What Role Do You Play In A Relationship?

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Nigerian Prince, May 30, 2017.

  1. Nigerian Prince

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    S/O to all my Cypher Avenue bros! I got a serious question for you! When you're dealing with someone during the initial stages of dating and then the convo comes up about sexual positions during a date and basically it becomes know that their sexual position is not compatible with your own... where do you go from there? I am asking from personal experience... do you keep dating? Do you decide to become friends? Do you give it a try because you really like the guy?

    @Rico @Champagne_Papi @Infinite_loop @SB3 @ControlledXaos @DreG @takeyourmeds91 @Nick Delmacy @NickAuzenneNOLA @Ockydub @ColumbusGuy @RolandG @acessential @questforknowledge @JNH412
     
  2. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    I say/think to yourself... I'm not sexually compatible with this person; dating/relationship is off the table now, is a kinsmanship still possible.
     
  3. acessential

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    If sexual position is something that you absolutely cannot compromise on, you have to acknowledge that and move on.

    But, I am a firm believer that it's hard enough finding someone you really click with. If two dudes like each other and the only thing stopping y'all is a sex position, y'all should still try and work it out. There are so many ways to rectify that. This is all my opinion though.
     
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  4. Nigerian Prince

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    There is definitely a physical chemistry and we do enjoy our conversations. I just do not think that I can be with someone who is strictly one or the other if you catch my drift @acessential @Ockydub
     
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  5. Winston Smith

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    This ALL day long!

    Have you asked him if he's willing to try new things? If not, there's nothing wrong with ending up anywhere on the continuum from just kicking it to regular FWB. Just think of the progression of your conversations/interaction as a pot on the stove; the temperature might stay low like vichyssoise or all the way up hot like spicy chili. If it doesn't work out sexually, there's nothing wrong with a gay friendship. They DO exist lol. I have other friends who are gay/bi and it's platonic.

    Just be honest with him and yourself. You went past first base recently and sooner or later you're going for the playoffs, lol, your bruhs here just want you to be ok in the process.
     
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  6. DC.

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    You know I myself have tried to be open minded on this subject but, I think be deadlocked in a sexual position preference is okay whether your versatile, or strictly this or that. And sexual compatibility I think while it shouldn't be the only thing that's important It has its own level of importance as does attraction, communication etc. because once I tried over looking that and it became an issue for me at some point in a previous situation, however everyone's different. And it's possibly to simply look at it from the perspective you can now maybe build a friendship with that particular individual.
     
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  7. Infinite_loop

    Infinite_loop Is this thing on?
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    To add an anecdote to what everyone else mentioned above, I have noticed that if I have this top/bottom conversation with a prospect too early in our get-to-know-each-other phase, we end up getting nowhere. This is not really a big priority for me when I am courting someone, but some people are just set in their ONE negotiable thing they want to do in bed ...and where is the fun in that?
     
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  8. Nigerian Prince

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    I would say the convo came up because there was a lot of flirting and there is clearly a physical chemistry between us. We've kissed each other and danced at parties with each other. He brought up the convo and I just answered. I told him that I think we can really just be cool if he is down for that. Time will tell.

    It is not like the sexual role subject has to outweigh everything in the relationship BUT we all know as men what we are interested in and what we would like to try. I just know that I do not desire to share my 1st sexual experience with a man who believe that he is strictly one thing or the other. I am simply not down for that.
     
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  9. ControlledXaos

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    I think one of the factors that go into gay men, especially black gay men not being able to find anyone is that they are caught up on who does or doesn't do what in the bedroom too early on.

    While yeah you might not want to give up the booty but most men will eventually want you to bend over at some point. Most of us want to penetrate. We are male after all. There's no need to be Ridgid about it because if you do develop feelings for someone you should be able to give yourself to them as they do you, be that penis or anus.

    Out of the guys I have had relationships with, sexually, each one was a different Dynamic. More or less penetration, more or less play, frequency,etc. It was all different.

    I usually don't worry about or have penetration with some one I really want to have a relationship with for months anyway. Just some arbitrary reasoning I have where it's likely that if they are holding out and we can get along with just suck and jo, we should be good.

    hook-ups.... I'm little more liberal with because it's 'just' sex. I'm a Scorpio after all. And if the chemistry is right it's all good.

    However you can get a good relationship from a hookup.
     
  10. lancem451

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    Depends on the person and my mood
     
  11. OhSheit

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    In one relationship of mine sexual position wasn't a factor until a few months in. My partner was patient even though they knew I wasn't into anal sex but was really rigid with topping. We tried to have sex but it didn't work out and that contributed to the downfall, on top of many other things non-sex related.

    I thought I found a genuine frot/dry hump partner but they wanted to smash eventually so that didn't work out either. That's usually how my relationships or hookups end - anal is the be all end all it seems.

    But with you @African King, you're still a virgin and ideally a top, correct? I can't force you to do something obviously but I would suggest trying both obviously whenever you're ready and with the right person that isn't strict about anything. There's a chance you might not like topping, bottoming or anal altogether and you don't want to be "stuck" with someone you're not compatible with who is not willing to work around it. Dudes are going to want some sort of sex somewhere down the line and you need to be prepared to express what YOU want and willing to give/do.
     
  12. ColumbusGuy

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    People can be so picky...and so limited. I think the French were on to something with the 'try everything at least once'(within reason).

    How do you know what you are really going to physically like, if you have never tried anything? Your body may surprise you...if you let it.
     
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  13. Nigerian Prince

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    I just want the opportunity to try everything with someone who is open-minded sexually. I will be patient. It seems like since ol' boy did not get what he wanted from me then he has pretty much disappeared. The chemistry was definitely there but when I told him that I just wanted to be cool then it seems he was not happy about not getting what he wanted.
     
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  14. DC.

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    For some reason amongst gay men of color the concept of strictly being friends with someone seems to be a concept lost on many. And personally I don't blame you because you want someone whose open. I personally think it would be helpful to possibly talk to guys who are in the same stages as you and are just experiencing relationship dating and sexual intimacy for the first time because those are the ones who will usually be more open and patient with the process. Because with a veteran they're gonna feel more deadest in their ways and sometimes may even feel they know more than you and you wan the playing field to be equal you know.
     
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  15. ColumbusGuy

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    I agree in that ideally, someone in the same 'stages' as him would be good. But how many guys are in the same situation at the age of 27 in the any gay community? Almost everyone is going to be a 'veteran' in a sense. Which sucks.

    I also think that being in the stage he is in at the age of 27 he has to be careful. We all know how guys can be...wanting a nice good looking guy who is a virgin and nobody to compare them unfavorably too, somebody who obviously has no STI's, etc. Kind of the ultimate 'fresh meat' thing. And there are guys who will play the whole game for months-just to get that 'fresh meat'-it is that important to them. For someone who seems naturally cautious, he has to be especially cautious about the true intentions of other gays at least until he is sexually active and not such a novelty in the gay community. Not to be alarmist for him or anything, but some guys will do that just for any guy who is inexperienced and young, attractive, and new to 'the scene' and all.

    To me it really is not that big of a deal, you are the same person the day before you have sex for the first time as you are the day after. Which is why I laugh when people say 'If you have gay sex, even one time, then you are gay'...as if I was not gay when I was 21 and had never had sex with a guy, and then when I was 22 and the day I had gay sex I was suddenly GAY!!!!

    Sex is great, especially when you are new to it, but it is ultimately overrated. JMHO.
     
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  16. DC.

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    So guys still want that fresh meat thing?Guys are still into that virgin thing? Because see I'm the complete opposite I'd rather date someone who has experience as me or get to know someone who does. In fact, if a guy doesn't have experience I'm already over it in my head. Because I would feel I'm gonna be their test drive for them to figure and find out what works for them and what doesn't. And I'm nobody's test drive, I'm the car that gets taken home.

    And his ideal guy doesn't have to be 27, and trust me there are so many black men in his situation it's not even funny, they might not be a virgin when it comes to women but they might be when it comes to men. However there have been instances of guys who are inexperienced but are still perfect candidates it's not everyone who has to be around the block who knows what they want.

    And just to put this out there a virgin could have an STD. There are children out here these days being born with HIV and the rates have somewhat gone down in recent years but those people exist and I'm not saying African kind is that I'm just saying in general, but then again I do work in the medical field and I know better because I've been educated more so on that subject and Ive see. Different variations.
     
  17. ColumbusGuy

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    Well you would know better than me (especially nowadays)so I could be wrong. But(just concerning the STI part)...statistically a guy who has never been with another guy sexually is going to be much less likely have an STI, not matter what. Yes there are exceptions...which is why condoms and PreP should be de rigueur.
     
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