Relationship Advice: The Bi-Sexual Dilemma

By OckyDub | Posted Nov 12 2011 | 8 Comments  

Relationship advice from Cypher Avenue relationship specialist Octavius

Wow…We have very interesting email from Anthony out of Dallas, Texas seeking relationship advice.  As always the names have been altered for protection.

Okay here is the summary of the situation.  Anthony and Eugene have been together for about a year and a half.  Anthony says he is gay but his partner Eugene is bisexual (you see where this is going).  Anthony states early on this was discussed and Eugene made his bisexuality known and also stated he doesn’t “flip – flop” or go back and fourth between men and women.  He only dates one sex exclusively at a time.

Fast forward to October 2011…Eugene in “conversation” tells Anthony that he misses being with a woman.  Coincidentally one of Eugene’s ex-girlfriends will be in town to visit family the week of Thanksgiving and he wants to know would it be okay for them to hook up and potentially have sex.

Eugene told Anthony that he and his ex-girlfriend have always had contact with each other (text, email, phone, facebook) on a associate / friendship basis, but their last conversation she expressed interest in hooking up sexually while she is in town.

Anthony states he has some apprehensions about this.  His reasons are…

-As noted above, in the beginning of the relationship Eugene stated he doesn’t “flip – flop” or go back and fourth between men and women, but now he wants to hook up with his ex-girlfriend who is coming to town.-When Anthony expressed his feelings that he can’t and would not hook up with any of his ex-male friends while in a relationship with Eugene; Eugene stated it’s different and Anthony can’t understand because he is not bisexual.

-Eugene stated him meeting up with his ex-girlfriend while she is in town will not automatically equal them having sex, but he feels it will happen if she pushes the issue.

And in Anthony’s words…”I feel like we go through the normal stuff that any other relationships go through and I really care for this guy, but the closer Thanksgiving gets here the more pissed off I feel.”

PictureHere is my advice for Anthony…

First I feel like there is absolutely nothing wrong with being bisexual; however committed monogamous relationships are committed monogamous relationships, period.  Who wants to hear, “Hey I care for you but I want to cheat on you with my ex”?

There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling because you want someone to treat you like you treat them and in this situation that is not the case.

Let’s get real here.  Sexual preferences and orientations have nothing to do with commitments.  Eugene has basically informed you that he most likely is going to cheat on you.  Why should you be okay with this?  You should think more highly of yourself to not allow someone else to treat you this way?  Why would you allow someone to come in and make you live outside of your own truth?  You respect and honor commitment in your relationship and that is part of your truth.

I think this situation has presented itself in your life to make you examine who you are and make an assessment of your self worth.  Your reaction and you sending me the email seeking advice should let you know that Eugene’s attitude and behavior is not okay for a committed relationship and does not personally sit well for you.

Get your shit together (and if you choose to) make yourself available for someone that values himself and commitment and will in turn value you and being in a relationship with you.

Eugene has been for the most part honest about his feelings and sexuality, so don’t be surprised if in another 3 to 6 months he wants to get some pussy from the same or another ex-girlfriend who may be in town.  I don’t see how this could possibly end on a good note for your relationship.  Now…if you choose to stay with Eugene and do nothing, you have to be at peace with your decision.  If you decide to end the relationship and move on… be at peace with your decision.

I just want to reiterate that my response is in no way a knock against bisexuality.  As long as you are not hurting any body or anything…sleep with whomever you want to sleep with.  But I feel this issue has less to do with bisexuality but has more to do with commitment and monogamy.  Regardless if you find out before hand or after the fact its still infidelity and disloyalty.

Well folks…what is your opinion or thoughts for Anthony?  Or what is your thoughts on the advice I gave.  Feel free to drop us a line or leave a comment below.  And if you have any relationship questions you like for me to answer, holla at me at or you can use the “contact” function on our website. 

– Octavius

About the Author

Octavius is a founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He's here to help speak for us and show the world that masculine gay / bisexual men of color are not a part of the stereotypical gay normal that is seen and fed to the masses. No...we are a distinct breed, filled with character and pride. Cypher Avenue is here to show the world how we are different.

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8 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. Nick D | July 7th, 2013

    “…meeting up with his ex-girlfriend while she is in town will not automatically equal them having sex, but he feels it will happen if she pushes the issue.”

    Sigh…Yo, this is yet another example of why I’m against the whole “Friends with Exes” thing. Why complicate things, especially early in the relationship?

    As for Anthony, I think the idiom “Go with your gut” applies here. Octavius pretty much covered things in the post but a quote from Maya Angelou can sum it up more succinctly, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

  2. JC Powell | July 7th, 2013

    Love the comment about commitment. Monogamous relationships are monogamous relationships…regardless of sexual orientation. This dude may want to have a real sit down with his ‘guy’ about how he feels and lay down the law or else this situation will end with his young heart in a million trillion pieces.

  3. Antoine Lawson | July 7th, 2013

    i dont think its fair for eugene to b with anthony,for anthony will always b cheating,anthony is bisexual so naturally hel b with women. im not saying dat,all bi men r d same but chances r most majorities cant b trusted,with women for theyr gonna c women as been sexually attracted etc,u av some bi men will b with their partners and b faithful for a healthy relationship,theyl block women from their mind all entirely,theyl talk to women as only social friends but bcuz we who r not bi-we will always av in d bk of our head dat hay something is going on when its not so,wel also av false accusations as well,so its a very wide area we needs to look at.

  4. Blacque | July 7th, 2013

    It’s quite clear from the views expressed that you guys don’t really understand bisexuality. And regardless of what most say, truth is many people actually judge bisexuals because they don’t understand them.

    I’ve said this to people at different times: being straight is easy, being gay is relatively easy, but being bi is damn too difficult! The truth about bisexuality is that you DESIRE both, NEED both, WANT both at different times in your life to feel ‘complete’. If you’re straight, you can get with one member of the opposite sex and that’s it! If you’re gay, you can get with one member of the same sex and that’s it! But if you’re bi, the lines are VERY blurry – because you DESIRE both, NEED both, WANT both! Trying to define bisexual boundaries by the precepts of monosexual expectations is truly ridiculous and shows a lack of understanding of the struggles of bisexuality.

    Be clear on this: if a person is TRULY bisexual, while they may indeed be faithful to one gender for a period of time, they will ultimate yearn and pursue interactions with the other gender eventually. It’s simply in their organic make-up! It’s what makes straight guys want girls and straight boys want boys! The truth of it is that a bisexual needs BOTH.

    Anthony was silly, naive and horny enough to get involved intimately with Eugene without expecting this kind of development at some point. Eugene was stupid also to think he could just wash away his desires by making a verbal commitment. This is the reason why I’ve always advocated that bisexuals should only deal with bisexuals. Gay men (at least the responsible ones) ultimately look to ‘settle’ (however they define it for their personal purposes) with one dude to build with and spend the rest of their lives; a bisexual dude is NEVER the right person for that kind of dream. If he’s truly bisexual, he’s going to want pussy at one point. And if you know that’s a thought you can’t deal with, then you shouldn’t mess with him in the first place – REGARDLESS OF WHAT PROMISES HE MAKES!

    • Ashille | July 7th, 2013

      So i am a bisexual female age 20. Been in a relationship with a male for a year and am feeling the need for a woman again.. are you saying, Blacque, that I will ALWAYS want both? how will I ever commit to marriage? I have a long time until I’d want to commit, yes, but i’d like to settle and have a family eventually. What steps should I take internally to grow as a person and be ready to commit??

      • Blacque | July 7th, 2013

        Ashlie, what I’m saying is exactly what you’re experiencing right now. It’s never as easy or cut-dry as people want to make it seem. There are divergent desires and even if you try to celebrate one at the expense of another, it’s only a matter of time before the other ‘dragon’ rears its head and demands attention.

        The good thing for you is as a female, you actually have it better. The world is more open to female bisexuality (heck, they even celebrate it). You should be able to settle down in the institution of marriage and live a happy life as long as your husband understands your occasional need for being with a female. Actually, men fantasize about stuff like that. LOL

        It’s easier for you as a woman to open up to a man about your bisexuality than it is for a man to open up to a woman. Perhaps your man can even join in the fun? Hey, it spices things up and helps you scratch your itch. Sounds funny, but it’s true.

        I think as long as you can derive pleasure from being with a man, you should be fine. Once you table your goals and long-term plans and weigh them against everything else, things fall into place. I’d suggest that just like you’re already doing, you invest more in your relationship with men than with women. If you manage to ‘train’ your body into putting your homo-side as a secondary, then it should be easier to live the kind of life you desire.

  5. Omar | September 16th, 2014

    I am going to clear it up right now. Listen up people! I believe being bisexual means having the ability to love a man or woman and want to express that love physically. Isn’t your sexuality really mental? Isn’t it about how one sees one’s self? A relationship is a relationship. It is up to the couple to decide want is and what is not appropriate for them as a couple.

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