DL Hate, or Masculine Bashing?

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by over-it, May 7, 2018.

  1. over-it

    over-it Only the REAL

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    Bros,
    I need your input. I saw this vid today and it kind of pissed me off. This YT famous blogger/vlogger posted the attached video today expressing his disdain with "DL" men. I don't have a problem with that premise. But I do have an issue with how he tried to lump masculine men into the argument and he seemingly made an attempt to associate all of his frustrations with "men who are trying to butch it up" in his opinion. I do understand what he's saying about masculine privilege, but why hate someone because they don't act like you or how you feel they should act. Masculine men typically don't try to force masculinity upon feminine men, so why do some feminine men feel the need to make masculine men less masculine? I need my bros' input.
     
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  2. OckyDub

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    Your POV sums it up for me.
    While I agree and understand having a personal preference for not dating a DL dude, this video is basically "masculine non-heterosexual men = cowards; fem queer men = brave and empowered".
     
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  3. ControlledXaos

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    I hear what he's saying but I don't appreciate him lumping all masculine guys who don't want to be called "girl" "sis" "sis" "biiiiitch" into the hyper masculine label.

    Gay gatekeepers and influencers like this make guys who don't get into the lingo feel like there's no place for them to just be regular dudes who are "just" gay.

    However I can agree that the guys who allow themselves to be sexed and not seen are their own problem. They want masculine dudes more than they want to be respected. AND when they get disrespect or step outside of whatever terms they agreed on, want to "queen out" and act a fool down to the job, barbershop, mama house because they are in their feelings and don't want to be ignored. Just like women do.

    Yeah at the end masculine or feminine, we are all gay or at least not heterosexual so we're viewed as the same. I have said that for years. However you can't get mad at the masculine dude who doesn't remind people he's gay every 5 minutes. Some people just don't want to bring extra attention to themselves and they are masculine, gay, and out.

    Clearly at 34 he's aware of this slice of the gay population but he neglected to mention that. Ironic.
     
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  4. Omega Level

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    What he is saying just reminds me of this clip.... Get over yourself. A lot of those dudes he talking about probably dont give a fuck about him being gay and are very confidant in themselves...
    They just dont like irritating minstrel gays. :rudy:

     
  5. takeyourmeds91

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    *Disclaimer and Context* I am a masculine man and I actually follow his content. For those who aren't familiar, he does not make videos like these much at all so for him to be speaking on this means a little something in my opinion. I don't think he blanketed anything. He actually spoke on very specific cases in the masculine gay spectrum and made concessions for the portion of gay men who are closeted out of fear; doesn't mean he has to want to be around them.

    1. I try to avoid DL/keep-up-appearance type gay men because he's right, they do make you feel like you're back in the closet. While I'm not super-out, I've still developed a certain level of comfort within my skin so I don't mind if people suspect I might be gay. In the end, it's frustrating and not fair to me which is why I push myself to tough it out if I'm ever out with a group of more feminine-leaning men. I chose to put myself in that space so I shouldn't be punishing others for my discomfort. No one should have be around conditional ass people.

    2. I understand and agree with where he's coming from in terms of the hypermasculine gay dude. Thing is, how can you sit around a group of more feminine-leaning gay men who are "spilling tea/keke'ing" and you all in it too but as soon as someone calls you something out of habit that is particular to that group, you get mad? They're not calling you girl, sis, etc bc they think you one of the girls, it's just habit. It's like when dudes refer to women as "bro" etc, etc. This is a case of fragile masculinity. Also, if you've never gone to bat for the gay struggle in any setting as a masculine man who enjoys both sides of society, that's a problem.

    3. Brings me to my next point in terms of not sharing the struggle - it's true. Where would these masculine-leaning, closeted men have to go if the more open folks didn't create that space? What do the masculine-leaning men contribute to the struggle/conversation if they are in the closet/DL? The answer is nothing yet they still enjoy the safe havens.

    Coming from an honest place, all of these figures are problematic. Try to listen to his words for what they are instead of who they're coming from.
     
  6. over-it

    over-it Only the REAL

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    I hear you bro: I really do. I disagree with you on the point that he was speaking just on a specific case. He totally blanketed his argument and lumped all masculine men into either the DL or hyper-masculine category. I hate it when feminine men create this false narrative that feminine and out men are "better" than masculine and closeted men because they're are easily identifiable and fearless. I think they feel like if they don't confuse the str8s in regards to who they are, then the str8s will be more comfortable in the choices they make when engaging with them. Feminine men can't mask their "gayness", so in my opinion they've created a space to reconcile with society's judgment of their easily identifiable lifestyle. And for more weighted buy in from the str8s, feminine men often seek approval from women in regards to their belief that masculine men are DL, evil, disease spreaders, liars, deceitful, etc.

    Fear is not the only reason masculine gay men don't come out. Everyone doesn't need to know your sexual preference. We've given ourselves a false sense of entitlement to think that people are supposed to share their sexual desires, wants, and needs with us. We need to stop policing people's mannerisms in gay black culture. Every gay man does no kiki and listen to Beyoncé! How many times do we have to say it? We are not a monolith and never will be. Masculine gay men should not be vilified!
     
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  7. takeyourmeds91

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    But that's why I say go back and listen bc he doesn't lump all masculine gay men into either or but he does discuss those two characters in isolation.

    For DL men, while he doesn't agree, he makes concessions for those men who are closeted out of fear and acknowledges everyone's journey is different thereby not making one group superior to another. At the same time, he's rightfully calling out those dudes who will live their lives in the gay world but then ignore your presence if around straight folks. Or do all this weird shit in public because they think other people around them think they're gay. That shit is played.

    In terms of hypermasculinity, never once did he say nor paint the picture that all gay men need to have the same interests but rather he calls out the gay masculine dudes who regularly engage with the men who "kiki and listen to Beyonce" yet still want to keep those same dudes are arms length when it's convenient.

    Finally, you're right. Everyone doesn't need to know your sexuality but if you're joining in on the "bad bitches" discussion in the barbershop knowing that you're gay af then that's being deceitful and these are also the type of dudes he's calling out. It's one thing to not engage the conversation but to go in the opposite direction to completely mask your sexuality is wrong in my opinion. Also, like I've said before, if you've never stood up for the cause in whatever space (not saying you have to be the martyr every time) but you still enjoy the fruits of the labor (ie. safe spaces) then you're leeching, plain and simple.

    Again, he never said all masculine gay men act like X - what he did do was discuss unique characters of the spectrum of gay masculinity.

    The reason why I understand the discussion is because I've been anyone of these guys and I've also been on the receiving end from these same types.

    Shit, even at the end of the video, he calls out the feminine gay dudes. Nobody was safe in this video. We gotta stop jumping to conclusions based on who's delivering the message.
     
    #7 takeyourmeds91, May 9, 2018
    Last edited: May 9, 2018
  8. OckyDub

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  9. ControlledXaos

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    I only saw it once and I'm at work right now and can't really go back and relisten at the moment but I recall him saying he was talking about "friends"and "people" so I am guessing that there's a small population that wants to be Kiki and talk about Beyoncé and dem while maintaining their masc privilege card. I'm all for pop culture talk too but I'm not going to be "Rih Rih ssssuuhhhlaaaayyyed da kids " or "I read miss Keith for filth hunny"

    From what recall it sounds like we can't be masc and gay and "just be " because we still have to conform to what the Gay Gatekeepers deem as gay culture. My whole family knows I'm gay I couldn't give two shits about what other people think but I also don't walk around making everything about my life centering around being gay. Or doing things "for the cause "when honestly I don't really feel like my type of being gay is welcomed among that group anyway If there's counter cultures to gay, I'm definitely on one of those groups.
     
  10. OckyDub

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    ....again...
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  11. Winston Smith

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    Peele’s character at the end is so me. I respect evryone’s personality, that’s what makes the world interesting, masc or not, but whether fem or masc, maturity and decorum are always a premium.
     
  12. BlackguyExecutive

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    I understand not wanting to associate with men in the closet or on the DL. That is fine and dandy. What don't I understand about this rant in the point? It comes off as whiny and bitter. Someone needs to ask him who hurt him because he seems scorned.

    [​IMG]
     
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  13. SB3

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    This reminded me of a time I was out w a few former coworkers at a gay bar. It was dead, but 1 knew a cpl of the drag queens, so we sat around n drank. They assumed i was a str8 coworker (it was a mixed group) there w the crew just to booze, and when I said I too was gay, all of the 'girl' and 'sis' came out like the wind. I ended up getting into it w a drag queen about the fact that I don't subscribe to that, and it created tension.

    My point is, why can't I NOT prefer female pronouns? I get that in his world, it's just lingo, but why can't i stand for the fact that I happen to like peen, and dislike being called girl, simultaneously?

    How are u fighting to be accepted for who you are, but u can't accept the fact that gays aren't a monolith?!
     
  14. takeyourmeds91

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    *throws up hands* Ahh well lmao
     
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  15. BlackguyExecutive

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    I just want to point out one thing about the title of this thread "Masculine Bashing" the word bashing has an inherent violent connotation that I think it is grossly being misused. There is a very real problem with DL and other non-hetero men who resort to violence and quite literally bash other men who they have engaged in relations when they are caught in an effort to hide their own behavior. I understand that the word bashing is being used for inference here but we live in an age where words matter.

    Therefore, I don't think this video represents masculine bashing, it represents masculine belittlement. Sorry for going all linguistic on this thread but I think it is important to recognize that no one is really being bashed here but the circumstance of gay bashing is real even within the non-hetero community.

    :lupe1:
     
  16. mojoreece

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  17. takeyourmeds91

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    I recognize my bias so forced myself to view it objectively - to me it wasn't as "bashy" as folks are trying to make it out to be lol

    I wonder how it wouldve been received if a masculine gay dude said the same thing
     
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  18. takeyourmeds91

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    sorry bro - i did read your comment, i was just trying to stay in context one last time lol
     
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  19. mojoreece

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    Yeah i Think because the "funky dineva" factor. I think what ppl have to dissociate his "character" w/ what he is trying to say (i know its hard lol) He prob use to be that masculine acting dude until he became more comfortable with his sexuality. He even pledged Alpha and everything in college lol.

    Yeah I think if it came from more of a masculine person ppl could see what he was talking about. The diva-ness tends to throw ppl off.
     
  20. takeyourmeds91

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    Exactly! You get me bro hahaha. I think the reason I understood what he was saying was because of exactly what you said in terms having been that guy at one point but i've become more comfortsble
     
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  21. SB3

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    Nah. The problem lays in his whole 'we're all punks and sissies anyway' mindset. You call yourself whatever you want. But just because you've accepted some term that's been hurled at you all of your life, and decided to make light of it, doesn't mean you get to make me out to be some kind of masculine elitist just because Im not subscribing.
     
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  22. OckyDub

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    THANK YOU!
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  23. takeyourmeds91

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    nvm lol
     
    #23 takeyourmeds91, May 13, 2018
    Last edited: May 13, 2018
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  24. mojoreece

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  25. takeyourmeds91

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  26. OckyDub

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    ....think about this...

    Do you think a DL / closeted masculine dude would be any where near him or any of his group of sisters?

    I don't disagree with not dating DL / closeted dudes but I just don't find his testimony fully believable. He has been in the game for a long time and is not a naive teenager or twenty-something. So he is just now deciding "I'm done with DL men"?

    [​IMG]
     
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  27. takeyourmeds91

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    Okay so look, he's really only talking about three different types of masculine gay men:

    1) The "closeted gay man #1" - will keke with the best of em in private but as soon as yall step in public, he does odd shit to project to the public that he is not gay in any way, shape, or form. He also doesn't want to be associated with you in public so he'll pretend he left something in the car so he can walk into an establishment after you do. He'll also try to queue you to be more masculine in public.

    2) "Closeted gay man #2" - will hit all the gay clubs, and fuck with you on the late night but won't acknowledge your presence in the barbershop and will even leave the barbershop due to his discomfort. These are the type that don't really have your back and should not be considered friends.

    3) Hypermasculine gay dudes - "straight-acting dude that you see at all the gay functions that won't allow you call them bitch or girl but will sit back in a bitch or girl conversation and will eat up the keke and slap five"; this is the same dude that likes to take dick but will vehemently deny this fact in public even if he wasn't directly addressed.

    By no means do these three encompass the whole spectrum of masculinity in the gay world. I know it might sound like the same foul on the play that is typical of some feminine-leaning gay men but this actually is a more nuanced conversation. It's being lost on some of yall simply because of who is delivering the message. Some folks are picking and choosing his words and using them to paint a different narrative than what he gave.

    I can't speak to whether or not his stories are true but that's a rabbit hole in itself - the fact is that these things actually do happen and I know they do because frankly I've been each one of those dudes in my journey and it's fucked up.

    Ironically, this thread sounds like the discussion we've had about how some black women do a lot of victim-playing and don't actually listen to what's being said. I think the reason why I (insanely lol) keep responding to this thread is to exemplify a bigger issue. With our society becoming increasingly at odds within particular intersections, it's necessary that we learn to listen and acknowledge when some shit really is fucked up. Doesn't mean you need to personally take ownership for it if that's not you but then again, if you feel as if the message was addressed to you then you have some shit to figure out lmao
     
    #27 takeyourmeds91, May 14, 2018
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
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  28. Nick Delmacy

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    I didn't read the entire thread but I will say this: In the past, both @OckyDub and myself have been guilty of generalizing feminine men in our commentary and podcasts. We were corrected on this, particularly by fem men who enjoyed our site/discussions yet also felt like they didn't relate to "queer culture" as well.

    This made me realize that my beefs were not with effeminate men, but actually with the monolithic view of what being a gay male was: A sassy fem diva worshiper who spewed shade and gay slang and constantly made sexual innuendos. Basically ppl like Funky Dineva. They say to "live in your truth" but only if that "truth" fits into their definition of being gay. As others have mentioned, being masculine is NOT rejecting being gay or "straight acting."

    FD may not have specifically said this in this video but he has def said something like this in the past. And many of the other "queer" bloggers have as well. They say they're offended when masculine men call or imply that they are women, but they call each other "girl" "sis" and "queens" all day long...I'm not sure you can have it both ways. I'm a man, love being a man and identifying as a man...to call me otherwise is fighting words, even if you are also gay.
     
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  29. Nick Delmacy

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    See this is the kinda stuff I HATE. Many people think being more comfortable with your gay sexuality means becoming more feminine. This is probably not what you meant in general @mojoreece but I see this ALL the time in gay communities in person and places online. Gay means fem, if you aren't embracing that you are ashamed or hiding.

    When filmmakers show a kid that might be gay, they show him secretly wearing his Mother's clothes or jewelry. They don't show him playing ball with his friends and his eyes lingering a little longer on the other boys. No, that would be too subtle and it doesn't fit into the narrative of "being gay." But its a reality. Its MY reality. I'm totally comfortable with my homosexuality and my masculinity. Even though I don't broadcast being gay to the public, neither do a lot of straight people. I've had two big client jobs this year, working at their offices. Not once can I think of a time when the employees there flaunted their heterosexuality. Not saying that it doesn't happen, but when it doesn't I don't accuse them of "hiding" their sexuality or being ashamed of being straight.
     
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  30. OckyDub

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  31. over-it

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    This is the point I wanted someone to extrapolate. To me, FD implied that masculine men are afraid to be "comfortable" aka "themselves" aka "feminine". Some feminine men tend to think that all gay men naturally lean towards feminine behavior, and any behavior opposed to that idea is fraudulent and represents fear. I totally get that FD was speaking about specific instances with specific men, but he didn't post that video to address just them. He appeared to have a broader issue with men who seemed to have the ability to vacillate between masculine and feminine behavior. I guess he feels that it's not right for them to switch it up. But whatever happened to live and let live. Also, consider this, I seen many videos of Trans Women speaking in their womanly tone and then dropping down to their manly tone. Apparently the ability to vacillate in that way is possessed by both masculine and feminine men.
     
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  32. Nick Delmacy

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    Trust and believe that this video (and possibly all rants on this topic) stems from fem men wanting masculine men but get rejected by them for being effeminate.

    Like I said, I have no issues w fem men. My issues from Day One of this website is that the representation for ALL types of gay men is not equally propagated. I get the argument that "masculine men aren't as visible as fem men in public" but when our own community creates websites, stories or films about being gay its ALWAYS from the fem perspective...and masculine depicted in those perspectives are shown as DL or merely as objects of sexual fantasy (ie: Any film by Patrik Ian Polk).
     
    over-it, OckyDub, Dante and 1 other person dapped this.
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