Best Posts in Thread: Stigma Attached to Wanting to be in a Relationship

  1. acessential

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    This is an interesting article that's been floating around my timeline.



    Here are my takeaways:

    1) I'm still a firm believer that the only person who can truly make you happy is yourself. You should never go into a relationship expecting the other person to complete you. That's a recipe for disaster and if the relationship ends, you're going to end up devastated because you feel like a part of you is literally missing.

    2) I understand the concept of "touch." But there are services nowadays where you can pay for a cuddle partner. I wonder if that could potentially eliminate some of the frustration single folks have.

    3) I think this article makes a good point about how even though we're a social species, single folks who voice frustrations with being single are automatically labeled "needy" and "not ready" to be in a relationship. You can be completely independent in every facet and still desire to be with someone. The idea that you need to "work on you" is a never ending journey so you'll never be completely "ready" for a partner.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. ControlledXaos

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    Well it's either "Phuck Relationships" or "I Wanna be a Gay Power Couple" and there doesn't seem to be much representation from the middle from what I can tell.

    I thought there's a lot of romanticized views of what a relationship is. Funny how people say there are no good gay role models yet they spend a lot of time trying to have a relationship. Well who are you trying to emulated and why? Just do right in the relationship you are in. Every relationship you have will be different. Things you do with Jason , you didn't do with Todd and vice versa. Some things you did with both.

    If you can get along with each other, there's interest that's beyond just looks, truthful, have your expectations voiced, understood, and set, you are on the road to a decent relationship.

    The rest can usually be worked out.
     
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  3. SB3

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    I was about to say, negro, u just started a damn thread in the comments section!

    I think u made some valid points, but the glaring difference btwn str8s n gays (at least during OUR times) is the visibility and ability, to openly be u.

    Str8 men want loose sex, because they don't (typically) have as easy access to it, as gay men. So when gay men end up 53, no longer the hottest guy on jakd, and FINALLY want someone to be on their UNCONDITIONAL team to grow old with, after spending all of their 'hot' years thotting, wtf can be surprised?!

    Im extremely, EXTREMELY, untraditional, but, like the point of this post says, Im over people acting as if gay men are wrong/crazy or ridiculous for wanting intimate adult relationships.

    Just because it's more difficult, due to our history of having to date, basically, in shame, doesn't mean that we have to pretend like we're all happy to be 'that' uncle, upstairs in the room.

    Hell no!

    Im a handsome, virile, 'good' guy, and I deserve to not be a 'best man'/'groomsman' all of my life, JUST because I like men.

    It may never happen, but pretending like it's 'oh well' (just because Im not interested in the masses of women who hit on me every fukn 5 minutes) NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

    ZERO shame in being gay and admitting that you'd like a man to love u!
     
    #6 SB3, Sep 6, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2016
  4. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    This following opinion is coming from a minority point of view but I believe that its harder to be in a relationship, not that hard to be single...Also, the gay people who already in relationships are the ones who most come across as needy to me. Especially the ones that feel the need to excessively advertise their relationships.

    There is a stigma in being single by men who are ALREADY in relationships. The fucking relationship gurus who think they are experts and better (and HAPPIER) than you just because they've been dating a nikka for a couple months/years.

    Admittedly, I've never been in a long super serious relationship so likely my non-desire to desperately get one may be due to not having experienced something to miss. But the same applies to Heroin. I've never tried it so I don't feen for it.

    Many gay men I've seen (both in person and online) do seem to be verbally/vocally addicted to relationships and/or the idea of being in a relationship like Heroin. Seemingly moreso than the average heterosexual person.

    [​IMG]

    Example: Straight Black men fantasize about one night stands with big booty models... Gay Black Men fantasize about cuddling with a perfect boyfriend while watching Netflix.

    So if there is a stigma in that, it's that single men eventually become annoying as shit with their constant complaining about it.

    Fly on the wall convo with 2 typical single gay men: "Why is it so hard to find a guy? Dating is so hard. Guys are so superficial. I need to work out more. Where are all the good guys? All they want is sex in [insert city here]. I can get sex anywhere, I'm looking for more. This guy keeps texting me, ugh he's so thirsty! I won't just date anyone, I have standards, I know what I like."

    If it's hard, its hard because they make it hard. Self imposed problems. Just shut up about it, enjoy your life and date casually with no expectations.

    But then if/when they eventually get into a relationship, they turn into fucking relationship gurus: "Here's what you need to do to get like me..."

    Bitch, I don't wanna be you! Believe it or not relationship-queen, what makes YOU happy is not what EVERYONE ELSE desires!

    [​IMG]

    But again, this is coming from a dude who's very happy with himself and his single status. Don't get me wrong, I date and like spending time with a dude...But having an intimate friend would just be to compliment certain experiences that I would still be enjoying even without them.

    Rant over, lol.
     
  5. SB3

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    As someone who's experienced both lanes for significant periods of time, I feel like if u want a relationship, then approach dating as if that's the case.

    It's not exactly the 'easy' way out here in a world full of horny gay men, but I make it very clear that Im not looking for a smash. Nothing, at all, wrong w that, but I want more, and act accordingly.

    And ur absolutely right about the whole 'work on you' thing. We are all flawed ppl, so said work will NEVER be 'done'.
     
  6. ControlledXaos

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    Another things, females make a big deal about their relationships... "my husband" "my fiance" "I'm glad I don't have to worry about diseases because I have a husband." these are quotes I have heard and read online from chicks. Heterosexual females really brag about having a man to the point that I get tired of it so I know thier female friends are too. No one GAF. Seriously.

    After my long as hell relationship ended I can't lie, I missed intimacy.... Touch, touching... All of that is addictive when you get used to it and while being single is cool and all, there's some intimate stuff and feedom you can do in a relationship that you can't with a stranger.

    When I was in a relationship, I could slip my hands down my dude's pants and it's no thing. Not with a hook up. I could get a foot massage or have my dude pop a back pimple. Not with a hook up.

    I never made it a big deal though. It just was what it was. I didn't think being in a relationship was a big deal, certainly not something to brag about or anything to feel ashamed of.

    I don't believe in the "better to have loved and lost" type of thinking.
     
  7. Tyroc

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    As an older dude who can honestly say I've done the long term, short term and single life for equal amounts of time.
    I don't think it's hard to be single once you grow to accept and get to know who you are as a person.

    I've discovered in life that I don't need someone to make me happy but I am happier when I'm making someone happy and smile.
    That for me is what the best part of a relationship is not f you wind up in one.

    I like touch as much as the next man and I've been without it for a very long stretch. I'm old fashioned in that I'd rather "Husband pay" for touch in a relationship than give my my $$$$$$ to a stranger. For me it's an ego thing.

    I do come across a lot of dudes that spend time obsessively complaining about their relationship status but aren't really trying all that hard to do something about improving their situation.
     
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  8. BlackguyExecutive

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    I will say that relationships are hard work and you have to be ready and willing to put in the hard work. Relationships are about making compromises and lifting each other up even when you are mad at one another. Next month, will be my first anniversary being married and my gent and I had our first big fight since being married but things were a little different this time, we didn't yell although we did use a lot of shade and reads but we managed to hash it out and move forward.

    Right now, we are at a critical cross roads we are both in our early early 30s and have our own ambitions but I convinced my husband to move across the world, leave his job and profession and friends so that I could pursue my career in Foreign Relations. Initially it was exciting, I earn enough money and receive enough benefits that we are pretty financially secure yet my husband feels like he just gave it all up for me to live out my dreams of travelling the world. It breaks my heart because I can tell he is getting more and more miserable. However, we made this choice together and we will have to figure it out. (i.e., finding him some hobbies or a job).

    Finding that right balance is essential in making any relationship work. I always think of the Rolling Stones song: "You Can't Always Get What You Want"

     
  9. NikR

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    I always prided myself in being an island. I don't think I am though, sadly. Do I NEED anyone? Nah. Naaaah.

    But with that being said- for y'all negroes who aren't into relationships, if you find a dude who's similar to me in most aspects, I'm currently taking husband applications. Within 5-6 inches of my height. Going places. You know the rest. When you find him, slide up in my DMs.
     
    #26 NikR, Sep 7, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2016
  10. DreG

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    For a minute maybe,but it's still not as satisfaying as laying up with someone with whom you have a special comfort.

    I feel this way too.I get the sense you're kinda like me in that you like a certain amount of space.I will admit the idea of being totally commited and vulnerable is not something I can accept very easily.

    Yes.the idea exhausts me sometimes.It's probably like kids.If you care enoug habout he person,you wanna do the work.In the abstract,it sounds like putting up with someone,but practically,it's more like working towards a goal.Rewarding work and such or whatever.

    I only give the side eye to people who feel they need a relationship to be complete,and can't enjoy life otherwise.I understand having things you want and stuff,but people who lose themselves when they get a partner and worship them just for being present are the ones that make me take a pause.Then you have people who just want one because it's like a status symbol.
     
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