Here’s a question for the Squad Psychiatrists on the site:
Time and again, when I meet guys in bars and clubs (or on dating apps, back when I was using them), nearly 100% of the time when it comes to meeting up for the “first date” they want me to come to their home to “hangout.” Is this the new norm?
Do I come across as “trade” for booty calls only, not to be seen with out in public?
Here’s a recent exchange I had with a dude I had just met the night before at a house party (I’m the blue texts):
Dude, we just met! Why are those the first two options?!
I mean, I get it. Some people are just more comfortable in private intimate spaces as opposed to the public. And we’re grown men who can keep our libidos in check in public, so why not in private as well?
However, to me, this always comes across as a transparent attempt to get a hookup. And if I wanted a hookup, there are far less time consuming ways to get one.
When a guy asks me to come over his place before we’ve even had a single conversation (besides yelling at each other over club music), that says “hookup” to me. Especially when he opens the door wearing just a tank top and basketball shorts:
Dude, are we going on a date or are we about to play defense? Which is it?
Am I overthinking that they just want sex?
Should I just smash and keep it moving, hoping that the sex will keep him around for an actual date later?
Maybe I’m just a prude who wants a little dinner and conversation first.
I’m not that much of a prude, though. I’ve often stated on this site that I don’t mind sex on the first date. But in my mind, the sex is the climax to a great day/night of getting to know the other person in a neutral setting (aka “the date”).
Kinda like this:
Some of you may be saying, “that’s just a TV show, not reality.” However, in the past, I’ve had many dates go exactly like this. Dates so dope, neither one of us wanted the day to come to an end.
What happened to going out for a drink:
Or how about going bowling together:
Again, I accept that I could be doing dating all wrong in 2018. So much has changed with technology and traditions over just the past 5 years, why should dating be any different?
We now live in a world where texting is considered “talking.” Men on this site have overwhelmingly said that they loathe talking to a dude on the phone, they prefer digital interactions instead. Our devices are connecting us more than ever, but traditional communication and social interactions seem to be breaking down.
Maybe I’m a relic of another time. Maybe the reality for gay men post 2018 is that when we tell our grandkids about how we first met we’ll say: “We both swiped right, he sent me nudes, I went to his place, we had sex, and the rest is history…”
What are your thoughts?
Best Posts in Thread: QUESTION: What Happened To Dating Out In Public? Or Is It Just Me?
Most of the time, they are anticipating a hookup. Outside of that, they are either so DL/discreet that they feel uncomfortable meeting in person, are broke and would rather stay home than pay for food and drinks three times a week, or they're not broke but would rather it be something casual before investing, financially, in an actual date with a dude.
Usually, if a dude suggests meeting at his place for the first time, I will ask what are your intentions? Now that sounds like a harmless question but you would think I've insulted their mothers based on their reactions. No one wants to be clear on intentions. Maybe to keep all options open.
I'm with you on this one Nick. I'm more of a traditional guy as well. Going to each others place on the first date doesn't work for me. If the guy is asking to meet at your place or his place before you even have the chance to get to know each other then its clear they are looking for sex more than anything else. I don't think there is anything wrong with going to each others place say like on the 3rd or 4th date but even still for me in that situation I'm probably not looking to have sex if I'm interested in dating the guy. You would think this type of behavior is more so limited to guys who are on the hookup apps. But there are some gay dudes who are looking to date and prefer to meet up in this fashion which is crazy to me. I used to come across this when I was younger and first started talking to guys. Most of the guys that I meet now at least in my experience are looking to go out on a real date on the first meeting and not just get comfortable at my place or his place.
Great topic! I'd agree with your point that technology has helped erode some culture around dating, since now you can order in a meal and a person with the same device in about 5 minutes. The ease of sharing information that used to take longer to divulge changed the threshold of intimacy, especially as we're meeting people for the first time.