REVISITED: The 8 Black Gays You Will Meet in Your Lifetime

By Nick Delmacy | Posted Feb 25 2014 | 43 Comments  

8blackgayslifetime

Long before I began blogging about being a black gay man, there was an article that hit my inbox that literally had me crying from laughter.

I’d just been in the “gay lifestyle” for 3 or 4 years when this 2010 satirical listicle (written by Nova Slim, who now runs a pretty dope men’s fashion blog) hilariously summed up the 8 types of black gays that I’d recently started to meet.

I immediately recognized the comical nature of the post, however many gay men took offense causing Nova to write a response defending his writing. This became all to familiar years later as the writers here at Cypher Avenue face the same gay idiots who can’t separate satire from seriousness.

Four years (almost to the day) is far too long for this biting satirical commentary to go unread and forgotten, so we bring you Nova Slim’s hilarious guide to The 8 Black Gays You Will Meet In Your Lifetime.


The 8 Black Gays You Will Meet in Your Lifetime

Written By – Nova

After reading “A Handy Guide to All Gay Men” by Brian Moylan over at Gawker, what stood out to me (obviously) was that I don’t know many Black men like this. Any one of these archetypes can apply to my Black gay brethren, but by and large, in my experience, they do not. So some mischievous friends and I decided to compose a more colorful equivalent to Moylan’s classifications. Your education begins now.


The Skinny Bitch

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This strain of Black gay is typically very young (“green”) but quickly rises in popularity in his newfound social circle because of his youth, pliability and quick mastery of shade. His goal is to accrue as many enemies as possible since he’s convinced that having enough people that despise him means he’s “doing something right.” He will spend an entire month’s salary on designer sunglasses because he considers them social currency.


Activities: “Walking”, throwing shade, wearing eyeliner, being penetrated, hogging the camera, starting arguments with strangers, making YouTube videos, going to the mall.


Diva of Choice: Beyonce or Rihanna (there is no in-between)


Top or Bottom: Bottom.

 


The Homo Thug

cam_ron-242x300The Homo Thug’s days are numbered since this is a group that usually patterns itself after trends in Hip-Hop, and the thug image is slowly fading. However, this image is still a selling point in gay porn and a popular refuge for closeted men. He usually has archaic notions about Black male sexuality and equates “thug” with masculinity. He is disrespectful, self-hating, and needs to pull his pants up.


Activities: Hiding, lying, saying “I don’t do that gay shit”, smoking weed, being ignorant, having kids, having a limited vocabulary, not returning calls, breaking hearts.


Diva of Choice: Lil’ Wayne


Top or Bottom: Outdoor Top/Indoor Bottom

 


The Big Boy

AnthonyAnderson-240x300

These teddy bears are sweet, loving, warm and always horny. The lines between a good meal and good sex are often so blurred that any conversation involving “meat” will simply have to be taken in stride. He is way more confident than you think he has a right to be, always has a date (because he looks “healthy”), he’s funny, and will give you anything in the world as long as you are consistently fucking his brains out.


Activities: Calling skinny bitches “skinny bitches”, cooking, hugging, making inappropriate double entendres, grabbing.


Diva of Choice: Jennifer Hudson


Top or Bottom: Bottom.

 


The Muscle Gay

pumper

They roll in packs and only date each other. You never see them during the winter months because they are in the gym 24/7. Come summer, he’s wearing the smallest tank-top or the tightest t-shirt. Don’t bother lusting after him, because you do not exist in his world.


Activities: Making fun of fat people, lifting weights, talking about lifting weights, accusing skinny people of being sick, dating white guys, bumping into people, being penetrated.


Diva of Choice: Creatine.


Top or Bottom: Power Bottom.

 

 


The Church Gay

tyler_perry2-222x300

In spite of the Black church’s reputation for homophobia and intolerance, you will find that a number of Black gay men make the church the cornerstone of their social interaction, perhaps out of a sense of familial or religious obligation, or simply because the choir is so fierce. The Church Gay is usually loyal and loving, but is prone to Tourette-like outbursts of “Jee-suss!!” in any given situation. He listens to gospel music constantly and considers Loretta Divine his spirit animal.


Activities: Cooking, talking loud, clutching his pearls, singing, being called “mother”, being single, speaking with a southern twang even though he’s from the midwest or the northeast.


Diva of Choice: Karen Clark Sheard


Top or Bottom: Sanctified Bottom.

 


The Uppity Snob

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He is educated, has a six-figure salary, a nice car and a big house, but nothing is good enough for him. He will throw dinner parties with his Coven Of The Articulate and they will all wear hard-soled shoes regardless of the season, time of day or theme. When he’s among other types of gays, he will roll his eyes, sneer, or attempt to oppress them intellectually. In spite of all his accomplishments, he’ll never be happy, can’t take a joke and never laughs. He can usually be found in the club wearing a blazer and sipping a cocktail against the wall.


Activities: Debating, sighing, having a small penis, having furniture delivered, going to the spa, being offended, finding excuses to use any word that requires a schwa.


Diva of Choice: Whitney Houston


Top or Bottom: Bottom.

 


The Alterna-Gay

pretty

He doesn’t like the “gay scene” because he finds it “too mainstream.” You can find him a coffee shop with his MacBook Pro listening to underground Soul or Hip-Hop, writing poetry and waiting for someone with whom he can debate the oppression of goats and librarians. He often accuses people of “not getting” him and reactively dislikes anything that everyone else likes. He’s basically “The Uppity Snob” but with dreadlocks.


Activities: Poetry slams, debating, having his locks re-twisted, blogging, shopping at outdoor markets, calling himself a photographer, quoting Marcus Garvey, dating white men.


Diva of Choice: Some bitch you never heard of.


Top or Bottom: Top for white guys, otherwise bottom.

 


The Old Gay

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The Old Gay has seen everything and done everyone. He thinks you’re frivolous and that you stole everything from his generation. He will say things like “in my day, the men were men” and “remember when House music was House music?” He is short of patience and doesn’t want to hear your whining.

Activities: Knowing everything. Remembering everything.


Diva of Choice: Stephanie Mills, Teena Marie, Chaka Khan or Luther Vandross.


Top or Bottom: Like it even matters.

 

 

 


 

Be sure to check out Nova’s new Men’s Fashion Blog,  Sidney • Andre HERE.

About the Author
Nick Delmacy

Nick is a founder, editor and the pop culture expert at Cypher Avenue. Serving as the designer and webmaster of the site, he is the architect of The Cypher Avenue Matrix.

   
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43 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. Ace of hearts | February 25th, 2014
    0

    This was a good and funny read.

    • Lewis | July 6th, 2014
      0

      Funny read but according to this article all black,gays are Bottoms. So who is doing the penetrating??

  2. achris
    achris | February 25th, 2014
    0

    LMAO @ all the “top or bottom” answers!

  3. caliken
    caliken10 | February 25th, 2014
    +5

    I litterally thought of one or two people I’ve met for each of the categories! Once again we gay nerds are left out again! lol Diva of choice: Storm, Wonder Woman or Catwoman LOL!

  4. Ocky Williams | February 25th, 2014
    0

    LOL…I once got an attitude for a hot minute because somebody called me the “Muscle Gay” Diva Of Choice: Creatine LMAO!!!!!!

  5. Richard | February 25th, 2014
    0

    Great post! Lol Alterna and Uppity snob. I love me some Whitney Houston

  6. ruelon
    ruelon | February 25th, 2014
    0

    This was hilarious and so spot on. A must share for sure.

  7. African King | February 25th, 2014
    0

    Seriously funny!

  8. Pensive | February 25th, 2014
    0

    Truth disguised as comedy. Why can’t people take it? lol

  9. over it | February 26th, 2014
    0

    thanks for this post! this was great! I had a good laugh

  10. Tshepo | February 26th, 2014
    0

    LOL… Yeah this article though… it hit home, funny thing is i am the Uppity Snot combine with the Alterna Gay, i just got checked by this article. thank its a good read indeed

  11. Dre G | February 26th, 2014
    0

    I laughed at every single line of this,mostly because I’ve met half this list in the past year.

    • hannibal
      Hannibal | February 26th, 2014
      0

      ^^^Definition of Alterna-Queen

      • Dre G | February 26th, 2014
        +3

        Just because some of us have hair to grow into dreads-wait,nvm Im crossing into skinny bitch territory now

  12. Dre G | February 26th, 2014
    -1

    Sanctified Bottom? LMAO Really ?

  13. jeremy | February 26th, 2014
    0

    I laughed the first time and I’m at work laughing even harder now….this gave me so much joy today. Thanks

  14. Brother Love | February 26th, 2014
    0

    Come on y’all… this can’t be real hahahaha

  15. alton
    NYCforEVER | February 26th, 2014
    +1

    I think this $h!t is HILARIOUS! I don’t know why anyone woulda get offended over it, because in the end, it’s about 90% true. LOL!! Especially “Skinny Bitch”, “Homo Thug” and “Muscle Gay”.

  16. Zion MarQuiese Devereaux | February 26th, 2014
    0

    So much truth.

  17. scottywashere | February 26th, 2014
    +5

    Lol @ these picture examples. So basically everyone’s a bottom.

  18. redsknz | February 27th, 2014
    0

    Quick question then if everyone is a bottom then who Are the tops.
    .-Shannon

    • Ocky Williams | February 27th, 2014
      +2

      when you have to explain satire…

  19. KINGLiyon | February 27th, 2014
    +2

    Keep in mind that this doesn’t represent ALL GAYS, but it DOES Represent A LOT, And I’ve come across at least 4 of them on this list lol that’s why iLaughed so hard.

  20. TheNickelBar | February 27th, 2014
    +2

    This describes a lot of gay men that I’ve met over the years. The one category missing was the guy that does everything gay but swears no one knows he’s gay. They’re the type that take it anyway they can.

  21. Bougiehippie | February 27th, 2014
    0

    Its funny because its true.

  22. Bambi | February 27th, 2014
    0

    The fact that the alterna gay is my ex & they hit that ass dead on got me over here dying …I’m not white tho & he sure wasn’t any top of mine lmao

  23. cleopatra jonz | February 27th, 2014
    0

    What do you call the tragically single black queen who is in love straight white men? I have a friend who it is clearly obvious that he is in love with straight whire men and spends his life proving or trying to prove that they are gay…..he has never in is life been in a relationship and if he is not the only gay you know he throws shade…..prettiest queen in the room syndrome, what do you name him?

    • Ocky Williams | February 27th, 2014
      0

      Sounds like a man who needs therapy.

  24. Mpilo Grootboom | February 27th, 2014
    +1

    Where is the share button? This is soooo relevant.

  25. leedejun | February 27th, 2014
    +1

    I hate how true this is lol I am definitely the Alterna-Gay minus a few things listed here haha. I’m dying

  26. SB3000 | February 28th, 2014
    +1

    LMAO…ppl aint shit! But this is classic.

  27. Rox808 | March 1st, 2014
    0

    hahahaha. damn this was funny. i was on a “gay’ vacation with 2 church gays. haha man it prompted an arguement between the 2 of them with who was more into jesus. all while killing my buzz and giving me a headache. Im curious what kind of gay i would fit into. haha id say a muscle-gay. haha. i only shop for baby gap t-shirts. hahahahaha. the only time i have an issue with a big person, is when they are trying to choke me out in ju jitsu and it has happened. haha. u should do a part 2 to this. haha

  28. MHQ | March 1st, 2014
    +1

    If all these niggas are bottoms who is that ONE dude at the TOP pile-driving these old roody pooh candy asses?

    Seems like that’s the nigga you should be writing the article about…

  29. questforknowledge
    quest for knowledge | March 1st, 2014
    +2

    This is so hilarious, this list had me going!! I definitely know someone who is a uppity snob, I swear he has all the characteristics listed for this label. I’ve gotta share this list with my friends.

  30. Tyron88 | March 2nd, 2014
    +2

    Lmaooooo! Why is everyone a bottom though man? Are you saying Tops no longer exist? I beg to differ!!! Lmao

  31. Donald
    itman | March 5th, 2014
    0

    LMAO!!! Hilarious! LOL!

  32. North_SouthThing | March 11th, 2014
    0

    Who Knew?…LMAO!

  33. anesu
    anesu m | April 2nd, 2014
    0

    what does it mean when we call or categorize one another with derogatory terms like, “Skinny Bitch”
    if some straight dude called one of us, skinny bitch out there in the public would we be all cool about it. Regardless of our masculinity and claim to it and how much we are so not fems, it begs the question. what does using this term say about us. gay men and specifically, gay masculine men.

  34. boom boom | July 7th, 2014
    +2

    why are they all bottoms? lol

    • thatGuy | March 14th, 2015
      0

      It’s funny you mentioned that. I was thinking the same thing.

  35. samespiritssamebody | August 7th, 2015
    0

    I’m smiling. This is great. But I love them the same and want one for forever. I’m so impressed with the writing and perspective of you two.

  36. dmath14 | September 14th, 2015
    0

    Love it..I am the “OLD GAY”.. SO ON POINT…VERY GOOD READING..




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