Why Black Boys Cry

When I'm not chasing after well-built fine ass black men I am chasing after well-build men from other countries ( you know I love me some fine men of all colors...brown, white, beige, and if you catch me on SCIFI Fridays, I like em Blue too...) but this post is not to about my digital rights to whoredom!
Can I have some of you???


I always tell folks I love to write fiction. I love to write fantasy and all kinds of supernatural things but when I was in grade school, all I ever read were National Geographic, Guinness Books, Paleontology, Astronomy and Meteorological things. This is what fascinated me. When the other kids were at recess, i was in the library. That was my retreat. I loved to learn about these things. It brought me great joy to read about the Fijita scale or Dinosaurs and Animal behaviors. I loved science. What did I want when I was growing up? A microscope, a telescope were things I wanted and got them in different parts. They were my favorite toys out of all the things I had.

It would seem like a beautiful story had I not been so passive. I am pretty soft spoken. I always have been. I was never into sports or the traditional male things. If I wasn't watching cartoons I was watching the Weather Channel, Discovery Channel, Animal Planet. I had my periods were I was obsessed with AMC black and white films and I loved Japanese Kaiju films and Chinese Wuxia films too. But you'd be amused to know that I used to watch the Weather Channel, Animal Planet, and Discovery Channel like they were HBO or Showtime. I would sit and watch segments of each block. I checked the weather alerts for severe weather and super-cell tornadic thunderstorms and if one was headed my way the adrenaline rushed and I became excited despite the danger. I had a strong love for mother nature and to a point I still do.


But my upbringing was shrouded in my own delusion. Thinking I as a black boy could ever like those things and be "normal." Being soft-spoken got me into a lot of trouble growing up. I was teased a lot about it. The other boys would tease me and call me gay or laugh at me because I didn't act tough as them or chase girls. The girls did the same. I felt like a prisoner and uncomfortable around people who were my own race. This lasted from 5th grade till 12th. As you may have guessed, I despised most of my peers. In fact, it was because of them that I started to write.


During my Jr. High I discovered R.L. Stine's Goosebumps series and I had been introduced to several horror icons such as Jason and Freddy Kruger (My fav). I have a love hate with Slashers. I hate to see people get murdered but the genre is thrilling to my sense as well. I like to see it because I grew up watching it. One day, I started writing about all the people who were mean to me. It was a slasher and all the mean people were killed and the people who were nice to me were spared. I never actually wanted to kill any them in real life but in my fictional world I had power over each one their fates. This is the power I wanted. In reality I hesitate to kill some insects when I see them. I have this reflex to preserve living things as best as I can...unless it's a roach. We might have problems then...



It wasn't too much better at home. I had a single black mother and even though she loved me, she wasn't fond of my soft ways. She discovered I had a liking for guys and wasn't to thrilled. If I was on the phone talking to a boy, we'd be in full conversation and some gay things would slip out. Come to find out she had picked up the phone and was eavesdropping and then she was muttered for me to get off the phone. She told me I should be more masculine, go play football, lift weights because other men target soft-spoken men like me. She knew I liked boys and she probably battled with it being the first child. My confidence took a heavy blow. I wasn't told congratulated that much at home for what I did liked and enjoyed. I was instructed to be the traditional male. When my stepfather came into the picture, he was a bit stricter. At the time I had little knowledge of Sapiosexual, Demisexual, and Pansexual. Things closely related to my identity.

When people say that children don't know better or remember things, they do. They really do. Even Maya Angelou said it “People will forget the things you do, and people will forget the things you say. But people will never forget how you made them feel.”

There was a guy in Jr. High who was my very first crush. All the girls wanted him. He was cute and stylish and I remember one day in class I looked at him and he looked at me and gave me a long smile. It was like looking at the birth of a flower during the first rush Spring and there was a instant connection. I think he liked me because of his warm approach and I think I liked him back, but nothing is as it ever seems in this realm we call Earth. After that weekend I never saw him because he was murdered. Someone shot him in the head while he was in his front yard.

It turns out Dr. Maya was right after all. I still remember him, even the nickname they called him. We never talked to each other but I remember how his smile made me feel. That feeling is what keeps his presence alive to me to this day.

Similarly, I believe that parents should make their children feel prized at all times. They should tell them they are intelligent, they are beautiful, they are loved and strong no matter who they chose to love. They should never pressure them into their own ideal way of life. Their child should not feel weak for their mannerisms. Never tell a child their strength is based on their gender. It should be based on their character.