Looking For Friends. Must Be Attractive.

By OckyDub | Posted Jun 30 2014 | 50 Comments  

guys

Cypher Avenue has in the past touched on gay men looking for “friends” via social media and predominately hook-up apps. One line in the list that stood out in the friendship qualifications was “must be attractive”. We’re thinking, “If you’re just looking for friends, why do they need to be attractive”? Why is attractiveness a necessitywhen gay men are only looking for friends? Could it be that gay men also want a “back-up, potential sex partner” in addition to friendship?

In my naiveté, I thought this was something that was limited to adult gay men. I mean I know how heterosexual kids and teenagers can be but I didn’t think “normal” logical thinking adults could be superficial when it comes to selecting their friends. After I watched a rerun of one of my favorite TV shows, I found myself reexamining my previous thoughts. I’m a huge American Dad fan. For those that don’t know, American Dad is a primetime animated television show from the wonderful mind of Seth MacFarlane. Currently streaming on Netflix, an episode from season 6 titled “Stanny Boy & Frantastic” have Stan and Francine (a married couple) looking to make friends with another couple. While shopping, Stan and Francine come across a couple who may meet their friendship needs but instead freak out horribly when they see how unattractive the couple is. In Stan’s words, “No, no, no; you’re hideous.” Needless to say they don’t want to be friends with this ugly couple and go back to the drawing board.

So some straight men and women only want to be friends with other attractive people too? Seems correct, but being that I’m not straight how would I really know? I mean the show’s creator and presumably some of American Dad’s writing staff are heterosexual; so I’m assuming they’re writing based off of their experiences. So is it possible that gay men can want attractive friends and don’t view them as potential sexual partners?

What do you think? Do we view what we deem unattractive/ugly as being a negative trait and therefor making one unworthy of friendship? Do gay and straight men who require attractiveness in other men secretly want them as sex partners or is there something more?

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About the Author
OckyDub

Octavius is a founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He's here to help speak for us and show the world that masculine gay / bisexual men of color are not a part of the stereotypical gay normal that is seen and fed to the masses. No...we are a distinct breed, filled with character and pride. Cypher Avenue is here to show the world how we are different.

   
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50 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. Richard | June 30th, 2014
    +1

    @Ocky
    What a stimulating topic!
    We know colorism exists and is well practice across gender and sexual orientation lines in hued communities and has, had, have significant effect on the lives of those who benefited from the “chosen” color and for the individuals who are negatively affected. One can make an argument that the practice of selecting and screening friends based on aesthetics preferences is exponentially practice especially in a time and age where pulling up in a dated car can cause you a job opportunity. Many companies have become controversial for only wanting to deal and sale to “attractive” people. Many organizations pick individuals base on photos that’s attached to their resumes. If you look at pockets of people specifically around the fashion industry dam near the whole group looks identical which is a stark contrast from the fashion industry in the 80’s. Is homogeneous groups in the case of attractiveness a crime? No, But it shows how people are becoming less acceptable of physical differences. IJS

  2. over it | June 30th, 2014
    +1

    I’m so glad you wrote on this topic. As an attractive man, I feel like I’m pre-judged by the company I keep. I’m not so closed minded that I’ll totally dismiss someone based on their looks, but appearance is something that I do consider when picking a homie. Now mind you, it’s toward the bottom of the list, but it’s still definitely considered. A potential friend should have things in common with me. We should share similar interests. We don’t have to be clones, but we should definitely have things in common. Cleanliness, keeping a neat appearance, good personal hygiene, and portraying a confident demeanor are among the crucial but less important traits that I look for in a homie. Honesty, loyalty, intelligence, and integrity are at the top. I feel you can/should learn from your friends, but if their standards are far away off from yours, then that friendship probably won’t last. I’m not requiring that a friend look like Boris Kodjoe (because I don’t), but they must care about their appearance.

  3. African King | June 30th, 2014
    0

    I do agree with you say here Ocky. I do feel like some people want either their friends or their potential lovers to look a certain way. I can only speak from my point of view and experiences. I could care less about how my friends look. I would rather have one or two true friends regardless of how they look instead of having 10+ friends who look like models and are all about drama.

    How does everyone else feel? “Talk about it!!!!” (in my Ebro Darden voice, radio host of Hot 97 morning show)

  4. klothesmindedsince78 | June 30th, 2014
    +6

    Yo, you are on a roll with these articles Ocky…

    For a long time (and much of the time now), I thought (think) I was (am) not attractive. When I was larger, people really gravitated to me because of my sense of humor, my intelligence, and ultimately what I could do for them. Once I dropped my weight, people began to look at me differently but the scars of not being adequate still run deep for me. I have received many comments from guys and girls on how I look, how sexy or handsome I am, but I think that lack of self-esteem/worth is what drives people to look for “attractive” people. I used want to be “attractive by association.” I didn’t feel that I was, but if I was around people who were, it would create balance. The DIRECT attention towards the good-looking people would INDIRECTLY hit me; the DESIRE others feel towards my attractive friends would mask the fact that I was UNDESIRABLE. I have never been so shallow to deny friendship to anyone, but I can say that I could understand some of the utterly dumb logic constructed by society.

    • John | June 30th, 2014
      0

      Wow…how honest. Thank you.

  5. Irie Tower I | June 30th, 2014
    +1

    being a carribean american male who was only 4 people of color( one eastern indian,2 asian), i was constantly berated for my lilt and thicker lips and nose. I cant say that i didn’t expect that from my lighter hued (read. white brothers) but when I finally did approach public high school in my junior and senior years, my supposed Afro American brothers and sisters repeated the same epithets. Somehow during college, it was en vogue to be dark, thick lipped and full nosed ( thanks Tyson Beckford). Much like klothesminded, I was teased about my weight. However, i wasn’t over weight. I am slim ( I weigh the same amount that i did about 20 years ago when I graduated). Now it is en vogue to be slim. my point is that it took soul searching to become at one with myself and to love the skin i possess. My validation of my attractiveness is no longer based on anothers perception but my own self worth.

  6. SB3000 | June 30th, 2014
    +1

    I feel like the real issue is online ‘friend making’. Ppl who are just looking for friends on jackd or grinder, simply put, just aren’t rly looking for friends. All initial exchanges are based off of pics, then profile info. That ‘looking for friends, is a veiled way of saying that they’re looking for potential dates/hookups, but their expectations aren’t so high.

    Now, in ‘real life’, I have a hard time feeling like looks matter most times w friendships. Friendship happens gradually and naturally, not because u liked their pictures or looks. It can develop into friendship after someone caught your eye for how attractive they are.

    At the end of the day, you’re a sad individual if looks do matter for your friendship.

  7. alton
    NYCforEVER | June 30th, 2014
    +1

    I commented on a similar post Ock did before. My things is do people really “actively” search for friends? I feel like people don’t need to purposely search for a friend, the shit just happens. Search criteria is for potential hookups and or partners. I mean, that’s how I feel. I know I don’t actively search for friends, the two I have are more than enough. I also kinda side-eye dudes that say they’re “looking” for friends. Go out and just hangout in places in groups and crowds, friendship is/should be something spontaneous.
    I am however, actively seeking a workout partner. With this person (although I don’t specify in writing) I would like someone attractive with either my general body structure or the body type that I’m working towards having again. That because #1 I’m not looking for a friend, #2 I need someone who’s on the same page as me that I can get inspired by, and #3 fucked up as it sounds, I do like the idea of the possibility of gettin’ it in with a gym partner, so I would prefer someone (that I consider, my tastes very WIDELY)attractive. I mean, realistically, its just a fantasy of mine so whether it would ever come to fruition I doubt it, but yeah, I have aesthetic criteria for a workout partner. Might not sound too kosher, but at least I’m honest about it. LOL
    But yeah, people that base potential “friendship” with physical appearances at the top of the list aren’t really looking for a friend, they’re really looking for an “Accessory” either as a subconscious compliment to their own appearance, to keep for personal use when needed, or both. Either way there’s nothing real there, imo.

    • ControlledXaos | June 30th, 2014
      0

      I have to give you props for being honest.

      I always found it funny when I was on A4A and people would say ‘friends only’ but have the particulars of their penis listed in the stats. I mean, I really don’t want to know the size or circumcised status of my friends unless it comes up in conversation where it’s appropriate but not in a ‘let’s hook up’ way.

      To me, people click or they don’t. Same with a relationship. You know if you want someone to just be a bro or not. Or even if you think you want someone more than a bro initially but you realize you fit better as bros, you can still be friends.

      I don’t see friends as ‘Sex in a Glass Box’ I just assume if you want your friends to be attractive, that’s what you want.

      However, I do notice how similar people just group themselves together. For example, the fit/muscular guys may have ONE friend who is overweight or super thin in the group but never more than just that one.

      • SB3000 | July 1st, 2014
        0

        The last part of ur comment is really interesting becus I guess I see it..but it’s so foreign from my personal perspective. Like, all of my boys are str8, and I’ve attempted to use the apps n sht to literally meet friends. I mean if sumthin else came w it cool, but I was literally trying to just make some gay friends. I’ve even tried to meet local guys on here, to mixed results, on some platonic friend, grab a drink shit, but it speaks to the strength of this post, becus there’s an immediate side eye if u actually say ur just looking for friends.

        • alton
          NYCforEVER | July 1st, 2014
          +1

          @sb3000 It’s just the nature of things for me. I have a difficult time trying to make “new” friends because I’m socially awkward and I just don’t click/vibe with a lot of people, male or female. I have two dudes that are my REAL friends, like 7 really close “associates” (Associates because we’re not in constant enough contact/communication to be considered friends) and a handful of “Hi & Byes”. That’s all I have the patience for. Too many Bdays, anniversaries, “I was in an accident/ had an operation/ etc”, “my wife’s having a baby”, family tragedy, so on and so forth for me to keep up with as it is. Plus, I’ve dealt (in the not so distant past) with a lot of muthafukaz I thought were friendship material, and got shitted on. So overtime, I just lost the desire to add another person to my “Friends List”. Similar reason why I’m not looking for a relationship now either. If I don’t have patience to get to know a new friend then how I’m gonna get to know a potential partner LOL. I’ve just become an asshole, dude.

          • SB3000 | July 2nd, 2014
            0

            It’s cool man. I wasn’t singling you out at all. Trust me, Ive gotten mixed responses from a few guys on here. But I was just making a point abt how relevant this post is.

        • ControlledXaos | July 2nd, 2014
          0

          A few years ago, I met someone online who I thought was going to be cool. We saw each other in the gym and I thought ‘okay well at least we have that in common.’

          So, we hang out. Go out to eat one day. We texted and junk and then one day he invited me over to just hang out and watch tv since we were into the same shows. Cool.

          The night goes well, it gets late (Well, 9pm isn’t late, but that’s normally when I start to get things ready to for work the next day), and I indicate that I was gonna head home and I’d catch up with him later. He’s sitting closer to the door and gets up when I do, which I assumed was to open it, goes in for a hug and tries to kiss me.

          I told him, hey man, it’s not like that. It was awkward and I went on home.

          Next day, I call him and tel him things were cool despite the incident and let’s just not worry about it since things were cool.

          Well apparently, they were not. I never heard from the guy again until years later when he was at the club and I was there with my then boyfriend. He’s coming up to me talmbout, he knows me and I’m like, no I don’t KNOW you. I know who you are and stuff but we really don’t have anything to talk about now. That ship had long sailed.

          So I understand that it’s very hard to try to find someone to be a friend online if you REALLY are looking for that. I’m not against finding friends online, but it’s more of an organic process.

        • ControlledXaos | July 2nd, 2014
          0

          Another thing,

          I do have trepidation when dealing with straight guys. For me, I put all men into the “Straight Guy” box by default unless I can tell otherwise.

          So when guys seem to be cool with me, I really don’t give them the chance to get to know me much because I feel like “Man, I don’t want to deal with some ‘dat nigga gay’ bullshit later on and them thinking that I want to get with them because, of course, all gay men want all other men no matter what.

          • SB3000 | July 3rd, 2014
            0

            I feel u, but what I also have to acknowledge is that my friends were my friends waaaay b4 they knew I was gay. I can’t say I’ve made any new str8 friends outside of coworkers, and having friend’s in common, but I am surprised at the uphill battle of making gay friends.

            We get mad when str8 ppl wana hook us up w their other gay friend, yet that’s the only way we allow ourselves to get to know each other, w/ pre-set intentions of hooking up or dating.

            • alton
              NYCforEVER | July 3rd, 2014
              0

              The friends u have now (granted, they’re str8) you didn’t have to ACTIVELY seek them out, right? It just “happened” over time. It’s the same shit with gay dudes, only difference is with us, we are sexually/mentally/emotionally attracted to the exact same gender that we are also capable of being just friends with. Straight people have less if this issue because str8 guys aren’t sexually/mentally/emotionally attracted to other str8 guys, so that factor is not there to “muddy up” any intentions.

              With us, we may for the most part have the intention on making friends with someone, but that other facet of our being is always there (in the beginning) stages of getting to know another gay dude, mainly if he’s your “type”. I’m sure lesbians have the same issue. Some guys are really good at distinguishing the difference from jump, but I theorize when we as gay men are just meeting another guy we find attractive, 95% of us do have to juggle in our minds where to take the situation. If it’s a guy that we may not find attractive, then the dilemma is substantially less or in most cases non-existent, at least for ONE of the parties involved. I know for myself, when I encounter a dude I think is attractive and we chat up, the first thing that pops in my mind is “I would like to holla at dude”. I KNOW this happens to a LOT of gay men more often than they would ever admit, just most guys like to appear “immune” to emotion, for whatever reason(s).

              • SB3000 | July 3rd, 2014
                0

                I completely acknowledge and agree w what u said, but my question is, what’s the big deal if you’re attracted to sum1? Not YOU, but guys in general. I guess my question is, if 2 ppl start getting to know each other, and 1 side is interested in more than friendship, why isn’t it ok to accept it and still get to know each other, even after person 2 says they’re not on the same page and would like to be friends?

                Maybe Im making it lighter than it is, but I personally don’t get the trepidation out here. I’ll admit that my experiences have been different from a lot of guys, but I just don’t get it.

                • alton
                  NYCforEVER | July 3rd, 2014
                  0

                  Because in most cases it just makes for an awkward situation. Some guys don’t take rejection well and therefor choose themselves to end any further contact. Some guys still try and pursue, or “Wait in the Wings” for some later opportunity, all the while growing bitter and jealous over said attractions activities. Some dudes are able to both say “fuck it” and actually become friends. The last scenario however, RARELY occurs without some lee time between where one party still harbors some kind of attraction for the other person and where all attraction is gone.

                  I personally don’t like to hurt people’s feelings, don’t like getting my feelings hurt, and don’t like being in awkward situations so for me, the moment I feel that someone may be attracted to me, if I’m not feeling them the same way then I kinda drift away. If its someone I don’t really know or converse with, but always tends to be a spot or function that I’m at, I’ll speak and be cordial, but I curb any convo.
                  Likewise if I’m feeling someone and I get the vibe they don’t see me the same, I fade to black. May not be the best reaction on my part, but it’s my “coping mechanism”.

            • ControlledXaos | July 3rd, 2014
              0

              Its cool if the straight guys know or later find out or are told you are gay once you’ve established some bond where it should be pretty clear you are not interested in them sexually, but if you don’t get to that point… Then what? “Dat nigga gay.”

              Like I know some straight guys who seem cool as phuq but I’m not attracted to them however since I’m gay they won’t understand that part. They’d think I want them. No. I don’t see you like that.

              In the instances where there are guys I see who I do think are attractive, I don’t have to react to my attraction to them. I actually can keep it platonic and admire from afar until I see someone else who catches my attention and there’s actually a chance things could progress where we are both attracted to each other.

              Like one of my exes had an attractive friend. However I’d have never cheated on him with the friend. My first bf had a “friend” who actually literally did try to stick his hands down my pants when we were in a room alone. I said no I’m not like that and pushed him off. Looking back I don’t know if that was a test or not but even in my young and dumb days, I wasn’t that dumb.

  8. SwagJack
    SwagJack | July 1st, 2014
    0

    I never chose my friends based on anyone’s standards of beauty. My circle is reserved for folks that have radiant spirits, sound minds, and generous hearts. I surround myself with people that are goal-oriented, intelligent, down to earth, and open minded. Ethnicity, religion, color, and level of “attractiveness” are non-factors to me. I think when folks start admitting people into that sacred space of their lives based on superficial criteria, disaster strikes. If anyone wants you in their life solely or primarily because of the way you look, beware. Beauty’s only skin deep.

    “I pick my friends like I pick my fruit. And Ganny told me that when I was only a youth.”
    – Erykah Badu

  9. bjincali . | July 1st, 2014
    0

    Of course attractiveness plays a role in seeking friends. Organically formed friendships don’t play by the same rules as actively sought out friendships. I just don’t know how to wonder who the ugly dude is at the coffee shop. Not inclined to say hey at all. The more I think about it, I wonder what this post is even about. Beauty is so subjective, it’s just hard to corner who’s in and who’s out. We can only really speak from our own perspective. What I see as ugly may be someone else’s wildest wet dream…and vice versa, or in this case bestest friend. Now what? We like people for a host of reasons. This conversation can go on forever. Just don’t miss out on ya man or your next bestest friend over some bullsh*t. I do not have an open door policy to my life. You don’t get to experience me just because you showed up somewhere at the same time I did. And if my reflex leads me away from someone, I trust my reflex. I rarely go against that grain in the name of being inclusive. However, attractiveness does not ever win it alone. Funny, smart, confident and assertiveness catches my attention and can sway an initial reflex. Cute people can be stupid and boring too. God help em. And funny looking people can be the best fun you’ve ever had. So how do you formulate this way of socializing? I typically concentrate on being who I like to be and that will attract the right kind of people and repel the wrong.

  10. Rod Turpin
    Rod! | July 1st, 2014
    +2

    I suspect its an effect of the heightened value that we place on attractiveness, which we do for several different reasons. One of them that I think often gets overlooked is that many people want to feel like one of the attractive group. So by keeping attractive friends, the believe themselves to be a part of a “clique” limited to only the best and most beautiful. Funnily enough, this was touched on in a Family guy episode.

  11. christopher | July 1st, 2014
    0

    I truly think it’s a human condition. I’m not sure what drives our desire for beauty to be around us. Unfortunately unattractive people are not given a chance some times. Some also suffer personality problems because of years of being put down because of their looks. sad really that even children will avoid “ugly” people. damage can be life long.

    • alton
      NYCforEVER | July 2nd, 2014
      0

      This is very true, my dude. ESPECIALLY with (certain types of)gay dudes. Mainly because with them, it doesn’t stop with them just flat out not associating with (what they deem as) a lesser/ unattractive guy. There HAS to be some kind of insult or catty ass remark so that they can let said person know that they don’t want anything to do with them and WHY. It really does cause some severe psych issues which dumb as it sounds, can be really difficult to work through and get over.

  12. BlackguyExecutive | July 1st, 2014
    0

    We live in the age of idioms, “beauty is only skin deep” or “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” these are falsehoods. We live in a world where people use the word literally but actually mean figuratively so in an effort to speak truth or come to a truthful realization its has become hard for all in society and especially in the LGBT community and gay men in particular since so much of our culture is based on physical appearance. With that being said I think that gay men come in all different shapes, sizes,colors, and level of perceived attractiveness and I am sure that there are plenty of friendships occur when not all members of said friendship are of the same degree of attractiveness. For me personally, I have found that having a diverse group of people surround me has enriched my life and my experience of life and at certain point in all gay men’s lives there comes a realization that aesthetic beauty fades and the things you thought were important don’t seem to matter anymore.

  13. Ishmal
    Ishmal | July 1st, 2014
    0

    From my experience this is only a determining factor for younger men, gay or straight. The older men get their perception and value of friendship change. When I was younger, I would only befriend guys I thought were attractive. As I’ve gotten older, I’m more concerned with how you treat me and make me feel.
    I think most people grow out of that with time.

  14. Madb86 | August 8th, 2014
    0

    The only reasons I can see people wanting attractive friends are either they are obsessed with the world’s perception of them, or they want to have a friend they can possibly sleep with. Both of which are stupid as hell.

  15. Dre G | August 11th, 2014
    +1

    Attractive people are more preferred in any situation.Lots of teachers,or even parents, will treat a kid with favor or even let them get away with more because of that child’s cuteness.Conversely,they will harbor disdain for a child perceived as “ugly”.

    When it comes to friendships I think it’s like a status thing.People who are shallow enough to only seek attractive friends want to be judged on the face value (no pun intended) of who surrounds them.Same thing as when people seek friends who are rich or popular or what have you.

  16. DC.
    dc102293 | August 17th, 2014
    0

    I personally think in some sense we do in some way whether consciously or unconsciously seek out friends who we deem to be attractive on some level. And sometimes that may not always mean a guy with six pack abs or the girl whose a size 3 and below. Because remember beauty is the eye of the beholder. I find guys with braces to be very attractive and sometimes would look at them twice then as opposed to a guy with no braces. (I’m twenty years old mind you), I think if we see the person with some degree of attraction, we naturally attribute positive qualities to that person, such as friendly, open etc. is that right to do? probably not, but it’s a reality. There was once this guy who had a burn mark on his whole entire face, but I found him attractive even though many didn’t. So therefore it’s all about how you look at it.

    You usually want those around you to be clean cut and well groomed to some degree. And I know some of you might eat me for breakfast or at least attempt because of all that I am saying. But at the end of the day, looks matter in this world one way or another, and we all go judge on a standard of looks. It may be not be in the aspect of dating or friendships, but it could be in the terms of the peers we surround ourselves with, potential hires etc. But once again beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so that alone bears significance. I know there’s some people out there who won’t deem me attractive and for some it may be on the basis that I’m black alone. Were all going to be ugly or “less attractive” to someone, just like some are to us. This is not to rile anyone up but just to provide what is hopefully a unique perspective to the table.

  17. uptown177
    uptown177 | August 20th, 2014
    0

    I was just talking about this topic. But we as human beings like to be around people and objects that are pleasing to the eye. The fact remains is that no one honestly wants to be around ugly people. Lets face it not even ugly people want to be around ugly people. Therefore some people are just honest with what they want and there is nothing wrong with that. We are all superficial in some way. But it is funny when a person is displeasing to the eyes and have all these requirements in order to meet someone. What bothers me is when some people are just rude about it. Just because one’s exterior is nice does not mean the interior is as well. One bad accident and it’s a wrap.

  18. Daniel.vn | September 22nd, 2014
    0

    Gay guys don’t go on apps to make friends….. Friendship is still possible but usually only after sex. Maybe people actually make friends using Grindr in other places but I have lived in the Bay Area (CA) and now NYC, most guys only want hookups. Try it for yourself and you’ll see 🙂

    • ControlledXaos | September 22nd, 2014
      0

      Friendship is still possible but usually only after sex.

      This is a clear cultural difference between west coast, Bay Area gay mentality and, at least from my experiences, southern gay black males. For me, a hook up is a hook up. A friend is a friend. Hook ups don’t matriculate to friend.

      I shouldn’t have to have sex with you to earn your friendship. That is trifling IMO. You can be hot, sexy, and I may find you attractive but if I’m emotionally tied into as a real friend, one I can share my secrets, struggles, successes, and silliness with, I don’t need to add an additional ‘S’ of sex.

      The best way I really form an analogy for it is that, I think, is that I have first cousins who, as a gay man, I can say, they are attractive. BUT they are my family and I don’t desire to see them naked and have sex with them.

      Why do people feel the need they have to have sex with a friend?

      • SB3000 | September 23rd, 2014
        0

        It’s becus sex is the gay man’s handshake. Communication that isn’t abt sex, or getting to it, at least, is a waste of time. Hence, most gay men becoming friends after sex. Ridiculous, in my opinion, but true.

        Truth be told, mannnnny gay men would consider our involvement on this site as a waste of time. Unless we’re ugly, obese, toothless, and stink, why are we on here talking to each other instead of bein on Jackd/grinder getting laid.

        • ControlledXaos | September 23rd, 2014
          0

          It’s becus sex is the gay man’s handshake.

          Ok. I’m using that, just so you know.

          • alton
            NYCforEVER | September 23rd, 2014
            0

            “Sex is the Gay Man’s Handshake”. Every time I see/hear that expression, I think of dudes meeting each other for the first time in a bars, library, street, etc, and instead of shakin’ hands, they grab each others’ junk. LOL

            • SB3000 | September 23rd, 2014
              0

              The crazy part is that we actually have places that exist SOLELY FOR this to happen. Bathhouses, glory holes, sex parties, bars, apps…no words necessary.

              • ControlledXaos | September 23rd, 2014
                0

                And that is why I don’t understand the need to boink your ‘friends’ if sex is so easy to get. There are tons of outlets for it.

                • SB3000 | September 23rd, 2014
                  0

                  In this context, it’s more abt the fact that using a gay social app for anything other than sex has been ruled preposterous. So, if I meet u on Jackd, becus were both gay, then, it’s like, why are u talking to me abt my hobbies n shit? Ur a stranger, so unless u tryna fuck, stop wasting my time.

                  Thus, after we fuck, and u know, get that required gay sex tension out of the air that we ALL have for every other gay man on earth, we can now possibly hang out sometime.

                  And THIS, is why I’m goin str8 for 2015!

                • ControlledXaos | September 23rd, 2014
                  0

                  Early in me and my now ex’s relationship, I told him that A4A was what people made it. If the point was to use it to have sex and hook up, then there will be people for that. If people truly want to use it to meet people non sexually, then that will work too.

                  Eventually the people with common interests will find each other.

                  Now, I’m going to look for someone who is strictly seeking friends who also includes their penis measurement on their profile.

                  I like to know all the deets of my frawns like dat.

                • SB3000 | September 24th, 2014
                  +1

                  See, that was my approach to trying Jackd n shit in the past. I was actually trying to date. But mofos weren’t trying to hear leavin the house. But if I told them I was omw so be face down ass up, w the door unlocked, everybody was ready!

          • SB3000 | September 23rd, 2014
            0

            Is that ur first time hearing that?

            • ControlledXaos | September 23rd, 2014
              0

              Prolly not.

              But I think because of the context this time, it’s sticking with me more so than before.

            • ControlledXaos | September 24th, 2014
              0

              And I think that’s where my small town theory still kinda works.

              In a place where you don’t have a ‘gay side’ of town and the people who don’t want to go to THE gay club, you don’t have any idea of how to find other guys. So you can turn to Jack’d or A4A for that. Now, if you are in a major city, you can find spots to go where there are gay guys and it’s easier to meet others. The apps are still there too but I think a lot of guys in the boonies don’t have anywhere else to turn and some honestly just want to chat and hang and not hook up. However, that too goes on in the boonies. The pool is just smaller so people just hang on to the apps until a new photo pops up and then they all swoop down on it because they tried everyone else already.

              • SB3000 | September 24th, 2014
                0

                I hear u. That theory def makes sense. I was obvs thinkin from a big city stance being in ny

            • alton
              NYCforEVER | September 24th, 2014
              0

              “But if I told them I was omw so be face down ass up, w the door unlocked, everybody was ready!”
              LMAO! This is funny. Nowadays (at least from what I remember I from almost a year ago) there’s even a window for that. They might find somethin’ better within the 10min (hypothetically) it may take you to get to them.

              • SB3000 | September 24th, 2014
                0

                Wouldn’t put it past em

              • ControlledXaos | September 24th, 2014
                0

                I’d be mad as hell if someone did me like that. I’m all hot and bothered. I’m spending my gas and you gonna text me some BS like that?

                See, this is how male sexual abuse gets started.

  19. Bama B. (Kevin T.) | October 26th, 2014
    +1

    Back when I first began exploring my sexuality, finally accepting that I liked men, it seemed that the task of making friends was not of the “hey, you cool, let’s hang out” variety. In my experience, a lot of friendships were established based on a hook-up. It was confusing, and since I didn’t participate in the friendship auditions of it all, I rarely established any genuine friendships with other same gender loving men.

    Unfortunately, this shaped my attitude toward meeting dudes or dating dudes. Anytime I was introduced to one of their friends, it was later revealed that they hooked up a few times before they realized they were just good friends instead. Awkward to me.

    I later on learned how to decipher between a purpose looking for an actual friend vs a potential fuck buddy. Now, subconsciously, whether you’re gay or straight, you form friendships with people in which you find something about them attractive, and it doesn’t have to be physical – it can be a particular trait that compliments your own personality and whatnot.

    What’s crazy for me was during my time of discovery, all I wanted was a friend to identify with; no more, no less. Unfortunately, my idea of friendship differed from those who frequented A4A and BGC. Many Rude Awakenings on my part.

  20. BJinCali | May 8th, 2015
    0

    I’ve always gravitated towards very attractive friends. This compensated for my self-esteem issues. If they are good-looking and want to hang with me, maybe I am good-looking too. There was a time when I did not make time for “ugly.” Then maturity set in. Life learns you to see spirit (at least for those who are paying attention). How do you want to spend your free time? With shitty beautiful people? Or with spirits that make life cloud 9-ish? People who demand attractive friends are being honest about their intention and needs (passive aggressively wanting sex). Its up to you to decide if you fit into that equation. The people you choose are beautiful…even if the opinion is yours alone. Approach with the right intention and beauty will surround you, regardless of what others see.




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