Best Posts in Thread: [QUESTION] Single Black Gay Men: Why Do You Even WANT To Be In A Relationship?!

I want to be in one "eventually" because I want the partnership, union of love that I can't from get from family and friends.I believe that just because relationships fail doesn't make them less valued. I won't get the same bond that will come from a "relationship." Why can't we see 2 masculine men flourishing together without beating each other physically. No competition, wiling to be wrong and submit to each other.
If no one takes that risk? 30 years from now we will be in the same space asking the same old tired questions. I will admit now that my attitude is gone.I didn't know that the young fraternity couple were not together. It would not have been posted.

But, that won't be every gay couples reality. Just because those are not highlighted doesn't mean they don't exist. Every one argues whether you are in a sexual relationship are not. That is part of our human make up. We cry when we get are ass whopped, by parents, someone dies, or losing a job. We can't let that be a reason to block ourselves from one of the highest and intimate love possible.

 

I must have missed this earlier somehow lol I'm been on here all day practically!

Like African King, I my reason for wanting a relationship is mainly to simply experience what that's like for once. I love experiencing new things, people, places..it keeps me going, helps me grow as a human being and everyone needs that. You bring up good points though I will admit, if there's one thing I got from this it was a reminder that relationships aren't easy. But nothing in life worth having ever is, am I correct?

I think the gay community need a lot work as it becomes more socially acceptable, because right now all these bad examples of relationships come from people who quite frankly aren't prepared for a good one. They are broken in so many ways, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, that it's difficult for them to be stable enough to make things last. This problem isn't just in gay relationships and I'm not trying to be Dr.Phil, I just think a lot people do get in relationships for the "wrong" reasons or reasons that don't hold any substance like for appearances or status. No strong foundations.

 

Eventho this post isnt reflective of me personally, I had to chime in this once. If u stopped to remove the gay equation, then it might just be for all of the same reasons as our str8 counterparts.

I think many of us, especially those of us who dont wear gay on our sleeves 24/7, just may get to witness some of the great perks we see among the str8s in our lives, who happen to be in relationships.

N these are my peers, who are many years strong. N while I may be more selective about the settings in which I socialize w them these days, the reasoning is def not that i want a mate because Im the only one who doesnt have one. It's because I respect all of the love n care displayed when Im around them, n I want that too.

Thankfully for me, I dont have all of the stories of messy/inconsistent/always looking for a chance to bail at any hurdle/social media photo opp/_____ gay couples to leave a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to whats possible in a relationship.

 

I know that I want to be in a relationship eventually because I think that it is fundamental to the human experience. No man is an island. I am typically a loner but I am personable. I have been single for 26 years and I don't have a problem with that however, I do want to enter a new chapter in my life by exploring relationships and dating. This has NOTHING to do with the fact that 2016 is around the corner.

I do know (of) couples, str8 or gay/bi/queer, that talk about how relationships are WORK. But just because something is work and both people love one another doesn't mean it is something that should not be pursued. You know the saying, "it is better to have loved, than to have never loved at all"? I believe in that. In life whether we are discussing relationships with a significant other, business deals, family/friend relationships, and so on there are highs and lows. There is joy and there is also pain. Just because there are the bad parts does not mean we should not pursue relationships.

As for the media depictions of relationships, it is unfortunate that on a broad spectrum that it is mostly NEGATIVE. I can only speak for myself in saying that I have met several (masculine) black gay married (or committed) couples that have been together anywhere from 3 years to over 30 years while out here in South Florida. I have many positive representations of what a (black and gay) relationship should look like. I am not worried. Seeing them and learning all the valuable lessons I have gathered from them let's me know that it is possible for not only myself, but for everyone who participates on Cypher Avenue on the regular.

I know I want to be in a relationship because I want a companion that is my best friend, lover and confidant. I want to understand all of the feelings that I've been hearing about in my favorite genre of music for the past 26 years ----- Rhythm & Blues (R&B). I don't want anything to do with social media and all that. I just want that old school love like Lupe Fiasco and Ed Sheeran talked about on that song. You know what I'm sayin'? I want that love that feels like 90s R&B. Can you feel what I'm saying here tho?!

 

The bottom line is its 100% unnatural to be alone. Yes, you can have moments in your life that being single is ideal. But as a human being, no matter what INTIMATE companionship thats more than sex but indeed sex is involved is apart of the human experience. And not even the human experience, Fish often swim in schools, Birds fly in flocks, Lion in prides, Flowers grow with other flowers. etc.

I know that analogy can be reaching, but you get my general point of solitude as being unnatural. Yes friends and family can feed certain needs but know matter what the intimate connection, love, emotions, care, passion, friendliness, laughter, pain, and joy you can experience with a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband is something that can NEVER be filled by friends or family.

So to answer your initial question,

Why do you even want to be in a relationship in the first place?

Because its a fundamental part of the human experience as well as a relationship is something I want that can often be more substantial than a friend or family member in many ways. Unadulterated intimacy mind, body, spirit, soul.

What does “being in a relationship” even mean to you?

It ultimately doesn't mean anything to me in terms of a "badge of honor" or "I was chosen".

Seems like the way that question is asked is a passive aggressive way of insinuating something like that. The quotes and EVEN in the question Nick, really? Yeah.

Its meaning for me would just be more the action of being present, working at it, growth, reliability, and a host of other things I would be committed to doing because this is the dude I love.

 

I think people like the idea and potential of not being single. People want the good parts but people also don't want to deal with the bad. Because people share everything on social media, notice how you see only the good parts... The beach photos, the club nights, the morning after bed shots... Then when it's bad, it's really bad. So people see the extremes but not the "why you leave your dirty draws on the bathroom flo? Why you don't ever use a coaster? Why did you buy this Xbox game when you haven't even beaten the 8 you already have?"

Small minor things like that can evolve into larger ones over time. People need to understand that small petty stuff like that can be worked on but there's more to a relationship than muscles, sex, and sharing clothes.

I watch Divorce Court and I Lynn Toler usually hits it right on the head with her advice. Everyone could learn a lot about how to deal with people in relationships on that show. One thing she says alot is how many times women spend a lot of time looking for a mate to complete them. People should stop looking for that person to complete them and fill their time with doing things and going places that give them a full life. Eventually you'll find people who are right for you when you do this.

However I also know that men are visual so they want the low body fat dude with the nice clothes, swag, perfect sex organs, college educated, with the six figure job, luxury car, fly condo, who goes into work late on Mondays and gets off early every Friday that they can show off to all of their friends and social media. Good luck finding that and a relationship that's worth a Damn too.

 

Well for me initially I wanted a relationship because I was tired of the empty hook ups and the doing the "online thing". I also started hanging around other gays and saw some people in healthy relationships and wanted that for myself. I eventually met a guy and we really dug each other. While it didn't last when it was good, it was really good, and thats a feeling that no friend or relative can give you. So yes it's a lotta work and yes a lot of gay relationships are dysfunctional but it's human nature to think you'll be different or that 1% that work. It's why people keep going to law school or playing the lottery.

 

This question came to me recently while discussing Dating and Relationships with my fellow Cypher Avenue Squad Members. If all the examples and discussions we have about Relationships are from a negative perspective, why do so many single black gay men want to be in one so badly?

Think about it. It seems like every time we’re discussing black gay couples, its from a salacious, messy or drama-filled perspective: He was flirting with other men. He cheated on him. He gave him HIV. He outed him to his family. He was always broke and never had a job. He just used him. They fought all the time. They argued constantly.

The list goes on.

Very rarely do black gay men actually in relationships share the joys and benefits to their unions. The blogs, videos, articles and lectures are always about how to respond to crisis in a relationship, not reasons why they’re good to acquire in the first place.

Even our black gay web series all feature dysfunctional relationships. From Freefall to The Triangle to Tha Life Atlanta, nothing is presented to make one think being in a black gay relationship is anything but a headache.

Many of the celebrated black gay couples we’ve seen in media have since split, making one question if a long term black gay relationship is even possible. It’s as if these drama filled real-life relationships are actually just extended seasons of social media publicized black gay web series starring themselves.

We had two good seasons of “Kordale + Kaleb” directed by Lamont Pierre featuring two melodramatic black gay dads struggling to raise 3 kids on their own.



Then we had 3 seasons of “Kappa Alpha Psi Love You” directed by Noah’s Arc creator Patrik-ian Polk about two black gay fraternity members’ rocky life after marriage.



No, these aren’t actually web series to be found on Youtube, but they might as well have been since their relationships were well documented in detail for the world to see on Facebook and Twitter. Even both couples’ eventual breakups were well publicized:

Kordale and Kaleb’s Break Up

Nathanael Gay and Robert Brown’s Divorce

So if many of our public examples of black gay relationships end in break ups, petty social media attacks, drama and divorce, why do so many black gay men STILL obsess about being in one?

And I mean obsess. Men will risk getting robbed from solo Jackd meetups, pay hard earned money to dating sites, even “date” men halfway across the country, all to achieve the title of “Boyfriend” and “Relationship.”

Before you answer with over-simplified reasons like “companionship,” I’d argue that companionship can be achieved without the drama that seemingly comes from being in a relationship. On top of that, many men in relationships often tell me they STILL feel lonely at times, even with a boyfriend.

Is it the desire for consistent sex? You can easily achieve this without the relationship banner. Maybe its the desire for consistent UNPROTECTED sex, something some men say they will only do in a monogamous relationship. Considering that 99.9% of the men I’ve personally spoken to with HIV said they got it from unprotected sex with “a partner they trusted,” I’d argue that’s not a great reason to rush to get coupled up.

The only other obvious reason I can see is many single black gay men want the photo opportunities…they want the manifestation of the fantasy in their head of what a black gay relationship is supposed to look like. They see photos of the men like the ones shown above and they say, “I want that too.”

They don’t take account the costs of living out that fantasy.

One of the problems is that there is no balance in the propaganda of relationships. Hardly any of the men actually in relationships EVER discuss the positive reasons to be in one in the first place. They just share loving photos of them together.



Besides these “they look cute together” visuals, we get no positive affirmations or reasons to enlist in the infamous Relationship Status. All we hear is relief from them that they’ve made it through another day as if they were soldiers in Afghanistan. Seriously, talk to someone in a relationship and you’ll hear a loooong sigh then them saying, “It’s a lot of work, chile.”

Yet everyone who is single still wants what they have. It’s like being President of the United States, it seems like the worse job to have: constant crisis, decisions scrutinized and outsiders constantly trying to take your job (and even kill you)…yet this election cycle we actually have TOO MANY ppl running in the position, not too few.

Oh sure, there may be Love (and lust) involved…but is that the only reason to be in a relationship? You want to love and have someone love you back? If the track record for black gay love shows us that it will eventually lead you to this:



Is it worth it?

I guess one could also make a case that successful positive black gay relationships aren’t spoken about because the topic would be “boring.” If that’s the case, I disagree with that stance wholeheartedly. There are tons of helpful and inspiring topics celebrating black gay relationships that could be had.

Even on this website, most of the discussions are about how to fix already damaged people or already troubled relationships.

Where is the inspiring “Anniversary Ideas for Black Gay Couples” article?

Where is the affirming “15 Reasons why you ARE relationship material” article?

Admittedly, Cypher Avenue editor Octavius Williams has published quite a few positive podcasts featuring his 6-year partner. And there are examples out there like The D.L. Chronicles creators The Gossfields and Gee and Juan Sessions of Love Works, but is that enough to make the case that it’s a goal worth achieving?

So I ask the question again, besides the need for companionship…besides the desire for (potentially) consistent sex…

Why do you even want to be in a relationship in the first place? What does “being in a relationship” even mean to you?

 

I want one for the mutual emotional support. The shared experiences. The mutual vulnerability. The strength. The compensation for each others' weaknesses. The inside jokes. The security. The intimacy. ?And yes, even the combined purchasing power.

 

On another note, its funny because I do agree after reading Nicks post on this that yes, many gay dudes want the photo optics of being in a relationship as well as many other reasons that are not ideal reasons to be in a relationship.

However, I don't think gay men are any more different than straight people in that. Many humans want to be in a relationship. I know you will use the comparison of gay men and women going through that relationship "obsession". But I see and even personally know straight men that want a relationship as well. It can often just be a human need or want at points in your life.

BTW, its nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. Doesn't mean they are or can be obsessed with it.

Its also funny to me when single people get on the pedestal and say things like "i don't want a man or need a man" or "oh nah, I'm so happy being single" or whatever other MILLION quotes single people use as a defense mechanism for their intimate loneliness. Not that you don't feel that way at times in your life, but please, we can see through that S-ish.

For instance, its SOOOOOOOO obvious Nick wants a relationship.

Ha. Have a good day man.

 

It's all love though

 

The only thing I'll disagree with is this. I don't believe many straight people say, "just because" in response to that question.

For example, just out of curiosity, I just Googled "why do you want to be in a relationship" to see what the heteros had to say about it. The first search result was this "Are You In A Relationship For The Right Reasons?" where it says (amongst other things):

I feel like there are a lot of true statements there. When so many in the black gay community try to use a relationship or the idea of a relationship as a "fix" for what's damaging them, making them feel unloved, etc, it leads to a reality in which I described in the original article: Broken people displaying broken relationships both in reality and in fiction.

Again, I know the positive relationships exist, for some reason they have chosen to not be examples publicly, they have not chosen to write testimonies about their unions and why they are valuable, and they have chosen to not create films/books/series that display the positive side of black gay relationships. There are a small number of examples, but def not equal to what one would expect.

 

I agree totally when you say "want a partner who will inspire them to be better and they can inspire as well." That indeed is one of many great reasons I would like to have a relationship.

But man, when you say "VERY telling that no one, not one person, said they wanted a relationship to build a family with children with their lover".

Well, I can't speak for the other members that responded but for me, I didn't say that cause I DONT WANT THAT SH*T. lol. (and by that Sh*t, I mean the children/kid thing).

I have never been a kid person and I merely tolerate them when around. Im not an asshole to them or nothing, but in my personal space (apt,condo,home) I prefer not. Bruh, Im very Oprah with it when it comes to that. (go ahead and make your jokes about the Oprah comparison Nick) but you get my gist). Meaning that my partner and I could volunteer or give back to organizations, kids, etc. Then take our ass back home and make dinner reservations or plan a trip somewhere with ZERO obligations of a child. So thats why I didn't say that part. But thats just me. I respect people who want to build nuclear families and even if I was dating someone who wanted that, but ultimately that not me and thats the part that would probably make me realize we are not compatible in what we want.

What I like about being gay is that we can choose to curate our lives in any way we want and do not have to conform to the idealogies of what a marriage or relationship supposedly "is". Straight people can as well but, many are not brave enough so they have kids and the outlandish wedding because its expected from family, friends, etc. I never understand when gay men get married and it looks so traditional like bride, groom, friends on each side.....Yikes ( I'm vomiting) Ha. But to each is own. Im rabbling.

BTW, I think the reasons given from the "inward I, Me, My" is because this was a question referring to the first person specifically.
(Why do YOU want to be in a relationship?).

I could start speaking french with the We want this and We would do that, but right now its from my perspective of what I would like in the relationship. Once in it, the french talk will commence and its about compromise because this is my dude.