Best Posts in Forum: Dating and Relationships

I'm only do raw.....

Did we hookup before?

I hate Cypher Avenue.

 

Aight, I'll go ahead.

I'll skip the dudes that I know are already in relationships like @Ockydub, @Cyrus-Brooks, @ControlledXaos, @BlackguyExecutive, @GaTekno84, etc.



I'll also go ahead and first round eliminate the guys who have made it clear they're not interested in dating mens no more: @Tyroc, @ColumbusGuy, @alton, etc



Having said that, I'll go ahead and nominate:

@JNH412 On top of being handsome, intelligence is sexy and a great relationship trait, he seems to have this in abundance. Whoever he ends up with will have to be just as attractive intellectually fit. He also seems to have an emotional side to him, another trait that can be attractive to a partner.



@questforknowledge An overall nice guy who seems like he would be dedicated to, faithful to and love the shit outta the (masculine) dude who was compatible with him and his limited schedule.



@bpaisle Seems like a chill, cultured guy who would be focused on growing in a partnership with a dude if the compatibility and mutual goals were the same.



@hannibal A great sense of humor is often taken for granted when dating. Being with a dude who's boring as shit versus being with one that can make you laugh is like night and day. Not only is he very funny (he used to be more active and comical on the main site), he's also very talented and driven, traits that can help spice up a growing partnership.




As for the Cut Buddies, I nominate:

@SB3 Yeah he's handsome and seems really cool....but my homegirl told me that "bartenders and personal trainers are the biggest male whores."



@DreG Oh sure, he'd start off as the best of boyfriends...until there's a Teen Titans marathon or something. Then you won't hear from him for days.



@African King I mean, he's young, horny and still doesn't really know what he even likes yet...odds are the first 5 - 10 men he gets with will just be test subjects.



LOL all jokes aside, I could go on and realistically add Squad Members to both categories, even flipping the ones I listed here...Plenty of dope dudes on the site.

 

Let me say it this way... (yes I know everyone is different and doesn't think like me)

Most of the things being described here (outside of torture, killing, imprisonment) most non-heterosexual men of color have to deal with. Its not unique to a region or country.

Paranoia, thoughts of suicide, being condemned to hell, etc. I dealt with most of it when I was growing up. Once I moved away, these things were now for the most part irrelevant because I'm no longer in the environment that had the restrictions on impact.

I know kats in their 40s, 50s and 60s who are still dealing with these issues. Its like they're waiting for their parents or grand parents to die so they can be free.

If you're an adult independent man and your home region is 1000's of miles away, this is absolutely a self imposed problem. The family, church family gets to be happy and live free while you can't because of the fear of their judgements.

So while they're living in their truth you in limbo wishing you could live yours.

 

Sounds like you are more attracted to the man for friendship or companionship than for romance. It happens. That's what the Friend Zone was created for...

 

Just seems like to me that the other guy is showing what type of person he is and what his needs are from the start. Especially his level of excitement. It appears that the feelings and personality types aren't mutual.

Being self employed, I literally work everyday, but if I met a dude who I was really digging and was digging me so much that he wanted hang out every evening or call/text me...That would be cool with me. The key thing is, if I were digging him too.

If I was busy one evening, I would say that. If I wanted a night to chill to myself, I would say that. Not really sure what the problem here is unless the other guy is stalking him or showing up at his door unannounced on a daily basis.

Maybe I've dated so many guys who were on the far opposite end of clingy (getting them to meet up in person or return a text is like pulling teeth) that now I welcome a person showing extreme interest, LOL.

 

I don't think it is offensive.

I think it really boils down to the execution of the ask. I think people who make public declarations like MASC for MASC are kinda pathetic. I think there is a lot of nuance in courting or seeking dates or whatever. The spectrum is pretty big when you think about it. I think these kinds of question only work for those who prescribe to stereotypical gender-roles and gay-archetypes.

I have seen men who on initial observation looked totally masculine and as soon as they opened their mouth or walked the illusion went away. Also, I think the vast majority of gay men are somewhere in between and every single one of us does something that would be considered masculine or feminine. No one is 100% anything.

 

I must have missed this earlier somehow lol I'm been on here all day practically!

Like African King, I my reason for wanting a relationship is mainly to simply experience what that's like for once. I love experiencing new things, people, places..it keeps me going, helps me grow as a human being and everyone needs that. You bring up good points though I will admit, if there's one thing I got from this it was a reminder that relationships aren't easy. But nothing in life worth having ever is, am I correct?

I think the gay community need a lot work as it becomes more socially acceptable, because right now all these bad examples of relationships come from people who quite frankly aren't prepared for a good one. They are broken in so many ways, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, that it's difficult for them to be stable enough to make things last. This problem isn't just in gay relationships and I'm not trying to be Dr.Phil, I just think a lot people do get in relationships for the "wrong" reasons or reasons that don't hold any substance like for appearances or status. No strong foundations.

 

I think this meme is one of those lazy critiques that are often used towards Millennials and younger individuals. My quick snapback to this is if relationships were so easier before we had technology that connects us, multiple layers of communications, more egalitarian emotional appeals and so on, then why did older generations mess so much shit up? My parent's generation chose to divorce and my grandparent's generation stuck with being unhappy until they were too old to be happy.

 

Like with most things in life, everything isn't for everybody. If you don't like marriage, find something that works for you. The only way to do that is be open and explore. Sometimes if your life is mundane and boring, so are your relationships.

 

Not to sound like all simplistic but all these can be easy fixes.

-Whack sex (head game weak, kissing game weak). Talk with him about what you don't like and get to practicing. Maybe he hasn't had that much experience or maybe he has and others did not tell him his head game is wack? You may discover he may not like certain things you do either and you both can work on them together.

-Bad body (soft like a marshmallow and hips like my fourth grade art teacher. This nikka jiggles like he never did a push up in his life). How is your body? I'm sure most if not the majority of black men can benefit from a gym membership. Again this can be discussed and maybe the both of you can come up with a meal / fitness plan together. You don't have to work out together but just issue a fitness challenge that both of you will follow.

-Not confident in himself or his abilities. That's because ni@@as saying his head game it weak. Naw but for real, maybe start suggesting counseling. Does he have medical benefits? I just feel as a man and as a black man, you should be attempting to build the next man up.

-He is cynical towards blacks peoples plights and conditions. He hates them. (he is black himself and from the hood... like the hood, hood. See above. People can change however his sentiments come from somewhere.

-He does not take care of himself (grooming or clothing... he looks like he gets his clothes from the thrift store... hygiene is not an issue) So does Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg...AND? On the real suggest going with him to pick out new clothes at a budget friendly spot like a Marshalls or TJ Maxx then hit up the clearance rack at Macys.

Sounds like everything is fine and you need to step your communication game up.

 

There are very few strict tops in my experience.

 

C'mon Nick...you started it so YOU GO FIRST!!!!

 

Eventho this post isnt reflective of me personally, I had to chime in this once. If u stopped to remove the gay equation, then it might just be for all of the same reasons as our str8 counterparts.

I think many of us, especially those of us who dont wear gay on our sleeves 24/7, just may get to witness some of the great perks we see among the str8s in our lives, who happen to be in relationships.

N these are my peers, who are many years strong. N while I may be more selective about the settings in which I socialize w them these days, the reasoning is def not that i want a mate because Im the only one who doesnt have one. It's because I respect all of the love n care displayed when Im around them, n I want that too.

Thankfully for me, I dont have all of the stories of messy/inconsistent/always looking for a chance to bail at any hurdle/social media photo opp/_____ gay couples to leave a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to whats possible in a relationship.

 

I do not advocate criticizing or shaming anyone for being feminine. However I do think many feminine men want to make it seems like a Masculine guy wanting another Masculine guy is somehow wrong and I just fundamentally disagree with that. I am still trying to figure out what is wrong with a man who is attracted to other men, expect them to walk, talk and act like a man. To me, it is perfectly normal for a man that is attracted to another man to find his masculinity as part of the attraction.

 

Side note: I HATE it when folks say 'Oh, it happens when you not looking for it' and then one decides not to look for it and then its 'You not putting yourself out there, how do you expect to find it?'
BITCH WHAT!?!

 

I wish them much happiness, strength, and longevity because I need something to believe in.

This lifestyle can be very discouraging. It's like even when you do see a couple who have been together for years or even married, they're trying to convince everyone else of their happiness.

 

I know that I want to be in a relationship eventually because I think that it is fundamental to the human experience. No man is an island. I am typically a loner but I am personable. I have been single for 26 years and I don't have a problem with that however, I do want to enter a new chapter in my life by exploring relationships and dating. This has NOTHING to do with the fact that 2016 is around the corner.

I do know (of) couples, str8 or gay/bi/queer, that talk about how relationships are WORK. But just because something is work and both people love one another doesn't mean it is something that should not be pursued. You know the saying, "it is better to have loved, than to have never loved at all"? I believe in that. In life whether we are discussing relationships with a significant other, business deals, family/friend relationships, and so on there are highs and lows. There is joy and there is also pain. Just because there are the bad parts does not mean we should not pursue relationships.

As for the media depictions of relationships, it is unfortunate that on a broad spectrum that it is mostly NEGATIVE. I can only speak for myself in saying that I have met several (masculine) black gay married (or committed) couples that have been together anywhere from 3 years to over 30 years while out here in South Florida. I have many positive representations of what a (black and gay) relationship should look like. I am not worried. Seeing them and learning all the valuable lessons I have gathered from them let's me know that it is possible for not only myself, but for everyone who participates on Cypher Avenue on the regular.

I know I want to be in a relationship because I want a companion that is my best friend, lover and confidant. I want to understand all of the feelings that I've been hearing about in my favorite genre of music for the past 26 years ----- Rhythm & Blues (R&B). I don't want anything to do with social media and all that. I just want that old school love like Lupe Fiasco and Ed Sheeran talked about on that song. You know what I'm sayin'? I want that love that feels like 90s R&B. Can you feel what I'm saying here tho?!

 

Two Supremely Dapper Grooms Star in a Harlem Renaissance Wedding Shoot at the Ritz-Carlton | Washingtonian

 

@African King I guess everyone agrees that virginity for gay men is really only important to the virgin himself. No one views you as more valuable or even really cares that you are a virgin, tbh.

Sometimes I view you like a dude who proudly proclaims that he's never seen a single Star Wars film. I'm like, "oh well, your loss, I've seen it many times and love it." Same applies to sex.

I guess the difference here is also if we were talking about a 16 year old, we'd be singing in unison to "just wait." But we're talking about a 26 year old man who like you say is handsome, intelligent and all that...Not to mention that he's a 26 year old man who has a GAY TWIN BROTHER who is far from being a virgin.

Guys are being nice here because you're a nice dude, but I bet many of them are thinking the same thing, just not saying it: "Just do it already, don't overthink it, enjoy your youth."

As for not wanting a dude who's been with a lot of dudes, you mean to tell me that if you found a fine ass African born, American raised young 30-year-old doctor who clicked with you on EVERY level yet he had an active sex life in his 20s, you would reject him?

I think once you do-the-do, you'll discover that while sex and sexual interactions are great, they are not the end all be all. I'm not suggesting that you become a whore or lower your standards...just to remember that having 1 or 5 or even 20 men on your eventual lifetime list of men you've had sexual experiences with does not make you less respectable, dignified or moral as a person. All it does is make you a human being, just like the rest of us.

 

It's almost like how {a lot of} heterosexuals view homosexuality, they can't understand why two men or two women would be attracted to each other or want to be together. Most fem dudes can't understand why two masculine men (or even two fem men, in some cases) would want to be together. Its an anathema for most of them. smh

 

On second thought, I'd rather just read the comments than listen to these guys babble...I mean, we have an overly "pretty" ATL socialite and a neck & hand tattooed softcore porn actor moaning about the difficulties of dating in ATL.

 

Yall better give @Tyroc his love in here! I see yall. He is 'checked out' (for now) but he's a real old school gentleman. And he has a wife named Anya...

@ControlledXaos is NOT in a relationship, but, he's def a good catch that Atl dudes are sleeping on

@questforknowledge is def a bf type. He's good ppl. He works alot, for now, but VERY soon he'll be ready to make something work w another good guy out here

@DreG is just indifferent. He'd make a great bf if he's convinced the dude is willing to put in his share of the work and not waste his precious virgo time.

@JNH412 word on the street is that a bunch of folks have a crush...

@KritiKal Analysis is def bf material. Smart, funny, got his own.

@African King will one day be a good bf, but that wont be until he's 72, at the rate he's goin...

I decided to stick to what I know.

Also, not for nothing, all of you's like @Ockydub @BlackguyExecutive n @Cyrus-Brooks get honorary daps for already doin it.

 

So are we just assuming that everyone is into being fucked or fucking?

 

I mean if dude looked good and had a great personality
I honestly would at least go on one a date with him.

I understand life happens, bad economy, mistakes, pitfalls, sometimes things just don't go the way u want them to do go. You have to still keep living life.

 

Uh fuck that dude. You did the right thing. I'm almost 25 and I've never had sex without a condom, not that folks haven't tried. You can't trust mofos these days. When it comes to that, everybody has to have a lookout for #1 attitude. I be out here dodging 'em like...

 

The bottom line is its 100% unnatural to be alone. Yes, you can have moments in your life that being single is ideal. But as a human being, no matter what INTIMATE companionship thats more than sex but indeed sex is involved is apart of the human experience. And not even the human experience, Fish often swim in schools, Birds fly in flocks, Lion in prides, Flowers grow with other flowers. etc.

I know that analogy can be reaching, but you get my general point of solitude as being unnatural. Yes friends and family can feed certain needs but know matter what the intimate connection, love, emotions, care, passion, friendliness, laughter, pain, and joy you can experience with a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband is something that can NEVER be filled by friends or family.

So to answer your initial question,

Why do you even want to be in a relationship in the first place?

Because its a fundamental part of the human experience as well as a relationship is something I want that can often be more substantial than a friend or family member in many ways. Unadulterated intimacy mind, body, spirit, soul.

What does “being in a relationship” even mean to you?

It ultimately doesn't mean anything to me in terms of a "badge of honor" or "I was chosen".

Seems like the way that question is asked is a passive aggressive way of insinuating something like that. The quotes and EVEN in the question Nick, really? Yeah.

Its meaning for me would just be more the action of being present, working at it, growth, reliability, and a host of other things I would be committed to doing because this is the dude I love.

 

That is such a trivial matter to me. If it bothers you that much, use their middle name, their last name, their nickname, or just call them an endearing pet name like asshole.

 

Considering how rampant and violent homophobia is in African and Caribbean cultures I would be totally surprised if they weren't "head cases." African American bruthas are crazy enough (myself included). Family and cultural influences shape who we are as people so if every message someone gets from their family and culture about their sexuality is negative and they have to worry about being found out because that would social suicide, or fear for your safety it would be impossible for that not to have a negative effect on one's psyche. I spent years in therapy and on antidepressants and black Americans culture isn't as bad(but bad enough) as Caribbean or African cultures when it comes to homosexuality.
One of my drinking buddies from my days in the military was from the Caribbean he lived in a constant state of dread of his family finding out he's gay. Probably why he drank so much. I couldn't keep up with him and back in the day I could drink like a fish.

 

Getting tested for HIV and STDs should not be this difficult. It should be very important to a person. Any body that's reluctant to do it is mad suspect; huge red flag.

This is emotional manipulation
PLEASE Kick that n#### to the curve NOW!

 

I think straight dudes don't like their girls wearing their clothes, because it's not an even exchange. A straight dude is not gonna throw on his girl's clothes in exchange.

As for me, my dude and I are relatively the same size, but don't have the exact same style. We have definitely exchanged and shared clothes, but there's still a little bit of a separation. We don't have a problem with it. Sometimes if one of us is clothes shopping and we see something that we may only sorta like to wear occasionally, but know that the other is more likely to wear it, we'll be it anyway, cuz it'll be worn regardless.

 

Yeah, I was confused as shit with the article as well. I appreciate you sharing it tho.

When I read these kind of articles, I usually check out within a few sentences once I get what they are trying to say. Im done with dudes wanting to be accepted by everybody. I really don't care about fetishes, if someone likes light skin or dark skin, fem/masculine, etc. Who gives a fvck? They have the right to like and fetishsize who ever they want. I don't care if its coming from their "colonized" mind or what ever.

Get over men not wanting or desiring you because you are not their "look type" and focus on the men that accept you.

 

I'm a firm believer that if two folks are compatible and like each other, age shouldn't be an issue (As long as both are consenting adults).

With that said, I don't think it's a good idea to simply give up on dudes closer to your age. Yes, there are a lot of 20-somethings who ain't about shit, but as mentioned earlier, there are a lot of 30-somethings and 40-somethings who ain't about shit neither. And if you discount younger dudes, you might miss out on something good. I always thought I was a well put together dude for my age. I'm 25, finishing up my Masters in May, got a job lined up following school. Then I met my current dude who is one year younger than me, a doctoral student, and a university lecturer. Some of his students are older than him.

My point being, I think folks should keep an open mind. Know exactly what you want, but don't think that you have to set up an arbitrary age range.

 

I think people like the idea and potential of not being single. People want the good parts but people also don't want to deal with the bad. Because people share everything on social media, notice how you see only the good parts... The beach photos, the club nights, the morning after bed shots... Then when it's bad, it's really bad. So people see the extremes but not the "why you leave your dirty draws on the bathroom flo? Why you don't ever use a coaster? Why did you buy this Xbox game when you haven't even beaten the 8 you already have?"

Small minor things like that can evolve into larger ones over time. People need to understand that small petty stuff like that can be worked on but there's more to a relationship than muscles, sex, and sharing clothes.

I watch Divorce Court and I Lynn Toler usually hits it right on the head with her advice. Everyone could learn a lot about how to deal with people in relationships on that show. One thing she says alot is how many times women spend a lot of time looking for a mate to complete them. People should stop looking for that person to complete them and fill their time with doing things and going places that give them a full life. Eventually you'll find people who are right for you when you do this.

However I also know that men are visual so they want the low body fat dude with the nice clothes, swag, perfect sex organs, college educated, with the six figure job, luxury car, fly condo, who goes into work late on Mondays and gets off early every Friday that they can show off to all of their friends and social media. Good luck finding that and a relationship that's worth a Damn too.