Best Posts in Thread: Are Africans and Islanders the Craziest and Biggest Head-Cases to Date?

Calling @African King in this because Nick just started a war lol:
I'll only answer from an African perspective.
Re: Homophobic upbringing/home country - that's just the hand we were dealt with. If you knew that the worst case scenario about being "exposed" as gay/bisexual is a tortuous death and the best case scenario is being disowned by your family, friends, and your community you would be paranoid too. It's a whole thing: I am sure you've seen videos/articles about people being exposed in Jamaica, Cameroon, Uganda etc and what happens to them?... It is also mostly psychological(especially for those living in the West) , sometimes I wonder if it would be as bad as I make it if I ever came out to my family or friends, but we'll never know now will we? Speaking from personal experience, it has been an uphill battle... Everyone just assumes I am straight, so I learned to play the game and go with the flow. I can't say it hasn't been exhausting. It is a full-time job being an actor, after all...and I can't do that DL shit...I just can't. So, I've handling this the best way I can: First, I stopped worrying too much about "coming out". I realized it wasn't that important to me.

I am naturally an introvert, not big on public speaking or big-ass weddings; I mostly fly under the radar. So, I'll continue being myself. Second, I stopped worrying too much about what everybody else thinks about the way I live my life. Yes, I won't give my mom some fantasy daughter-in-law or some superman grandkids, so I'll learn to live with that and she'll do the same. It'll probably take me a while to get to the point where I volunteer telling folks that I am gay/bi, but if I am caught slipping, I won't deny the charges.

I just wish dudes would stop asking me what I think about this girl they saw on Instagram and what that ass look like or what have you: someday I am just going to be like "forget the girl, did you peep dude's ass tho? bubbly amiright?"

Re - Fem Africans - Oh they out there . I know a few lol the difference is that they aren't usually that conspicuous. They are usually pretty chill and easy going(contrary to the "fem" stereotype) Just folks like us trying to get through the work week unnoticed.

 

Let me say it this way... (yes I know everyone is different and doesn't think like me)

Most of the things being described here (outside of torture, killing, imprisonment) most non-heterosexual men of color have to deal with. Its not unique to a region or country.

Paranoia, thoughts of suicide, being condemned to hell, etc. I dealt with most of it when I was growing up. Once I moved away, these things were now for the most part irrelevant because I'm no longer in the environment that had the restrictions on impact.

I know kats in their 40s, 50s and 60s who are still dealing with these issues. Its like they're waiting for their parents or grand parents to die so they can be free.

If you're an adult independent man and your home region is 1000's of miles away, this is absolutely a self imposed problem. The family, church family gets to be happy and live free while you can't because of the fear of their judgements.

So while they're living in their truth you in limbo wishing you could live yours.

 

Considering how rampant and violent homophobia is in African and Caribbean cultures I would be totally surprised if they weren't "head cases." African American bruthas are crazy enough (myself included). Family and cultural influences shape who we are as people so if every message someone gets from their family and culture about their sexuality is negative and they have to worry about being found out because that would social suicide, or fear for your safety it would be impossible for that not to have a negative effect on one's psyche. I spent years in therapy and on antidepressants and black Americans culture isn't as bad(but bad enough) as Caribbean or African cultures when it comes to homosexuality.
One of my drinking buddies from my days in the military was from the Caribbean he lived in a constant state of dread of his family finding out he's gay. Probably why he drank so much. I couldn't keep up with him and back in the day I could drink like a fish.

 

Nope... they are a case study on how history/culture is ignored in favor of assimilation and indoctrination in Christianity.

Most of them be super intelligent but the psychological damage is very real.

 

@Infinite_loop @Lancer @TheEdge lol. @Nick Delmacy GMFU hahaha.

I will say this. I was born here in America so my experience is slightly different compared to someone like @Infinite_loop or @Lancer or @TheEdge but the fears are very real. I am living my life here in America BUT I am very cautious about how I move because the repercussions are out there if you do a lot especially on social media. My Facebook is very straight. I just post and share inspirational quotes and I have the occasional pictures with friends that I've been out with mostly in Atlanta (then some in Houston and some other cities). Facebook is where all my Nigerian family members from back home mostly are connected to me. We are in touch and I know that I will be going back home to Nigeria in the next few years. The last thing I need is anyone back home questioning me about who my friends are and what I am doing because things look "suspect".

The truth is that the choices and decisions we all make do not only affect us but they also affect our other family members. I can live my life and be social and be involved in various initiatives in the black gay community here in ATL without having the whole "gay thing" come up in discussion amongst my parents and extended family. If my parents want to still be able to be involved in the Nigerian community in Houston and other U.S. cities as well as back home then I would want that for them instead of them being faced with rejections from ignorant people. They can live their life and I can live my life as well.

I am naturally an introvert but I do have my extroverted tendencies so I have grown to be more social amongst the black gay community and also the African gay community here in Atlanta. I've been able to network and establish more connections. I do put myself out there so to speak but I am still flying under the radar at the same time. I am not as close to being a "gay socialite" as @Ockydub and @Nick Delmacy portray me to be lol. I am just happy that I don't have to do the whole DL thing but I do know that when I do go back home to Nigeria within the next few years for vacation that I will be very discreet.

I can talk to my (extended) family members about so many other things aside from love and marriage. While the topic will come up, I'll just make up a story or switch up the subjects and keep it moving. That's the harsh reality of it all. I do think that while there is a truth to the whole African and Islander theory that @Nick Delmacy has that even Americans (not directly connected to family in Africa or the Caribbean) do deal with not wanting others to find out. It is just that with Africans and Caribbeans that while the experience is similar, there are the cultural differences and some additional layers to it all.

**Sidenote: I personally know 4 men in that picture who are from Ghana and Nigeria who live in Texas and New York and they are "family" lol.

 

Once you're in a safe space/place and your life is not in danger...The path may be hard but the choice is simple.

Either you want to be happy or you don't.

If you want to be happy, what choices are you willing to make that will influence your actions so you can attempt to live a full happy life?

An example of this (mentioned by @Cyrus-Brooks and myself) would be seeking/obtaining counselling to bring your mental state in balance to counter the negative anti-LGBT indoctrination by family, church, home regions and the Black community as a whole.

In my experience...the men who are hiding or who are basket cases, always seem to be explaining why they're in their situation or why they're fearful but never seem to talk about how or what they're willing to do to make themselves happy or "live in their truth".

 

I just want to point out that there is a general apathy to intersectionality in this thread:
Not only are most of us African or Islanders, we are also:
* Immigrants
* Black men living in the US
* Transgender or gender non-conforming
* Drowning in Debt as early 20s or late 30s professionals who are graduate school/college educated
* Orphans/Survivors of genocides and/or civil wars( if you are a subsaharan African who didn't go through a bloodbath in the 20th century, good for you!)

* And the list goes on....

Choose more than one item of the above and combine it with being gay and you can see why there ain't no "whining". I am not necessarily looking for sympathy(although it would be welcome from a forum full of people *WHO SHOULD* get it) , but I believe looking at the big picture can help with not scratching the surface or have tunnel vision about this particular topic.

 

I'm guessing all those supressed feelings must come out when having sex, cuz in my experiences with both, Africans and Islanders are some freaks! Man, i have some stories for the locker room. Lol.

 

I didn't understand the Tittle until I read the explanation and then burst laughing at ''But you need a Masters Degree in psychology just to take them seriously in gay dating''.

Personally, this is SO TRUE! I once had an old flame tell me that in trying to get to know me his psychology skills had to be two steps ahead of mine which was tiring for him. My close friends from High School know about me, even know my parents and I know they will never tell them or other folks back home.
I think Africans are afraid of folks from their home country finding out because of the shame it would bring their parents. They would not want their parents or siblings to become items of ridicule, ignored or distanced from. As Africans that sense of family/community is very strong and I guess they all want to be as ''Normal'' as possible and not draw ''negative'' attention to themselves. Even though they are well distanced/separated from that crowd.

 

Many of us are still very much connected to our home countries whether through family, business, or other types of community ties. The World isn't as big as you would think...

 

I would totally date a first or second generation African if they weren't so damaged and paranoiac about anyone from their home country finding out they are gay/bisexual. Same with Jamaicans and other islanders. Dem nikkas got issues!!!

Also, I know they exist but I have yet to meet a fem queen African in America. Africans and Islanders in America be masc & chill AF. But you need a Masters Degree in psychology just to take them seriously in gay dating.

I remember the interview @Ockydub had with a gay islander, shit was sad.

Also, there was my interview with a gay black man in London with African parents. He's still closeted to this day.

Am I alone with this way of thinking?