Stereotypical Fear of Commitment

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by acessential, Aug 21, 2016.

  1. acessential

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    I was talking to a straight friend of mine. They've been with their significant other for about a year and they've been living together for about 4 months. They both appear to be voluntarily and adamantly monogamous and are in the stereotypical "lovey dovey" phase of the relationship. The topic of next steps came up and I was told that they were both really scared of commitment, let alone marriage. Now I understand that you definitely don't need marriage to show your commitment to someone. And I also believe a legal contract shouldn't necessarily be the end goal for a relationship. But I've noticed a trend that fear of commitment is often the reason folks refuse to get married or stay in relationships. If you're not willing to commit to someone, why would you even be with them?

    What does fear of commitment even mean? Do you have a fear of commitment? Why? Is it because you're looking for something better? Do you only want the "new relationship high" and then get bored afterwards? Or is it a different reason entirely? Trying to wrap my mind around it.
     
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  2. Nick Delmacy

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    I don't fear commitment however I do fear wasting my time, which ends up making me subconsciously sabotaging budding relationships. Ironically, I've met/dated a few lovey-dovey, chick flick loving, so-called relationship oriented men who were feared commitment. They even said they would never marry a man.

    An explanation that you may not have considered is that these men have internal gay issues that make it hard for them to really imagine having a relationship or long-term future with another man. They still internally view a "family" as a man and a woman, not a man and a man.

    Its easier for them to see their relationship as two buddies with benefits who live in separate homes.
     
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  3. ColumbusGuy

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    I think people may come up with all kinds of excuses, but I don't like commitment and I don't like change, I will admit it. I did not seek out commitment, it just sort of happened organically and was haphazard anyway not like the situation you described. Fear plays too much of a defining role in what motivates me at times, and that includes commitment-or even wanting to be 'out there' again. I will also admit I will be on here and think, "Why am I not talking with my local friends or doing A,B,C with X,Y,Z more?" - Probably because X and Y and Z could drag me into something I may be afraid of being involved in. Like starting to 'like' someone-someone who is right around me.

    Maybe a year is not long enough for them to go further right now? They moved in together after 8 months and have only been living together 4 months. Why would they want to change anything right now?

    Maybe they will feel differently in another 6 months or a year?

    And aren't they committed somewhat right now? They are in a monogamous relationship(commitment) they are living together and trusting eachother enough to do that(another commitment). Maybe people put too much emphasis on the 'ceremony' of commitment. They are committed to eachother, they just don't have a legal document-which while a legal commitment does not even have to involve much of an emotional commitment. There really do not have to be any next steps, except for maybe some legal things involving wills, power of attorney, etc., do there? Is getting married going to magically change the relationship and make it 'another level' and change the dynamic somehow or will the relationship just continue as is either way and just change slowly or evolve naturally as they and their circumstances change?
     
  4. ColumbusGuy

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    You should make a thread about how not to waste time...'Ten ways how not to waste time' or something like that-I am terrible at frittering away my time(I am doing it now) lol. (notice I did not say 'wasting my time' when talking about Cypher Avenue)..and I won't make a snarky remark about it..promise!
     
  5. Winston Smith

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    I don't necessarily think it's fear of commitment, as much as people realizing they have options...LOTS of options outside of traditional and narrow definitions of commitment. This is especially true for young hetero women who realize they don't have to subscribe to the Hillary Clinton school of feminism (i.e. I might have a degree and career but still have to marry a creep just to keep up appearances).

    Commitment takes many levels. Most of my relationships are FWB and I'm cool that. There are friends of mine that are coupled but open to play with others. Because I understand biology and history, I have no problems with polygamy and polyandry either, though I know there are these post-DOMA "Modern Family" gays that are as shocked (SHOCKED!) at the idea as any conservative, Trump-toting Baptist hetero couple.

    One reason relationships might be such a disaster is that in recent decades people have shoveled so much Hollywood romance crap into commitments and relationships. On the straight side, people understood marriage was for more than romance and those couples stayed together longer than the "we're just in it for love" types. On the gay side, the amount of creative arrangements in the face of societal hostility also incorporated relationship aspects other than romance.
     
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  6. ColumbusGuy

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    It may be partially a generational thing. My parents have been married 60 years this past June. Both of my brothers have passed the 25 year mark of marriage. I hardly knew anyone growing up that had divorced(or single) parents. I never understood these people who would hook up, be in a relationship, move in, then break up and be apart..all within a month. I have needed something more grounded than that. That kind of drifting is alien to me. I enjoyed(as in past tense) traveling and did so at a very young age(maybe I just got it out of my system?) but I have only lived three places in my whole life-where I grew up, the household I had with my partner(and after his death), and where I live now. If you are going to commit, then commit and mean it. If not, then don't bother. I have had pretty much 15 years of 'don't bother' right now....and counting.

    It would be interesting to see the take that younger people have on this topic.
     
  7. BlackguyExecutive

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    I think a lot of this has to do with FOMO, Fear of Missing Out. I am just about to come up on my first marriage anniversary in October and I have reflected on it a lot lately. Me and my gent were together for five years before getting married and we got married not because we felt a strong urge to enter the institution but for practical reasons it made things much easier, with respect to my job and ensuring that my gent would be fully protected.

    My best friend married us, she is a humanitarian who works in crazy parts of the world and she has been with her boyfriend for 10 years and they have no desire to get married. (At this point) In fact, she is the last one in my circle of college friends to get married. I don't think it is a commitment issue, I think they don't see why they need to enter the institution just yet. Although I tell her all the time, she travels to dangerous places, her boyfriend would have more power as her husband if shit went south. I don't know where I was going with this but I will say this, being married feels a little bit different, we fight differently, we negotiate differently because there is a sense of permanence in our commitment to each other. Being in the institution of marriage this first year has been profoundly good.
     
  8. Sean P

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    Ditto! In my prime gay dating years (early 30s to early 40s), I spent far too much time and energy on guys who, for a variety of reasons, weren't relationship material. I wasn't one to shy away from a "project" (most of the dudes appeared to have themselves together until they felt I was invested in them and then they could let the crazy/immaturity begin to show). I finally decided that while a successful relationship requires compromises on both sides, core principles should never be a casualty of those compromises. To a significant degree, each partner in a relationship should complement the other partner's skill set.
     
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  9. ColumbusGuy

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    It sounds like maybe they were not relationship material-for you. And I am always leery when guys talk about other guys as 'projects'-that is dooming any relationship from the start. Nobody wants to be made to feel like they are 'lesser than' as they are and are a 'fixer upper' at best. They will rebel with antipathy towards that, resent it, and make your worst fears of them become a reality. I would run from someone who felt I needed 'fixing' as if I am some damaged or incomplete thing that otherwise would be sent to the island of broken or misfit toys.

    I also am repelled by people who look at intimate personal relationships with others..the most personal and intimate of relationships...as similar to business projects or deals., with things worked out on some spreadsheet or Word Presentation. I would run from that too. There is little that is more dehumanizing than being the recipient of the attention of a 'fixer upper'-especially the ones who only want to fix or change the things they feel need changing without the slightest bit of input from the unfortunate changee. The most core principle is to be yourself and to do the best you can loving yourself as yourself, and working on what you feel you need to work on at your pace. Being with a 'fixer upper' can be soul and spirit crushing when it comes to that prime core principle. JMHO.

    *yes this post struck a nerve and I am not trying to spew venom at you, but it brings up the bitter taste of having been the one thought in need of 'fixing'.
     
  10. Sean P

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    @ColumbusGuy - You're implying a whole lot in "your humble opinion" that in no way formed the basis of my post. I have never been and am not interested in trying to fix other people. I don't have the time nor the energy for that. I do, however, expect a grown man to be mature enough to take care of his basic needs in life. Sadly, that can be a tall order.

    I don't need to compromise basic life principles to work with others who struggle to exhibit their best self in good times let alone in times of trouble. While people are free to be themselves, which I encourage, I can make an informed decision about whether I want to be a guest at their party.
     
    #10 Sean P, Aug 22, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2016
  11. Tyroc

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    I think a lot of folks internally see getting and staying in a long term committed marriage as far back as we know from historical figures to direct family has rarely resulted in true happiness and in today's age people find they can choose to not stay in an unhappy union.
     
  12. ColumbusGuy

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    I took a lot from that post and expanded on it in a general way-that is why I said I was not 'spewing venom' at you. I probably should have emphasized that more. That was not an indictment of you personally, it was just an expansion of the idea of guys being 'fixer uppers' when the word 'project' came up. If you say you are not the person I was describing that is fine, I don't know you and I believe you. Again I should have made a separation between your post and my deviating from your post. It was late and I was tired. I just wish the people who are the 'fixer upper types' that I described would realize you cannot 'fix' someone to be the person you want them to be-if the person is not suitable then leave them alone and move on-you cannot 'fix' anyone as people can only fix themselves, and in the way the want to be 'fixed'.

    The JMHO for me is 'just my honest opinion'.

    *looking at it again, yes it does seem like I was projecting 'that guy' onto you. I apologize for that.
     
    #12 ColumbusGuy, Aug 22, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2016
  13. ColumbusGuy

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    I see this as much as people 'not finding true happiness' as people bailing when things get tough and having less of a an ability to weather hard times and work things out. What is 'true happiness' and how many people find that in a relationship? True happiness comes from the inside, from yourself-not from someone else. Although you are correct in that people did stay and do stay in relationships that are miserable and irreparable and nobody wants to be in something like that. And I think those really bad long term relationships and marriages that are really bad and loveless make more of an impression than the ones that are ok.

    Also it is true that people(especially women) had fewer options in the past and were often trapped in untenable marriages or relationships and it is a good thing that people have more options. I think that sometimes with more options people opt out completely maybe more often for the wrong reasons. Relationships go through rocky times and it is easier to bail sometimes than work things out. I would rather have this though, than not having the ability to opt out at all(being trapped).
     
    #13 ColumbusGuy, Aug 22, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2016
  14. ColumbusGuy

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    I am just myself on here, warts and all. Maybe I am extra warty, but hey, I know I am far from alone. I try to just 'be me' on and offline. At least y'all know on and offline what you are dealing with and can avoid, block, ignore, etc. at your discretion-on here and offline. And just 'being yourself' and being ok to be that and to make mistakes and all does kind of deter the 'fixer uppers' of life. I dated one in the last 15 years( I have dated in the last 15, but no relationships) and it was a particularly destructive experience for me that I have not completely come to terms with apparently.
     
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  15. Tyroc

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    True happiness is however you quantify or find it and some people actually do find more happiness in other people than they do from within themselves.
    I know we're all supposed to be happy and fulfilled from within and love ourselves first and it's a great mantra that everyone espouses but it's not always the case and I accept and have met some people that are happy in being someone's parent, spouse, partner and aren't without.
     
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  16. ColumbusGuy

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    I suppose you are correct. I was one of those people actually. And I found out the hard way that when or if that person is no longer around for whatever reason, your happiness will go with them, so I am working to not be one of those people. And from my experience I would caution others to do the same as you ultimately only have yourself. As the expression goes, wherever you go, there you are. You really are ultimately only stuck with you. And it actually is more than just a great mantra. It is a great way to think about living your life.

    * I will say, I don't think you have to 'LOVE!' yourself to love someone else-which tends to also be a part of that mantra.
     
  17. jusrawb

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    Though typical it is true and something I love to live by that living in fear is not the wave. I believe life is about taking risk and experiencing things to learn from. That's not saying go out and date just anybody. Not taking risk ends in regrets though. Is fear of commitment really a thing? or is there is another reason for the lack of commitment? For example: rather sleep around, scared to be hurt again, never been loved, thinks being gay is all about sex, don't know how to commit, trust issues because they wouldn't trust themselves etc...
     
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  18. Jdudre

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    People that fear comment usually fear it because they have had a bad experience with it in the past at least for me that is what it amounts to you can't be with somebody in a healthy relationship if you yourself have never been in one or never ever really seen one.
     
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