The church is hoping a new dating app will allow clergymen and officials to engage in sexual activity with teens (in some areas pre-teens) legally. They anticipate this will greatly reduce the controversy surrounding sexual abuse allegations that has plagued the church in previous years. The new app called BTP which stands for Behind The Pew; is similar to current popular dating apps like Grindr or Jack’d and will be released throughout North America before being introduced in other countries.
Clergy officials will be able to discreetly sign in and view the profiles of teens and pre-teens in their area via GPS coordinates. In addition to a monthly fee it must be emphasized that there are strict restrictions placed on participants who utilize this app. The non-church participants who sign up cannot be over 16 years of age. Due to this restriction, the app can only be accessed in certain states of the US which include;
Alabama
Arkansas
Delaware
Georgia
Indiana
Iowa, Michigan
Kansas
Kentucky
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Minnesota
Mississippi
Montana
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
North Carolina
Ohio
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota
Vermont
Washington
Washington DC
West Virginia
The app can also be used in all providences of Canada where the age of consent is 16. The Church is suspecting their biggest draw will come from south of the boarder in Mexico where the age of consent rages from 12 to 14 years of age. Once news of the upcoming app was circulated internally amongst church officials, a waiting list needed to be established for those seeking transfers and relocation to Mexico.
Lets not forget the cost. Even though the app will be free to use for the teens and pre-teens that sign up, clergymen will have to pay a fee of $100 per month. The church will use the monthly fees they collect to help offset the financial losses the church suffered in previous years due to sexual abuse legal settlements.
When asked about the app and how it will impact clergy members, a top church official gleefully stated, “Now we will not have to worry about persecution for our actions and can engage young people with confidence. Our congregation will have assurance knowing their tithes will be put to better use. The best thing is that we will no longer have to groom or coerce the young people into having sex with us nor threaten them with burning in the eternal pits of Hell. Technology has finally given us a tool that will allow us to have sexual contact with minors safely and legally. Praise God.”
Another clergy member who was a part of the beta testing group for the app stated, “I know this is a dating or hookup app but I’m looking for something long term. Hopefully I can meet a young man that I can at least be with until he begins high school. I wish this app had been around before my first sex abuse allegation.“
The Behind The Pew app will be available for download on mobile devices later this year.
@ocky, may I just say how fucked up in the head I think you are? LOL
Is this for real?
Wow, you are one sick individual Ocky…but this wouldn’t surprise me though if it were real. The Church’s culture is based off of hypocrisy lol.
Shout out to TheOnion.com for giving me inspiration LOL
Yooooooo! I was literally abt to be like, this must be some July Fool’s Day shit!
@ocky u REALLY ain’t shit for this!
Sadly, I could actually see this becoming a real thing.
Poe’s law at its finest.
Ocky…I think the power of having your own website has been getting to you lately because you have been entertaining the hell out me XD