Top 15 Reasons You ARE NOT Relationship Material

By OckyDub | Posted Nov 20 2013 | 76 Comments  

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Top 15 Reasons You ARE NOT Relationship Material

It’s my theory that because many gay men couldn’t experience dating and relationships like their peers when they were teenagers; they are overly eager in attempts to form relationships when they gain their independence.  After many hap hazard attempts, bad dating and relationship habits may form setting up future cycles of failure.  There are so many gay men out there declaring that they want meaningful and stable relationships, but do they even know what stable relationship really means?

Do single gay men want long term relationships or are they just in love with the idea having one? Are men just captivated with the concept of the fantasy man that will come and fulfill their dreams? When gay men say out loud “long term relationship” do they really mean “non-committed companionship”?  Well let’s just say it’s the former and not the latter, the problem is many men don’t realize they’re not ready and are not relationship material.  Could this be you?  If you don’t know, here are 15 reasons to help you realize that…You Are Not Relationship Material.


1. You’re A Cheater: You don’t have a problem starting a relationship but you do have a problem being faithful in one.  You think the idea of a committed relationship is having a “main dude” but also having a small stable of other stallions at your disposal. If you have the tendency to “make a mistake” or just “slip up” in the form of having sexual encounters with someone other than your partner while in a relationship, guess what?;  you are not relationship material.  As a matter of fact, you suck at it. A mistake is entering $200.00 on the ATM keypad when you meant to only enter $20.00. Real men are honest with themselves and their partners.  An honest man doesn’t just “slip up” and break commitments.  Also by definition an honest man is not a liar. What secure adult man lies anyway? Being monogamous should be easy and thoughtless. If you like variety and sampling the spice of life by all means do so but do it as a single bachelor (you asshole).


2. You Have Little Self-Worth: In other words, you’re a doormat.  You let men walk all over you. It doesn’t matter if he cheats or if he is abusive and treats you will little respect; you’ll still be there by his side because you made a commitment to him.  The problem is that he is not committed to you.  Sorry…the real problem is that you are not committed to yourself.   You shouldn’t allow your desperation for companionship to emasculate you.  Chances are even if you break up with this dude, the next man will be the same because this is what you attract…you are prey. A real man will not want a whimp, a push over or a doormat.  To attract a man that will care for you and love you, first you have to care about and love yourself. Get up off the floor and stand up.


3. You’re Mr. Fix It: You think you have magical man powers that will cause him to change.  You want to fix him.  Sorry to tell you but if you find him broken, he needs to fix himself.  A man needs to walk his own path and discover his own way.  There is nothing wrong with offering guidance and assistance but it should not be in the form of starting a sexual relationship. Your attempts at “fixing him” could lead to drama and disaster when your fixing abilities fail to work. You should be looking for a companion or a partner, not a project. You’re the one who needs fixing and you’re not relationship material.  Do some serious self-analysis to try to figure out why you seek men to raise.


4. You Don’t Have Stability:  In other words…you don’t have your shit together. Three roommates, bad credit, no transportation, no checking or savings accounts, no goals or ambitions besides the fact that you want a relationship. You need to get your shit together before you even entertain the idea of forming a relationship with someone.  You have to get your stock and self -worth up to get a seat at the table because right now you are un-equally yoked.


5. You Don’t Get Out: You sit at home and barely venture out but you always complain about how lonely you are.  You’re on all the gay blogs and websites leaving comments about “how there isn’t any regular cool guys out here” but what you don’t say is that you barely socialize in person with other gay men outside of the rare visit to a gay club. Get out of the mindset that the only place to meet other men is at gay clubs or gay bars. Gay men are everywhere, at hardware stores, malls, sports bars, lounges; everywhere. Turn the computer off and go outside and play.


6. You Don’t Meet Your Own Standards:  It seems like many single men always have a long list of requirements and high standards of their future partner.  The trouble is that many times they don’t meet the same standards they wish for in others. Wealth, good looks, hot body, not too short, not too tall, not too fem, not too masculine, not to dark, etc.  There is nothing wrong with having standards and qualifications for a potential partner; however if you can’t meet at least 95% of the requirements you have laid-out, you’re delusional and you’re not ready for a relationship.  The majority of men don’t have six packs and chances are if you don’t have one he won’t either. You are being crippled by looking and waiting for a fantasy.  Start looking for a real man who will treat you like a King. 


7. You’re Emotional Damaged: No, we are not talking about diagnosable mental illness; we’re talking about the stressful, self-limiting and self-loathing baggage that you are carrying around from all of your past negative life experiences.  Whether it’s from family experiences, high school or past relationships that ended badly; you’re emotional damaged and you’re bringing all the weight of mistrust and insecurities into your relationships.  You want trust but are reluctant to trust others.  Your emotional baggage becomes a wedge and splinters the few relationships that you are able to form.  If you want a relationship, you have to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable and one aspect of vulnerability is to forgive. A trait of forgiveness means understanding you can’t change the past but you can accept it, learn from it, and grow. Often we not only need to forgive others but also forgive ourselves, which many times can be difficult.  Seeking professional help is a sure fire way to talk through your emotional baggage and come out a new man.


8. You Don’t Have Patience:  In other words, you are too desperate.  You want an instant relationship…just add water and stir.  You don’t take the time to actually date, to court, to bond with the man you are interested in.  You want the happy home and the image of the nice happy gay married couple RIGHT NOW, THIS INSTANT.  You’re not willing to or don’t feel like putting in the required work because you just want the idea of a relationship to fill a void.  These types of needy and sometimes possessive men can be very annoying especially after they say “I Love You” after the third date.  Dude chill-out and take your time.  Rushing into relationships has probably been your problem in the past but you’ve just been too damn hungry to notice. Taking your time and getting to learn another man can also teach you some things about yourself but if you get too eager, class can quickly be dismissed.


9. You’re Too Jealous:  Do you check his cell phone for pictures and sent text messages? What about questioning his every move?  Do you need to know his daily and weekly schedule? Do you get angry when he doesn’t answer your calls or reply to your text within five minutes? I mean you have been dating him for at least three weeks so you are entitled to this type of behavior right?  Wrong! There is a strong chance you are a jealous dude with insecurities and trust issues.  A man wants and needs to be respected like a man. Nagging questions from one grown man to another is not a good thing.  If you display this type of jealously, examine within yourself where it stems from before you aggravate and drive away the man you are attempting to establish a relationship with.


10. You Hit The Sheets Too Quickly:  This is simple.  If 99% of all your dates end with your penis sneezing (i.e., an orgasm) you’re a male whore.  You are advertising to the world that you are not relationship material but hookup, jump-off material…and believe me, men talk. This easily sends a message to the man that you’re having sex with that if it’s this easy for him than its just as easy for any man. Therefore, you are not relationship material.  Yes I know we men get horny and if dates are few and far between, we may get a little excited.  However if you want a relationship then you want to be viewed as relationship material.  A cool trick I use to do is to masturbate before I went on a date.  That way my sex drive had been somewhat depleted and I could focus on the man and not trying to get into his pants. Try it.


11. You’re A Gaylebrity:  As my best friend says “You’re a house hold name”.  Meaning, you are known coast to coast within the gay community.  Everyone knows who you are.  You are the premier Gay Socialite. You go to all the clubs and know all the players.  You live, breathe and are entrenched in the gay lifestyle. The problem is when the fans have disbursed and the club closes, you go home lonely.  There’s nothing wrong with socializing but here again, for many gay men this can be uncomfortable when attempting to date or start a relationship. The reason is because some men may feel you are to easily assessable and distracted by other men.  The appearance you may give off is that you are more into clubbing and socializing versus being serious and settling down. Try scaling back your party rocking.  Believe me; the clubs will always be there.


12. You’re In The Closet: Regardless of your reasons and even if you feel they are valid reasons; you’re still in the closet.  How can you expect to have a full, functioning, happy relationship when you can’t even grab a bite to eat with your potential partner because you’re worried about frat brothers, co-workers or family seeing you “out” together?  If your happiness is dependent on people who are not in your bedroom then chances are you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of loneliness and sadness.  Many times you may purposely or unconsciously sabotage your relationships because it may be getting too serious. Your insecurities are limiting the quality of your life. Attempt to live your life by going out of the way to make sure your joy and happiness is priority number one!


13. You’re Dating All The Wrong Men: You support yourself, you’re independent and you love and respect yourself.  You have goals and aspirations, your ethics are intact and you’re an all-around Man’s Man. You pretty much got everything together except… you keep dating the wrong men.  You have reasonable standards and requirements for the potential man you want to couple with but instead you date men that you can’t envision yourself in a relationship with. You consistently “date down”. Don’t date down, date up!  In other words, don’t settle.  Dating down, settling and forming a relationship with Mr. Right Now could lead to disappointment and resentment by both parties.  You don’t want to come off like a jerk so why are you spinning your wheels and wasting everyone’s time? Do yourself a favor and don’t settle for less than the man in the mirror. Look for a man that will enhance and add value to your life and partnership.


14. You Are Addicted To Mobile Apps & Social Gay Media: Jack’d, Grindr, Scruff, BGC, Adam 4 Adam, Men 4 Now…you know them and have multiple profiles on them all.  The problem is that even after you start dating, these sites and apps have become such a routine or habit within your life that you can’t stop logging on.  I have heard some men say that they actually have “friends” on these sites that they have only communicated with online.  I’m not saying that this isn’t possible but what’s wrong with communicating with them through non-gay-sexual-hookup means?  Why haven’t you all exchanged email addresses and communicate that way? This is another sure fire way to send a signal to a potential partner that you are not relationship material. In a way, you’re saying he is not interesting enough or that you don’t value him enough get off the apps or websites.  A real man in person is better than an internet man any day. Close your accounts and log off.


15. You Have No Idea What A Meaningful Relationship Is: Sad but serious.  Ethic men rarely see examples of themselves in loving, long lasting relationships. Regardless if it’s Asian, Black, Latin or Indian men, it’s hard finding examples of our love in Hollywood productions, TV series, web series,  and in everyday life.  We all know they exist but it seems like they are as elusive as a Snow Leopard.  What we do see in abundance within the media is gay dysfunction and conflict.  Commitment, love, security, morals and ethics are just too boring; however we are made to believe that everyone cheats and drama is so much sexier.  “How will I know if he really loves me if he isn’t jealous and abusive?  That’s how we show our love”.  “I can’t be with a man, who doesn’t argue and scream, that’s boring”.  Sadly many men and women think relationships can’t exist without dysfunction. This mindset has been shaped by generations of misinformation and subpar examples.  A companion should not bring dysfunction into your life but enrich the love and joy you already have for yourself.


As we continue through the teenage years of the 21st century, we have more tools than ever to help us do better and be better mentally and spiritually. We continue to allow our self-imposed problems to hinder self-development and growth.  We all have the power to influence our thoughts and actions to move forward and progress.  We are a social species and for the most part need companionship. Don’t be the reason that you miss out on this beautiful human experience.

Here’s the Top 15 Reasons You ARE NOT Relationship Material PODCAST

 

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About the Author
OckyDub

Octavius is a founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He's here to help speak for us and show the world that masculine gay / bisexual men of color are not a part of the stereotypical gay normal that is seen and fed to the masses. No...we are a distinct breed, filled with character and pride. Cypher Avenue is here to show the world how we are different.

   
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76 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. ControlledXaos
    Black Pegasus | November 20th, 2013
    +1

    Okay, i’ll be the first to say that I am number 7 and I am number 9.

    #7 . I’m not trusting of guys I date ( especially the very attractive ones). I was cheated on with a guy I spent 4yrs with back in my college days. I discovered he was secretly having sex with his much OLDER former lover who was also one of his college professors on our campus. During our relationship, I broke it off numerous times because I suspected he was dishonest, but he begged me to stay with tears in his eyes. I believed he truly loved me, but his actions damaged me deeply.

    #9. My last attempt at dating ended after my jealousy got the better of me. He was cute, educated and had numerous friends and frat brothers. I simply could not trust that he wasn’t sleeping with any of them despite his reassurances.

    So yes, despite whatever I have going on for myself I have some serious work to do if I want to retain a healthy relationship. This was my truth telling…thanks for reading 🙁

    • Ocky Williams | November 20th, 2013
      +1

      No thank you for sharing. At least you recognize the problems which means you can work on them if you want to.

    • SB3000 | November 20th, 2013
      +1

      @blackpegasus – yea man, like @ocky said, glad u can acknowledge and recognize. appreciate when i see guys being so open on here, i feel like it makes it that much easier for the next 1 to know its ok to get things off of ur chest.

  2. SB3000 | November 20th, 2013
    0

    Id say Im most affected by #5.

    But it’s not for lack of trying, and I’ll leave it at that..lol.

  3. African King | November 20th, 2013
    +3

    Thank you for writing this article Ocky! I can fit into #5, #6, #7 and #12 to varying degrees. Mostly #12. I am still working on me. Taking baby steps on my road to happy has been a long, arduous process. But I do believe that little by little things will get better.

    There are so many things in this world that many of us want… money, cars, perfect job, perfect relationship, happiness, great sex, etc. Pretty much all of us want that stuff but many of us are not willing to struggle for it. I think that we all should make the choice to be happy and think positive thoughts as much as we possibly. To look in the mirror and be content with your reflection says a lot because who ever you are outside of the house may make you feel good but when you get back home, you get home alone and you have to be content with all that you’re doing and who you are portraying yourself to be. I think that even though we’ve all had our painful experiences in the past that we owe it to ourselves to exercise forgiveness. Not only with those who hurt us but to also forgive ourselves for whatever we may feel negatively about. I think that if we are willing to push past the pain and really acknowledge a question such as, “How did I get to this point in my life?” Then we take the time to read, explore and think about how we can help ourselves, our lives will change so much. It will not be the most pleasant experience being honest with ourselves all the time but in the end, you’ll be happy.

    • Ocky Williams | November 20th, 2013
      0

      “take the time to read, explore and think about how we can help ourselves, our lives will change so much” Ditto

  4. achris
    achris | November 20th, 2013
    +1

    A few years ago I could definitely say I was #3 that undoubtedly connected to #13. I dated guys who looked the part, were up-and-coming (I was in college/grad school at the time), but were screwed in the head with a large amount of issues that they either couldn’t or wouldn’t deal with (also connecting to some things being screwed in my own head about the type of man I needed). Believing in their “potential” (which I understand to be pretty useless in life now lol), I attempted to show them how wonderful things could be if they just…(fill in the blank). After a while, some growing, and introspection, I realized I was the one with the problem. They were (clearly) perfectly fine with the way they operated (however toxic I thought it to be) and I was the one it didn’t work for. I have now realized you can’t change anyone and its not your place to. If its right for you it will be right for you.

  5. Terry Torro | November 20th, 2013
    0

    Gee, where were you guys 7 years ago lol, I kid. This article is really important and reflective to those who really want to better themselves. There are a few points in this article that I need to work on to be a better partner.

    • Ocky Williams | November 20th, 2013
      0

      Better late than never right? LOL Glad you peeped us out and thanks for your feed back. If you know better you can be better. Good luck man.

  6. bastantealto | November 20th, 2013
    0

    Let’s see. Number 5, definitely number 7, number 12 aaand 15. Never knew I had so many problems.

  7. Dre G | November 20th, 2013
    0

    I constantly try to evaluate myself on all of these fronts.Unfortunately I think lots of people think things like #2 #7 and #14 has to be solved by a relationship instead of by their self

    • Kasule | February 13th, 2014
      +1

      This here. This was going to be my “number 16”: you think a relationship will solve all your other problems. @Dre G got there first. Good call

      • Dre G | February 13th, 2014
        0

        Thanks.I think i wanna retroactively add 4 too

  8. Exhibit REY | November 20th, 2013
    0

    I’m #5 without question (minus visiting gay blogs with the exception of Cypher Avenue of course lol). I’m so used to being a home body but thankfully I’ve somewhat shaked that feeling off and have been more active socially these past few months. This article, for a lot of black gays, is the slap in the face that is much needed to wake them up out of the fantasy world that is the internet and finally face the facts as to why they are REALLY single, not the “I’m single because nobody takes relationships serious anymore” bullshit ass excuse a lot of miserable single people love to use nowadays!

    • SB3000 | November 21st, 2013
      +1

      I wouldn’t exactly call it an excuse..I think there’s some truth to the fact that many young men aren’t open to relationships. Just look at how many ppl are on jackd/grinder/bgc..all of that shit. They take the, ‘if u cant beat em, join em’ approach just for some sort of intimacy/interaction, and the ones who are open just wait for some great guy to fall into their laps..from app land, at that.

      While we all know that many, MANY gay men suffer from multiple issues listed here, the lack of ppl ACTIVELY attempting to date is an issue in itself.

  9. Nick Delmacy | November 21st, 2013
    0

    Reasons You ARE NOT Relationship Material #16: Your name is Nick Delmacy. LOL. #LoveIsForSuckas

    • African King | November 21st, 2013
      0

      LOL. Dang! Nick did someone do you wrong?! Mr. #bachelorforlife

      • Ace of hearts | November 21st, 2013
        +2

        That’s @nick way of saying I want someone don’t be fooled @africanking LOL

        • SB3000 | November 21st, 2013
          0

          Exactly! Im not dealing w @nick and his bullshit today…

  10. Ace of hearts | November 21st, 2013
    0

    I think I fall at 3( Mr. Fix it) and 13( Always dating the wrong men). I feel the two go hand in hand. I think my true problem is something that does not lie on the list, but @ocky tell me what you about “always comparing new lovers to old lovers” being one? I have a tendency to compare everyone I date to what I consider the best relationship of my life and if I can’t bring them up to par then I find the whole relationship a waste. That’s the Mr. Fix it in me. I have to learn that there will be nothing like what I use to have and accept the new person for who they are and they must already meet a certain standard. While I’m writing this I realize there is some 8(No patience) here too. It may be because I’m young but I just feel like I can find what I had and pick up where I left off. I know logically that isn’t true. Great thought provoking article I think you got the brother on here exploring our flaws and things we should work on.

    • Ocky Williams | November 21st, 2013
      0

      First – Not to be in your business but if it was the best relationship of your life why is it over?

      Second – The is nothing wrong with wanting someone else/new that has the same standards, qualifications or some characteristics of the EX but it should stop there.

      • Ace of hearts | November 21st, 2013
        0

        Oh no I’m pretty open about it @ocky. He had to move out of the country and I’m still in school.

  11. American Hustle | November 21st, 2013
    0

    Good look on writing this, I’m seeing my exes fit into a couple of these points. #13 is a BIG one, because dating down isn’t always in a financial setting. That took me YEARS to figure out and not being honest about that can lead to the other points at least for my and my situations.

  12. NextLifetime
    nextlifetime | November 21st, 2013
    +3

    Just read this to a younger gay homie of mine and he really appreciated my doing so. I love the article it makes me look at something’s within myself I need to work on. Please post more articles like this I really enjoy these “self-assessment” type posts.

    • Ocky Williams | November 22nd, 2013
      +1

      Thanks man…you paying it forward especially to those of our younger generation who can use it. Glad you found the article good enough to do so.

  13. blackzw
    blackzw | November 22nd, 2013
    +1

    Keeping it real. That’s the shit! Thanks dude.

  14. Ed | November 22nd, 2013
    0

    Wow great article guys. Good reality check for some folks myself included.

    • Ocky Williams | November 22nd, 2013
      0

      Thank Sir…we aim to please and hope it was eye opening for some.

  15. PH Howard | November 23rd, 2013
    0

    hey guys this is going to be a bit off topic but i don’t know where to post general questions on your website, but is it possible that you guys could create a social network similar to adam4adam but without the sexual component for guys like us to chat and make new friends an connections. because i can’t for the life of me find a gay site that doesn’t pander to sexual stereotypes. i just want to broaden my connection with like minded individuals who are about friendships and love have intellectual conversations about the things that matter.

    • SB3000 | November 23rd, 2013
      0

      They kinda did all ready..u just ‘friend’ ppl on here thru ur activity stream in the upper right corner..u can send private mssgs or group mssgs if u want.

      Word on the street is that @nick designed the whole site. Im impressed.. thats why I all ready bagged him up n took him off the market ;

      • PH Howard | November 23rd, 2013
        0

        i mean something more interactive.

        • PH Howard | November 23rd, 2013
          0

          something where we can post a profile of our self and what we’re about and just chat with members of this site.

          • Ocky Williams | November 23rd, 2013
            0

            We have that. First you have to register and join Cypher Avenue. Second upload your profile pic and provide a short bio about yourself if you like. Third read our rules for posting comments. Fourth, comment all you want. We already have a very active community on the Activity Stream.

    • Nick Delmacy | November 24th, 2013
      +1

      This was a joke, right? You were being ironic, right? This nicca said, “I can’t for the life of me find a gay site that doesn’t pander to sexual stereotypes” on a gay site that doesn’t pander to sexual stereotypes. Jesus, take the wheel.

      • RolandG
        rolandgarros28 | November 24th, 2013
        0

        “Jesus take the wheel”. Since when did the hiphop head Delmacey become hip to Carrie Underwood? LOL. And welcome back. Yo ass been gone too long. We almost got accustomed to you not being here.

        • Nick Delmacy | November 24th, 2013
          0

          LOL Even when I’m away I’m still working behind the scenes on the website. Every day something needs tech maintenance on this bitch, smh.

          • RolandG
            rolandgarros28 | November 24th, 2013
            0

            @Nick, I think I asked @Ocky before, out of curiosity, how much time it takes to create and maintain a site like this and he said that was a Nick question. LOL I was just curious as to how much time you have to spend to keep this site tight and right for our entertainment.

  16. WIMSDC
    WIMSDC | November 23rd, 2013
    0

    Sadly I guess I’m number 4. But its because of my field, you don’t get stability when your working in politics.

    • John | June 12th, 2014
      0

      Where there is a will, there is a way.

  17. J's Destiny | November 23rd, 2013
    0

    I am fall somewhere in the average spectrum of numbers 2,4,6,7,8,10,12,13,14 who should I see to get some help to decrease my numbers???

    • Ocky Williams | November 24th, 2013
      +1

      LOL Do you have medical insurance? Professional therapy is awesome.

      • J's Destiny | November 24th, 2013
        0

        I do and I have been trying to figure out how to make that happen in my near future, because I know I need it.

      • Starjammer | January 25th, 2014
        0

        I’m applied to all 15 and very hard. It’s been an emotional struggle for me because when I get meltdown because something doesn’t go out the way I plan, or something trigger an emotional breakdown, I tend to snap at people around, mainly my friends. I tried professional counseling but the one experience I was only told to walk. And I thought to myself: “Is THAT the answer to my problems.” Sure, walking releases serotonin that helps calm, but that all went away when I got involved with someone. It’s been a struggle for me because I know I have a serious problem but I just don’t know what it is…

        • Ocky Williams | January 25th, 2014
          +1

          Hey Starjammer. You cant have the “i tried it didnt work oh well” attitude after one therapist. Believe me. I tried 4 before I got the one i felt was the right one. Keep trying and please dont give up. Your stability and happiness matters! Good Luck.

          • Starjammer | January 27th, 2014
            0

            Darn, 5 therapists. Do you have a few pointers to find out which one is the right for you? A lot of help is appreciated.

            • Ocky Williams | January 27th, 2014
              0

              You will know. It’s about how you feel about them. If I felt they were crap I never returned to them. For me it was that simple. Also its good to know who you will feel comfortable with all the back…i.e. male, female, etc.

              • Starjammer | January 27th, 2014
                0

                I know i ask a lot about it but… in the process of therapy… no dates, right? heh heh

                • John | June 12th, 2014
                  0

                  If you were shopping for the right trousers, you would shop everywhere to find the right size that fits but yet when it comes to your mind…..you don’t shop around for the right therapist???!!

                  Human beings…. ;-b

  18. Jonah | November 24th, 2013
    +4

    Yo, these kind of articles are really good for the kind of acknowledgement that needs to happen for people to find themselves in satisfying relationships. Speaking as someone who has been practically every person mentioned on this list (and some others who aren’t) and have been able to work through most of the major problems, I can say that it does take A LOT of work and honestly some painful experiences to become self-actualized to the point where being in a relationship is actually a good idea…

    One big point of this whole thing it when it comes dealing with humans (especially the being within), we have to be brave enough to communicate. We need to talk to counselors, talk to ourselves, talk to friends and get to the root of our problems… Communication is THE biggest thing, being able to articulate your problems, your past, your wants, your thoughts and feelings directly…

    Cuz honestly, and anybody that’s in a relationship will tell u… even if you fix 15+ crucial issues that fuck up a relationship, that is not gonna promise a harmonious union… There will still be psycho-emotional shit to work out between you and your partner.. cuz hell… EVERYBODY has issues, continuously…

    • Ocky Williams | November 24th, 2013
      0

      You make some great points

      • Jonah | November 24th, 2013
        +3

        Thanks bro, I appreciate that!

        I also appreciate your advocacy for professional therapy/counseling. That has got to be the healthiest advice to give to anyone, especially those seeking relationship advice. Me and the brotha I was seeing have both benefited from talking to therapists/psychologists/counselors. Though we broke up due to overwhelming stress/depression from a very tragic loss and general bad timing, we have both matured in miraculous ways.

        Recently, we started spending time talking about the things that rocked us when we were together… which has been just as insightful as it was healing. Being able to take ownership for our actions and show each other compassion/understanding on a basic human level allowed us to be honest about EVERYTHING and see how we was fucking shit up… Goes to show what can be accomplished when you’re devoted to you’re psychological/emotional health.

        • Ocky Williams | November 24th, 2013
          +3

          Real, honest grown man shit right there. I will always be an advocate for men seeking professional therapy, because it works.

  19. D.W. | November 24th, 2013
    0

    This is a good article but I don’t understand how so many people know there issues and can pin point exactly what problems they have when it comes to having relationships but are working towards fixing them but want a relationship. Of course it’s no easy fix but I don’t see how people complain they want a relation, know their problem and don’t take the right steps to fix them.

    • John | June 12th, 2014
      0

      What the? That is 99% of society!

  20. SB3000 | November 24th, 2013
    +1

    Its really interesting to read the responses to this post. I commend ev1 for being so honest w us, and themselves.

    I just trip out a lil becus, at 31, and having spent the majority of my 20’s in an uber DL relationship kinda kept me from experiencing most of these issues.

    It’s not exactly the best, healthiest, or most positive way to do things, but having such a different back story, and then coming and reading what some other brothers have gone thru, is very eye opening to the fact of how different everyone’s path is.

  21. Rox808 | November 24th, 2013
    +1

    A majority of these seem to be a small bit of reflection of not just myself but with the men ive dated. some of which don’t acknowledge that they have their faults in some of these. I know im a work in progress myself but I can honestly say that I don’t mind dating a dude with a few dinks on the bumper but I don’t need a man who is fully engulfed in anyone one of these categories. Does that make sense? id rather have a man with a few flaws then be entirely delusional of their own reasoning of anything.

  22. Alexandre | November 25th, 2013
    +3

    Yet another one of the articles here that truly rocks. I’m so glad a site like this exists which speaks to men like me. (And I’m not black and I’m not American!)

    • Ocky Williams | November 25th, 2013
      0

      “I’m not black and I’m not American!”

      …I’m just happy you’re here and you enjoy our site 🙂 Thank you!

  23. questforknowledge
    quest for knowledge | November 27th, 2013
    +1

    Thanks for this article Ocky. This list really helps explain why some of us aren’t successful with our relationships. I find it amusing when I see so many dudes and females who try to have relationships, but continue to cheat on their mate with their side piece. And they insist they are working on being faithful knowing good well they really aren’t trying to change. It’s like come on just admit that you aren’t relationship material! I think some of us are not honest with ourselves especially when it comes to our shortcomings and people wonder why they can’t establish and/or maintain a relationship. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong and when I need to work on some things personally to better myself.

  24. j | December 1st, 2013
    +1

    Appreciate this article to the fullest. I needed to hear this n this post came right on time for me cuz im kinda in a situation where im involved with someone thats a gud dude jus not relationship material. His ego can get the best out of him to admit his weaknesses. Aint trying to b judgmental or be in denial but this article definently gave me insight to understand things better. Appreciate wat yall do for inspiring n motivating to challenge the norm #salute

  25. Garcia Tyner | December 10th, 2013
    0

    Damn…you hit EVERYBODY didn’t you? Every gay man I KNOW has one or more of these issues going on. IS there anybody left?

  26. Lenworth | December 11th, 2013
    0

    Although im sure i’m guilty of ALL OF THEM, the ones that need fine tuning in my life now is 7, 8, and 13. This list nailed it! Work in progress

    • Ocky Williams | December 11th, 2013
      0

      There is no time like the present to start to work on them…but you could make them resolutions for 2014!

  27. Kevin | December 12th, 2013
    0

    Very impressive writing. i found myself in 13 (DAMN), 5 and 14.
    time to do something about it, hopefully he (my future mate) is doing the same thing

    • Ocky Williams | December 12th, 2013
      0

      Ha…knowing is half the battle. Good Luck!

  28. walkdawg
    WalkDawg | December 14th, 2013
    +1

    Props for this article. Very informative.

  29. Gaylebrity | January 23rd, 2014
    +1

    Very good read, but being a Gaylebrity doesn’t mean your just a socialite… There are many layers of the term… What you described was a club head…

    • Jai | January 23rd, 2014
      +1

      I agree. Many gaylebrities are social activists business owners, philanthropists. The description here was a club head.

      But otherwise, I agree completely.

  30. alton
    NYCforEVER | February 14th, 2014
    +1

    I know I’m dumb late on this thread, but definitely for me, I fall into 5 & 7. 5 is definitely (for me) a result of 7; bad relationships, bad experiences with other gay guys in general, which led to severe trust issues, and overall feelings of self-worthlessness which over time led to me becoming “bitter” and anti-social. I’ve managed to “work through” some issues, like self-image (got my ass in the gym), but I also learned that no matter how in shape/ outwardly attractive I may look, if I don’t think I’m attractive nobody else will either (or of they do, they’ll never approach someone with no self-confidence). Both of these issue lead me to actually the reverse of Category 10, I have a non-existent sex life. That’s actually influenced by a few other factors as well, but mainly I just feel like nobody would want to be bothered with me because I’m not “ripped” like a magazine model (which ironically, I’M not even attracted to LOL) Well, that and I don’t subscribe to meaningless sex. So yeah, some sort of counseling is definitely required in my future.

  31. Sansebasdam | June 21st, 2014
    -3

    Well, all these look to me like stereotypes of a relationship based on the heteronormative model. Gay men are way more diverse than this. The article should have been called: Top 15 heteronormative reasons why you are not a boyfriend material.
    I don’t know what the true is, however I know that gay men by essence are to establish relationships that should not necessarily be the same as heterosexual couples. The problem is that if we were to follow those heteronormative standards there are a lot of gay men who would not be relationship material but not because they are unable to be in a relationship, but because of the kind of relationship they are pursuing corresponds to the heteronormative relationship model that we insist in following. We should instead, discover our own ways of describing what a relationship is and live it authentically.

    • alton
      NYCforEVER | June 23rd, 2014
      +1

      Just out of curiosity, @Sansebasdam, what is your general idea/definition of a “Gay” relationship in comparison to a “Hetero-normative” one? I know you specified a broad diversity, but humor me.

      • ControlledXaos | June 25th, 2014
        +1

        I wonder why people who complain about ‘heteronormative’ never really explain what the alternative to that is?

        To me, when people do that, they throw around ‘heteronormative’ like it is a bad thing. What’s wrong with two people being in a committed, monogamous relationship? From my impression, it ends up being that the ‘monogamy’ part is the problem.

        If you want an open relationship where you each go your separate ways sexually but come together (so to speak) emotionally and sexually then great. If you only ‘play with someone else together’…Good for you. If you are poly, that is is perfectly okay as well. But why do people (some gays, bis and polys) have this need to get all butt hurt over those of us who want to have a 1:1 relationship?

        • alton
          NYCforEVER | June 25th, 2014
          +3

          Excluding the other aspects of the initial article and whatever other aspects of “Gay Relationships” that are supposed to be “different” from str8 relationships, it just seems to me that dudes that are incapable of sustaining or committing to only one person for a long period of time, are the ones that spew this rhetoric of…”why are we as gay men striving to adhere to what straight people deem as normal”. No muthafuka, a relationship is a relationship. Whether you’re str8 or gay, a relationship should be between TWO people only. If one (or both) of yous is fukin other dudes behind the other one’s back, you’re a fuckin cheater. If you both wanna fuck otha people and call it an “open” relationship, that’s fine, but you’re not in a relationship. You’re fuck buddys that cuddle and share secrets, that’s all. LOL Dudes be killin’ me sometimes trying to find loopholes to fit their misgivings through and still come out clean on the other side.
          Sorry for the rant, but I’m passionate about this shit. Good dudes like me can’t get a muthafuka for shit, (correction, can’t SEEM to attract dudes that I find attractive/ worth the effort) but a crab ass muthafuka that ain’t about shit can pick them up at ANY given time or place. LOL

          • ControlledXaos | June 25th, 2014
            +1

            ‘fuck buddys that cuddle and share secrets’

            I’m done! DONE! lol

        • SB3000 | June 25th, 2014
          0

          Nuff said!

  32. Insidious_Sid | August 26th, 2015
    0

    As a straight white guy… I’m saying this article is very impressive BECAUSE:

    Aside from #11 and #12 which apply specifically to gay people, every other item on this list can apply to any human being of any sex, gender, or sexual orientation.

    I didn’t even realize this until I got to #11 and realized there was an intended audience.

    So there you go, your straight-white-guy stamp of approval that you didn’t need or ask for. No really, I just enjoyed the article and thought it had substance.

    Peace.




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