

    I am making more of an effort to meet more black gay men in my area through this group called BLACC (www.iamblacc.com) out here in FL. I hope to find more black gay men to relate to in real life.
     
  31. African King

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    It is interesting you say that. One of my mentors is 64 and he was married for over 20 years to a woman. She passed on and he is now with his husband of 24 years. He has a 38 year old son too. He considers himself gay. I guess it is up to the individual to label himself.
     
  32. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    They are distinctively different sexual identities however of course theres overlap! We both have attractions to the same sex. I think thats a matter of someone trying too hard to not associate themselves. As far as Jason Collins and I'd say millions of other men that have had relationships with women and even had successful marriages but now identify as gay like @African King mentioned are definitely gay because that's how they identify and to be honest they were gay when with women. It's called situational heterosexuality. We all are capable of it if the right factors align where we have to perform a solely straight role I believe it wouldn't be difficult. I don't know any gay man that has never been with a woman although I'm sure there are a few. Does that make them bisexual? Absolutely not. Same concept with situational homosexuality in the prison system and military where straight men engage in homosexual acts because they have the carnal desire to connect sexually as human beings and if the presence of a woman isn't there they can mentally make allowances for having sex with a man and they still consider themselves hetero.
     
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  33. African King

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    Yeah there is situational homosexuality and situational heterosexuality. I am pretty sure I would have adapted the latter if I ended up going to high school (and possibly college) in Nigeria like my parents wanted me to when I was 14. It all depends on what you have going on really.

    @NickAuzenneNOLA since you're comfortable in your own skin now, do you think that bisexual men have it easier than gay men when it comes to discrimination from the outside world (not considering the discrimination that can be associated with bisexual men dating gay men)? I ask because it was mentioned before in this or another thread how people come out as bisexual when they are actually homosexual. Then they end up saying that they are homosexual (and I'm specifying men here). Women that are bisexual have it SO much easier than bisexual men from what I observe. If we narrow it down to black people, black men see bisexual women as a turn-on. Then black women see it more as a "Oh Hell No!" (in my Maya Wilkes voice lol) but there are exceptions to the rule like you mentioned before with how some black women like the allure of "turning you str8".
     
  34. Jai

    Jai I'm honing in on my inner freak.
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    I love looking at beautiful women and nice tits but have to say no to the cooch.

    I'm a weird-sexual..
     
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  35. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    @African King Honestly, I don't believe it's easier I do know that it's different. I believe it's a set of different struggles and discrimanatory practices associated with each. Gay men are more visible than bisexual men so often times are better received and bisexual men are often left out altogether. On the flip side bisexual dudes have the luxury of complete assimilation if they choose and many gay people may be envious of that and thus treat Bi's in SGL circles like redhead red stepchildren.
     
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