Best Posts in Thread: I'm A Black Man And I Was Raped

Last year I was raped.

And because I’m a stubborn man, I didn’t even begin to deal with it until months later.

I was newly single and living a faux fabulous life; not necessarily ready to be physical with someone yet, but I jumped on “the app” to get a little attention and see what was out there.

They all can't be bad, right?

Per usual, I kept the conversation pretty surface level with most guys. Sure, I’ve used apps to consensually find late night hookups before, but I wasn’t really in that mental space emotionally yet.

One guy in particular was really nice. Good job. Quirky. Two-point-six miles away. From his picture on my cracked, dated iPhone 5, he definitely was not my type. But I figured at least someone wanted to treat me to a free cocktail. We met at his house early evening and chatted it up for a bit. He drove us to a nearby bar where it was obvious that he and the bartender had built a rapport from the friendly head nod and suave introduction. Now, anyone who knows me personally knows that as skinny as I am, my alcohol tolerance is that of a German lumberjack. This night, it took only three small, unsupervised complimentary whiskey cranberries until I was blacked out, facedown, with my new “friend” penetrating my anus in his bed.

I still have no idea how I got to the man's bedroom. I remember feeling suddenly dizzy at the bar. I remember leaving the bar. But getting back to the car? The drive back to the apartment? Saying goodbye to the friendly bartender? Nothing. When I came to I was able to push him and he got off of me. But I was too weak to even walk and I instantly fell back asleep. When I woke up again, I walked to my car and fell asleep for another few hours until I gained the strength to drive back home. I never saw or spoke to him again. In fact, if I walked right past him today I more than likely would not be able to recognize his face.

At first I was totally fine. I had made the decision to put myself at risk and this is what happens to people who do that, right? Totally my fault. I decided it was best to tell someone who meant the world to me, though I still was not able to say the word “rape.” However, this trusted person used the information I disclosed to him and threw it in my face when he found the opportunity to be upset with me.

That was the moment it unexpectedly hit me.

My body. My naked body. The only thing I was given at birth was violated. You can take my material things, but the first gift given to me, my first gift from God… It was assaulted without my consent. The feeling was something I have never experienced before. The touch of another human being was absolutely disgusting. My usually clear and concise mind was unable to properly formulate the words to express what I was trying to internally pick apart. Why now? Was I hurt from the actual event? Were these suppressed emotions what I had been subconsciously been holding back for months and months? Was I just hurt that someone I truly cared about used something so personal against me to try and hurt my ego? I had heard rape stories, but never thought anything like that would ever happen to me; especially as a man.

When I was able to get a grasp on my words later that evening, it all came out like months’ worth of suppressed verbal vomit. I ended up calling a guy I used to date who I trusted and who knew how to deal with me on a deeper emotional level even though we were not together. Through talking about it and having a comforting ear, I finally addressed the fact that I was indeed raped.

I decided it was best to see a therapist. In all my years on this planet, my mind, body and soul never had a reaction like this to something. I wondered what else I was holding onto that could emerge through conversation with an unbiased professional. Completely out of my emotions this time, I told the story and they were in shock that I was able to vividly describe something with such a straight face.

There were a couple triggers here and there. A certain pop song I specifically remember that night on the way to the bar. I was thrilled when the song that was publicly silently cutting away at me in social settings was dismissed from the radio airwaves. I used to tense up when I thought about the cruel statements from the friend who is no longer in my life.

I thought about pressing charges. Maybe getting the bartender fired or at least doing an investigation. I had no clue if he was involved, but he probably had some answers. When I thought about it, I really didn't know the location or the name of the bar. I couldn't even remember what the bartender looked like, his name; and it had taken so long for me to come to terms with everything that I had already let the pain and everything go. I would never condemn someone who goes after their attacker, but for me it was a personal triumph. I have no information. I made a personal choice to not move forward with trying to find these people. I did not want to put energy into something like that. I made the choice to put power in my words and bring awareness to the topic.

I wondered who else ever felt in denial about being sexually assaulted. Even as a very self-aware black man it took me months and unexpected assholism for me to personally address, acknowledge and heal from what had happened to me. The thing is, women are not the only ones who are subject to rape. Once I started doing research and reading the statistics and studies behind rape, especially the history, I wanted nothing more than to let men and women know that if this happened, you are not alone and it's okay and healthy to talk about it. Rape in men, especially heterosexual men by women is more common than you think. I’m still learning and researching.

I brought it up on stage at a Kiss & Tell Live event in New York City. Expecting it to be an uncomfortable but well-received conversation, I could feel the air sucked out of the room full of Manhattan gays and gals. I began to notice every time I brought it up, people would clam up and instantly get uncomfortable. It soon became common that more and more of the men in my personal life came forward with similar stories. I was graciously given the opportunity this month to tell my story in a room full of people in Washington, D.C. I purposely didn't tell the story I was going to share with the facilitator prior to, but I saw I was the only man on the panel and it fit the theme of the event. Whether the audience liked it or not, they were going to hear me out.

The talk went great. I received so many "Thank yous.” So many questions. Especially from women. It was put on Facebook Live and I've had people comment, inquire and commend me, both nationally and internationally. I learned so much and was given the opportunity to hear stories from the other amazing panelist who sat beside me. Our testimonies varied, but our willingness and desire to openly share our stories of overcoming was enough to instantly unify our energy. Our vulnerability organically drew us together.

So, I have a message for you: You are not alone. Speak up. Speak out. Learn from others. Get the help you need to heal from this and turn your pain into power.

If you have any questions for me, feel free to email me at info@jaycebaron.com.
I'm A Black Man And I Was Raped

 

I say this coming out of a place of love and concern: Please seek some kind of LGBT-based therapy if you think it will help, so that the person who violated you doesn't continue to have power over you even though he's not physically present. Thoughts are interesting things: they have no weight or mass but they occupy space (in your mind). There are gay therapists out there who not only understand where you've been but may have actually experienced it themselves. I've mentioned before that I have a friend that is a black gay male and also a therapist. Unlike me, but like most here at CA, he knew his orientation at an early age, i.e. formative teen years, young adulthood. So all the shit he counsels people on, he went through it himself well before getting certified and grad school. This makes the help he gives valid and useful, not theoretical bullshit. I think you could really benefit from such a relationship. There are even those who can help even if you're not in a position to be covered by insurance or co-pay.

Second, even though it's never happened to me, I've had friends that it has. One friend of mine, of small stature, was like you. He was attacked and nearly bled to death and died after being stabbed in the attack (this happened years before I met him). Whereas I learned a lot of humorous things about being a gay male from my therapist friend, I learned a lot about the dark side from my friend who was attacked; the sexual assaults, the negative begaviors and toxic power and masculine games some dudes engage in. This was why I brought up the issue of violence and height and size in my response to @ColumbusGuy; the shit my short friend told me about how dudes push up and think they can try and get away with shit they would never try at first brush with me (without drugging or ganging up on me). He eventually learned to wield a certain kind of power and exude confidence despite the shit he'd been through. I'd like to see you in the same kind of place, where you just exude such confidence mofos have to think twice before trying some shit.

Don't ever think that seeking out counseling is weakness. If anything, it demonstrates strength because you are taking a step to deal with something that's eating at you, rather than letting it alone and it takes on a life of its own. If you've been through a traumatic experience, it helps just to get that perspective. I sought it out after I returned rom Iraq, and it's helped me personally and professionally. And don't be afraid, if you do start counseling, to switch therapists if you're not clicking with the first one you encounter. I went to the VA for counseling and it was such a bad experience, I will never go back to the VA for shit. Luckily I knew to look for other resources. It's no different than switching doctors. You need to be comfortable with the person you're opening up to in order to advance yourself. Therapy is like any other profession. Some people know what they're doing, some don't. I'm not saying there aren't straight therapists that can't empathize but I just think another gay black make, who isn't judgmental and knows the bullshit personally not just professionally, could be a good thing.

 

This is similar to what happened to me, just no hookup app...but from the part at the bar....and I was able to mostly..mostly..fight it off.

It is sad how I seem to have heard a version of this story again and again and again. At least people are speaking up so I can hear it repeated, same story with a few twists it seems each time.

It is a very horrible and unique experience when you realize 'this is NOT the alcohol...alcohol does not do this to me and has never done this to me...and then you know and there is not much you can do about it. I still think it was mostly my fault. I did everything wrong-everything you are supposed to do-I did the opposite.

ALL gay men are susceptible to this. The strongest man can be reduced to the level of an infant-which is why you must always be on guard in situations where you are about to put something into your body, to ingest something, food or drink-especially drink. At a bar, at a party, with someone just the two of you. I learned the hard way-which is the usual way I learn things unfortunately.

Actually the worst part for me, the part that hurt me the most, was when I was still fairly incapacitated and I was dumped out of the car into an intersection and left there. Just dumped out into the street like a bag of trash. I begged not to be dumped out like that and to be dropped off at an actual place. But I was just dumped like garbage onto the pavement and left there.

And I talked to people and nobody ever saw the guy before or after. Probably from another city.


I would not be surprised given how society is, that it would be much more difficult for a black man, gay or straight, to reveal this kind of thing. What with that toxic hyper-masculinity and all being worse in the black community.