GAY FRIENDS: How Many Of Us Have Them?

By Nick Delmacy | Posted Dec 14 2016 | 35 Comments  

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I think I lost another gay friend this year, I’m def partially to blame but not 100%…We could def still be cool, but he’s in a different lane now.

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It just occurred to me that Ocky Williams is not only one of the gay friends that I’ve known the longest (nearly 9+ years), but we’re also still pretty tight…and never hooked up or messed around with each other like many Gay “friends” do.

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I stumbled across this clip from a Tyler Perry Madea play that def struck a nerve.


Madea Be Dropping Gems On ‘Em Though… :whew:

Gay friends (and friends in general) are hard to come by, especially ones that don’t secretly want to date or hookup with you.

I had a really good friend around the time we started Discreet City…he was Bisexual and one of the few ppl that I originally approached to help create it. That was my boy, never hooked up, we used to spend hours on the phone like two chicks, we would share sexcapade stories, dating advice, discuss movies, sports, etc…help each other out with favors and all that (ie Dentist trips, furniture moving, etc). Brother type shit.

But he was like Madea described in the video, I eventually realized he didn’t wanna be seen with me in public because he was Frat and super closeted.
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He was cool with going to dark movie theaters (sitting 2 seats away), but never a club or bar….unless it was with his Frat brothers, not me. At first I didn’t mind because we weren’t dating, not a big deal, we still spent a lot of discreet homeboy time together…

But then I started to hear more and more stories about all of the nights out with his non-gay friends, yet when I asked to hang out maybe once every 6 months it was like pulling teeth. Yet he was going out with his Frat buddies all the time and then telling me about how homophobic they were to gay waiters and bartenders. He would vent to me about his homophobic Frat Bros for hours…

Then it hit me:

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Eventually I told him I wasn’t interested in being his secret gay best friend, hell I was discreetly homosexual just like him…But it was as if he was ashamed of me, that was a different story. One that I didn’t want to be a character in.

I guess even though I was masculine and discreet like him, I was more “known” by gay men in the city given that I had been to gay parties and gay clubs. So maybe that spooked him, being “guilty by association” which could get back to his Frat brothers (many of whom were probably gay or bisexual as well).

After that conversation, that was the last time I heard from him, proving that we probably were never really friends in the first place.

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How many of you have REAL gay friends? And I don’t mean just hangout buddies or numbers you’ve collected in your phone and Facebook list…

About the Author
Nick Delmacy

Nick is a founder, editor and the pop culture expert at Cypher Avenue. Serving as the designer and webmaster of the site, he is the architect of The Cypher Avenue Matrix.

   
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35 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. RolandG
    RolandG | December 15th, 2016
    0

    Excellent post @NickDelmacy. I can definitely relate. I had a close group of true friends from kindergarten through high school. After that, it’s been iffy at best. They were straight of course. Since i’ve become comfortable with my sexuality, I’ve only had one gay friend but he was the equivalent of your friend I now realize. There are so many dynamics to gay male relationships. Since I moved, I’ve met people who wanted to be friends but then want to have cuddle nights. Once it becomes clear i’m not down with mixing friends with lovers, they disappear. One dude I met said to me that he didn’t want to hang with this other dude I had met because of the way he looked. My question was, “why does he have to be attractive in order for you to be cool with him if you’re not trying to smash?” Never got a clear answer. I know it’s because almost every gay man is looking at a “friend” as a potential sex/relationship partner. Ironically, The couple of people that have become the roots for me, as Madea described, have been females. Obviously because they aren’t trying to sleep with me on the back end.

  2. Budda3001
    Budda3001 | December 15th, 2016
    0

    I have none and l don’t won’t any….

  3. RolandG
    RolandG | December 15th, 2016
    0

    Post Script #1: I believe that masculine gay white men don't have this problem to the same degree. The seem to have enough friends. My observation only.

    Post Script#2: A quick moment of introspection revealed a flaw in how I may go about trying to form these friendships. Now, when my intention is romantic, I make that clear up front and so it is understood that it's a date in that direction. If after the first date I decide that nothing romantic will come of it, should I change the lense and see if I can turn it into a good friendship? I just realized that I make zero attempts to do this with all dudes and some of them would probably make better friends than relationship partners. I don't mix the two, meaning I don't form a platonic friendship with someone and then try and sleep with them later so maybe I don't try to form friendships out of someone I dated, even if just once. Wondering how many potential friendships I may have left on the table by doing that. Maybe I contribute to the problem in some way if i'm being honest. *shrugs*

  4. ControlledXaos
    ControlledXaos | December 15th, 2016
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    This guy seems like he is the type of black frat dudes I can't stand. They are totally socially dependent upon being in their frat as if they didn't have friends and lives before joining a frat or afterwards. Like they have no idea how to deal with people other wise when, hell it's likely at least 2 of his line bros were gay or non heterosexual anyway.

    I do have platonic friends who I have not gay handshaked. Bonding is something that has to be worked on and boundaries set up to maintain that. @KritiKal Analysis @SB3 @acessential and I all kicked it in LA this September. It was cool as hell and the best trip I have had in a good minute.

  5. NewdInFl
    NewdInFl | December 15th, 2016
    0

    Better question, how many are straight allies?

  6. ControlledXaos
    ControlledXaos | December 15th, 2016
    0
    Comment Imported From Main Site

    Better question, how many are straight allies?

    I disagree. Not a better question but an secondary one m

    I think gay men need to learn how to form platonic bonds with each other, learning how to separate friends from potential romantic partners. There needs to be a brotherly/family type of friendship with one set of men and another set that's only romantic or sexual. I think people get this twisted up too often when we a lot of us don't accept our sexuality until after our teens, some well into their 30s and beyond. It's one thing just being DL or a loan gay ranger with tons of straight friends and active gay dating life, closeted or not, but they are never going to fully understand and relate to what it's like to be a gay man.

  7. RolandG
    RolandG | December 15th, 2016
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    To prove a point, here is a post for a SGL black man looking for friends. Tell me this isn't some bulls@#t.

    Seeking friendship – m4m hide this posting

    I'm a mature professional African American guy who is posting to meet cool guy who is interested in building a friendship.

    I've posted here before for friendship, never really met anyone. I'm not the best at going through the responses for possible good matches.

    I've had best friends, but life happened. They've either gotten married or we grew apart in which I view neither as a bad thing. I currently have great friends, but not really feeling them for

    For now, I'm just looking for dude who we are similar in interests to talk to from time to time and grab a bite to eat. I don't drink, so bars not my thing, but I'm open if that's what you like. I've not been the best at stepping outside of my comfort zone, but I will give some things a try.

    Not looking for someone who texts frequently. I want someone who has a full life, but has room for occasional companionship. Although I'm not seeking sexual relationship, an attraction is necessarily. I'm attracted to physically and nicely groomed. If you a top or a bottom, you'll be a good fit at this point, not really looking for sex. I have a pretty nice body, no big stomach and tone muscles. I'm 6 feet, 195 lbs, nice chest and arms, wear bald head, and dress pretty conservatively. Definitely not into muscle shirts outside of house and maybe gym. I don't usually like a lot of attention of my body. I'm 45+ and seeking guy who is similar age.

    I decided not to post picture this time, but willing to exchange picture because presentation is important to me too.

    Some of my interests are:
    * I workout regularly. I walk, run and other cardio stuff for at least 45 minutes. I lift weights to stay tone and keep the body looking good for me.
    * I have a peculiar diet that seems to be working for me – I don't cook much at all
    * Enjoy reading
    * Out to eat from time to time
    * Playing tennis – I'm not good, but like to get out
    * I'm interested in gun range

  8. ControlledXaos
    ControlledXaos | December 15th, 2016
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    RolandG

    To prove a point, here is a post for a SGL black man looking for friends. Tell me this isn't some bulls@#t.

    Seeking friendship – m4m hide this posting


    Not looking for someone who texts frequently. I want someone who has a full life, but has room for occasional companionship. Although I'm not seeking sexual relationship, an attraction is necessarily. I'm attracted to physically and nicely groomed. If you a top or a bottom, you'll be a good fit at this point, not really looking for sex. I have a pretty nice body, no big stomach and tone muscles. I'm 6 feet, 195 lbs, nice chest and arms, wear bald head, and dress pretty conservatively. Definitely not into muscle shirts outside of house and maybe gym. I don't usually like a lot of attention of my body. I'm 45+ and seeking guy who is similar age.

    I decided not to post picture this time, but willing to exchange picture because presentation is important to me too.

    Didn't he try to rope folks in with the bait and switch? Now if you wanna fuckbuddy just say that.

  9. OckyDub
    Ockydub | December 15th, 2016
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    ControlledXaos

    Didn't he try to rope folks in with the bait and switch? Now if you wanna fuckbuddy just say that.

    Exactly…what a lame-o

  10. RolandG
    RolandG | December 15th, 2016
    0
    ControlledXaos

    Didn't he try to rope folks in with the bait and switch? Now if you wanna fuckbuddy just say that.

    This why gay men can't find real friends. You think you going over there to play cards and the next thing you know, dude whippin out the Swiss Army and talking about he frustrated.

  11. Jdudre | December 15th, 2016
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    More leaves then roots but In a strange way am cool with that. I have never been one to want a large group of friends though at times I do envy people that seem to be cool with large social networks that has never been me though even when I was a little kid I would stick to myself mostly with the exception of just two friends that were not gay.

  12. Lancer
    Lancer | December 15th, 2016
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    I have never had Gay friends. I think Gay guys try to have gay friends but keep them as 'Potentials'. 'He is kinda cute, I might/maybe hook up with him sometime so I will just keep him around' I feel is mostly their approach.
    Most of the gay guys I approach are in a romantic way. After I see it is not going to go in that direction I try to move it to the strictly friends part but it never works. I also have been on the other end too, of the guy trying to keep it just friends but I want to make it more so we stop talking.
    I am mostly a lone wolf now.

  13. ControlledXaos
    ControlledXaos | December 15th, 2016
    0

    Well I don't want 26 close friends but I have wanted that typical movie bro set up where its 4-5 guys who are all good friends. A black Broken Hearts Club or Queer As Folk. Obvi you'll be closer to some of them than others but everybody gets along.

  14. mogulmister
    mogulmister | December 15th, 2016
    0

    they are very few and far between. But this is the case as with anything good that is worth having in life. The thing is that I’ve moved around so much, but I have several good friends with whom I can talk. Honestly, we don’t all hang out, because of the geographic locations– and some do not know others, but they all know me. So it’s def not like the TV show friends But just having those people you can rely on is great. I wish I had several more.

  15. Lancer
    Lancer | December 15th, 2016
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    Come to think of it, gay guys do make 'friends' but they do so in a herd way. The different subgroups within the gay world, coming together to sort of get the 'Power in Numbers' thing going on. However the end goal is to attract the ultimate mate. For example a group of Twinks all parading in front of the Muscle Jocks, looking to snag one or whatever similar 'goal type' in men brought them together.
    These 'friendships' often do not last long, because of internal conflict or jealousy that one is getting more attention/dates than others in the group or just simple conflicts that could have been fixed,worked through, even understood if the foundation was built on having genuine friendship.
    I don't know if i am making any sense here or I have just watched too much BBC Planet Earth II :franko1:

  16. HauteChocolat
    HauteChocolat | December 15th, 2016
    0
    Lancer

    Come to think of it, gay guys do make 'friends' but they do so in a herd way. The different subgroups within the gay world, coming together to sort of get the 'Power in Numbers' thing going on. However the end goal is to attract the ultimate mate. For example, a group of Twinks all parading in front of the Muscle Jocks, looking to snag one or whatever similar 'goal type' in men brought them together.
    These 'friendships' often do not last long, because of internal conflict or jealousy that one is getting more attention/dates than others in the group or just simple conflicts that could have been fixed,worked through, even understood if the foundation was built on having genuine friendship.
    I don't know if i am making any sense here or I have just watched too much BBC Planet Earth II this week.:franko1:

    I read that with David Attenborough's voice in my head.

  17. Kobalt
    Kobalt | December 16th, 2016
    0

    The few gay friends that I have seem to want to be in competition fro the attention of men that I am not even chasing after…

    I hang out with my brother's group of friends, but they are just that – his friends. I really don't think that I will ever have a true brotherhood because of false intentions and potential backstabbing.

  18. Lancer
    Lancer | December 16th, 2016
    0
    Kobalt

    The few gay friends that I have seem to want to be in competition fro the attention of men that I am not even chasing after…

    I hang out with my brother's group of friends, but they are just that – his friends. I really don't think that I will ever have a true brotherhood because of false intentions and potential backstabbing.

    [​IMG]

  19. BlackguyExecutive
    BlackguyExecutive | December 16th, 2016
    0

    I use to be part of a relatively large group of gay men and a few lesbians. We were those gays who rotated hosting dinner parties and attended brunch on Sundays religiously. For nearly four years we had a routine, most of us emerging as professionals in our post-undergraduate years. All of a sudden two of the couples broke up and that split the group into several factions. That subsequently resulted in my gay friends' group going from nearly 20 to 4. Today, I have just four go to gay friends that I regularly communicate with and we are spread out across the world and only see one another in isolated meetings.

    I am affiliated with LGBT employees group where I work but I am not an active member. We were able to tap into the LGBT community in Paris but we don't really make real friends because we pack up our lives every couple of years and start over.

    I do think the key for gay friendships is to keep friendships platonic. I see too many friendships get ruined because sex and romantic love is introduced.

  20. African King
    African King | December 17th, 2016
    0

    Some of my closest gay friends are from graduate school that I met OUTSIDE of my program in South Florida. Grateful for them. I have great bonds with dudes I've met off of Cypher Avenue and most of them live in ATL. My closest gay friend is my identical twin brother. Thank the LAWD for him!!!

    I have been very fortunate to have the advice of @Nick Delmacy & @Ockydub in my earlier years on Discreet City. They told me the importance of platonic relationships with other black gay men. I definitely have that now. Very few gay friends and PLENTY of gay associates. I keep things strictly platonic with them.

    As for what Nick went through in this post, it is a good thing because he knows his worth. He does not have to go back into the closet for anyone. He can be himself and really be around those who really appreciate him. As for Madea, she STAY DROPPIN KNOWLEDGE!!!

  21. Jaa
    Jaa | December 17th, 2016
    0

    One friend who I met through a "gay handshake". I think he's open to dating me but don't get the impression that it's his true motive. Otherwise, I think he'd seem more uncomfortable or proactive in initiating something when we interact. I had a good bi friend in the past. We had no sexual interest in one another.

    RolandG

    One dude I met said to me that he didn't want to hang with this other dude I had met because of the way he looked. My question was, "why does he have to be attractive in order for you to be cool with him if you're not trying to smash?" Never got a clear answer. I know it's because almost every gay man is looking at a "friend" as a potential sex/relationship partner.

    Some like the company they keep to meet certain standards of style and/or conventional attractiveness. If they consider something about their looks or personality lame, they might feel like it reflects badly upon them or something.

    RolandG

    Post Script #1: I believe that masculine gay white men don't have this problem to the same degree. The seem to have enough friends. My observation only.

    That may be true but I'm not sure. I'm sure there's a certain kind of invisible masculine gay white men who shy away from greater gay society or would have similar stories. I often see white, and other non-black, men say they're "not into the scene" and plenty of them are discreet, sometimes wondering where they can find similar types of guys but not knowing where to begin. Feminine, and then various levels of in-between, men of all colors seem to be the most visible groups of gay friends, though they are also more visible, in general. When I hear stories of masculine gay friends, I often get the impression that they are rare.

  22. Luke Evergreen
    Luke Evergreen | December 19th, 2016
    0

    I have no gay friends because i simply don’t know much gay people, i see them around in real life and especially online but i am not out, I don’t have anything to do with them. If i do get any i may or may not mess around. Why is our friendship lesser or not real if we had a little fun tho?

  23. ControlledXaos
    ControlledXaos | December 20th, 2016
    0
    Luke Evergreen

    Why is our friendship lesser or not real if we had a little fun tho?

    How'd you explain that to someone you're dating?

    "This is Jovan, my best friend. We screwed around as recently as last week but since I have met you, that's over and done with. "

    Now I'm not saying it's literally going to need to go over like that but most dudes are not going to be accepting of you and your" best friend " being sexual.

  24. OckyDub
    Ockydub | December 20th, 2016
    0
    ControlledXaos

    most dudes are not going to be accepting of you and your" best friend " being sexual.

    IDK…being that this behavior is common place in the culture…it may accepting or a "who cares" type thing.

  25. ControlledXaos
    ControlledXaos | December 20th, 2016
    0

    I mean it depends but… I think it's something a person need to come clean about if it's happened. Like people in San Francisco probably couldn't give a shit since from what I have understood that's just what you do. Someone who's had a more traditional view of relationships my have an issue.

    Then this is my thinking and I put everything in its own box. My fbuddy is different from my friend in my mind. Friend may have a house key. Fbuddy just knows where the lube is.

  26. OckyDub
    Ockydub | December 20th, 2016
    0
    ControlledXaos

    My fbuddy is different from my friend in my mind. Friend may have a house key. Fbuddy just knows where the lube is.

    :franko1:

  27. OhSheit
    OhSheit | December 22nd, 2016
    0

    We kissed back in '04 big fucking deal.

    Uppity Gays and all their rules with friendships and relationships, I swear. sasmith

  28. Ishmal
    Ishmal | December 27th, 2016
    0

    I have several friends that happen to be gay. Some I have slept with/slapped and tickled with others I haven’t. With both we know we are friends so we can speak with one another about any misunderstandings and come to an understanding.
    I have never lost a friend because we had sex.
    As gay men we put a lot of rules on everything. Everything has to fit within a box and if it don’t it’s to much to deal with.
    It’s ok to kiss the homie, might be something there.

  29. King Zorro
    King Zorro | December 27th, 2016
    0

    I wish I had gay friends. Every time I try to a gay friendship, they either get intimidated or they tel me a few months later that they are in love with me. I sometimes go to gay parties or events and I see guys with their gay best friends and I admit, I get jealous. I always have to bring a female with me because I don't know any guys that would go to those kind of events. Sometimes I wonder how cool it would be to have a gay best friend who can relate to EVERYTHING you go through as a gay man.

  30. African King
    African King | January 3rd, 2017
    0

    I'm with @ControlledXaos on the topic of friends and sexual encounters. All my close gay friends and the many associates I have now have never been sexual with me. I plan on keeping it that way.

    There are gay men I associate with and they feel like I am insecure and threatened by past relationships a man may have had with another man. I can't wrap my head around a statement like, "yes we had sex (a few times) but we are just friends now". Again, to each his own. I just know what works for me and what doesn't.

  31. Nick Delmacy
    Nick Delmacy | January 3rd, 2017
    0

    Agreed. But I don't even need 4-5 of them. Just one or two like this would be dope. Like you said, the movie/tv show type friends. One could argue that those are fictional bonds, but there's truth in all fiction. I have no doubt there are straight ppl who are as close friends as you see in the movies and small screen. Even those that are married or coupled.

    My problem in finding that is guys are always quick to want dates/sex/JO sessions…or they are just more into fem gay culture than I relate to…or they are still struggling with their sexuality so they disappear from time to time. You would think it would be easier to find in Atlanta

  32. SB3
    SB3 | January 3rd, 2017
    0

    I bet every dollar that his 45 year old azz is out here putting up wanted ads for 'friends' because he spent all of his 20s smashing potential 'friends'. Talking about 'no big stomach and tone muscles' like they're character traits.

  33. Lancer
    Lancer | January 14th, 2017
    0

    So in an attempt to have a Gay friend, I called up a ''Friend'' of mine that I really like and invited him for dinner. We have always had wonderful chemistry together and care so much about each other however there has always been this 'Should we/when are we going to hook up' cloud over us. We have gotten into heavy make out sessions at his place but nothing more than that. I sat him down and explained that I want a true gay friend and we should forget about ever hooking up, keep it STRICTLY friends. He was really hurt, but after we talked for a long time he understood where I was coming from and we both agreed to be ONLY friends.
    Now how this plays out after, only time will tell. Fingers crossed we stay friends.

  34. SB3
    SB3 | January 14th, 2017
    0

    Possible. But ur probably gonna have to initate the first few hangouts, n be in charge of making the mood platonic.

  35. FrekeNastye757
    FrekeNastye757 | June 20th, 2017
    0

    Finding TRUE friends in the life is tough. First of all, you have to be fukable to be a true friend for a lot of these dudes. They gotta wanna fuk u. Then gay men carry a lot of drama and BS. A lot of men in the life have issues because of what some of us endured…so those issues are still there and they can affect developing relationships. Then if a dude likes u but ur “friend” likes him…they will pick u apart and feel some type of way.

    I would love to have friends in the life but its tough.




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