The N-word and the F-word

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by acessential, Mar 9, 2017.

  1. acessential

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    This topic is a little different. Perhaps even a bit heavy. What’s your worst experience with someone calling you a “nigger” or a “faggot?” How did it make you feel? And if you’ve been called both, which one had the greatest impact on you?

    In sixth grade, I went to a magnet middle school across town for math and science. I had most of my classes with other magnet students from throughout the city. They tended to be a bit more mature and none of us had any major issues with each other. But I did have to take at least two of my elective classes with the “regulars” (students who attended because they were zoned for that school, not because they were part of the magnet program). I took this one elective class that was pretty much a free for all. We could walk around the classroom, work in groups, or work alone. I didn’t really know any of these kids, so I usually worked alone. I was also a super nerd. I had this huge afro that I still didn’t know how to properly pick out. This one dude, for some reason, just didn’t like me. He was either white or really light skinned Latino. He would whisper behind my back and he and his friend would laugh. I would usually just ignore him because I was a good kid and didn’t want to get in trouble. Then one day he spit in my afro. I didn’t even feel it because my hair was so thick and I didn’t realize until one of the other kids told me. Soon after, he got bold and called me “nigger” directly. I got scared, but I stood up, to show some semblance of strength, even though I was extremely nervous and had no intention of doing anything. He just started giggling. Eventually his actions started quieting down and he later got in trouble for something unrelated and I never saw him again. I think he moved classes.

    At a really young age, before I started kindergarten, I was called a “faggot” by my older sisters. I learned right away that, that wasn’t a good thing. Apparently, when I was 4 years old, I rubbed one of the neighborhood boy’s legs. To this day, I do not remember that incident at all, but ever since then, they started calling me that. They even repeated the story in front of the other neighborhood kids and told them not to play with me. Fortunately, the other kids were just confused. I don’t think they fully understood what happened and didn’t really change their interactions with me. Eventually, my sisters stopped and now they’re very supportive and even regretful of what happened. I chop it up to childhood idiocy. Despite that, I think that time period had a stronger impact because I immediately associated being “gay” with “bad” and that has followed me ever since. Luckily, I haven’t been teased or bullied about my sexuality in school, but it’s still interesting to think that, that one incident has had the strongest impact.

    Anyway, stories? I’m interested in reading.
     
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  2. BlackguyExecutive

    BlackguyExecutive Je suis diplomate
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    Hmmm...this is interesting because I immediately remember both occasions very vividly. Actually, a few of these thoughts were resurfaced when @ColumbusGuy posted the great article Why Didn't Gay Rights Cure Gay Loneliness?. I have been thinking about that article all week.

    The first time I was ever called the N-word, I was at 9 years old. A group of friends and I were stopped and illegally search by the police. The interesting thing was my group of friends was fairly diverse. The officers called us N words among other superlatives and searched our belongings. I remember at the time I didn't think too much of it and then our parents found out and things got really bad. I remember my mom being so upset which made me upset. Lawyers got involved and the case was settled out of court.

    The first time I was called the F-word, I was 10 years old and I was being bullied on the school bus by this kid who bothered me every day. I was the good kid, quiet, kept to myself. One day, this kid just started calling me the F-word over and over, I remember being so embarrassed that my eyes were tearing up. Finally, this older girl steps in and told the kids to stop. I remember running home and telling my mom that I didn't want to take the school bus anymore. She could tell that I was upset but she never really got to the root issue of why I was upset. She did, however, start taking and picking me up from school. I never took a school bus again.

    I don't remember if I knew exactly what the F-word meant at the time but I did know it was bad. I have really been thinking about this passage from the article I previously mentioned: "Adam had learned to manage his mannerisms so well that no one suspected him of being gay. But still, he says, “I couldn’t trust anyone because I had this thing I was holding. I had to operate in the world as a lone agent.” This was me from middle school well into college. In many ways, I still monitor my mannerism. I always was teased because of the way I talked, I was very proper for a black kid. It wasn't the sound of the voice but the way I constructed sentences. I remember people saying I was going to grow up and either become a priest or gay. At the time, I was I wonder why having a command of the English language lead to the priesthood or gayness...
     
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  3. Nicholan

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    This is a sensitive topic and reading both of your experiences, @BlackguyExecutive and @acessential, makes me cringe. It's really crazy thinking about the cruel experiences that we go through as children and how they shape us as we transition into adulthood.

    I've never been called "the N word," but I have been called "the F word." The details are somewhat fuzzy, but the only issue I had with peers came from other black boys. It's funny because I was just having a conversation with one of my good friends today about how I stayed away from sports (especially sports that black boys played) because my social interactions with them were always like walking on eggshells. I was a shy and mild mannered child which was another reason to stay away from my black male peers who were more aggressive, and mean in a lot of cases.

    I remember I use to visit my grandmothers house a lot during the summers. ALL my cousins played basketball (even my female cousin), but I was the one who shied away from sports and put more focus into art. Nevertheless, I use to hang with my cousin in the neighborhood and play basketball with the other neighborhood guys.

    Some days were good, some days were bad. It really just depended on who was out and what kind of mood they were in that day lol.

    I specifically remember two occasions where the bullying just got REALLY BAD and I was being called a FAGGOT left and right! They shouted it with so much passion. Like--it came from the GUT--with a hard F, lol. It's funny because reading @BlackguyExecutive's post, it brought back the emotions that I felt.

    IT WAS EMBARRASSING!

    [​IMG]

    I remember fighting back the tears and just trying to focus on playing basketball. But it's hard to focus when guys are throwing the ball AT you instead of TO you--literally. Eventually I would have a breaking point and went back to my grandmothers house to take a nap. Taking a nap was always my way out in those types of situations.

    Another thing that hurt was the fact that my cousin, a black male, wouldn't even have my back. He would stand there and laugh. These types of experiences growing up taught me to put a guard up when interacting with black men. Sad, but true.
     
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  4. Boaxy

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    N word:
    There was this white boy I had a "crush" on in my senior year of High School. He and a bunch of other white guys in his group called all the black kids at the school "N'gs" on a repetitive basis. I think he was straight up racist. None of the teachers did anything. But yeah it was kinda fucked up.

    There were other instances, like we were at this restaurant/club for Karaoke night. We are kinda buzzed and living it up right. My aunt who her husband is white, we were just Ki ki ing and having fun. We were a little loud yes. I'm not gonna lie. But we weren't bothering anybody. This white lady comes up to our table/booth and says something along the lines of, "Oh, so because y'all N'gs, are with a white man, you guys think that allows it so you can act like that. Well I don't like it." She then stormed off. So yeah. That was kinda sad.

    F word:

    I live in Los Angeles.

    I was just minding my own business. Walking down Santa Monica boulevard. I had on a very fierce outfit. I was looking nice. I was on the sidewalk. This car full of white guys pulls up to the curb. I assumed they wanted to ask me directions or talk to me. So I stop walking. All of them then flip me off and say, "Fgt", with angry looks on their faces and drive and speed away. I thought that was so depressing to experience that.

    Another instance, I was walking home from work. I was dressed the way I like. There was a bunch of straight guys outside a bar just hogging the sidewalk. I told then "excuse me" so I can get pass. They then say, "let's get away from this fgt. get away from that f, just step away from him." etc. I cussed them out yes, but it was just very saddening for that to happen.
     
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