Went On Jack’d To Get Laid...Instead I Got Recognized

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Nick Delmacy, Sep 23, 2016.

?

Do you use a dating app or site? If so, are your face pics public or private?

  1. Yes, and my face pics are public.

  2. Yes, but my face pics are private.

  3. No, I do not currently use any dating apps or sites.

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy
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    150401-jackd.png

    I got recognized on a hookup app for gay men
    By Michael Arceneaux

    I squandered my 20s by not having enough sex. If I were rating my sex life in that decade through emoji, I behaved like the yellow one with his eyes closed and a straight line where a smile should be. I should have acted more like a cross between the eggplant and the one no one I know uses to signify raindrops. I wish I had been more of a slut, and while I am well aware that it is never too late to join the team, there are certain consequences that come with lateness. For me, that is a sense of stunted development.

    I reflected on my struggle with intimacy, and its source, an early exposure to AIDS — by way of my AIDS-stricken uncle’s funeral when I was just six years old — in an essay for xoJane in 2014. After that, I decided to correct the problem. Strangers online were encouraging in a “You go boy, don’t press eject on your erections anymore!” fashion, but some of my friends – the gay male ones – were a bit more pointed in their commentary. I remember one person in particular advising to “be a better gay,” and get laid without the getting-to-know-you process. What followed was the suggestion to try “the apps,” which I admittedly rolled my eyes at.

    Hook up apps like Jack’d and Grindr are an acquired taste. For the longest time, I didn’t like anything about them. In my mind, I am a Beyoncé, so to partake in the apps – which are basically like Seamless for sex – felt degrading, like lowering myself to the level of former Destiny’s Child member turned reality star who refuses to sing on air (LaTavia Roberson).

    And then I had a change of heart.

    For months, I flirted with the idea of meeting people, only to punk out. “These motherfuckers could be crazy” were the exact words I used. Ultimately, I truly gave in.

    I thought it was going to end with me becoming the inspiration for a future episode of Law & Order: SVU.

    The first time I actually met someone from Jack’d, which is described as a “gay men’s social network” but is majorly used for what I would describe as “ho shit,” I thought it was going to end with me becoming the inspiration for a future episode of Law & Order: SVU. In my profile, I make it very plain that such a scenario is not ideal, my bio reads: “I don’t ever want to end up the inspiration behind an episode of Law & Order: SVU.”

    tumblr_lafez4MOjt1qzbhzlo1_500.jpg

    Once we finished and he exited, I could no longer find my keys, prompting my suspicion that this man, whatever his name was, was good with his mouth but not at following directions. I was suddenly paranoid and sure he had stolen my keys and was planning to return to my apartment to slit my throat. Or something.

    After two hours of searching my (not that large) apartment, I found my keys in a kitchen cabinet.

    What’s most interesting about this story is that when it comes to hook up apps, this is not the most embarrassing one.

    Not long after that incident, people started recognizing me.

    I was using “Slim Shady” as a screen name on Jack’d, but getting messages like: “Hey, Michael. I love your blog, The Cynical Ones! You’ve been such an inspiration to me.” Other inquiries were related to whether or not I was “@youngsinick from Twitter,” and again, came conversations about my work as a freelance writer.

    I never dawned on me that to some — namely those younger or around the same age as me — I am one of the few working gay black male writers they know. I’m not nearly on the level I want to be, but I am not necessarily living in obscurity as I thought, either.

    When I shared this with my friend, Alex, he said, “I don’t get how you feel like you wouldn’t get recognized. You’re an openly gay journalist who writes everything, everywhere. All these Negroes aren’t illiterate, ignorant bottoms.” Fair enough.

    Because the Internet churns out so much, so often, a writer can worry about getting lost in the shuffle. I forgot that there are many — but few of me. I’m not the only gay black male writer, but I am one of the few who are 30 (youngish), and sharing my experiences in spaces outside of gay media. It turns out that Places where black aunties and uncles primarily read (EBONY, Essence); sites my niece likely frequents more than I (BET.com); where straight men are (Complex); and sites that feel as white as that new gentrified coffee shop in Harlem with amazing vegan cookies (Time). Since I work from home, being clocked on a hook up app is my realization that people might actually read me.

    Man%2C%2520binoculars.jpg

    So, one the one hand, it was flattering to be recognized and to be complimented about my work. On the other: That is not the point of a hook app up. Moreover, because I know there is a stigma attached to those who use these apps, I worried that being visible on Jack’d would eventually lead someone to question my character.

    Two months later, I was told that someone screen capped a conversation I had on Jack’d with some other stranger that ended up in some Facebook group. I don’t know what the group is for; one presumes it’s for bitches that don’t know how to mind their own business.

    I never asked what was said. I just immediately deleted the app. A month later I reinstalled it, then days later deleted it again. It’s been an on again, off again process ever since.

    Others have told me that they wouldn’t dare use something like Jack’d. It seems seedy, desperate, lazy, or some other adjective that describes behavior one should be “above.”

    A lot of people have an attitude about apps. Others have told me that they wouldn’t dare use something like Jack’d. It seems seedy, desperate, lazy, or some other adjective that describes behavior one should be “above.”

    So while I could talk about my sex life, or lack thereof, on an NPR program as I did last summer with Michele Martin, I was embarrassed when confronted about Jack’d. The stigmas attached stuck with me.

    I remember a lot of gay men dissecting the Huffington Post essay “Why I’ve Given Up on Hooking Up,” in which writer Lester Brathwaite laments about how the apps invoke his insecurities about masculinity, femininity, body image, and a desire to “make real connections in the real world.” Brathwaite’s truth is his, but my takeaway was that he’d come across those same issues on any social media platform and in the real time in “the real world.”

    I’m not sure if the intent was to dissuade everyone else from hookup culture, but it was cited plenty by peers to make such a case.

    Likewise, in an interview with Metro, Sam Smith argued that apps like Tinder and Grindr are “ruining romance,” explaining, “We’re losing the art of conversation and being able to go and speak to people.”

    This is British bullshit. The men I have dated are men I have approached. I know how to have a conversation and I know how to walk up to someone. Sometimes I just want to use technology for the sole sake of securing sloppy head from a stranger I don’t have to be bothered with ever again.

    It’s the iPhone equivalent of the “Independent Women (Part II)” line: “Only ring your celly when I’m feeling lonely, when it’s all over, please get up and leave.”

    Why should I feel about guilty about it? This question is something I had to finally confront. Not only did I carry with me the paranoia about what happens if you don’t have sex safely, I dragged along the notion that certain ways of getting off is worthy of shame. As a runaway Catholic, I often feel guilty about everything even when I shouldn’t. And as someone who was raised to keep everything private, public acknowledgement of such behavior sometimes feels more of a burden than it needs to.

    But if Marc Jacobs can admittedly use Grindr and Tinder, I’ll should be fine. In an interview with Paper magazine, Jacobs professed not having “hang-ups about those kind of things,” explaining, “I just think it’s so much better to sort of be honest about those things. I always find it very dubious and I don’t really trust people who deny human instincts.”

    I know from experience that if I want to have sex, I can. And if I want to be Mariah Carey one day (sex as a lullaby with some Disney prince), Janet Jackson another (acrobatic sex on the third date), or behave like a rapper in some video model’s DMs (thirsty and will likely run when done), it’s my Bobby Brown (prerogative). Without even the slightest hint of shame.

    But if you do recognize me on an app, know that I’m probably not there to talk about work.
     
    Dante and mojoreece dapped this.
  2. ColumbusGuy

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    He is a very nice looking guy...

    If this is true even to an extent, he need to get over this. Good self esteem involves confidence, not arrogance(I am not hating on him, having been the opposite and not having enough self esteem or confidence at times). Just sayin'

    Even if there was no stigma attached to the apps, people (gays) would still be questioning his character because he is gay. Gays are often messy.

    See?

    Everything you do online can be exposed by someone. If you have anything that could negatively affect/effect(dammit) you(especially ruin a career) then keep your unseemly stuff off the net period. And good luck with that. There really is no privacy anymore.

    *there is nothing wrong with casual sex or seeking casual sex-people have been doing is since the beginning of people. Except that now everything about your search for it /what you desire/what you do and what you have done and every. word. you. say. can be captured by technology and away you go! into internet infamy.
     
  3. OhSheit

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    I wasn't going to talk about it once I came back to this site, but fuck it... this is exactly what happened to me the week I left cypheravenue. It had nothing to do with you guys @Ockydub @Nick Delmacy so I hope there's no beef, no animosity or shade/shit talking going on.

    I've only ever told one person this...When I downloaded Jack'd earlier this year I made so many rookie mistakes on from sending nudes, getting catfished, losing my virginity, etc. Around the time I left this board I got involved with this dude who was not only trying to emasculate me but he also exposed me on his facebook page with screencaps of our conversations (I wouldn't say he was a gaylebrity but he had notoriety on tumblr at some point). Even though he cropped and blurred my pictures I still felt guilt and felt the need to try to "delete" my gay online history (which includes this board). I was paranoid. Like Michael, I eventually reinstalled the app but was more discreet about my shit and met my On-Again Off-Again ex-boyfriend (that's another story).

    To answer the poll question: Yes, I still have my Jack'd and yes my pictures are public. In fact, the dude that exposed me is still on my facebook account too. That's how much I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm still closeted I guess you can say, but once the drama died down I stopped caring about people finding out if I was gay.

    Thank you for posting this article because this actually gave me the courage to just put this out there. I've actually been feeling uneasy on here to be honest. I don't know what you guys or the board members think of me, aside from the members that I've met personally since returning, which was another big step for me; actually meeting other gay men and going to gay spaces.
     
    ColumbusGuy and itsumoconfused dapped this.
  4. Dante

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    I have a Jack'd profile and will probably deactivate it when I hit the 40s. Hopefully, my future, permanent relations will distract me from any engagement with it.

    For now, I go on there for the sake of communication with other men. I've Jackdfriended a few strippers, "masseurs", community outreach workers, and some barbers (even one that requires a blowjob after cutting your hair). The least of anything beyond that would be a blowjob to stratch an itch. But after seeing some guys from the past interactings on Jackd at my job as clients (one of them now being HIV or it being revealed to me through my work), the blowjobcapes have downsized...lol I am not trying to be caught up.
     
  5. BlackExcellence

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    I don't have it at the moment but before I deleted I said fuck it and had my face pic out as an experiment after years of not doing that. And nothing negative(as far as I know came of it). My attitude now is shit you on here too.
     
  6. Nicholan

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    So I completely understand where you're coming from with this. That "Independent Woman" reference was good btw, lol. Apps aren't always marketed how I would like them to be, BUT that is what everyone is using and it's another option for meeting someone.

    It depends on HOW you use it. Keep in mind that YOU'RE on the app, so why wouldn't there be other guys like you? With that being said, I personally haven't had ANY luck on dating apps although I still use them from time to time. I mainly use them during the gaps during the year when I may not be getting out as much.

    I was watching Wendy Williams (lol) and I agree with her idea about dating apps.

    "20% of your dating life can be through an app, but the other 80% should be spent in real life."
     
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