Best Posts in Forum: Dating and Relationships

  1. SB3

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    *Warning: Veers off topic and onto rant-ish*

    I feel like the problem, regardless of sexuality, is the laissez faire approach ppl take when it comes to dating on apps. Swiping left is literally like a handheld game you play to pass time. The entire approach is completely different from in person meetings, for many. While 'Mike' may be swipe #37, and you've decided he 'seems' _____ based on ____, if he were asking you to exchange info at the bar or mall, you'd probably be more receptive. For the gays, combine that with the normalcy of always looking for 'right now', and...smh. Go figure guys are fickle as fuk.

    Point is, when it comes to the 2 options ocky presented, most cant even get to the point of the second one being a realistic option. As I always say, ppl STAY 'red flag hunting'. They're looking for a reason to swipe left and maintain that normalcy of things meeting the low expectations you've set for them. These dudes aren't even thinking about 85%>15%. As we all know, 'there's plenty of fish in the sea'. Only problem is, we act like they're all lined up waiting for us to choose them at our convenience, like we're on 'The Bachelor'. I'm not saying make your only requirement be that the dude has a pulse, but I am saying that too many guys are alrdy 'over' dude because he did/does/says/wears something that has now, unfortunately, come to define him in their books.

    Now, for that small population of rare (some might say mythical) gay men who manage to get to a 3 year mark, the mature ones are more likely to take the 70% and run! While a lot of gay men have these wide eyed ideals of how relationships are supposed to work, anyone 3 years in understands that you have to continually put in that work. Once you've really learned what it means to pick and choose your battles w a mofo, aint nobody trying to go back to swiping left.
     
    #6 SB3, Aug 19, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
  2. OckyDub

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    Nope... they are a case study on how history/culture is ignored in favor of assimilation and indoctrination in Christianity.

    Most of them be super intelligent but the psychological damage is very real.
     
  3. Winston Smith

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    I dapped the original post as I didn't take it as generational shade but an accurate critique of Americans in general across generational, racial, socioeconomic lines. I don't think know the origin of the meme but your generation is no more guilty of f---in things up more so than predecessors. Every generation "messes shit up" lol, there have been no perfect humans ever.
     
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  4. ControlledXaos

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    This guy seems like he is the type of black frat dudes I can't stand. They are totally socially dependent upon being in their frat as if they didn't have friends and lives before joining a frat or afterwards. Like they have no idea how to deal with people other wise when, hell it's likely at least 2 of his line bros were gay or non heterosexual anyway.

    I do have platonic friends who I have not gay handshaked. Bonding is something that has to be worked on and boundaries set up to maintain that. @KritiKal Analysis @SB3 @acessential and I all kicked it in LA this September. It was cool as hell and the best trip I have had in a good minute.
     
  5. Dr. Strange

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    I get what you're saying. But like I said there's only so much vetting you can do. All of this is basically a roll of the dice and hoping for a 7 or 11. But sometimes you get snake eyes.

    Say you do have sex with someone who ended up really just wanting the hook-up. That says more about them than you. You're still you, your intentions were genuine, and you wouldn't have anything to feel bad about.

    Furthermore, even with all the mentorship your IRL friends and people on here can give you, you're still going to have to have your own experiences. Abstaining from an experience simply because it might not be perfect seems a bit erroneous and detrimental to me.
     
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  6. SB3

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    See...

    But nah, I haven't exactly 'kept up' w the goings on of Earthtone as of late, but I was def surprised. Not so much because he's w a white dude, but because this is like the whitest dude ever! That mofos name is Tom! I know his family owns a farm outside of Des Moines.
     
  7. ControlledXaos

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    Stop over thinking it and enjoy his company.

    If Y'all get along and the convo is cool, and there's mutual attraction, just go with it.

    You
    Ain't
    Gotta
    Marry him.
     
  8. NickAuzenneNOLA

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    Marriage is what you make it. If you have a clear idea about what you want your commitment to look like and you make a conscious decision daily to avoid the rut or routine it can last. My parents have been married 32 years, they put their marriage first, didn't allow themselves to become roommates as they say. They still go on dates, went on vacations, even without us, as children and now in retirement they spend a little less than half their time at their vacation home in Mustique enjoying the hell out of each other so it can be done.
     
  9. ControlledXaos

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    Don't get involved in a sexual relationship with a female to procreate.

    There are alternatives for gay men to have kids. There's adoption. If he just wants his genes passed down then surrogacy is an option as well. It'll be less expensive than a wedding and subsequent divorce financially and emotionally.

    You have to live your life for you and not other people.
     
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  10. acessential

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    Nobody is perfect and I think folks always have these unrealistic expectations that a "better" one is out there so they immediately move on to the next dude. Folks should realize that 95% of the things folks complain about can be resolved or at least alleviated. Just talk to each other like adults. If they're really into you, they'll listen. And likewise, you'll listen to them. Think sex needs to improve? Say something. Want more dates? Bring it up. Stop thinking someone is going to come prepackaged and perfect. Relationships should get better with time because you're constantly trying to improve for yourself and each other.
     
  11. SB3

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    I say hold off on wedding plans, and live in the moment. See where it goes.
     
  12. OckyDub

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    I don't wait. If I'm diggin you, imma pick up the phone and call.

    Comparable to the current times/trends...imma text, "are you free to talk", if so...I'm calling you.

    If a dude is feeling you, busy schedule or not, he will make some time to talk to you.

    Trump is a businessman who owns a 100+ building and hotels and still makes time to sleep with porn stars and prostitutes.
     
  13. mojoreece

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    I dont think its offensive. Ppl know what they like and its best to be upfront about it so ur not wasting time.

    Im attracted to men that are more masculine leaning. So its def a question that I would ask. And wouldn't mind if someone ask me that same question.

    The point of dating is to get to know what things a person is attracted to. U can't know that unless u ask people questions.
     
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  14. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    What a dynamic young man. He's not only Gay, but a lesbian, bisexual and trans all at the same time. LOL Hence this is why I encourage and push for the term 'non-heterosexual'.

    Oh so he's just bi-sexual.

    So have many homosexual men but that doesn't make they any less homosexual.

    I can completely understand this POV.

    Do what you feel but from the outside looking in, I would say keep you thoughts, feelings to yourself and keep it moving. Sometimes it seems like every crush or attraction we have it must be acted upon...why? Because we don't want to feel like we missed some opportunity to find our knight in dashiki armor?

    As others have stated here before....not saying I fully agree -but non-heterosexual men from Africa and the Caribbean with religious families or cultures are just too much. Just imagine America's Black community times 8.

    Regardless of religion, country of origin, culture...if the dude you're into is not on the same page with you as it pertains to sexuality and relationships...keep it moving.
     
    #2 OckyDub, Nov 8, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2017
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  15. SB3

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    All of the above! Not trying to hear ANY bs. U either ride for/with me, or u fail...
     
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  16. Dr. Strange

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    I can't say that simply being a virgin makes one a "commodity" per say, all it really says about a person is that they haven't had sex. The reason for it matters the most. I could probably date a virgin, but if they're physical unavailable (completely, not just sex) then I will probably end up being emotionally unavailable.

    Personally, I don't really understand this "I don't want to be a notch on someone's belt" or whatever. The principal works both ways, as it takes two to tango. Furthermore, one becomes a notch regardless. Two people can get together a be significant notches on each others belt but regardless will become a notch.

    If you want to wait till you're in a relationship to have sex then stick with that. But there is only so much vetting one can do to see whether someone is "worthy" or not. And even then it might not work out. It's all chance really.
     
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  17. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    derrick.jpeg

    1. Let this man live. Derrick Gordon came Out while playing basketball in the NCAA over 2 years ago. Since then, he's been ghost. Just been settled in San Francisco living his best life with his older White boyfriend. Yet he still has randoms asking him about dating men of color.

    2. He's already in a relationship, dummy. Why would he entertain questions about dating other men (of any race) when he's seemingly happy with the dude he has now? Why do Black women and Gay Black Men seem so pressed about who someone else is fucking? In every office I've worked in, the Black women and gay Black men are the biggest office-gossips on this subject. Is it because they are lonely themselves and wish the (distant) object of their affection was with someone who kinda looks like them so they will feel they have a slim shot? Even if he only dated Black men, that doesn't mean he would be into you.

    3. He might not be the catch you think he is. Just because Derrick is young, cute, intelligent and has a nice body, that doesn't mean he's perfect. None of us know if, behind closed doors, Derrick is a handful of personality quirks that make dating him difficult. I've had my fair share of head shaking moments while dating men nearly 10 years younger than me, so I can just imagine what his BF may be dealing with. Just speculation, but the point is, we don't know Derrick Gordon on that level. For all we know, him dating white men could be saving brothas a lot of headaches.

    4. Just be happy for him. As much as gay men complain about the dating game, everyone should be happy for anyone successfully throwing up points on the board. If you like Black men, go get yourself one. There are plenty available in Atlanta, D.C., NYC and Dallas/Houston. There are Black gay men all over the place, actually. No need to give a guy dating a non-Black man grief because you can't find what he's already found ages ago.
     
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  18. Nigerian Prince

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    You guys know that I went on a lunch date recently and it was really good. The conversation really got me and I loved looking into his big, beautiful brown eyes and his chocolate sun-kissed skin. He is a very handsome man and he has plenty of amazing qualities. He is very independent, intelligent, career-driven, goal-oriented, personable, funny, nurturing and I could go on and on. Our waitress was late in ordering the food and then after that food was running late but it all did not even matter... we just continued to connect and the conversation was amazing. That's what gets me every time when I meet a man that I am interested in romantically. His conversation. We really got to know each other's backgrounds.

    Any of those living in ATL know that there are a lot of (black gay) men who are beautiful on the outside but they have no substance and their priorities are not in check. But this guy right here... man! I remember when the waitress brought the ticket and I asked her to split the check but he seriously insisted on paying and said don't worry about it. I was shocked like.... DANG! OKAY! I told him he didn't have to do that and he said that it was cool and that he doesn't do that for every guy. Then I remember walking him to his car and he kept insisting to drop me home but I said that would be too much especially since I live south and he lives north in the city. I could not impose THAT much! Then we finally got to his car and we hugged and squeezed each other really tight then that moment came where we pulled away and looked into each other's eyes. I went in for the kiss and enjoyed every bit of those chocolate lips of his! He went his way then I called my Uber since my car is in the shop.

    We agreed to meet again next week once he knows his schedule for work. We text back and forth a bit yesterday evening after our date but today we have not been in communication. How are you guys when you meet someone new that captures your attention? Do you guys reach out first or wait to hear from him? What other advice do you guys have?

    @Nick Delmacy @OckyDub @SB3 @Sean P @DreG @acessential @takeyourmeds91 @NikR @Infinite_loop @ColumbusGuy @ControlledXaos @Michael @lyriq88 @Cyrus-Brooks @RolandG @Jai @Omega Level @Lean Lantern @Artistic Arsonist @Juan-Carlos @Ora Obi
     
  19. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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  20. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    [​IMG]

    I think I lost another gay friend this year, I’m def partially to blame but not 100%…We could def still be cool, but he’s in a different lane now.

    [​IMG]

    It just occurred to me that Ocky Williams is not only one of the gay friends that I’ve known the longest (nearly 9+ years), but we’re also still pretty tight…and never hooked up or messed around with each other like many Gay “friends” do.

    [​IMG]

    I stumbled across this clip from a Tyler Perry Madea play that def struck a nerve.



    Madea Be Dropping Gems On ‘Em Though… :whew:

    Gay friends (and friends in general) are hard to come by, especially ones that don’t secretly want to date or hookup with you.

    I had a really good friend around the time we started Discreet City…he was Bisexual and one of the few ppl that I originally approached to help create it. That was my boy, never hooked up, we used to spend hours on the phone like two chicks, we would share sexcapade stories, dating advice, discuss movies, sports, etc…help each other out with favors and all that (ie Dentist trips, furniture moving, etc). Brother type shit.

    But he was like Madea described in the video, I eventually realized he didn’t wanna be seen with me in public because he was Frat and super closeted.

    [​IMG]

    He was cool with going to dark movie theaters (sitting 2 seats away), but never a club or bar….unless it was with his Frat brothers, not me. At first I didn’t mind because we weren’t dating, not a big deal, we still spent a lot of discreet homeboy time together…

    But then I started to hear more and more stories about all of the nights out with his non-gay friends, yet when I asked to hang out maybe once every 6 months it was like pulling teeth. Yet he was going out with his Frat buddies all the time and then telling me about how homophobic they were to gay waiters and bartenders. He would vent to me about his homophobic Frat Bros for hours…

    Then it hit me:

    [​IMG]

    Eventually I told him I wasn’t interested in being his secret gay best friend, hell I was discreetly homosexual just like him…But it was as if he was ashamed of me, that was a different story. One that I didn’t want to be a character in.

    I guess even though I was masculine and discreet like him, I was more “known” by gay men in the city given that I had been to gay parties and gay clubs. So maybe that spooked him, being “guilty by association” which could get back to his Frat brothers (many of whom were probably gay or bisexual as well).

    After that conversation, that was the last time I heard from him, proving that we probably were never really friends in the first place.

    [​IMG]

    How many of you have REAL gay friends? And I don’t mean just hangout buddies or numbers you’ve collected in your phone and Facebook list…
     
  21. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    [​IMG]
    As a gay man, the older I get, the more afraid I am nobody will want me.

    Honestly, I can’t believe I’m sharing this with you – let alone typing it on my desktop. There’s no easy way to do this I guess but just blurt it out.

    I’m a 35-year old gay man who is terrified of being single forever.

    That may seem like a silly thing to say. But reading it on my desktop now makes it even more real. Honest to God, with each passing day, it feels like my worst fears are coming true.

    I guess what sparked my anxiety is a recent comment a friend from yester-year made to me when we ran into each other at a bar.

    “I can’t believe you’re still single!”

    Has anyone ever told you that? Did it make you feel like crap? I’m sure there was no malice intended behind those words but they cut like a knife just the same. My mind translates it into: Why haven’t you got your s*hit together yet?

    The older I get, the more alone I feel. Whenever I look around, another one of my friends is getting married. And if they aren’t getting hitched, they are at least involved with someone.

    Some are gay and some are straight but all of them have somebody.

    All of them – except for me.

    Can I be honest with you? What really scares the crap out of me is that I’m not getting any younger. When I was in my 20’s, I could attract guys like a magnet. Now-a-days, when a guy looks my way, it’s a rarity.

    Back then, I used to believe it when people would say, “Don’t rush into anything – one day the right guy will come along.”

    I keep wondering when “someday” will arrive.

    Please don’t think I’m whining. I love my life. I have a strong set of friends, a great dog and a wonderful family. And it’s not like I don’t put myself out there. I totally do!

    I’m on OK Cupid, Match, Hornet and even a few of the hook up apps for good measure. I go to gay related charity events and am no stranger to the bars.

    But it just seems like each time I start seeing a guy, it goes nowhere. Oh sure, we might go out on a few dates and have some laughs. But after a while, things fizzle out.

    A lot of the guys I meet are just flakes – looking for “someone better” I guess. It sucks because I’m one of those gays who truly wants to be in a relationship and build something special, like a family, you know?

    [​IMG]

    I don’t think I’m ugly either. I may not turn everyone’s head when I walk into a room but I’m not hideous. Just an average looking gay man who tries to take care of himself.

    Is it just me or does it seem like once you get into your middle 30’s, the pressure to couple up starts mounting. Kind of like a ticking alarm clock that you know will eventually go off and scream: Times up!

    I’ve had boyfriends in the past. Some relationships went on longer than others. Does 2-years count as “long term?” Because that’s my high point.

    I guess my biggest fear now is that nobody is going to want to date an aging gay who has little history of “being” with someone.

    You want honesty right. I’m giving it to you.

    And it’s not like I’m horrible in bed or anything. The guys I’ve been with certainly haven’t complained. Without being graphic, I’m pretty versatile. I recognize that sex is an important part of most relationships.

    But having sex and making love are two different things. I so badly want someone to top me like that give a s*hit, not like I’m some cheap piece of trade.

    I’m tired of hooking up with men who are sexual robots; men who wouldn’t know real passion if it hit them on the head. I want a man who wants love. A man who can be vulnerable. Someone who wants to love back.

    Maybe it’s me. Perhaps my expectations are just messed up. All I require is authenticity and a desire to let someone in. That’s what I try to do when I’ve met other men.

    But it’s not turning out that way.

    All I keep finding are guys who are looking for “the one”. They have it in their mind that it’s got to be a “match” on the first date – period.

    Doesn’t it take more than just one cup of coffee or one meal to get to know somebody?

    In a few weeks it will be my 36th birthday. In gaydom, that doesn’t make me “ancient” but I am creeping towards “older”. What’s sick about it is that in the straight world, 36 is considered young.

    WTF am I going to do if I’m still single at 40? Will other gay men think I’m toxic because I’m still “available”? Deep inside, I kind bet that’s exactly what they’ll think.

    I’m not giving up. Hopefully, I’ll meet someone soon. But the clock is ticking.

    I’m 35, Gay and Terrified I’ll Be Single Forever - Gay Pop Buzz
     
    #1 OckyDub, Sep 28, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
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  22. acessential

    Squad Leader Best Thread Creator The 1000 Daps Club

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    This is an interesting article that's been floating around my timeline.



    Here are my takeaways:

    1) I'm still a firm believer that the only person who can truly make you happy is yourself. You should never go into a relationship expecting the other person to complete you. That's a recipe for disaster and if the relationship ends, you're going to end up devastated because you feel like a part of you is literally missing.

    2) I understand the concept of "touch." But there are services nowadays where you can pay for a cuddle partner. I wonder if that could potentially eliminate some of the frustration single folks have.

    3) I think this article makes a good point about how even though we're a social species, single folks who voice frustrations with being single are automatically labeled "needy" and "not ready" to be in a relationship. You can be completely independent in every facet and still desire to be with someone. The idea that you need to "work on you" is a never ending journey so you'll never be completely "ready" for a partner.

    Thoughts?
     
  23. ControlledXaos

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    [​IMG]


    I read this and thought it was a good baseline for people to look at as they navigate the dating would. I have had a few relationships under my belt and I agree with what the writer says.

    A few things that's stood out to me...

    When someone is willing to do the unfun things. While taking someone to the doctor for an outpatient procedure doesn't mean you're compatible, the willingness to do it does win major points.

    Admitting faults when prior relationships didn't work out. If they know they f-ed up and what they learned about it that's a lesson that you can reap the benefits of.

    Agreeing to disagree and both parties respect the opposing viewpoints. I don't want to feel like I'm on eggshells if we don't see eye to eye. Nor do I want to feel like the disagreement will lead to the end of the relationship. ​

    Green Flags
    Source: The Pervocracy: Green flags.

    Monday, July 16, 2012

    There's a lot of articles out there about "red flags" to watch out for when you're dating someone. My favorite is the discussion of "Darth Vaders" in the comments to this post by Captain Awkward. The concept can certainly be used for victim-blaming--saying "why didn't you spot all the red flags?" is a great way to kick someone when they're down--but it's a good tool for someone facing the dating world.



    A couple years back, I went on a date with a guy, jokingly disagreed with him about some silly thing I don't even remember, and he hit me. Straight-up slapped me on the arm, hard enough to hurt, not hard enough to bruise. He wasn't my boyfriend or anything; this was oursecond date. I yelled "Hey!" and he started laughing and told me it was a joke and it's not like he really hit hit me, and I was probably taking everything so seriously because I was an uptight feminist, but he was willing to forgive me for that so long as I went ahead and laughed with him at this wonderful joke he'd made.



    He called me for a third date and I did not call back. I was closer than I'd like to admit to being sucked into the "it was a joke! horseplay! are you really going to hold that against him?" thing, but then I thought in terms of red flags. Physically striking someone on a date is one of the reddest flags there is. Even though I couldn't quite convince myself that the hitting itself was wrong, I could understand that it was a sign of wrong things coming. I think that understanding saved me a lot of pain.







    But the mere absence of red flags doesn't really say anything good about a person, does it? "I went on a date with the most wonderful guy! I don't think he'll emotionally or physically abuse me! What a catch!"



    So let's talk about green flags. (Um. White flags? ...Cyan flags?) Signs that someone is mature enough for a relationship, that they have a healthy attitude toward relationships, and that they have the potential to be a caring and responsible partner. This isn't about compatibility--maybe they're a lovely person but you like Kirk and they like Picard--but signs that they'll be a good partner to someone.



    Here are a few. I bet there'll be better ones in the comments.

    • They communicate, early and often, about what they're thinking and feeling, and they give you chances to do the same.
    • They introduce you to their friends and want to meet your friends.
    • They have a rich life outside of you. It can be many different things--job, hobby, friends, family--but they havesomething that makes them engaged and energized and has nothing to do with you.
    • They're excited by the things that make you different, not just the things that make you conventionally attractive.
    • They ask you for your opinion and advice as often as they offer theirs.
    • They're willing to do un-fun, un-sexy stuff with you; when you need someone to hold your hand in the ER or take you to the airport at rush hour, they're there for you.
    • When talking about previous relationships that didn't work out, they admit fault and regret.
    • They always ask you before making a decision that affects you, whether it's trivial like "where to sit in the theater" or major like "whether to have sex tonight."
    • They respect your decisions and emotions even when you can't "logically" explain them.
    • You feel safe disagreeing with them, calling them out when they screw up, or telling them you don't want to do something with them.
    • They set boundaries with you sometimes, and they do it in a matter-of-fact, respectful way.
    Your mileage may vary, some bad people will have a few green flags, some good people will be missing a few, all opinions given are only opinions, et cetera. But when you're considering making a new person a major part of your life, I think it's important to think not just about "are there no bad signs?" but about "are there any good signs?"





    P.S. While I was in the middle of writing this post, Captain Awkward put up a post on the exact same subject! Curse you, synchronicity! But if you don't mind reinforcing my terrible case of Blog Envy, I highly recommend you check her post out too.
     
  24. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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  25. Lancer

    Best Thread Creator The 1000 Daps Club

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    Came across this tips(they were numbered and set as 'Rules' but I changed it to 'tips') and it really is a no-brainer and I have experienced/learned a few of them over my actively dating life. Hope it can help those who are navigating this tough and treacherous dating wasteland...Good luck!
    [​IMG]

    We certainly don’t know the secrets to living happily ever after, but we do have some pointers for how to at least properly meet someone. Hint: good manners are always a good idea.


    * If you want to go on a date with him, ask him out
    Welcome to the 21st Century, when straight women are empowered enough to ask men out. That means no one, gay or straight, should wait around to be asked. Perhaps you are shy, and that is a challenge, but everyone is scared of rejection. In fact, is selfish to expect someone else to always take the risk. And telling him, “Here is my number, text me if you want to go out sometime” is so depressingly passive, it does not deserve him giving you a response. Don’t be a wimp.
    * If you take the initiative to ask him out, have a plan of what you want to do

    It was your idea to ask, so you should actually have an idea of a place to go. Asking him to go out, and then following it with the question, “So where do you want to go?” or “When?” is the worst. He may not have been thinking about going out with you, and suddenly placing the responsibility on him to come up with a plan is stressful and rude. If you can’t think of someplace to go, it suggests that perhaps you are, sorry to say, boring.

    * If you offer the vague, non-committal “Let’s go out sometime,” and he agrees, you have three more texting encounters to finally make a suggestion

    Asking someone to get together “sometime,” but never finding the time to do it, means you are always finding other activities you would rather do than go out with him on that date you suggested. So hurry up and make a commitment.


    * If you ask him and he declines, you can certainly try again (and you should, life is short), but it is his turn to ask you
    Perhaps he doesn’t want to, which is a bummer but life goes on. (Remember, rejection is actually a good thing because it means you are racking up the numbers required to find a match.) Or, perhaps your first invitation was casual, so ask a second time with a more specific suggestion. At least you tried. If he wants to pursue any sort of connection—on a date, as friends, whatever—he needs to meet you halfway. Never chase anyone. Sadly, there are people in this world who will keep sending you “What’s up” text messages only because they seek attention more than they seek affection.

    * If you asked him out, he said yes, and you agreed on a day/night of the week, always have a plan set before you go to bed the night before
    Even if it is a quick message of “I get off at work around ____, I will text you then,” that is enough to let him know you remembered, and you respect the fact that he can’t wait around for you all day. And for God’s sake, remember Rule #2. Be a man.

    * If he asks you out and you want to meet, but you already have plans for the time he suggests, then offer another time. Don’t just turn him down.
    Suggest something immediately, during that conversation. “I am busy on Friday. How about Saturday?” Boom. Done. If you aren’t sure of your schedule, of course you have the right to take a day or two to get back to him. But if you turn him down, and then a week or two later you text him, “I’m not busy now!”…good for you. His invitation has expired. You are not living in a Tennessee Williams drama, a southern belle sitting on your porch, sipping tea and welcoming gentlemen callers to woo you into marriage. You made him wait, so take off your hoop skirt: It is your turn to ask.

    * Stop sending countless texts and “smiles” and “woofs” on hookup sites to young, complimenting them simply for being young and beautiful
    Carrie Fisher wisely said, “Youth and beauty are not accomplishments,” and she perfectly summed up the crisis that has engulfed our community’s next generation. In years past, young gay men (and all youth in the LGBT community) suffered without a support system to guide them as they learned how to become adults. When once we treated them with indifference, we now threaten them with overindulgence, as it is so easy to endlessly compliment them for doing nothing other than taking a selfie. Sending a 21-year-old a “smile” on Adam4Adam or a “woof” on Scruff is nothing more than a fleeting thought, an effortless gesture; but those messages add up in their inboxes, and eventually those lovely young men think they somehow deserve the attention provided by the lists of men who apparently think they are special. These boys have learned to view the outside world from the perspective of their identities as sexual objects, and when someone innocently attempts to speak to them as actual adult humans, it is presumably yet another tiresome attempt to have sex. Or, they become offended when they realize it isn’t. Either way, no one wins. Save your compliments for the people, young or old, who you actually know and like. Compliments should be part of an actual conversation.

    *An introductory phone conversation can tell you a lot about him, in just minutes.

    Cell phone technology has ruined the experience of talking on the phone, with garbled voices and never finding a convenient moment for both persons to talk. Endless texting, with the “What’s up” and “What do you like to do for fun” and “What are you into” questions, is no way to get to know a person. Speaking requires you to contribute to the conversation. So talk on the phone at least once, just for a few minutes, before you meet. Schedule a time, turn off your TV, sign out of Facebook, turn on some background music, and chat about your day. If you need something to do while you talk, fold some laundry or something similarly mindless. Then say “Thank you,” make a plan to go on a date (or don’t), and hang up and go on with your life. Meeting for the first time and being confronted with what he really looks like and acts like AND sounds like can be unnecessarily awkward. FYI, simply listening to a texted recording of his voice doesn’t count.

    * Sending a text message in front of someone else is the same as having a secret conversation

    Imagine you are on a date. Someone walks up to your companion, they whisper something to each other, and they don’t tell you what they just talked about. Strange, yes? Texting has become a social necessity, but your date has no idea if you are sending a message of “This guy is so ugly and boring” and you are planning an escape. Or perhaps he thinks you just got a message on Grindr, and you’re texting back that you are on a date but can meet up for sex later. Even if it is an innocent message to your co-worker, isn’t your date important enough to put your phone away and pay attention for an hour? If it isn’t, perhaps you should leave and stop wasting his time. But remember: if you are always looking for something better, nothing will ever be good enough.

    * Whoever asked to go on the date, pays for the date

    Asking a guy to meet you for a cup of coffee may not seem like a big deal but still, buy him his stupid cup of coffee. In a perfect world, with two adults who both have jobs, you would each pay for yourself all the time. But even the most expensive cup of coffee is $6, so show a little panache and thank him for taking the time to meet you in person. If you ask him to an expensive restaurant for dinner, don’t expect him to pay for his half. He may not be able to afford it.
     
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  26. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    [​IMG]

    A popular heterosexual social media personality that I follow, solicited Black homo/bisexual male volunteers to discuss gay dating apps. He wanted to know of experiences when interacting with white or Black men, first dates, any loves lost, racism, etc. I’ve been in a committed relationship for years, so obviously it’s been awhile since I dated. Being that I enjoy most of the commentary and observations on racism from this blogger, I decided this would be my area of focus with our conversation after I replied to his open invitation.

    Over the last couple of years there have been an exhausting abundance of articles, essays and videos across media addressing preferences and racism via gay dating apps. In my opinion, most have the same tone and message, which is ethnic preferences equal racism or bigotry. Many of these writings are told or delivered from the perspective of the rejected or offended gay man. Others are from the viewpoint of observer, preaching to the preference driven bigots or racists on how they need to be more open, change their thinking and update profile messages that have offensive language. I also want to point out that I think many times the usage of the term racist(ism) is misused and bigot(ry) should be instead. Racist basically means one thinks a certain race is superior or inferior, while bigotry is treating another group or race with hatred or intolerance. Being a bigot doesn’t automatically mean one is racists. Institutionalized racism exists along with bigoted and negative perceptions or stereotypes towards people of color. I think it safe to say that gay men who use bigoted or racist language in their online profiles most likely harbor these same sentiments in their offline day-to-day lives.

    Even though I have written before about the No Fats No Fems controversy and discussed the subject in podcasts, I’ve been delayed with discussing the dating app racism topic until now. I realized once I completed my Q&A with the blogger, I basically had written my thoughts and main talking points that could be reformatted into my own essay. The blogger shared with me something that I kind of already knew once I had given him my responses; my views greatly contrast with those from the other Black gay men who he had interviewed on this subject.

    *FYI, I’m will be using the term “gay” even though I’m referencing homosexual and bisexual men.

    The topic of racism via dating apps is only a real issue for two groups of gay men. One group is non-white gay men (men of color) who are exclusively looking to date only white gay men. The other group is white gay men who go out of their way to preach to other white gay men that rejecting non-white gay men for dating, sex, or relationship is racist. This is not an area of huge concern for gay men of color who exclusively or primarily are only seeking other gay men of color.

    A member of Cypher Avenue conducted his own personal survey while using OKcupid. He created two identical profiles, with matching academic qualifications (Master degree), “nerdy” interests in addition to hobbies and activities. He then selected two pictures of very attractive shirtless chiseled men as the profile pictures. The only difference was that one was White, while the other was Black. He then chose the same 25 Black men; one message was sent to each from the White male profile and the other from the Black male profile. None of the Black men he messaged responded to the profile that featured the Black male as the profile picture but all of them responded to the message with the White male as the profile picture. After conversing with these Black men while using the White male profile, he stated that “most of them had a warped idea of the intellect of Black gay men and one even stated that he sets his filters so that he only sees white men.”

    When I have read articles and seen videos featuring Black gay men giving their testimony on how they feel rejected by racist White or Asian gay men on dating apps; there is never mention of why they (these Black gay men) only seek non-Black gay men. While crying racism, somehow they don’t examine themselves and ask why they’re rejecting other Black gay men.

    I’m all for calling out bigoted or racist language that exist in dating app profiles, such as stating, “No Darkies, No Rice (meaning Asians), No South of the Boarder crosser (Latinos/Mexicans), etc.” However; I’m not for policing this type language. If one is on a dating website or app, they’re searching for something from the men that are available. The men who write these types of remarks within their profiles are revealing an honest open door into their true selves. This is a gift in the form of a large warning sign helping the reader to avoid them if they don’t agree with these attitudes.

    I’m almost 40 years old and have been online since 1997 in AOL chat-rooms via dial up. When I became more active online, reading comments to certain articles or news stories, there were plenty of racists or bigoted comments from other users. When I begin gaming online, I found out the gaming community is filled with young and old trolls spewing racist comments. Racism and bigotry takes place all over the world and all over the internet. Why would it not exist on dating apps and online dating sites?

    Let’s pretend that a white gay man didn’t use any racist or bigoted language in his profile but simply stated his preference is only for white men; for some this is still considered problematic. A Black gay’s preference for seeking white, Asian or Latino is ok and not racist but a white gay seeking another white gay is racist…how so? White and Black gay men who produce these anti-racism dating app articles condemning white gay men (who have white only preferences), while wearing their badges of liberalism, progressiveness and equality are eerily silent when it comes to Black men who have a preference for and only date other Black men. Why are they not calling the “Black man seeking Black man” profile racist?

    The double standard message being presented is that the only preference to have is an all-inclusive one, unless it’s “Black man seeking Black man”, then that’s ok. If there is any group that should be against telling another group who they should or shouldn’t sexually interact with, its gay men.

    Let’s put this in a larger perspective. This is not housing discrimination. It’s not police brutality or discrimination within the work place. It’s not homophobic persecution or #BlackLivesMatter. It’s seeking sex or relationships using gay dating apps.

    Not wanting to date or have sex with someone doesn’t inevitably mean the person rejecting the offer, feels they’re better than the person pursuing. If these white gay men need to broaden their dating preferences, maybe these "seeking white only" Black, Asian and Latino gay men need to do as well. If a white man doesn’t want to fuck you or doesn’t want you fucking him, it’s not automatic racism or bigotry. You're not a victim, you're simply not desired.

    Many of these Black gay men who seek only white men will also say that they feel sexually objectified or that some white men see them as only something to experiment with sexually. Or the Asian gay men who only seek white men will profess that they feel they're regulated to the submissive bottom geisha stereotype. I’m sure anybody who is open to interracial coupling, wouldn’t want to be used as some “sexual experimental jump off.” I should point out that many people of a particular ethnicity do have sexual curiosities of those belonging to other ethnicities. Sexual curiosity is a human feature that is not limited to race. The peculiar thing is, are they (gays of color seeking white men) being used for sex or are they allowing themselves to be used for sex because of their thirst for white men? I think a white man at some point during the “getting to know you phase” will say, “I’ve never been with a -fill in the blank ethnicity- man before.” This could be a possible indication that he is viewing the male of color, as a “sexual experimental jump off.”

    In this sometimes overly sensitive politically correct society, there are elements within it pushing the narrative that it’s not acceptable for certain individuals to pursue who they want because their preferences are offensive and others will feel rejected or shamed. Yet these same progressive minds will still profess that “you should be able to love and marry who you want to.” This is the same mindset far right conservative use when they say they want the over-reaching Federal Government out of their private lives but are against a woman’s right to choose and want a federal ban on abortions.

    The vast majority of the human beings on our planet are intra-racially coupled. Why would it or should it be any different for LGBT individuals? Even with some people who are interracially coupled, many times if you look at their dating history, they still may have been with more individuals within their race vs. outside of their race.

    As a Black man I have encountered racism and bigotry countless times in my life. Racism has “rejective” components within it being that people in power can discriminate against, thus reject. I feel and understand the pain it causes. Within the context of dating, I will not feel diminished because some white man on a dating app doesn’t want me; which isn’t any different than a Black man turning down my advances.

    I’ve dealt with rejection throughout my entire dating life as I’m sure most people have; the caveat is that I don’t think people know how to rejoice in their rejections. Rejections are blessings. This is something that I learned and grew into overtime. Dating can be frustrating AND rewarding. Looking back, after all the dating rejections, I was still able to find sex and companionship with people who didn’t reject me. This should be the focus, not the afterthought. I know my stance is on the outside of this popular topic but I’m not gonna cry any tears over these dating racism “victims.”




    Read the whole post here.
     
    #1 OckyDub, Jan 13, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2016
  27. acessential

    Squad Leader Best Thread Creator The 1000 Daps Club

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    I feel like a teenager. There's this dude. We met through a mutual friend in college. I was a junior and he was a senior. We've only met in-person once. Most of our friendship has been virtual because he and I have lived in different parts of the world. He was mostly in Latin America and I was in Asia. Anyway, we've had these looooong deep conversations on Facebook for the past 4 years. He's passionate about the same things I'm passionate about, he cares about the same things I do, and we enjoy doing the same things. I've been crushing on him ever since. He's expressed feelings too, but we've always been hesitant because of the distance. Anyway, today he hits me up and tells me that he's applying for grad school in the same city I attend. And I couldn't help but get excited about the possibility of being in the same city for once. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I don't know how things will change once we're in the same place or if we'll decide if we're better off as just friends, but I can't help but feel excited. I don't think I've felt this excited about a guy in a really long time. I'm over here smiling and giggling and shit. Anyway, I don't know what the point of this is. I just wanted to share my giddiness.

    To make this more interactive, I'll ask, have any of you ever felt this way about a particular guy? What happened? What's your story?
     
  28. SwagJack

    The 100 Daps Club

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  29. alton

    Squad Leader The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

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    Ok so, I'm surprised this thread stretched out as long as it did. LOL @African King - Kudos to you. Now with what I'm bout to say, I don't know if you gonna be cool or come out of a bag on me (you too young for this reference LOL), but oh well. I don't agree totally with your mindset, but I'm absolutely nobody in you life that it matters one way or the other. Also, I'm kinda of an asshole about many things, virginity being one of them. I think I've mentioned on here; my first time was toppin' this Mexican dude I had been chattin on AOL with for a few weeks. My first time bottomin' was for some dude that looked like 90's Damon Wayans. Me and homeboy had also been chattin for a few weeks. In all honestly, I can't remember which "loss of virginity" came first because both instances were really close together, the summer right before I got stationed in Korea ('98). Anyways, long story short, I had also valued my virginity in the years before that, but I came to notice 2 things...1. The only other people that really valued it were dudes that were just trying to dig me out, and 2. the majority of dudes either didn't give a f#$k or, were OVER hearing me say that I was a virgin. Not sayin' that YOU do this, but people people that constantly display the "virgin card" tend to start sounding like people that start every sentence with..."Well, I'm a Christian, so...". Nobody in this day & age really cares. So I say this to say, do you, bro. because in the end only you are going to be the one to truly value your virginity. I honestly just got rid of mine on whim. The guy that I topped fell in love, but I wasn't into it like that. I just wanted to know what it felt like to plow someone. Damon Wayans didn't fall in love with me, nor I with him. We were cool for a minute afterwards but again, I really just wanted to experience bein' a bottom. Some could say I "wasted" my viginity, but dude, at 21yo I was like f@$k it, lets get this s@#t out of the way LOL

    Side note, and totally off topic... which of you (you and your twin) is tayewo and which is kehinde? LOL
     
    #71 alton, Feb 1, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2016
  30. KritiKal Analysis

    KritiKal Analysis "Be the Standard, Not the Substitute..." DMCureton
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    I gotta thank my BFF @SB3 for giving me a shout on this post...I didn't think I would be mentioned at all.

    I will concur with most of his list...

    @SB3 is a very good catch and would be a kool ass bf...you have to be a strong-minded dude who is not afraid of voicing your opinion

    @ControlledXaos is a great guy as well, but he is my best friend so I can't think of him like that.

    @Tyroc would be great bf material. He could wake you up with a weather report or the latest movie listings with that voice of his...

    @Cyrus-Brooks would be the ultimate comforter after a long day or just someone to have great conversation with about ANYthing...

    @Dr. Strange is a very kool guy and would make an excellent bf...he is pretty underrated - he just plays too much (lol)


    Cut Buddies...hmmm...

    @NickAuzenneNOLA , @sekou , @GaTekno84 @JVivtor1 @ruelon
     
  31. Omega Level

    Omega Level DRACARYS
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    Yea I remember I saw this vid for all of 5 min when it came out. I couldn't watch it any longer than that because the main dude (XEM) annoys me for some reason. I think its a combination of his voice/personality and the fact that he reminds me of a TROLL Doll.

    No bueno on anything he does, I'm good.

    1469117905775.jpg
     
  32. Tyroc

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    Too many folks spend time whining and endlessly obsessing about those that don't want them and the reasons why rather than accept it and go find someone that does.
    There are plenty of masculine dudes that like femme dudes, it's just encombent upon them to find them if that's what they really want but I guess it's easier to sit around and lament about dudes for not falling down to worship at their heavily made up altar instead of putting in the time and effort.
     
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  33. takeyourmeds91

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    Yessir!

    Addressing the convo:

    I was being overly facetious in a way but it was rooted in some truth. My distrust doesn't stem from what they look like. It stems from how they have treated others as a group worldwide. They're the reason why people of color have historically had a low self-worth world-wide going as far as to bleach their skin and deny their heritage. They're the reason why minority groups feel there is a tier system among each other with Black folks always being at the bottom of the totem pole and whiteness the standard. Even more simply, they're reason why a white supremacist is in office. The list is endless.

    If you found love in a white man or woman, I'm not going to take that from you and would genuinely be happy for "love." It's just not my cup of unsweetened tea.


    @Lancer And emphatically saying "black men ain't shit" only further perpetuates our lack of love for the black man.
     
  34. acessential

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    That's a false equivalency. I have no sympathy for white people. Culturally and on the world stage, they are considered the epitome of beauty. If a couple of black folks say they don't want to worship white dick and cooch, there will be plenty of other white folk worshippers of all ethnicities to pick up the slack.
     
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  35. madmoral

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    24. And he's still here for some reason lol. We even got a damn dog.
     
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