Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Joys of Being Single

By Nick Delmacy | Posted Dec 4 2014 | 21 Comments  

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 “Life is short. Life is Dull. Life is full of pain and this is a chance for something special.”

Casual Dating. This seems to be a foreign concept in the gay community. Oh sure, many people do it but good luck getting them to publicly admit it. No, all gay men want relationships. That is the end goal. And those gay men who are already in relationships oftentimes look down on those of us who are single. As if they had acquired a Doctorate while the rest of us are still struggling to earn a GED.

The irony of it all: Many men in relationships are actually still single. Or at least they act like it. They continue to “date” other people even though they are committed to another person.

Full disclosure: I’ve never cheated on anyone that I was exclusively dating. I have, on the other hand, cheated “with” guys who were dating someone else. Meaning, I was the side piece. In every case, they made the initial moves on me and I reciprocated, not the other way around.

After a few or more initial dates I eventually found out that some of the guys were already dating someone else (or in relationships)…and like Positive K I replied, “What ya man got to do with me?”

What I had to learn was to not catch feelings for these men. Just enjoy their time shared with me at that particular moment and keep my options open.

When I have this conversation with some of my gay friends, they give me the expected judgmental glares and head shakes. On the other hand, most of my straight friends shrug at this, as if its normal behavior, especially for a single man.

I can’t imagine any of my single straight male friends even hesitating to “push up” on a girl he KNEW had a boyfriend. He’s single, who cares. Also, I honestly can’t think of any of my female friends who doesn’t empathize with the woman in the movie about to get married but actually longs for this other more compatible guy on the side. These films even have scenes where the “male side piece” shows up at the fucking wedding to declare his love for the woman!

Think about it, the most popular scripted television show on Thursday nights features a “side piece” named Olivia Pope as the main character we should sympathize with.

One of my dudes actually played the following video for me and said, “This is you.”

I shrugged it off and happily woke up next to his fine ass the next morning.

IN DEFENSE OF THE SIDE PIECE

Hold up. Side piece is such a negative term. Admittedly, I don’t view the man/woman “on the side” to being the villain in these situations, especially if the secondary person is single themselves. I’ve already gone into detail about why I think that “homewreckers” are a myth so I won’t repeat myself here.

To summarize my thesis there: The person who made the promise of monogamy is the “bad guy” for breaking that promise, not the single individual who has no obligation to keep someone else’s relationship intact. Not even for so-called “good karma.”

SIDE NOTE: Speaking of karma, many people say that a person who dates someone who is already in a relationship is MORE likely to be cheated on in the new relationship. In my experience, 100% of the people I’ve personally known to cheat on their significant other (straight and gay) were 100% single when they first started dating their boyfriend or girlfriend or wife. So I’m not sure where this misconception comes from. Men who want to cheat, will cheat. No matter how the relationship started.

I don’t want to rehash that whole “homewreckers” debate again. Instead I want to examine this whole gay exclusivity thing. Especially when it comes to casual dating, the period before a couple is actually in a full blown committed relationship or marriage.

That’s something we should define as well. What is a “relationship” in the gay world? Homosexual men throw that word around more than unused condoms at a Gay Pride event. I’ve met many men who were supposedly in so-called “relationships” after only one or two dates. They even announce it on Facebook.

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ONE DATE, ALREADY PICKING OUT THE CURTAINS

With “the gays” there seems to be an unhealthy and irrational emphasis on exclusivity after just one date. On the contrary, there should be a period of time where all parties explore their options.

Should you really expect the man you just met and had a first date with on Sunday to sit around and not talk/text/meet other men for a week or two just because you’re not available until then?

There’s an old expression: “I’m single and ready to mingle.”

The key word is “mingle.” Meaning interacting with multiple people…not trying to marry the first person who gives me their number. I freely admit that I casually date multiple people, especially within the first 3-6 months of dating. During this time you’re still getting a sense for who the other person is and if the both of you are actually compatible with each other.

Sometimes you know very quickly that it won’t last but you think he may make a good time-filler. A person to chill with and see where it goes until the next guy comes along.

To give context, here’s a personal story:

I once dated a guy for about several months. From the beginning I learned a handful of things. He could never host at his place, he didn’t like talking on the phone or texting and weekends were the only days we could link up due to his work schedule.

So many Red Flags started waving that I thought I was in China.

This raised eyebrows and, like most people would, I assumed that he was likely already dating (or living with) someone. But you know what, I didn’t care. I never asked him that question. It wasn’t information that mattered to me. He was very attractive and intelligent, I was single and we both enjoyed each other’s company.

I didn’t walk into our first date looking at him as a potential life partner. I walked into it hoping for an enjoyable interaction with another man. We were clearly on a date, that much was made clear, but there was no pressure. If we eventually elevated to another level after more dating, all the better.

I was the initial aggressor, asked him out and never once did I ask if he was dating anyone else along with me. It didn’t matter. It was just a few dates, not co-signing the mortgage to a new house.

Long ago I learned to try to live a confident dating life Javier Bardem’s character Juan Antonio in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Check out this amazing scene from the movie.

“Life is short. Life is Dull. Life is full of pain and this is a chance for something special.”

Such a great line.

Side Note: One of the women in this scene was engaged to be married. Not once did Juan Antonio ask. He gave no shits about a fiancé.

Back to my time-filler. I didn’t walk away from that situation thinking I wasted 4 months on someone who wasn’t long-term. Instead I walked away with some really great memories and learned a little about myself in the process. Both of us may or may not have been seeing or communicating with other men at the time, but since neither one of us had promised exclusivity to each other, it didn’t matter. We were casually dating. If he had a man, that had nothing to do with me.

Before I go on, let me put a few things out there.

Firstly, I do not purposely target men in relationships and try to “steal them.” There are far too many eligible single gay men in my Atlanta field of view for me to need to do that. Also, in the previous times that I dated (or just fooled around with) men who were already attached, I knew nothing of the boyfriends in the beginning…didn’t know they existed, didn’t know what they looked like and didn’t know their names. They could have been Thor or Zeus or imaginary for all I knew.

Secondly, I don’t believe that a dude in a REAL monogamous relationship can be “stolen.” If he’s really attached and committed, he won’t even give me the time of day.

I can’t steal anyone…if anything, I get CHOSEN by them.

And I don’t even consider myself a pimp, by any means. I’m just a tall, decent looking, well-articulated, masculine gay nerd who some others find attractive. And I’m single…no obligations to anyone but myself.

I’m also a child of rap music. One thing that machismo filled Hip Hop lyrics have taught me is that being with another man’s “girl” is a badge of honor.

To be honest, this aspect of Hip Hop has always confused me. No, I get that it’s obviously a boastful display of power. Dig deep enough and you’ll even find lyrics where popular rappers proudly claim they could get their male enemies to “suck their dicks” or even anally rape them.

For Realz. Take a look at some examples here.

But for the most part, rappers and urban singers are REALLY interested in other men’s women.

Trey Songz proudly wears the “Mr Steal Yo Girl” moniker.

Drake has an entire song where he’s telling a woman that he KNOWS is in a happy relationship, “Fuck that nigga that you love so bad I know you still think about the times we had. I’m just saying you could do better.”

Chris Brown, in a “loyal” top 20 radio hit sings, “Just got rich, Took a broke nigga’s bitch.” As if that was a difficult achievement and something to brag about.

Both J-Cole and 2 Chainz have had Complex Magazine slideshows filled with their lyrics detailing what they can and will do to “your girl.”

In one of the newest club hits, ILoveMakkonnen sings, “Got the club going up, on a Tuesday, Got yo girl in the cut and she choosy.”

These are recent examples but there are plenty from 00’s, 90’s and 80’s music…maybe even further back than that. Popular male Rap & R&B culture celebrates being with other men’s women. While I’m sure the opposite does exist, it’s very rare to find black male performed music on the other side of this situation. On the side of the emotional heart-broken person who has been betrayed.

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I say all that to possibly explain why I have this devil-may-care attitude when it comes to dating.

I don’t look at first dates as auditions for life partners. On the other hand, I don’t look at them as disposable hookups either. I put in lots of work on my dates and if we make it past a week or so, that means I actually really like the guy.

So what the hell am I saying? Am I really using 2500 words in this essay to reveal that I’m just a typical messy black gay man who loves drama?

Possibly, depending who’s reading this.

But remember, for the purposes of this discussion, we’re talking about people just dating, not married couples or super long-term relationships. I have no desire to hookup or fall in love with a married man, be it straight or gay.

On the other hand, I love men of all types…and I’m single. Shouldn’t a single man be allowed to enjoy himself?

Bitch, you guessed it!

THE MARY J BLIGE SYNDROME

There is a large part of the gay dating community that cheats on their significant others. Most of the black gay web series and films portray this in detail. There is the obligatory tear-filled scene where the wronged Bottom discovers that his Top was either a whore or on the Down Low with a girlfriend or wife. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

So to read some jerk like me blather on about dating multiple people or knowingly dating those already dating others, many gay men do not identify with the hetero rappers and male singers I listed above, instead the identify with this:

bassett

News Flash: Many gay men instinctively identify with scorned black women.

Here at Cypher Avenue we call it the “Mary J Blige Syndrome.”

Even when they’re doing dirt themselves, they are quick to play the scorned victim.

When it comes to gay men, bragging about how many men you pull or can “take” from others is a no-no in a community that primarily identifies with the wronged black woman who’s “waiting to exhale.”

I will say this though, if you do find out your “monogamous” boyfriend is cheating, don’t feel as if you can’t mourn the promise that was broken. Even if it is done stereotypically gay while drinking a bottle of Chardonnay as you listen to Toni Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart.

WHAT ABOUT THE SEX?

As you can already tell, I’m probably the last person to be giving relationship advice. I’m a guy who will date someone already dating others, I don’t mind sex or sexual interactions on the first date and I don’t even mind being one of many people someone is sexing [for the sake of this discussion, “sex” means ANY sexual interaction, including mutual masturbation or oral, not limited to penetration].

As gross as that may sound, this is pretty common. Especially since we’re (obviously) talking about protected sexual encounters. True, your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted infection increases if you’re having sex with a partner who’s having sex with other people on the side. However, you also run a risk of infection if you wait 3 months after meeting a guy and then have sex.

I’m saying all that to say, being careful is one thing, being a paranoid sexless eunuch is another. I’ve casually dated (with sexual contact) in Atlanta for the last 10 years and I’ve never had a STI…ever.

And I’m actually not a whore. There are long periods where I go sexless by choice.

If you make smart choices with who you do the dance with and be sure to use protection, most likely you will see that the paranoia is unfounded.

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WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Admittedly, I’ve been all over the place in this essay. The gist of what I’m getting at is that I believe many gay men are falling victim to three “gay traps.”

1. Perpetuating the fallacy that casual dating with multiple people leads to disease or “slut-shaming” and should be shunned.

2. Being in a gay relationship makes you more special than other gay men and it should be the end goal to EVERY dating exchange.

3. Missing out on many potentially great real human interactions because of a paranoid imagined fear of “negative karma” or getting a Sexually Transmitted Infection.

While adhering to the preceding advice may not get you a long-term relationship any time soon, I guarantee that you’ll have loads of fun and great experiences. Once you truly enjoy the benefits of being single, longing for the Storybook Long-term Gay Relationship that you don’t (and may never) have becomes less of an issue.

About the Author
Nick Delmacy

Nick is a founder, editor and the pop culture expert at Cypher Avenue. Serving as the designer and webmaster of the site, he is the architect of The Cypher Avenue Matrix.

   
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21 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. African King | December 2nd, 2014
    0

    I can understand where you’re coming from Nick and I think this gives readers/members more of a glimpse into your thoughts. I know that I can honestly say that one of the many reasons I have not been in a (gay) relationship in my 25 years on this earth is because of what you say here: “Missing out on many potentially great real human interactions because of a paranoid imagined fear of “negative karma” or getting a Sexually Transmitted Infection”. Not so much of the negative karma for me but more so the STIs. People are really wildin’ out and you don’t know what anyone has so it can make me (or anyone) fearful for that matter.

    Another thing when you say this: “….it should be the end goal to EVERY dating exchange.” I guess it makes me think of a video about relationships that I watched on Juan & Gee’s YouTube channel where someone asked the question about “how do you know if someone is the one?” The advice they gave was to not expect to go into every interaction with a gay man wondering if he is the one for you. They advised people to just live life and see what happens. Do not build up so many expectations but to try and enjoy your experiences more. I could really learn from that. I think that my whole idea of going into every interaction with the end goal of ending up in a serious relationship comes from growing up in a devout Christian household. For example, I’ve always been told that if I go start dating another person who is not serious about ending up in a serious relationship then I will waste my time. 1 year or 2 years could end up going by and that person just is not serious about building a future with me. If that keeps happening several times in my life, then I may end up 50 years old wondering “where has all my time gone?” So that’s why I have that outlook.

    Then there is your perspective along with Juan & Gee’s where they say to just enjoy life. I do understand how I can learn so much about myself by casually dating. I am not saying that the way I usually think regarding my Christian upbringing is right and that the way you & Juan and Gee think is wrong. It is all a different and unique perspective for me to consider. I could see what I like and what I don’t like and I could have some great memories and actually have some crazy relationship stories to tell!

    Thanks for writing this article bro!

    • ControlledXaos | December 2nd, 2014
      0

      Sexual interaction with another person is a calculated risk that many of us take. You can factor in odds and stats and what they tell you but at the end of the day, it’s up to the individual who they do what with. There is definitely a ‘Ho Phase’ when sex is new. Some people go through this, some do not. Some relapse after a long relationship. It’s okay. And understandable. We are human and we like to feel good. All of us have different levels on what we do or don’t do sexually with ‘new’ people and none of it is wrong if it works for us as individuals. If a person is mad because their friend is getting sex on the regular and they are not, even though they have had the same opportunities, the issue is that person’s guilt/blockage/mixed feelings/jealousy that they have to navigate or get help with.

      I am not going to advocate taking advantage of every sexual opportunity that comes your way. Some people you don’t need to fuck with. Literally. However, there’s nothing wrong with Adult Fun every so often. BUT again, by the time you do enter the sexual realm, I think you are right to be cautious when your time comes. It’s your body. Go at your pace and if anyone doesn’t respect that, it’s a warning sign. Just don’t let someone sweet talk, tongue kiss, chest rub, dick grab you into changing your convictions. That’s going to be when you are your weakest because physically, you’ll be feeling good.

      IMO, any relationship that lasts for a year or more is pretty serious. Especially for ‘us’. But you can’t worry about missing out on this or that. Every relationship is a learning experience. You learn about you. What you want. What you don’t. How to treat other people and how you expect to be treated by others.
      You may meet your Prince Charming on your first relationship. Rare, but possible. But if he’s not the one, it’s okay. There’s always someone else out there. But enter into that relationship with realistic expectations. Don’t set yourself up for failure saying that ‘this won’t last’ but do be cautious.

  2. Rox808 | December 2nd, 2014
    0

    OMG! AMEN!!! I actually forwarded this article to a few friends of mine. I am on that casual dating tip too! but i am looking for that long term goal, but until that time comes, i need to enjoy life as it is!

  3. ControlledXaos | December 2nd, 2014
    0

    I always find it funny when a chick gets mad a side piece when she finds out that her boothang cheated on her with the SP. You mad at the wrong one, hun.

    Being a man of a certain age and experience, I have fooled around with some committed dudes in my younger days. I think that people like to get on moral high horses when it comes to knowingly being the side piece. However, if you KNOW you are just there for a good time, then it’s not your fault really. If I were to fall into that side piece category again, which is not something I’d actively go out to do in the first place, I wouldn’t expect it to become anything more than just a good time.

    IMO, ‘homewrecker’ only begins to apply when you are going after someone who you know is ‘committed’ with the expectation that you are going to be the new boothang.

    No one can ‘make’ someone cheat if they don’t want to. If you have a bond, you have a bond. Kissing leading to a hard dick and ‘you gone leave me like this?’ isn’t anything if you are committed because a dick and deflate in a minute or two and you can always self-satisfy. If you are the ‘homewrecker’ with the intention of stealing someone away though, you are in the worst position. Most dudes who will cheat, will try to keep BOTH of you for as long as possible, even if he is totally miserable with the other person.

    Everyone has to do what works for them in the end. As an adult, if I’m at a point where on the first date I know I wouldn’t mind seeing Guy A naked and we are in agreement, there’s no need to be prudish about it. Throw caution to the wind. Just have your expectations ready. It doesn’t mean there will be a next time. It doesn’t mean that this is anything but sex. It doesn’t mean it’s anything that we have to call each other two days later. It’s. Just. Sex. And I still have Guy B to I plan on going out with the next day.

    I’m a lot more cosmopolitan on these issues now that I’ve been single where before I’d be a lot more conservative.

  4. BlackguyExecutive | December 2nd, 2014
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    I think the real dilemma in simply being upfront about expectations. All of my casual encounters and “single and ready to mingle” have been just that and I engaged in that experience with that mindset and talked with the other person about it. I think if you looking for a one night stand or a one month stand then just say that. However, if you looking for something more meaningful then pursue that….most often people are talking past each other and “hanging out” with completely different expectations.

    Secondly, I think that the stereotype is that gay men are promiscuous and sex driven, so the notion that everyone wants to be in a relationship seems to be the counter narrative.

  5. alton
    NYCforEVER | December 2nd, 2014
    0

    This is a good article, Nick. I’ve f’d around with PLENTY of dudes that were in “relationships”, 1 or 2 I knew about, the others I had no clue ’til later on. The ones I didn’t know about I felt bad afterwards but eventually I didnt give a shit. I just told myself “if I ain’t me it’ll be someone else”. I can’t say Ide do it again, tho (not knowingly). No disrespect to those who do, it’s just not my thing. I don’t like being involved in nor the cause of, BS.
    As far as dating multiple dudes, I’ve tried it. It was aight I guess but honestly, and it sounds madd dumb, but I have a short attention span and I can’t concentrate on more than one dude at a time. LOL I’m not good at keepin track of shit that goes on in peoples’ lives, so I would (and have) easily mix up situations so I prefer to concentrate on one person at a time. I can tell usually with 10-15min if me an a dude are compatible. If not, then I don’t take it any further. I might try an hit if I’m horny enough, but normally I just cut ties. Im not one to keep someone around just for the sake of companionship, especially if we’re not compatible. I’ve tried many times and it just dont work for me. (which is why I’m single now, obviously LOL). Again, no disrespect to dudes that can date 4-5 people at a time, my hat goes off to you, I just can’t.

    As far as cheatin goes, eh…I’ve been cheated on in all 4 relationships, cheated on one person myself, and been strung along by almost every dude I’ve dealt wit so…it is what it is. I got a lil pissed afterwards, not so much because dude cheated, more so because in my mind I was made to look like a fool. But after a few days I get over it and move the fuck on. I don’t identify with the (imo) idiotic “macho” message of Hip Hop in relation to stealin’ niggaz bitches, but I damn sure don’t identify with the other alternative of the scorned housewife, “splayed across my bed, downing white wine in my “filk” robe and .99 floral “filk” dooby wrap from Kim’s Beauty Supply, chain smokin an watchin “Scandal” as “Breathe Again” or some other slow song plays in the background, tears on my face, plottin revenge on that cheatin ass nigga” LMAO!! Ummmm…nah nikka, ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat. It’s too much money to make wit my freelance art, no time for grieving. I always get a lil’ depressed this time of year bein’ single an’ w/out family around, but fuck it. What can I do besides keep it movin’. LOL

    • ControlledXaos | December 2nd, 2014
      0

      “splayed across my bed, downing white wine in my “filk” robe and .99 floral “filk” dooby wrap from Kim’s Beauty Supply….”

      You are on a roll today with that! I’m bout to die from laughing! But I don’t see how grown ass men fall into that Lifetime Movie type of coping.

      My second bf cheated on me. I didn’t find out until AFTER he broke up with me. I was mad. Butthurt, if you will. You know what this niggah here did? I took it in stride. No hard feelings. Buddied up with the new guy. Made it seem like I was cool with him and my ex. Little did they know that I had made up in my mind that I was either going to steal the new guy from my ex or get my ex back. I didn’t care which one really.

      Ended up getting my ex back. Then, we ended up breaking up after he didn’t want to finish school and wanted to move to Atlanta to start his life over.

      The stupidity of youth. I’d never do anything like that again though.

      Too many other dudes and it’s just not that serious. But when you are 23…you don’t know anything.

      If I was with someone today and they cheated on me, I’d just be mad that they couldn’t tell me they were not into the relationship like I was. And it will be a long time before I see myself catching hard feelings where I’d be destroyed. My 7 year relationship ending didn’t destroy me. WTF is anything less than that gonna do?

      • alton
        NYCforEVER | December 2nd, 2014
        0

        LMFAO Exactly. I came out of a year long abusive (verbally/mentally/ and at the very end, physically) relationship and did not shed A tear. My nikka, I was on some “Kill Bill; Volume 2” shit after that relationship, my dude. I was plottin’ vengeance against him, his kunty ass, fem ass, gossipy ass cousin, his aunt and uncle, AND his best friend and he ain’ had shit to do wit eh’thin. And I WAS 23yo at the time. LOL I haven’t been in a relationship since I had a 2 in front my age, but Ive dealt with some dickheads. Nowadays, I don’t get all Kill Bill, I get mad for a day or two, walkin’ around with a (meaner than normal) face, the 3rd day I go out for a drink, 4th day chill out, hit the gym, go home j/o a few times, and I’m over the whole fiasco. LOL! No time for no “O Network/ Lifetime shit. Grieving is takin away time I could be spending doing art and makin’ money.

  6. Ocky Williams | December 2nd, 2014
    +1

    You state “I’m probably the last person to be giving relationship advice” I disagree and for me this piece proves it.

    I will say I personally don’t want to date or have sex with someone who is involved in another relationship. I have witnessed the partner that was being cheated on act a damn fool towards the single guy who was just an innocent bystander. Nope Nope Nope.

    That being said #3 is a fear that I had when single.

  7. SB3000 | December 2nd, 2014
    0

    I’ve come across a lot of men who really want to be in relationships, who have never been in one. Most of the ones I know, know better than to be rush into all that. But just think of all of the others out there who have more thirst than experience..

    Some ppl incorrectly call ‘dates’, their hookups from the apps. Dating is some sort of social activity/interaction, whether or not it ends up being sexual. But goin to dudes houses because ur .2 miles away to fuck, is not dating.

    At the end of the day, it’s all relative to the mofos involved. I try not to contribute to the messy stereotypes associated w us, so I’m not gonna press u when I find out you have a man. However, If u push up on me, and I know u have a man, but I’m feeling u and have no ties to ur dude, I wouldnt harbor any guilt. Now, if I’ve kicked it w ur man and been friendly n smiling in his face, diff story.

  8. hannibal
    Hannibal | December 2nd, 2014
    0

    Smh. A man just hurt my feelings .last week so npw I.hate.men. their.stupid and only care about themselves. *smokes.virginia.slim*

  9. RolandG
    Rolandgarros28 | December 2nd, 2014
    0

    You state, “But remember for the purposes of this discussion, we’re talking about people just dating, not married couples or super long-term relationships. I have no desire to hookup or fall in love with a married man, be it straight or gay.”

    You then state, “Secondly, I don’t believe that a dude in a REAL monogamous relationship can be “stolen”. If he’s really attached and committed he won’t even give me the time of day.”

    So I honestly don’t see where you draw the line. A dude in a super long-term relationship that tries to holla at you should still be fair game because his relationship isn’t REAL anyway since he’s straying? Married men do cheat and since gay marriage is a recent phenomenon, are men in partnerships off limits even if this partnership was formed after only a couple of months?

    I get what you’re saying about dating and having fun and making connections and I agree with you but I think you’re trying to walk a moral tightrope @nick by categorizing certain people who are off limits to you even though your article mainly states otherwise. Serious question…Since you have no interest in dating a married man, what do you think of people who DO date married men? Perhaps they have the same opinion as you only they take it a step further and don’t “sit the fence” so to speak. I don’t see the difference in a guy who thinks the way you do and a guy who says he’s ok with dating married men or men in partnerships, despite the length of either.

    And last, you stated, “On the other hand, most of my straight friends shrug at this as if its normal behavior, especially for single men.”

    @Ocky wrote a great article about claiming white people do it too. I think the same thing applies. Technically, you’re not responsible for another person’s relationship ending. If you’re not the side piece, someone else will be. I just think most people have no consideration for the “other” in the relationship who is left looking like the fool. the boundaries are so blurred as to be invisible.

    But, I enjoyed the article and it definitely gives me insight onto how others view these situations. I just hope I never have to compete with you for a dude. My ass might be left on the curb.

    • ControlledXaos | December 2nd, 2014
      0

      I think maybe the condition is if he knows that the person is already in a committed situation, he’s not trying to hook up with them in that case.

      If you step to me, I’m going to assume you are single. I guess the question of “Are you seeing anyone?” doesn’t really come up often because it’s concluded you are single because you are stepping to me, even if that is the wrong conclusion. If I was seeing someone and I was approached, I’d say “Hey, thanks man, but I have a boyfriend.” At this point, I’ve told you my situation, you know it. If you continue to approach me, you are being disrespectful.

      However, since I’m in fact single, “Are you seeing/dating/talking to/fucking anyone?” isn’t the question I really want to ask someone who I just meet, think is attractive, and who probably thinks I’m attractive too. If I find out you’ve got someone after we got sexual, then it’s important to tread the waters carefully.

      You see this on Cheaters all the time when the side piece has no idea that the boyfriend/girlfriend is already in a relationship. They just get caught up in the crossfire which @ocky makes a great point about. People can get cra cra and the main bitch may be the one showing up at your job or keying up and breaking out the windows of your car, focusing anger on you when it should be directed to the boothang because you may honestly not even know they are in a relationship.

  10. diablo | December 2nd, 2014
    0

    Nice article. but I must say, I wouldn’t want to date or mess around with someone who is in a relationship. I only knowingly did it once. They guy was in a long-distance relationship. And I only knew after we went on a few dates, but went on a few more. He ended his long-distance relationship soon after.

    I went on one date once and the next day he became my stalker.

    As for casual dating, people should do it more. I casually dated 3 awesome dudes. Not at the same time. I also have trouble dating multiple guys at the same time. One guy was a grad student and he was upfront about moving back to NYC after school was over. So we kept it casual and fun. Guy number 2, we met at a bar. It was a whole in a wall bar. I had a lot of fun with him. We went to the clubs a lot. He was fun. He got me out on the dance floor. If it wasn’t for him. I probably still be one of those guys that always stands up against the wall. He was wearing a Superman t-shirt when we first met. I know a lot of other people with the same name as him. so I needed a nickname for him. And Superman it is. I run into him sometimes and still call him Superman. That Ended because he wanted to give it a 2nd try with his ex. The last guy, we casually dated for a few month, but he just wasn’t ready for anything serious. He was knew to the dating guys thing.

  11. Awkward Black Boy | December 3rd, 2014
    0

    Okay I’m home and can finally respond to this. I will say I enjoyed the article and it made me think about a few things. I want to preface this by saying that I am guilty of a few of these things.

    -I’m curious what is the difference between casual dating and dating? In my mind when people describe casual dating to me it sounds like friends with benefits aside from the fact that you didn’t start off as friends.

    -As far as couples looking down on single men. It’s ridiculous because their relationship can be over in a split second.

    -Men that date or fuck around without discussing it with their significant other are cowards to me. I understand things happen, but when you are seeking it out, that’s fucked up. Sure if you tell your dude you want to date or sleep with other people he may leave you, but at least you are giving him a choice in the matter. I know people that have open relationships because they are realistic and understand that every relationship can be different and be molded to work for them.

    -Side pieces. Your main dude…your side piece…to me it’s the same shit. Neither one is a whole piece. I understand how these situations happen though. I just don’t understand the glorification of having a main and a side. More often than not the main doesn’t know and while the side may be given hints and see red flags it’s rare they are straight up told they are a side piece.

    -Time filler. Maaaaan let me date a dude for 3-6 months and he tell me at the end I was a time filler lol. I don’t know how the hell I’d react. It would be one thing if we both agreed that that’s what it was, but that doesn’t normally happen.

    -I loved Vicki Cristina Barcelona. That scene was so sexy to me. Man up and say what you want and what the situation will be. That goes a long way.

    -Trey Songz, Chris Brown and the rest of them specialize in targeting BIRDS that are used to being treated like shit and love to be wronged so they have something to bitch about on social media.

    -Mary J. Blige syndrome and “wrong bottoms” has me dying Lol! Some men will take you there. A lot of it is a lack of communication which leads to false interpretations I think.

    -The sex of casual dating. For me personally I need to have a fuck buddy when I’m single and then date who I want to date to keep things in perspective. Otherwise, I’ll be all over the place because I flirt, talk, etc. with a good amount of dudes and admittedly want to sleep with all…

  12. Inda Men | December 4th, 2014
    0

    I only know about Scandal what you talked in your podcast about Scandal and gay men and in this article you sound like that woman having an affair with the president, she is single, so why not? You both are boss ass bitches! Lol!!!

  13. Awkward Black Boy | December 5th, 2014
    0

    You Olivia Pope Motherfuckers!

    • ControlledXaos | December 5th, 2014
      0

      Not me!

      I haven’t been knowingly a side piece before. BUT there was a time when I was approached by someone, B, to be just that. I met his BF, A. A seemed like cool peeps. They invite me over to hang out and stuff. Next thing I know, B hits me up online saying that A is a total bottom and he wanted to bottom for me. I was like…nawl. I am not getting up in the between that, literally.

      Dude was my physical type and everything but, no. So of course, I couldn’t hang out with those two anymore after that.

      I was just going to get too weird.

  14. dgdn22 | December 5th, 2014
    0

    Interesting article. I agree with many of the points you make here. The necessity of clear communication cant be emphasized enough in the community. Its a skill that we all need to learn and constantly refine. I do not mean solely in terms of community with others, but with ourselves as well. Learning to be honest with ourselves about our individuals desires are just as important as being honest with others about what we would like with them. Without it, casual dating very easily turns into unnecessary mess and drama. I think it important to live a little, enjoy human interaction in whatever (hopefully safe as can be) interactions that we choose. But as many have echoed, its boils to clear communication. Unfortunately, that doesnt make it easier to find people who are capable of doing and offering the same, at least not in my experience. Which it can be frustrating a lot of the time, especially with so many methods of interacting with people in which we can control what they know/perceive but hey, I guess thats just part of the terrain as we learn and grow as people.

  15. questforknowledge
    quest for knowledge | December 9th, 2014
    0

    I think for me personally that talking to someone whether casually dating or engaging in some form of sexual contact is off limits if the person tells me that they are in a relationship. Even if the relationship they claim to be in isn’t a real thing I still wouldn’t be interested in talking to them. I honestly would feel bad if I did this. I feel like in these situations both persons are at fault especially when the side piece is aware that the person is in a relationship. I know if I was on the receiving end of this I no doubt would be upset with my partner, but also with the guy that he cheated with if he knew the deal from the get go.

    I def believe in Karma, I have no doubt it would come back to bite me in the ass if I continued to talk to guys who were already in a relationship. Morally it just doesn’t feel right to me. I remember being confronted with a similar situation where old dude came at me and told me that he was already seeing someone. It was so tempting, but I knew I wouldn’t feel right after messing around with him. I’m all down for enjoying life to the fullest, but there are obviously other ways to get your fun in without messing with guys that are already taken.

  16. mojoreece
    mojoreece | December 17th, 2014
    0

    I think overall any relationship you get in its about proper communication. Making sure we know what we both want out of the relationship form day one saves a lot of confusion. Its my personal preference to never involve myself with someone dating/committed to some one else. I believe in Karma and just would not feel right going with someone knowing their with someone else.




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