Micro-Aggression & Sexuality

By OckyDub | Posted Dec 23 2013 | 25 Comments  


A couple of weeks ago I read an article about students displaying placards with phrases of micro-aggressions.  Micro-aggression, originally coined academically in the 1970s, is a small or minor behavior, phrase or other action that exhibits a hostile or derogatory attitude towards a minority. The article featured a young photographer’s student subjects revealing comments, attitudes and actions of social aggression that they have experienced, affirming other people’s bigotries.

These pictures were eye opening but for me were not shocking; because as a black man I have also experienced micro-aggression.  The article did make me ponder about the micro-aggression that I have experienced concerning my homosexuality from heterosexuals (including family) and from other homosexuals.   Below are just a few. 



I didn’t know only ugly dudes were gay.


I don’t know. Just bored I guess.



 Give me some head and I will let you know afterwards.


Yeah, I guess I’ll just kill myself now.


 *Sigh* masculinity doesn’t equal having a girlfriend or a wife…WTF


News Flash…Gay people have kids.


Dammit! Who knew I was “doing gay wrong” all these years. All those homosexual acts and nothing to show for it.

Yes, I actually heard this once in the gym…


Said a group of male out of shape slobs.  That’s right; gay men who care about their health and appearance are HIV positive.

Have you experienced micro-aggression concerning your sexuality?  Please feel free to share your personal experiences.



About the Author

Octavius is a founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He's here to help speak for us and show the world that masculine gay / bisexual men of color are not a part of the stereotypical gay normal that is seen and fed to the masses. No...we are a distinct breed, filled with character and pride. Cypher Avenue is here to show the world how we are different.

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25 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. hannibal
    Hannibal | December 23rd, 2013

    “What do you mean you don’t like Beyonce?”

    “Can you help me pick out a dress? All gay guys are into fashion right?”

    • Ocky Williams | December 23rd, 2013

      Yep…I have heard gay men complain about your second phrase before.

      • Black Moses | December 23rd, 2013

        I once had a female roommate who would come into my room and ask me what I thought of her outfit. I know just about as much about fashion as my dad, his dad, and _his_ dad before him, so I’d always just nod and say “it’s okay, I guess.”

        After about three moths of this, she got a little hot and complained, “you’re supposed to know about these things!”

        My retort: “Well, by that criteria, you’re supposed to know how to cook, but here we are: the gay dude with no fashion sense and the girl that can’t cook.”

        I received no further inquiries for fashion approval.

        • Dre G | December 23rd, 2013


        • skycap33 | December 24th, 2013

          Thanks for that Black Moses, in my younger day’s i use to get females telling me i was to cute to be gay.My reply to them was, if i’m to cute to be gay then your to ugly to be straight.(lol). That shut them up.

    • Cyrus-Brooks
      Cyrus Brooks | December 24th, 2013

      Beyonce is overrated. If she was unattractive no one would listen to her ear bleed inducing music. Effeminate gays love her because they wish they could be her.

  2. Dre G | December 23rd, 2013

    How about “He was gay? But He really seemed like a man”

    You would think 5 and 7 wouldn’t exist since they come from gays,but it is interesting that you noted micro-aggression can come from your own demographic

    • Kasule | January 31st, 2014

      Yeah, similar to that, I’ve heard:

      “Wow Rock Hudson was gay! And he was the most masculine guy in Hollywood when I was growing up!”

  3. RolandG
    rolandgarros28 | December 23rd, 2013

    @Ocky, it’s funny you mentioned the one about lifting weights to counter the effects of AIDS. I remember watching a documentary about gay men and AIDS and the narrator implied that gay men starting lifting weights obsessively in the 80s during the AIDS epidemic and his theory was only skinny gay men were perceived to possibly have AIDS and not the buff ones. My theory, albeit not scientific, is the definition of male attractiveness changed during this same time. If you watch old porn from the seventies, the men could all use a biscuit with syrup. But with the advent of VCR, porn became much more prevalent and the men were definitely more muscular. I think a lot of gay men starting lifting weights not for health reasons but for pure vanity. But I wonder if what you heard in the gym stems from the beliefs in this documentary I can’t name. Maybe it was true way back when.

  4. klothesmindedsince78 | December 24th, 2013

    Haven’t had much micro aggression as it relates to sexuality, but I have had MUCH micro-aggression since losing weight…I get things like

    “I guess now you can walk around in public like a normal person…that’s great” – My Doctor (My Response: “As opposed to waddling around like Happy Feet? Yeah, it’s GRRREAT!”)

    “So now, I guess you’re out looking for a girlfriend huh?” – A 70 yr. old colleague of mine (My Response: “Nah, just waiting on you to swing it my way…shawty”)

    • Ocky Williams | December 24th, 2013

      Interesting. I remember in my heavier days being told “yes you’re fat but at least you have a cute face”.

    • Cyrus-Brooks
      Cyrus Brooks | December 24th, 2013

      Bruh people are always gonna hate or try to discourage you when you when you do something for yourself like loose weight. I started back going to the gym 3 months ago after being inactive for 8 years. I’ve gotten negative comments and discouragement from people. I just ignore it. I haven’t felt this healthy since I’ve been in my 20s.

      • Ocky Williams | December 24th, 2013

        Good for you man…that is great info to hear and encouraging.

  5. Cyrus-Brooks
    Cyrus Brooks | December 24th, 2013

    I’ve had many of these micro aggressions directed at me or spoken in my presence. One micro aggression spoken in my presence I never forgot was when I was in the military I overheard two white coworkers say “black guys can tell when another black guy is gay”. Referring to one of my black coworkers rumored to be gay. Little jabs like that have made me very resentful. Which why most of the time I’m an a*****e to most people I come into contact with until they prove themselves worthy of my respect.

    • ControlledXaos
      Black Pegasus | December 24th, 2013

      @CyrusBrooks – I can relate totally to the built up resentment towards heterosexuals. I’ve also been within ear shot of such jabs. I make sure to give a disapproving grimace or simply walk away. This anger towards their hypercritical existence has earned me the destination of someone not to be fucked with. I fear somebody’s gonna get hurt. lol

      • Cyrus-Brooks
        Cyrus Brooks | December 24th, 2013

        Unfortunately I was in when DADT was in full effect so I couldn’t speak my mind without casting suspicion on myself. Me being a passive aggressive person I took my rage out on people who expressed homophobic opinions in covert ways. Now that I’m out of the service I have no problem with confronting anti gay micro-agression. Despite my therapist’s best efforts I still can’t let go of the resentment. I hate the power that str8s still have over us much the way I hate the power whites have. As a group they disgust me. I have nothing but contempt for their smug sense of entitlement.

        • CG Woolley | December 25th, 2013

          I was also in the Military under D.A.D.T., so I was unable to voice my opinion when fellow military members said something Homophobic. I have been out of the Military,and as a Gay Man, for 12 years now. Makes me feel better when I can raise the bullshit flag, and explain how it is. I actually envy those in service now, as they can be open in their relationships. Also, they are talking of allowing gay marriage in service, and giving spousal benefits.

          • Cyrus-Brooks
            Cyrus Brooks | December 26th, 2013

            I’m on the same page with you. I don’t think str8 people or gay people who were not in the military during DADT can truly appreciate the kind of suffocating hell it was to be gay in that environment. I knew a guy from my unit that got kicked out because he was outed. People treated him like s**t before he out processed. He was a good airman I felt bad for him. It was one of the reasons I didn’t reenlist. I know they would treat me the same way if I was outed. I wonder how many quality people the military lost because they did like me and decided one tour was all they could take.

            • alton
              NYCforEVER | February 14th, 2014

              It’s funny for me reading the above comments because I too was in the military (Army) for 8yrs during the whole D.A.D.T. thing, and ironically enough the better part of everyone I was kool with knew I was gay, even some of my sergeants, but I never had an issue nor did I ever hear any micro-aggressive comments from them (at least not in my presence). I can’t say why, I like to assume my rep for being short tempered curbed a lot of that madness.

              As far as (most)women & effeminate gay men, I think they just feel “safer” in the fact that 9 x’s outta 10, and Cyrus you kinda touched on this, they aren’t attracted to said gay friends anyway. He’s just there as a form of “comic relief” so-to-speak. With masculine, handsome men, most women see it as a constant slap in the face that homeboy is not/will NEVER give her the time of day. So she throw underhanded insults (DL, Brokeback, homo thug, etc) despite the fact that said man is not hiding anything about his sexuality, to help herself cop with the “rejection”. And these stupid a$$ reality shows that insist on showing women befriending only effeminate gay black/latino men, most times in makeup, heels, crazy outfits, and all the “hunty” and “miss thing” and “shade” madness doesn’t help. Unfortunately, society as a whole, long ago formed a box with a title on it for Gay Men and there is where we will constantly be placed. Anyone that doesn’t fit will receive the Micro-Aggressive commentary.

        • ControlledXaos
          Black Pegasus | December 25th, 2013

          OMG @CyrusBrooks you keep hitting the nail on the head my friend. That last comment encapsulates how I’ve been feeling since settling into my 30s. As you’ve stated, the resentment can be dis-empowering, but the fact that we’re able to step outside of ourselves and recognize it makes us better off than most.

          • Cyrus-Brooks
            Cyrus Brooks | December 26th, 2013

            What really get me angry with many black gay men is the lack of anger at our situation. It seems like most of bruthas I came in contact with were perfectly willing to accept it as long as they can shake their ass in the club on Friday and Saturday night and praise Jesus in church on Sunday. We should be burning churches down not holding hands with an an enemy doesn’t respect our humanity.

  6. questforknowledge
    quest for knowledge | December 24th, 2013

    It’s so funny that you wrote an article about this. Here recently a few gay guys that I met have been telling me that I’m not comfortable and confident with who I am simply because I’m not announcing my sexuality to everyone and since I’m not involved with gay pride events. I even had a good friend who is a lesbian tell me that I’m putting walls up and I’m not embracing who I am because I’m not in touch with my feminine side. What really surprised me was when she said since I haven’t been as sexually active like some other gay guys that I’m rejecting my gay side. Yes as crazy as it sounds, this is what she said no lie. What really annoyed more than anything was that none of them had enough sense to know that just because we are gay doesn’t mean we all will have the same personality traits. It’s like come on I know you are much smarter than this.

    And I was just thinking the other day about how many times have I heard some of my straight friends say man he is too attractive to be gay. So many females who have gay friends are accustomed to seeing the typical feminine gay dude who they don’t perceive to be attractive and assume all gay guys dress and act the same way. I don’t care how uncomfortable it makes them, they will continue to hear me argue that there are gay men who also happen to be masculine and attractive which means yes he isn’t a option for you lol.

    • Alexandre | January 6th, 2014

      Smart comment. These females you’re talking about tend to particularly annoy me since the ones I knew also had the hobby to “explain” male homosexuality to everybody and act as experts on it, just because they were friends with a bunch of queens (who probably suited the superficial personality of these women).

      Generally again a great article, by the way.

      I experience mico-agression in the way that although I live in a large town, quite some people seem to be upset with the gossip I might be into other dudes, like, what *he* *gasp* and gossip a lot about it. I try to see it with humour ;o).

      • Cyrus-Brooks
        Cyrus Brooks | January 6th, 2014

        You made a good point about the relationship between women and effeminate gay men. I’ve noticed that many women especially black women will cultivate friendships and alliances with feminine gay men. I think there are two things going on. 1: feminine gay men seem to sympathize with and understand the female point of view more than masculine gay men and heterosexual men. 2: in many cases heterosexual women are active accomplices in the cultural castration of homosexual men and fully accept the idea that gay men aren’t real men or are fake or substitute women. I’ve observed that often times these seemingly “gay friendly” women are openly hostile toward masculine gay men.

  7. Wes | December 31st, 2013

    Wow, complete FOOLISHNESS!

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