10 First Date Deal Breakers For Gay Men

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Cypher-Avenue, Oct 6, 2015.

  1. Cypher-Avenue

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    Cuffin’ Season 2015 Week continues as we bring you yet another article about Dating and Relationships! Tis’ the season to find you a (temporary) dude to help you stay warm during the upcoming Winter months.

    Written By John Hollywood. Originally published on Hubpages.com.

    So I have been talking to a number of buddies who have been running into a cycle of going on dates where it becomes fairly obvious early in the experience that it is just not going to be a good match.

    A lot of people think gay dudes are finicky and maybe that is true to some extent however, I still there are probably a number of universal first date deal breakers that are exclusively linked exclusively to gay men.

    I talked to several relationship counselors at Couples Counseling Chicago who do a lot of counseling work with gay men around relationships, particularly premarital counseling in Chicago. What I learned is that the list I created was pretty much accurate.

    According to Daniel Sullivan, licensed psychotherapist and gay dating expert, there does indeed appear to be some important things to keep in mind when it comes to first dates and gay dudes.

    “Gay men have their own unique set of standards when it comes to dating,” says Sullivan.

    “It is important to recognize the differences, particularly when looking at topics like dating, relationships and potentially, marriage. You can often tell a great deal on a first date.”

    – Daniel Sullivan, Couples Therapy Associates
    What follows are 10-gay first date deal breakers. There are probably more than a few items that I have missed but generally speaking, these seem like the biggies!

    10 Gay First Date Deal Breakers



    1. Dude is drunk or high (or both)

    Yep – this one is a major deal breaker and it kind of makes no sense why somebody would show up to a first date all high or messed up.

    I am thinking this likely had to so with issues related to self-esteem and being fearful of rejection. Kind of an oxymoron if you ask me. Under this point, guys that drink too much during a first date can also be deal-breaker … at least for a lot of guys I know.

    2. Dude is constantly on his smart-phone

    One of my buddies shared that on the last 3 dates he was on, the guy pulled out his smart-phone during the date and started texting somebody. I personally think this is rude but can also understand that emergencies come up.

    And yeah – some people use the smart phone as a way of “getting out of a gay date” (and straight dates). It is an old trick. This one however still seems to be pretty high up there as far as deal breakers go.

    3. Dude asks too many questions

    I can remember when I was on a few dates where it felt like I was interviewing for some job. I am not sure where the fine line is between wanting to get to know somebody and crossing the line where the questions become offensive.

    A lot of dudes I know tell me they prefer to let the other person talk but if only one person is sharing, how can two people truly get to one another?

    [​IMG]

    4. Dude doesn’t make enough money or too much money
    This may seem like a shallow point but I want to keep it real in this list so that is why I am going there. If you are making a six figure salary, it is kind of hard to get serious about dating someone who is pulling in minimum wage.

    A friend of mine recently met a hot dude and the two seem liked they had a lot in common. Both of them were 40, both of them in the same political party and both of them into sports, fitness and what have you. But the dude my friend went on a date with shared that he had been unemployed for six-months and was working at McDonald’s.

    Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging here. Just saying that for a lot of gay guys, that is a deal breaker (and straight people too). What do you think?

    5. Dude is too picky about food and entertainment

    So yeah, this one seems goofy but I just know a lot of people who call of a first date before it starts because the guy they are interested in seems to be overly picky about where to eat or what to do on the first date. And still other friends of mine have been on a date with someone where the guy took forever a day to order food because they insisted on “fat free” this and “low-calorie” that. Is this a silly reason to list as a first date deal breaker for gays?

    [​IMG]

    6. Dude did not look like his photographs

    I will never understand why someone would send a picture of themselves to someone else for the purposes of getting a first day where the picture just not accurate. Here, I am talking about gay dudes using photographs that are 10 years old or when they were 30 pounds lighter. Call me crazy but why play that game? A deal breaker for sure and I am not sure there is much debate around this one.

    7. Dude is looking for a hook up

    I can totally understand how sexual energy on a first date can cause two guys to want to skip the pleasantries and get down to business. Sometimes it happens that way. Still, a major gay first date deal breaker seems to be going out with someone for the first time and the guy looking to get laid. What do you think about this one?

    8. Dude has bad teeth

    Isn’t this one awful? I can’t tell you how many guys I know who essentially rejected a first date out of hand after that first get together because he had nasty teeth. Now what constitutes “bad” and what people consider “ugly” are completely subjective. I am just saying that this one seems to be a biggie.

    9. Dude keeps talking about his ex!

    A lot of guys will cut off contact after a first date when they find out that the guy recently broke up with someone. Interestingly enough, this particular deal-breaker is universal to gays and straights alike. The question is – how much time needs to pass before someone is eligible to be back out on the market?

    [​IMG]

    10. Dude is just not compatible in the bedroom

    Under this gay first date deal breaker, it somehow comes up during the first get together that individual A is sleeps on the top bunk and individual B takes the bottom. In terms of sexual compatibility, this one kind of makes sense. But is that all there is to a gay relationship?

    For whatever it is worth, I know a lot of gay dudes who will not go out on a second date and will wiggle their way out of the first one if they find out the other dude isn’t compatible.

    Final Thoughts

    The list I have here is certainly not complete and I am sure you could add a great deal to what I have posted. And it is important to note that we are speaking here in generalities and that each person, gay or straight, is unique and therefore has their own standards.

    With that shared – what are your first date deal breakers?



    Read the whole post here.
     
  2. SB3

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    What I like the most is that the author is genuine abt the fact that this list is very subjective. My thing is, as Ive said before, I think gay men are soooo ready to find a reason to say no to a 2nd date. I call it 'red flag hunting'. So used to sht not working out that one begins to approach every sitch trying to find out their reason why date 2 wont happen. All based on hurt from the past...smh I think a lot of 'deal breakers' could exit the list if mofos would just learn that there's nothing to lose by just communicating your thoughts and feelings abt sht!
     
  3. ControlledXaos

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    A lot of these things can be worked around....

    For example being unemployed doesn't mean you are undateable. I have been laid off and sometimes it takes a while to get back to the job market in your field. But this seems like something that would have come up before the first date.

    Too many times people don't compromise on temporary situations.
     
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  4. Omega Level

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    My first date deal breakers for Kid Omega Level -

    * Negative attitudes and talking about other people in a gossip like tone.
    * A Morose disposition - just being not the most confident and lacking self esteem to the point where its just a turn off. Example, on a "phone date" one dude told me he does'nt look good naked, not really a good dresser and list went on a bit. How is anyone going to find you attractive, if you don't first find yourself attractive.
    * Adult A.D.D with your "Crew" - If we do something where other gay men are around, (although IMO i would rather do something more between us two), and you can't focus because your homeboys are coming up and you are engaging in convo and laughing and totally forgetting about we suppose to be doing our thing. "Aight, hang out with your bois. Nice meeting ya Bruh"
     
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  5. Sean

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    Here are a few of mine in no particular order:
    1) Not being what you said you are (ie, masculine...lol)
    2) Over-emphasizing the type of guy you are and the type of guy you gotta have
    3) Being overly and intrusively affectionate, verbally and/or physically
    4) Unashamedly articulating your thirst toward random men who may cross our path during the course of said date
    5) Being non-conversant
    6) Being TOO paranoid and uncomfortable that we are on a date. (I mean, damn bro, that's why we sittin at the bar. lmao)
     
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  6. ControlledXaos

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    This kills everything. You don't want to talk about yourself or are unwilling to open up? If we can't talk, we have a dead end and anything that could have been worked around, is cut off.

    Even if I'm uninterested, I can still talk to try to salvage some of the date.
     
  7. TheEdge

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    I cant totally relate to number 3. I once met a guy that interrogated me on a date. This dude wanted details about everything... How old was your ex? why did you break up? did you still talk? when was the last time you talked? did you try to make it work? :birdman:

    i think the first date should be really casual where you find out basic shyt. Then as things start looking promising (maybe 5th date) you can begin interrogating the brother.
     
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  8. JodyBell87

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    Please add showing up late! That's my deal breaker. My time is precious.....especially in NYC when I can be doing OTHER things.
     
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  9. SilverSnake4Life

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    So going off of #7. I know that where I live, there really is not a place for black SGL men to come and just meet other SGL men. So often we have to rely on apps (i.e. Jack'd, Tinder, Grindr, etc) to meet. So often the confusion of sex v. dating happends. Particularly those who live in big metropolis cities, is this the case for others as well?
     
  10. Tyroc

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    I try not to be too rigid when it comes to meeting but instant deal breakers for me are

    Rude dudes.
    Not a fan of people who are rude or condescending towards wait staff, servers, bartenders or cashiers. Purposefully not holding a door for someone behind you. Cursing or conducting adult type conversations in front of children (and this is coming from someone who has a filthy f&ck!ng mouth).

    Any color struck conversation or comments.
    Terms like good or bad hair, breaking down the exact amount of non black blood that flows through your veins means we can't even be text buddies.

    Artificial pretty boys.
    I know it's shallow but I've never had any interest in guys who have shaped eyebrows, wear makeup, have relaxed hair, wear tight clothes or excessive amounts of jewelry. Also not a fan of fake "thug drag"

    I'm a pretty versatile conversationalist and am willing to talk about anything to keep a flow going but even my eyes will go dead once the talk turns to favorite diva or worse reality show vixen.

    The most egregiously offensive deal breaker is not laughing or finding humor in my corny jokes!
     
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  11. Jaa

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    I think you just have to be upfront with what you're want. Chat and make it clear that you're getting to know people, not just hook up. The ones just looking for a quick hookup will likely make it known that they don't feel like getting to know you by leaving the conversation or blocking you. Why spend time chatting when they can find someone else who's ready to hop in bed? This could lead to frustration if you repeatedly get shut down when trying to simply chat, but there should be a few dudes looking for more than sex. Fortunately, you're in the state capitol and not the boonies.
     
  12. Coragee

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    THIS TIMES 100! I am actually dealing with a situation now where this guy I'm "getting to know", seems to be too cool for school and I am lucky to get a "You silly..." or an "Lol" in text form (which I hate BTW), let alone genuine laughter!

    also, another deal breaker of fine is a perpetrator... So Yea...every one else is spot on with some of their deal breakers.
     
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  13. Champagne Papi

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    I think I'll take high over drunk any day. I know guys who being high is actually their natural state and just aren't themselves when they are sober; weird innit.

    I'm excellent with not being on my phone during a date or even chilling with my friends at that (they have this stupid no-phone policy), but a n*gga got kids and may be on-call for the weekend....so the most I'll do is probably leave my phone on the table while it's on vibrate.

    I think I'm guilty of number three....I'm very self-conscious of my personality because I've been told that I'm intimidating and that I have a strong personality....so I usually stay back, listen, and ask open ended, follow up questions.

    At this point in my life, I really don't care about how much the dude makes; not even if he's unemployed....I will say though, if I'm expected to pay for everything (especially when I'm not the one who asked to meet up) every time we get together, that'll be a problem for me yeh.

    I'm the opposite for number five....I think it'll be a deal breaker if your nonchalant rather than being picky and knowing what you want. It frustrates me when I ask a guy what they'd like to do (to get a feel of what they're interested in) and they just say "whatever" or "I'm down for anything." N*GGA! Help me out, sh*t!

    Ehh, number six is kind of tricky....obviously yeh, if you are not nowhere near the picture you sent me, then we've got a problem. But even then, I'd just be cautious of your behaviour and question things you tell me; more than likely, I'll continue on with the date. (Lying about your name on the other hand is a gurentee ticket for me to walk out on your ass.)

    If I'm sexually attracted to the person and they me, I don't see a problem with number 7....but I will say that if 90% of our conversation is about f*cking, I'll politely continue to entertain dude for the night and then block his number as soon as I get in my car yeh.

    Jesus, number eight I'd have to agree with. I'd never tell dude that's the reason but I'm too obsessed with teeth to get over it and not have it affect me.

    Ehh, number nine is something that I haven't come across yet so I can't really say yeh....but, for some reason yeh, there's this essence about me that makes people open up and tell me about their past/present relationship challenges, even though I haven't known them for long, so I think I'd chuck that up to that reason.

    For number 10, I haven't been f*cking so I'm open to whatever the person identifies with....but I'd be really nervous about "strict" anything, especially "strict tops".
     
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  14. alton

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    "The most egregiously offensive deal breaker is not laughing or finding humor in my corny jokes!"
    I'm reeeeally bad with this. I've never been efficient at hiding emotions, so when people make unfunnies, I tend to give an OBVIOUSLY fake, half smile. LOL Unfortunately my regular smile tends to come off a little sarcastic as well. I went out a few times with this one dude, great guy, but his sense of humor was F34KING...HORRIBLE. It sounds like something one would be able to get over, and probably had it come out long after we had been dealin with each other and I'de had the time to let him "grow on me" I coulda dealt with it, but it was really too much. LOL
     
  15. alton

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    I'm pretty easy going. The only real "deal breakers" I have are excessive phone use, and "girls in men's clothing". The other shit on the list for me, ranges from tolerable to irritating, but depending on where my head is at t that moment, I'll either give a 2nd date a chance or just try and f#K and cut my losses (If the other guy is down for that. I'm not presumptuous enough to assume I'm that desirable/appealing that I could pull a "Fuck & Go").
     
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  16. Tyroc

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    The incompatible senses of humor thing seems like a legitimate reason to not waste time.
    What was so horrible about his humor? Mine is juvenile, perverse, morbid, usually very inappropriate and often would go over my dates heads, which is how I could mostly tell if they were really listening or not.
     
  17. alton

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    He just wasnt funny, and
    He was just really, really, dry and overly corny. Sad because everything was on point.
     
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    Do you really need to send a text message during the middle of the date? Those sports scores and Facebook status updates and the friend who texted you will all be right there waiting for you at the end of the date. I promise. Your date, however, may not be.
     
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