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 SHOTS FIRED! Let’s face it, even William Shakespeare had hecklers. Hell I’m sure there were even cave men that critiqued cave art. Criticism of art is probably older than art itself. Having said that, I decided to finally watch all of the scripted web series created by gay people of color and give you readers my REAL opinions. This isn’t personal and I’m not a “Hater.” Okay maybe a little. I only want everyone to excel but that won’t happen if we all tolerate mediocrity and creative sloppiness.

Turns out the process of watching these shows was like shoving a hanger through my nose to pull out my brain. We’ve complained a lot about the state of black gay cinema, so I won’t go into bitching about the lack of action, thriller, fantasy, suspense science fiction or  mystery stories in ANY of the web series.

Instead I’ll recap and critique each web series based on what they presented to the public. Their story, the camera work, the lighting, the audio, the acting and the directing will be analyzed.


WEB SERIES REVIEWED:
 
Freefall
MommazBoi
Steel River
Finding Me: The Series
Street Behavior
 
Let’s be clear: I don’t care how many web views the show has…I don’t care how many YouTube subscribers the show has. I don’t care how many praises the show gets from anonymous commenters. Everyone knows that TV Ratings and Album Sales don’t always reflect the quality of the creative work. And please, let’s leave the “If you think you can do better, then why don’t you make a web series yourself” comments off my website, they will be ignored. That’s not how shit works.
 

Normal people don’t go to a restaurant, decide they don’t like the food and respond by taking out a bank loan to open their own restaurant to “do better.” Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch remember this, this is one man’s opinion. My momma never told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Because its bullshit.

Speaking of Mommas, let’s begin!


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The things I do for this website. The web series Momma’z Boi (yes with a Z for no reason) was a chore to make it through. Bad story, bad audio, bad lighting, bad camera work and bad bad acting to say the least. Okay, call me a hater. I’ll wait. Are we done? Aight, let’s recap some of the episodes shall we?The show opens with a nameless gay boy (he’s obviously gay) coming Out to his older sister (but he’s obviously gay, no need). Wait, that’s supposed to be his mother? Oh, okay…No…but I’ll go with that for the sake of argument. This is supposed to be a dramatic scene between three characters: A closeted homosexual, his sister-mother and a smoke detector. Yes, a low-battery smoke detector makes a riveting cameo all throughout this episode.

The Sister-Mother is upset that her Brother-Son is Gay. Don’t worry, SECONDS LATER she is completely fine with it and begs her Brother-Son for forgiveness. We keep dissolving between cuts (for no reason) until we meet the nameless gay guy’s overly pierced best friend (not sure if the piercings are ever explained, they really should be). They end up making out and have sex, then they pillow talk about other men they’ve wanted to be with sexually. Wait, is this how Gay pillow-talk is done? I’ve been doing it all wrong!

At her job, Sister-Mother has a Gay best friend co-worker (of course she does, this is Gay World!) who looks very familiar. He’s handsome but it’s not clicking where I know him from. DING DING DING! I’ve seen his Dong! He’s a gay porn actor (I can’t bring myself to say Porn Star as I’m not sure what qualifies a person for the title anymore). Wait why is he acting so flamboyant for this role? Oh, that’s how he normally is? But isn’t he kinda “different” in the porn? Okay never mind, moving on. The Sister-Mother works in an office that looks a lot like an apartment bedroom. And Sister-Mother is also maybe Gay?! (of course she is, this is Gay World!) The Gay Best Friend Co-Worker (there will be a lot more of those mentioned later in this list, trust me) pops back up a few more times but his penis keeps upstaging him (his cock is typecast!)

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Okay, I know this series is low budget but can they do a Kickstarter to buy the cameraman a lozenge? Dude, I can hear you clearing your throat in the middle of the scenes. Okay, after one day of sex (and weird pillow-talk) the nameless gay Brother-Son and his pierced best friend are now BOYFRIENDS. Yes. No, they are in a full relationship now. I know this because, although I can’t really hear the scene (the actors whisper and the filmmakers had no external microphone, just a camera mic), I think the Brother-Son is mad at Pierced Boy for having a new little male friend over their apartment. Again, I can’t hear what’s being said so we’ll just go with that. Oh a twist, Brother-Son has now broken up with Pierced Boy and is now dating the new Little Male Friend who also happens to be transgender? And this all happened within minutes of them meeting? Yay! Gay World!

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Wow, us Gay men must go through relationships like condoms (well the ones of us that actually use condoms anyway). Skimming though more episodes we hit a lot of gay checklists: Gay Domestic Violence, Hookups, More Porn actors (I think…hard to tell when they have clothes on) and masturbation scenes (won’t be the last one in this article – Yes, I’m talking to you Freefall).

This show confirmed what Ace Rockwood told us about himself and others: Porn Models should just be seen and not heard.

Look, I understand that they didn’t have the budget to do a lot of things the “right” way, and I understand that they are trying to add creative content to the limited depiction of gays in television/film…but come on. As Patrick-Ian Polk said, I think we should aspire for quality and excellence if we’re going to represent for our community. This series…is not that. Wait am I supposed to lower my expectations because this was made for the web? If so, this is the lowest my expectations can go. Oh wait, keep scrolling below…It gets worse.