The New Guy...

Discussion in 'Career, Work, Finances and Education' started by Fanon, Nov 2, 2016.

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  1. Fanon

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    So shortly after Mr. NWU* aka "work crush" switched from the math department to the reading department (he's a writer/journalist after all), I got another guy that was willing to help out in my classroom. Great right?! Well, not exactly...you see it's REALLY awkward between us.

    It's awkward because he's trying to figure me out.

    I can tell the new guy is trying to figure out whether or not I'm gay. It's a little unfair for him because I know he's gay because he's...*how do I say this without someone's panties getting in a bunch?* a little on the feminine side of things and, like I do with every other volunteer who helps me, I did a little background check.

    Btw, your Facebook tells all...lol.

    Anyways, his gaydar is sending out certain kinda frequencies (non-verbal communication) that only another same-sex attracted man would pick up and I'm intentionally pretending I don't hear them.

    Why? Because I'm worried about the rest of my coworkers finally knowing, without a shadow of a doudt, I'm gay. I know, I know, I know!

    But before you whip out the torches and pitchforks and burn me at the stake, lemme explain first...

    For those who don't know, I'm discreet. Basically, if you don't know I'm gay it's probably because I feel that's none of your fucking business. I personally prefer my coworkers not know what I do and who I do it with in my bed.

    Plus, I've clocked that many "ain't down with dat gay shit."

    I've seen how they've treated and subtly distanced themselves from the one or two openly gay guys we've had since I've been working there and it's not fair nor something I personally want. And because heterosexual logic presumes the following: one's proximity to homosexuality is homosexual. I've kept a safe distance from them as to maintain my cover.

    But, here's the problem: unlike the other gay men, the new guy is working with me in my class. I can't distance myself from him even if I wanted to.

    I was extra worried last week because old ass Miss Edwards just kept coming into my classroom just spying on us and it was so obvious as to why she was doing it too. So I know she has her suspicions...

    And it didn't help that I went and had to be a dick at last week's math department meeting and leave him to grade all those papers by himself because I didn't want it to look a certain way.

    I normally don't care what people think of me regarding my sexuality, but that's usually after I've told them I'm gay. This is different. I'm not in control of what they'll think of me and the things I know they'll say behind my back...

    So what do I do? I'd like to maintain my discretion, but not be so stand-offish towards the new guy.

    Has anyone else been in a situation similar to this?


    Am I even making any sense...? Lol

    Sidenote:

    *Mr. NWU is straight and recently married! *le sigh* Oh well, his wife's a very lucky lady.
     
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  2. Ockydub

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    Yeah...all this makes sense but...umm...this is supposed to be a professional work environment. I've had to work with and manage plenty of fem gay dudes before...some knew some didn't and either way I was still discreet. Something about this situation isn't sitting well with me. I can't put my finger on it.
     
  3. DreG

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    With co-workers,interns,etc, I see no problem keeping a respectable distance.How are you with the rest of them? I'm friendly,but not terribly close with my coworkers.Same for the obvious gay men with whom I've crossed paths professionally.Showing him too much or too little attention would stand out if I were any of your nosey-azz colleagues.Treating him differently than anyone else is a sign of over-compensation.

    If you don't want him to know,continue to ignore his hints and signals.
    You can be appropiately affable with the guy without being too close with him and encouraging him to get in your business.
     
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  4. Fanon

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    I honestly don't care whether he figures it out or not. We're both gay, so... :yeshrug:. Should I tell him? Just so we don't have this slight awkwardness between us?

    I'm only distancing myself and keeping our conversations to a strict minimum because I'd like to keep my discretion amongst some of the people I work with who'll start acting shady if they know I'm gay. But a part of me feels kind of bad because I'm only acting this way toward him because he's more obviously gay than I and to protect my own self-interest.

    Is it me? The new guy? Some of my co-workers/co-volunteers? Lol Help me out here.
     
  5. Fanon

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    I'm just as distant with them about certain aspects of my personal life. I see my job as just that...my job. I see no rhyme or reason to go running my mouth about certain things with some of them as they've clearly expressed how they feel about homosexuality. Not everyone on the staff is like that, though. In fact, I know the director's son is gay and almost all of the women on admin are "f*g hags."

    Thanks for commenting! It helped a lot.
     
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  6. ColumbusGuy

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    This is just life. Live your life and deal with this shit-it will not go away. Being yourself does not mean you have to broadcast anything, but it also means not having to worry about shit like this-it will happen anyway regardless of what you do or don't do-you won't please everyone. Do you and let the chips fall where they may. Often when things go bad at one place it is for the best-you just never know with life. It is not worth the thought or worry-that shit ages you inside and out. JMHO.

    Concentrate on doing a good job and the decent people will judge you on that, not on your personal life. The rest, fuck them. Again, JMHO.

    *also, if you know someone already has 'suspicions', then that one, and the ones who will judge you negatively are already gossiping and judging you now behind your back-you can almost be sure of that. That is how those kind are. You probably won't lose much. And the worry about what these people think, them 'distancing' themselves from you, is causing you to 'distance' yourself from other gay guys who are not your enemy. Is that what you really want? Just something to think about.
     
    #6 ColumbusGuy, Nov 3, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2016
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  7. jpo

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    Discretion is not a sin for gay folks. You get to decide how out you want to be in any given situation. Although you may have no control over what people may think.

    My coworkers knew I was gay and it was no big deal - they knew my partner. But you could say I was discreet in other ways and other situations. I worked on and off on projects with someone for ten + years. He is prominent in the local gay community. One night I was at a reception with my then boyfriend. As the night wore on I noticed my boyfriend and this guy talking. I joined them and discovered that the subject of conversation was me and the fact that the guy had known me for all this time and worked closely with me but never knew I was gay. My boyfriend said that we had known each other slightly for a few years and he was surprised when I asked him out on a date. He too had no idea. I didn't see the joke.

    Anyway, this is sort of the flip side of your situation. Out at work, more discreet in other situations. But the point is that though I knew both of these guys were gay I treated our relationship as I did with any other person - as a social relationship. That is until I decided that I liked the guy who became my boyfriend.

    I think there is more sensitivity in your situation because you are in an educational environment and things can get a little crazy where kids are around. @ColumbusGuy has it right about just going about your job. And I would be careful about leaving him to do work that you might be involved with (like marking papers) because you don't want to give him a reason to complain about you.
     
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  8. ControlledXaos

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    Just to add . . . .

    Are you worried that he's gonna run and tell that if you are to confirm for him or that he'd get "comfortable " and start mentioning you to other staff ?
     
  9. Fanon

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    You must be referring to Miss Edwards? Well, I had a previous experience with her that made her begin to suspect I liked men.

    Thanks for commenting.
     
  10. Fanon

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    No, he may be on the feminine side, but he's certainly not the messy type. I think he was trying to figure me out and see whether or not I was gay and/or, if he thinks/thought I was straight, if I'd be homophobic. As we all know how some straight black men can be around feminine gay men. I did notice when I looked at his Facebook that he has a lot of female friends, so he may have had some bad experiences with straight black men and perhaps feels uncomfortable around them (lord knows I do sometimes...especially when they start talking about gays and such) was trying to be cautious....but now I'm overanalyzing things.
     
  11. ControlledXaos

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    Well proceeding with caution is understandable.

    Just keep things going as they are now. Just don't treat him any differently than anybody else.
     
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  12. LeMignon

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    This is true af!
     
  13. King Zorro

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    I'm in the same exact boat. At this point, I think my coworkers know but I don't think it matters. Even with their suspicions, as of this morning, I was able to be promoted to higher department. So all in all, if it doesn't effect your work or position, you shouldn't care. Maybe he'll turn out to be a good friend (wishful thinking lol), who knows.
     
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  14. Nicholan

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    This post just made me think of something, although I don't have an answer to your question. The reason why guys are "discreet" is because they are worried about how they would be treated by others. So sad...

    But really, is the social interaction really genuine if they would drop you the minute they found out that your sexuality is different from theirs? No it's not, and me personally, I don't want that fake ass energy in my space anyway.

    It's funny--looking back, the only group of people who I have EVER had an issue with socially because of my sexuality have been BLACK HETEROSEXUAL MEN. It's a wild reality...
     
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  15. DC.

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    @Nicholan I'm so here for this. I totally agree dude! I don't want homophobic people around me or have to befriend them or feel awkward when relationship conversations come up and am made to feel awkward because I know the rest of the group disapproves. I am a grown man paying too many bills to be dealing with all that. As for @Fanon i do get where your coming from bud, but trust me just because you can establish a friendship with him doesn't mean anything. I've send some straight men at my job laugh it up with the receptionist and he's obviously gay, but that's also because they're very secure in their sexuality. Don't treat him any differently. I do understand you simply just being private at work because I'm the same way too a job for me is just a job. Where the checks come in every week. But also keep in mind sometimes we meet people through the very interests we share with them which sometimes can be a job in the capacity of working together. Not necessarily saying him but with anyone. But I do understand not wanting to be personal at work because you don't want lines to be blurred. Trust your intuition on this one but people are already suspecting then that means they already know. You know.
     
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  16. BlackguyExecutive

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    There is something about the original statement that is missing, I feel like we are missing something crucial with respect to the fact pattern. With that being said, I think you should go about your business in a professional manner and live your life by your own standards. I am not sure why the situation reads so awkward. I am of the belief that if it comes up answer truthfully and move on. If it doesn't come up there is not need to provide extra information.

    We have to realize that we spend more time with our coworkers than we do with our own families and loved ones. You definitely don't want to create an environment where you are trying to manage multiple lives and personalities to make people who may be homophobic feel better. I also think you should give people the benefit of doubt, most people don't care as much as our minds like to think they do.
     
    #16 BlackguyExecutive, Mar 8, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2017
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  17. Fanon

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    Honestly, it's been quite the opposite for me. Even though he admits he doesn't understand my sexuality, my father is cool with me being gay. And my brother, who's straight, took my cousin and I to Orlando's Parliament House for NYE...where I proceed to get piss drunk because all the guys were hitting on my brother.:beli:

    Thank for your comment.

    I guess I just don't see the point in making it everyone's business. Like how/when does my sexuality come into play with me educating my students? I never understood gay men who felt they needed to proclaim to the world their sexuality...particularly when it's blatantly obvious they're gay.

    If they have their suspicions (which I'm sure they do), so be it...I couldn't change them even if I wanted to. As of yet, no one has asked, so I won't tell.

    Thanks for your comment.
     

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